I don’t even know if I have the words to describe today…
Today was my hematologist appointment because of the anemia. My husband was supposed to come with me despite his packed schedule. I was worried that the blood draw would leave me exhausted. I was not prepared for what the real issue would be.
Ty emailed me mid-morning and said that he had to go to a meeting he wasn’t expecting and would be late coming to the appointment. So, I headed over by myself to the appointment after a quick glance at the map they had enclosed with the paperwork.
Now, from that map, I was well-aware that the place I was going was very near the hospital where Emily had all her surgeries and spent so many weeks. We lived there with her for 4 weeks total from December to January. I knew just having to go near there would be hard, but I thought I could handle it.
However, when I pulled up to the hospital and realized that the building I had to go into was where her surgeon’s office was–directly across from the hospital, I began to panic. I tried to stop the sobs, but could not. I cannot control them even now. I almost didn’t go in to the building. I thought maybe I could suppress the sadness long enough to go to the appointment, but I could not and finally gave into it and went inside the building with tears running down my cheeks. For the next 2.5 hrs (all through my appointment), I cried.
Little did I know Ty had tried to contact me to tell me that he could not come at all. I was alone…and would stay that way. He had no idea I was in that building. He had no idea I was sobbing through all the memories. Later (after I was home and had slept for a bit), he found out and raced home. He felt awful that I had to do that alone. I felt awful I had to do that alone.
I kept praying God would send Ty. Then, I began begging God to send ANYONE. I didn’t want to sit with my thoughts any longer. God heard my prayers and a woman whose hair had all fallen out from her battle with breast cancer, slipped into the chair next to me and grabbed my hand and began talking to me. I could barely get the words out to explain to her why I was so distraught. She listened, she talked, and when it was my turn to go back, she hugged me. I still continued to cry, but I felt like I could breathe again.
My eyes hurt, I’m tired, and my heart is broken. I wish I had something profound to say, but I don’t. Sometimes it just hurts.
Q says
Your pain is completely valid, dear lady. I remember walking into my OB/GYN’s office a few months after my daughter was killed. Same deal – I thought I could do it and couldn’t pull it off. Praise God for his angel sent to you. Keep renewing your mind with what’s true. He knows your every hair and cell, and He has not, and will not forsake you.
guinever says
There are so many “firsts” like this that we don’t even realize that we have to do…Can I just say that I wish I could sit beside you and listen? I have so been there! Am still there. (((hugs))) I’m very glad that a lady came to sit beside you…
Lynnette Kraft says
Oh my sweet friend, I’m so sorry. If I would have known you wouldn’t have Ty to be with you, I’d have gone with you. But who could have known?>>What you went through is a valid and real part of the grief process (if you can call the horrible thing a “process”). >>Bless your heart. I’m just so sorry. I hope you’ll be able to see it as a ‘healing step’…you had to go through that sometime, right? May our sweet and faithful Lord be your strength through these continuing days of grief.>>Love,>Lynnette>PS What did you find out at your appointment?
seemommysew says
Mama, my heart hurts for you. Lifting you up in prayer…thanks for sharing your heart.
mommyx12 says
I’m so sorry you had to go through this alone. God hears our tears and they are like prayers shooting to heaven. (((hugs here too)))>Tricia
Dana-from chaos to Grace says
Oh I am so sorry you had to endure that alone. Maybe it’s in these deepest sorrows that God wants us to rely on Him. I don’t know, I would have cried right along with you, I’m positive. And He still hears those sobs of a broken heart too. >>After my son’s best friend passed away at the age of 8, I found that I could not enter the hospital again after that without crying. Whenever I see that big pink hospital, my very first thought is of Dalton and his 4 month long stay that ended a sweet friendship between 2 boys. I still cry over Dalton. >>You are right: sometimes it just hurts.
Lilyofthevalley - Tanya says
((((hugs)))) I’m so sorry Ty couldn’t go with you, but praise God that He sent someone your way right when you needed it. I’m in tears and I can only try to imagine the pain and grief you are feeling. >>((((More hugs!!))))
Fruitful Harvest says
Prayers to you! My heart aches for you…..((((Hugs))))grief is hard.>I feel helpless over here..I wish I could come and take ALL your pain away…I will just pray.>>Peace in Christ,>Georgiann
Stephanie says
What you said WAS pretty profound. I am not in this particular situation with Emily, but I have been alone at times and have just needed SOMEONE. The Lord always provides. Not always in the way we think He should. I wonder if you were an answer to the other lady’s prayers?? I am sure you were not feeling it, but just making the decision to go, tears and all, shows strength and courage and Faith. God uses us in our weakness, it is real and truly authentic. It hurts me so, that your heart is broken. But your brokenness may well have brought healing to another. I know this post has touched me. I have had “issues” this last week, and sometimes I wonder if God is REALLY hearing me. This serves to remind me that sometimes it’s me that doesnt listen. God bless that lady, and you, little sister. >Love you. Stephanie
GrammyK says
(((((HUGS))))) I’m so sorry that you had to be alone like that!! And I can understand a bit of how you felt. When I had my ultrasound during my 6th pregnancy that revealed my baby was going to die after birth due to a lethal dwarfism, I was all alone too–my DH stayed behind to take care of our young kiddos. Instinctively I knew that something was wrong and cried the whole 3 hour drive there and tnen the drive home. The doctors were not nice to me at all and it was awful!! I’m so glad that you had someone to share your heart with!! Blessings!! Kris