I don’t even know really where to begin, but writing has always been my outlet, and I am having a moment of clarity where my fingers seem to be able to type w/o stumbling. I just feel the need to talk…say what I am feeling…honor my baby girl.
We went to a dinner Saturday night w/ our baby girl. She was the belle of the ball. Everyone talked to her and fussed over her and she just sat there so happy and content. I held her for most of the night and toward the end, Daddy held her.
We went to a friend’s house for the night. She and I scrapbooked and drank Dr. Pepper, while her dh and mine talked politics in the living room. Our little one went to sleep on our bed. She awoke around 1 w/ a fever. I gave her Tylenol and nursed her back to sleep. Around 5am, I was awakened again by her cries…she was feverish again and breathing rapidly as children do with fevers. I gave her more Tylenol, changed her diaper, and nursed her on the couch. My oldest son came out to go to the bathroom and stopped by the couch. I told him baby was sick and to pray for her. He said that must have been why God got him up.
I laid her back down on a palate on the floor at about 6am. When we awoke at 8am, I looked down at her…something wasn’t right. Her eyes looked funny and her breathing seemed very labored. I grabbed her up and laid her on the bed. I called for my husband to come look at her. I wanted to take her to the hospital her surgeries had been at, but that was nearly 2 hrs away…neither one of us felt she could make it that far. We raced to the hospital, leaving the other children in my friend’s care.
At the hospital, I felt desperation…I knew she was not going to be ok, but I kept hoping against all odds that somehow she would pull through. Her poor body was mottled, her eyes were not tracking, her O2 was 76, her blood pressure was nearly non-existant. I had watched my father die 1 year and 1 week earlier…I knew. They moved her to another room and put her in a warmer, they stuck a tube down her throat, they stuck a tube down her nose. She was in septic shock. They started chest compressions, and while my dh kept begging them to continue, I just wanted them to quit and let me hold her. We fell on the floor and prayed and prayed and cried out. I finally asked them to give her to me…I begged them to let me hold her. The chaplain was so good to make them completely unplug her so I could sit in a chair and rock my baby. I held her tight, kissed her feet, her cheeks, stroked her hair. I asked the Lord to give her back, but I knew that was not fair of me to ask.
You see, she’s never been mine. My husband and I never talked about it, but always lingering in the back of our minds…long b/f she was sick…were the thoughts of her not staying w/ us. I shoved them out of my head, but there were still little things…her stocking has an angel on it, she seemed so unbelievably perfect…never fussed. My husband said he felt from the beginning that she would not be w/ us long…but that is never something you talk about. I think I told one person just recently that I felt as though the Lord wanted her home and we just kept prolonging the inevitable.
The Lord brought her back to where all of this started…my friend’s house. You see, that is where she got sick the first time…I do not know why He chose there, but I do know He ordained that moment from the beginning of her life. Maybe b/c I needed my friend to be there, maybe because I needed to know there was absolutely nothing I could do. I do not know if I will ever be able to go back there…and that pains me…she and I have had many good memories there…but even walking into her house Saturday gave me de ja vu of when our baby girl first got sick…little did I know what would transpire there would be more than de ja vu. My baby died in a hospital called Mercy.
An amazing thing is that God put a family in our path several months ago who lost a child 3 years ago at the age of 6 1/2, as well as 2 babies (ages 5 days and 13 days). A few weeks ago, she asked me to write an article for her new website (she is in the midst of having a book published entitled “In Faithfullness, He Aflicted Me”–the website is meant to help grieving parents) on all we had gone through w/ our daughter…never did I imagine we would be sharing the same perspective. We had spent Friday night fellowshipping at their house. They were the first people we called…they drove 2 hrs to get to us.
They have been walking w/ us through all of this. The husband will be presiding over the funeral…I feel as though he is the only person who can do it. We are slowly planning her funeral…I hate this. I do not know how I am going to let them close that lid. She will be wearing an outfit her Aunt bought her. I cannot imagine any other child wearing it. She will be buried w/ the puppy dog that stayed by her bedside all through the surgeries. We will have a slide show of her life. And we will be releasing balloons w/ her name on them.
I also have a physical hurt that is a painful reminder that I have full br**sts and empty arms. I hurt so bad, I cannot even hold my other children w/o wincing in pain. I have such strange and stupid thoughts…too many to put them all here. I want to remember every second of her final moments, yet I cannot bear that picture. I want the funeral to be perfect…no regrets. I ache to hold her…to change one more diaper…to nurse her one more time. I think I can hear her…I tell myself to be quiet and not turn on the light when I go in my bedroom b/c baby is sleeping. But she’s not.
I wanted to keep her, but she was not mine. She was never mine. She has always been the Lord’s, just as they all are. I don’t own any of them…they are all on loan. But that does not stop the hurt. And even knowing what I know now, I would do it all over again…I would hold her and love her for those same 7 months over and over and over again.
