Today ~ Moving Forward

Today is not an easy day. After nearly a week of people crowded in my house and around me, I feel numb. I am hiding here. I am so lonely for Emmy, but I want to be alone w/ my memories of her. I went and hid in my mother-in-law’s office last night, so I could have a moment alone w/ my thoughts and a pen and paper. Here is what I wrote:

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I would not move forward if it meant leaving Emmy behind. I don’t know how anyone can pretend a child never existed, take down their pictures, remove their things.

I have 5 children. I will always have 5 children, until the Lord blesses us again–then, I will have 6. It grieves me, though, to think how others will look at our family and not see Emmy. They won’t know someone is missing. But, she is there…a beautiful, precious piece of her lives on in each member of my family.

I will not pretend I have 4 children. I will not pretend my Emmy-girl never existed. Anyone who asks about our family will come to know her name, her story, her testimony.

No, I do not leave her behind and “move on”, I move forward, with all 5 children–one running a bit ahead…just out of sight.

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21 thoughts on “Today ~ Moving Forward

  1. I am so glad that God chose to give Emily parents who cherished and loved her so, and I am praying that He will allow you to never forget the time you had her nor lose the hope you have of the time you will see her again. I love you and continue to grieve w/ you. I am continuing to carry you in my prayers.michele

  2. While I have not lost a child, I did lose my husband very young. He was 30, I was 29, our daughter was 2 1/2, and I was still nursing our 9 mo. old son. I really identified with you on the “numbers” thing. It’s so hard to get used to telling people that we’re a party of three instead of four. For a long time it was difficult to see our family through the eyes of strangers when I feel like there was a silent member of the family that they could not see.I will keep you in my prayers. Just know that you are not alone, and that God sees the anguish you go through, and He will see you through this.

  3. Next Sunday will be six years since my little one was born and then died a few hours later. You are right we never forget them, but the hopes, dreams and memories are forever engraved in our heart and mind. May God carry you through this.

  4. Praying for you, Amy. I love what you said about her running just ahead of you. Such a beautiful picture.(((gentle hugs)))

  5. Dear Amy,I just want you to know that you and your family have been in my prayers so much this week. My friend Mandy Schaper told me about you loosing little Emily and my heart aches for you. May God give you the grace and strength needed for each day. I found an old journal today of when we had our 2nd miscarriage, and I had penned the words “we have so much more to go to heaven for now.” And your little Emily is waiting there for you. I know we can’t understand why or how but I pray that God will use you to bless others through this difficult time.BlessingsMisty (Crystal’s sister)Hobe Sound, FL

  6. The image of her waiting for you, ready to take your hand in Heaven that your DH spoke of Thursday is such a beautiful picture. She will always be a part of all of you – that is for certain. Love and prayers for you all.

  7. I came across your blog in recent times and have been touched deeply by it. My thoughts and prayers are with you at this difficult time. I pray that you are able to grieve in your own way and in your own time. Don’t let anyone pressure you to give up grieving before you are done. I also love the thought of your little one, just ahead, out of sight…Grace and love to you and your entire family.xxx Amanda, in Australia

  8. I just found your site tonight by linking from another. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I will be praying for you and your family.

  9. Emmy will not be forgotten. She has touched so many lives, changed so many hearts. She was truly a little firecracker! She has left an impression on mine and so many other hearts Amy. We may not remember all those lovely things that you as her Mother will, but we will remember her in our own ways. We celebrate her life and rejoice in her seeing Jesus. I find comfort in the fact that she has only known love her entire life. No heartache or sorrow, simply love. Enduring, everlasting, all encompassing love. Now, her love has been fulfilled in the presence of the Father and Son.That’s pretty awesome.

  10. As I read your words, it mirrors my experience of when my 2 year old daughter died almost 3 years ago. When I came home from the hospital, I sat on the couch all afternoon as people came and went. I hardly said a word. I made a very deliberate, conscious decision that day to keep mothering my 3 remaining children. I couldn’t just crawl into a hole and die like I wanted to. They needed me. I was still a mother. I really like how another blogger describes her children: I have five children, four underfoot and one in heaven.When we had another child a year and a half ago, someone asked me if my family was complete again. UM, NO! One of my children will always be missing from this life. There is a huge gaping hole between my second and fourth child and there always will be no matter how many more children we have.So yes, never let go of her memory and don’t feel like you have to be on any grieving time table. There aren’t stages of grief as many books describe. Instead, you just go in and out. Take one day at a time, one moment at a time. Time heals and makes it easier, but the pain is always there.prayers for your family!

  11. I felt the same way you do when I lost my daughter Noelle. People don’t take into account that child that was lost. They just look at the children you have now as if that child never existed, but in a mother’s heart that child is always a part of your life. No matter what.

  12. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I had to repent after reading about Emily. I am guilty of taking for granted the blessings the Lord has given me, but after reading this, that is going to change. Emily’s story has helped me realize that every moment with them is precious and that I have no right to ever complain again about never getting any time to myself. I am so sorry that your baby could not stay with you. But oh thank you Jesus for the hope of heaven!! My heart leaps for you, Amy, because you will have the indescribable blessing of having all of eternity getting to know the children you never got to see grow up in this life. Remember, this life is but a moment compared to your life in eternity with them. Thank you again.

  13. Thank you for sharing your story. I lost my son, Matthew, on April 23, 2008. I feel the same way when strangers ask how many children I have. I have 5…one of them is just waiting for us in heaven. I have pictures of him in almost every room of the house. We will never forget him and I cannot pretend he didn’t exist.

  14. Thank you for doing the hard work of grieving your loss, reaching out to comfort others with the comfort you have been given and sharing it with so many–many like me who have babies who have gone on without us! I am a grandmother now(with 2 more coming in a few months), have 6 children still living on this earth, and 4 babies that we lost and most people encouraged me to. I have tears streaming down my face after reading your story. I have 10 children that will always be in my heart, that I cannot forget, and have never been able to pretend those precious lives didnt “exist”. They were knit together in my womb(except 1 was in the Fallopian tube!) There are times I still see another 7 year old and wonder if I had been able to carry the last one to term what having that little one in our lives would have been like now. THey are precious in His sight!

  15. This is one of the harder things for me in having lost AnnaLeah (17) and Mary (13)–meeting new people who never knew them and not wanting to act as if their loss didn’t happen or that they are not STILL part of our family. I want to talk about them. But it seems like others want me to move on without them, to deal with it, to accept what cannot be changed. But what does that mean? They are so much a part of who I am. It is like no other circumstance I have ever faced. Uncharted territory. Continue to abide in Him and His word and engage with His love in the lives of those around me and do the works He created me for….all the while missing them. I can’t even think how to describe it, and I’m not sure how to keep those thoughts and feelings from infiltrating the rest of my days. http://annaleahmary.com/journey-through-grief/