I am 32 weeks. That means I am only a hop, skip, and a jump (with a few waddles thrown in) away from giving birth. I know having a baby during the holidays will also serve to speed things up immensely.
So, what are my thoughts as I approach this momentous occasion? Well, let’s just say they are different from anything I have ever experienced before. I suppose in many ways this is yet another first. The first time I have given birth since losing Emily.
I have found myself not preparing much. I am afraid of planning too much because I know how things can change in a blink of an eye. I have no expectations. In fact, I almost don’t think about giving birth at all and I never think about watching the baby grow up. I’ve had the best pregnancy I’ve ever had and feel I could stay pregnant forever. And in many ways, that would be easier. I know the emotions that will come with giving birth again are going to be hefty.
And then there are the fears. I fear bringing the baby home. What if I don’t really know how to care for babies? This utterly ridiculous thought plagues me despite the fact that I have birthed and cared for 5 children and Emily’s death had nothing to do with my ability as a mother. I fear the first time baby is sick. What if I have no intuition anymore? What if I can’t handle even the tiniest of colds? What if this fear completely immobilizes me?
My prayer is that when the first real contractions make themselves known, that the Lord will put a hedge around me and I’ll leave the fears and negative thoughts behind. I pray He’ll be with me through everything…from labor and delivery to bringing the baby home to caring for this new little one. And I pray that all I do will glorify Him and show that I know WHO is in control.
Fruitful Harvest says
Hey Girl~Like always my prayers have been for God to calm ALL those fears…I have been praying every night for the things you mentioned in your post. I know that our minds can get so filled with worry and self doubt.((((HUGS))))Peace and Prayers,Georgiann
Fruitful Harvest says
Hi ~Its me again….I was wondering….how is your hubby doing with all of this???Does he voice any fears or worry?I know your worry is “real”.But I was remembering back, going from 1 child to 2. I had so much fear that I would not have the love for another child… how real it was but silly !I know your fears are slightly differnt,because most of them stem from a loss.When you meet this new child and look into his or her eyes, you WILL see the face of GOD,feel his presence with you and your fears will be lifted. The worry may try to creep back in,some new and different worry can start. I pray that you do not ever let Guilt of those thoughts then take over..I’m sure there maybe some unspoken worry..our minds can take us places… we are human. God understands.I know that you have your worries. I hope your hubby will share with you his. Let God work..it will bring you closer to him. (Both Hims).Through it all, I pray that you have more good days than bad, draw closer to your kids and husband.I pray you and your husband can talk to and understand each other. Be each others strength on the tough days.I know I may ramble, hope you understand what I’m saying and don’t think I’m wierd?!!Peace in Christ,Georgiann
Dana-from chaos to Grace says
awwwwwwwwww…I know this is difficult, and I am so very sorry. You WILL be able to handle it. You will give birth to this beautiful baby (and share lots of pictures with us crazy people that LOVE your blog so much) and you will watch them grow. And you will pray (along with us crazy people that LOVE your blog so much) and we will trust God. That’s all anyone can do…for nothing is promised, but we trust and we love Him anyway and we have FAITH that it will be alright.