I have been following your journey and I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I am grieving with you for your loss. Even though I don’t know you, I am praying for His Peace that surpasses all understanding to be with you at this time and the weeks, months, years to come. Your testimony is already giving Him Glory.http://:www.homeschoolblogger.com/johnightthirtytwo
Dear sweet Amy,I am not sure if you remember who I am, but I am from the Hopesite where we all began our journeys to our babies so long ago. Steph shared your blog with us and I have been reading faithfully. Your words have taught my heart so much and have strengthened my faith. Thank you!I am at a loss for words. Emily was a true gift sent from Him and even though her time was short, I can feel the encompassing love you have for her in every word you write. I wish I could parcel away just a fraction of your pain so that you could breathe just a little easier. Please know that my prayers are with you and your family.Love,Cher
Amy, You challenge me and inspire me. As I watch you grieve and see your faith truly tested and revealed, I’m touched, I see you pointing the Way to Christ. I know that I’m not where I should be: as a Christian, a wife, or a mother. I want you to know that your current trial is not in vain. I am watching and learning and hopefully, [w/His help]I will be growing. And I am sure that others are doing the same. You are glorifying God and He is giving you His Beauty for your Ashes.*God’s delays are not denials, He has heard your prayers;He knows all about your trials,Knows you every care.God’s delays are not denials,Help is on the way;He is watching over lifes’ deals,Bringing forth the day.God’s delays are not denials.You will find Him true;Working through life’s darkest trials,What is best for you.
Amy, we’ve grieved together before and I want you to know that you’re not alone now. I’ve read all about sweet dear Emily and my heart is shattered. The sobs rob me of my breath. He holds us in the palm of His hands, and He cries with us, and He will bring us through all we encounter. I pray He gives you peace and strength to continue on. In the meantime, I’ve sent Kiernan to help both Emily and your family. {{HUGS}}
We are so shocked and heartbroken for your family. Words cannot heal you right now, but please know that our prayers and loving thoughts are with you and your children and family. I want to reach out and hold you right now. We can’t be there to say goodbye to her and my heart aches that we cannot – I am so glad I got to spend a few hours with you and your precious little one in December – to see her smiling and cooing and I will never forget it. All our love.
I’m just another one of many that has read of your walk through this dark and uncertain valley. How inadequate our words are during this overwhelming flood of grief. Your writing continues to honor the Lord both in this blog and the previous one, touching all those who read it. I don’t have a blog, but my e-mail is onehoppinmom at yahoo dot com My prayer will be for grace upon grace to get through one day at a time…for you and your family.Beth
Darya said it all – I am so sorry and am praying for God’s peace to be there in the middle of all of this hurt.Jen
I am so sorry for your loss. I am praying for your family.
We don’t know each other but I have to say I’m so sorry for your loss. And what a terrible loss is that of a chld.I wish you strength and love to see you and your family through these difficult days. Bx
Praying for you….I walked alongside a friend a little over a year ago as she lost her 14 month old son. I don’t personally know exactly know what your going through, but I know that your God and my God are the same.. that HE is forever faithful and will carry you through this time.May HE be your comfort and HOPE during this.in Christs love
I’ve been praying for Emily (from forwarded emails from Kristi). We have a daughter, Gabrielle who is only 10-months old, and feel, like you, is a gift from God. We’ll continue to pray for you and your family.In Christ,Theresa (Reinke) WalkerBethany ’00http://www.the-walker-family-blog.blogspot.com
Praying for you as you leave grieve the loss of this precious little one. May God hold you up in His strong arms and five you peace and comfort beyond understanding.
Amy,I’m so sorry, we’re praying for you and Ty and the kids.Daniel & Jenny Keane
I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my prayers.
A mutual friend shared your blog site with me so that I could know how to pray for your family. I don’t know you, or even where you live, but am touched that you’d share the story of losing your baby girl. I will be praying for you in the days ahead.Liz ReevesWhitehouse, TX
My sister-in-law sent me your blog, so I could pray for you. My heart aches for you!! Having a little one of my own, I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I am praying for you and your family, that our Heavenly Father will wrap His arms around each one of you and comfort you. Please know that you all are in our prayers.In love,CrystalTroy, MO
My Beloved Brother and Sister in Christ, as I sit and read of this exceedingly dark storm you are passing through, I sit here in my study with a heaving chest and a tear running down my face. This is the second time in 2 months I have come face to face with the death of a child, and brother and sister it hurts. All I can say is I am deeply sorrowing for you and your family. I in tender love lay you in the arms of the Lord for His consoling and comfort. Your brother in ChristRowan Jennings, B C Canada
Amy and Ty, I am weeping with you and your family as Baby Emmy is with our Lord. Clyde shared with me a prayer request Dec 4, 2007. I was thankful how the Lord heard the prayers of his saints. His answers are best and now his desire is to make Emily whole by taking her home with him in glory. I will continue to pray for you…In his peace, ken keane
I just started reading your blog this week, so I am a stranger to you.But I am so sorry. I am just so very sorry.
I hurt so badly for you, I am so very sorry! I read your post as my little 12 month old plays at my feet…the thought of loosing her takes my breath away. Bless you sweet sister as you and your family walk through all of this. You will be on my lips as I whisper to our Lord “Father wrap her in Your peace” A fellow MOMYSAudrey
I found out about your loss this evening through the QuiverFull Digest. Your Emily is beautiful. I am sooo sorry for your loss. We almost lost our baby at 2 months after immunizations. We think about the experience often. Aside from being a mom, I think that experience is still so fresh that hearing your story breaks my heart all the more. I am praying for you and your family. Kristen in NY
I know I already left a comment, but I just wanted you to know that I’m praying extra for you today!In love,CrystalTroy, MO
I found you through Ingleside Mom. Praying for you and your family, that the Lord will comfort you and fill you with His peace.
My words are pale compared to your pain..I pray for comfort at this time. I am sorry Emily is no longer with you..may the Lord’s peace be with you! Blessings to you and your family, Laura
Bless your heart. My heart is breaking for you as I read this. I found your blog last week and checked it today, only to read the sad news. I will be praying for you and your family. I cannot imagine your pain right now but I will ask God to comfort you as only He can.Laura
Oh my the strength you have amazes me!!! As I hear my children playing I could not fathom losing one/ I know nothing I say could bring you much comfort but just know there are people out there that do not even know you that care and will be praying for you and your family. What a Godly example you are.
I found your blog through being a friend of the Keanes….I am praying for you at this very moment.your sister in Christ, Robin Burger
I am so sorry.
I am so sorry for your loss! We have also had a child taken from our arms and into God’s. I know the physical pain that you speak of. I am praying for you as I type.I think that suffering the loss of a child gives us a unique perspective on what it truly cost God the Father to sacrifice Jesus, His only Son, on our behalf. I pray that He will comfort you and give you peace and draw you closer to Himself.I just can’t find words to express how sorry I am for you and how my heart aches for you. You are a wonderful testimony to your Lord. May God richly bless your submission to His will.Your sister in Christ,Lori Rudd
I am praying for your family. This really touched my heart. Thank you for sharing.
Dear Sister,Your post is so eloquent. I am a mommy who has a child in Heaven. So much of what you wrote describes perfectly what I have experienced. As someone who has been there, my best word to you is to hold on to Jesus. He is faithful and He cares so much about you!I know I received so much advice. Much of it made me feel WORSE not better. For 4 years I have just clung to God’s promises. On dark days that is the only light there was. My family will pray for you and your family. I am always so deeply sorry when I hear about another family going through this sad valley! But remember that God will walk THROUGH this valley with you (Ps 23).(((((Hugs))))))and Prayers,Susie
I am so sorry for your loss…Praying for you and your family to have peace – His peace. Thank you for sharing your story.
Our God has added another Jewel in His heaven. I pray for you and yours.
Hugs and prayers to you, my sister in Christ. I too have a daughter in the arms of Jesus. I am so sorry for your loss. I wish that you had an “e-mail me” button on your blog so that I could write a whole lot more than just a little comment. Linked to my name here is my grieving blog.
I’m so touched by your story. Know that you are in my prayers for the Lord to give you comfort and strength.
I cannot tell you how sorry I am for your loss. Words fail me. I can only assure you that you and your family will be in my prayers.
I found your blog through another… the tears are running down my cheeks. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope the Lord will send you peace and comfort.Your outlook is an inspiration!
I don’t know what to say, but I am thinking and praying for you and your family at this terribly sad time. Tears welling up in my eyes for the burden you have to bear, I can not imagine what you are going through but you are so inspirational. God bless you and your family, nina http://www.blessedmum.blogspot.com
I found your blog through someone sending a link to another article and now I’m sitting here in a puddle of tears. Here’s another heart grieving with you. I’m praying right now for YOU and for your husband and for your children.
I am crying with you adn praying for you. I am so sorry. May the Lord comfort you. In Jesus , our Glorious REDEEMING Saviour. Alida w4 BeautyForAshes4@roadrunner.com
I just found you through another blog…I am so sorry for the loss of this precious child. You are going to be in my prayers!I will be going back and reading your story.Becky K.
Crying and praying for you. God Bless.
I dont know how I stumbled onto your blog, BUT I know why I did, as you come on to your first year with out your darling little girl, I pray that God fills you with his power every day you need it!I lost my son almost two years ago (he was two), I have blogged about him if you would like to read about it..I know we dont know each other, I am here for you “virtually” if you need to ask me anything or just to talk..
I am so so sorry. Maranatha, Jesus. May you be able to worship the One who holds Emily at this crushing year anniversary. My heart breaks for you.He is coming for us. He is coming. She will be with Him.
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