Emily's Story

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On October 24, 2006 we found out we were expecting baby #5. When the morning sickness did not kick in and I contracted a horrible case of the old fashioned flu, I became convinced I would miscarry. I was actually surprised to see a little bitty beating heart on the ultrasound screen a few weeks later.

The morning sickness did finally kick in and with it came all sorts of neurological issues for me. Things like itching and restless legs kept me up at night. I was miserable and summer was dragging on. Emily’s due date of July 2 came and went.

In the wee hours of July 4th, contractions began and it looked as if Daddy would get his wish for an Independence Day baby. However, something didn’t feel right. I could barely move even after a contraction was over. My sides ached and I felt like something was wrong. Once in labor and delivery, it became quite clear that our baby had turned transverse breech and that was why my sides hurt so badly.

I was taken to the operating room in order to have the doctor try a manual version (turning of the baby from the outside). I had an epidural in place just in case my 9 year old c-section scar decided to rupture. Prior to the version, my husband asked if we could pray. The entire OR came to a halt as my husband prayed over my belly. As soon as he finished, the doctor took one look at my belly and said, “Something is different.” She asked for a sonogram to confirm her suspicion…sure enough, baby had turned head down! With that, she broke my water, monitored me a bit longer and we headed back to labor and delivery.

That afternoon, Emily Sofia was born into my husband’s arms. She was beautiful and BIG! 10 pounds 2 ounces, with a mop of brown hair…more hair than any of my other children have had. That night, we watched fireworks from the hospital window. We were in love and this was bliss.

The next few months were a whirlwind of moving and vacationing. Little Emily saw 6 states in 4 months! We had finally begun settling into a new city and a new home when I took a trip to visit a friend while my husband was away on business. It was right after Thanksgiving and Emily was just shy of 5 months old.

During that visit, Emily exhibited signs of a cold. Yet, something was different about it. Sometimes she seemed stuffy, but then it would go away. Other times she had a bit of a cough, but it would go away. She had a slight fever, but it too would wax and wane. There was nothing concrete, but something about it concerned me. I headed home with the hopes that a good dose of her own surroundings would heal Emily right up. It did not.

That following Sunday, Emily’s condition took a downward spiral. She began throwing up and it was yellow…bright yellow. That evening her diaper had blood in it. We headed to the ER, leaving our 4 children in the care of my mother-in-law and grandmother-in-law who happened to be there trimming the Chritmas tree with us.

They quickly got Emily to a room and did all sorts of testing. The doctor put his hand on my shoulder and said, “We don’t know what this is, but your daughter is very sick.” Pneumonia was tossed around, but I remember thinking that sounded like a strange diagnosis. Sure enough, up in pediatrics, where we were sent for the night, the nurses had masks on and we were not to leave the room. I felt stranded and helpless. No one came and no one seemed to know what was wrong. Emily continued to throw up and I continued to clean her and the floor with hospital towels. Finally, that morning the pediatrician showed up and had a more concrete diagnosis for us. He believed she had intussusception, which is a telescoping of the bowel. She was taken to radiology to confirm the diagnosis and hopefully correct the telescoping without surgery. However, that was not to be and that afternoon she underwent surgery.

Ty’s boss came up with a little pink and white stuffed doggy for Emily and sat with us through much of the surgery. I don’t remember being particularly scared because I didn’t think it would be a big deal…go in, straighten out the bowel, the end. I still remember the look on the surgeon’s face as she came to tell us things were not so easy. Emily’s small intestine was black. It was dead and twisted. She had a congenital defect called malrotation. They would have to go back in in a couple of days and see what of the bowel had survived, ressect what had not, and then restring her bowel. Until then, we would live in Pediatric Intensive Care (PICU).

She was drugged and on a ventilator. There were tubes and alarms and IV’s everywhere. Two days later, Emily went back to surgery and had 1/3 of her small intestines ressected.

During the 10 days we spent in PICU, Emily became seriously ill with a systemic yeast infection. Her central line was pulled and a broviac put in. She was treated by so many doctors, I kept track of everything in a notebook lest I forget who was who. My husband and I slept tightly on a small pull-out couch in a corner of her room. We rarely left her side.

Still battling the yeast, but off the ventilator and stable, we moved to Pediatrics. It took 3 weeks total to get the green light to leave. On Christmas Eve 2007, we came home to spend Emily’s first Christmas with our entire family.

Emily was a quiet child. She was always happy, always serene. But, the two weeks following her dismissal were spent trying to comfort her as she cried and began to throw up again. She lost weight and we told the surgeon we had to bring her. She went back in for surgery to ressect scar tissue and a bit more bowel that had died following the original surgery. Six days later, we were back home and all was well. We talked about what an amazing story this little girl would grow up with. We rejoiced in her healing and began to think to our new and normal future.

But, Emily did not gain weight. She looked healthy, but she was very tiny. At 7 months she weighed what she had weighed at 7 weeks. And she had become very somber. The doctors believed it would just take time for her to heal. We watched and waited.

On February 9, 2008, we drove back down to the same friend’s house we had been at when Emily had originally become sick. This time Daddy was with us and we left the four older children in the care of our friends while we went with Emily to a business dinner.

Emily was the belle of the ball. She was her usual serene self, charming everyone there.

That night, my friend, Sarah, and I sat up scrabooking when Emily awoke with a fever. I had brought some fever reducer and I gave that to her and nursed her. I remember remarking about deja vu…how this reminded me of her getting sick the last time we were there. I said it jokingly.

Emily’s fever went back down and she settled in. We went to bed.

Again, I was awakened by her cries and a fever. It was time that I could give her more medicine, so I did and took her to the couch to nurse. My oldest son awoke and as I sat there nursing her, I told him that she was sick and needed his prayers. He said, “That must be why God woke me up.”

She settled, her fever went down, and I laid her on a palette we had fixed on the floor beside our bed. I laid myself down. It was 6:30 am.

Less than 2 hours later, I awoke to the older children clamoring to find their friends and begin a day of playing. I rolled over to glance at Emmy. “Oh, good, she’s awake and looks happy,” I said to myself. I rolled back toward my husband when something struck me. She did not look quite right to me. I rolled back over and took a long hard look at her. I jumped up and grabbed her off the palette and laid her on the bed where I had been sleeping.

Her eyes were not tracking…she was looking off over my shoulder. Her sides were heaving and she had a faint smile on her lips. I said her name over and over and then hollered at Ty.

We raced to the ER with Emily wrapped in a blanket and me screaming her name over and over begging her to keep breathing. I ran through the doors of the ER as my husband parked the van. I remember telling them my baby was sick and quickly being ushered to a small room. When they removed her shirt, I could see a purple handprint on her side where my hand had been.

From there, it all became a blur. There were oxygen masks, intubation tubes, NG tubes, a warmer, and doctors and nurses all over the place. And then, there was a chaplain.

We prayed and cried and talked 90 miles an hour as questions were asked between the ER doctor and Emily’s surgeon on the phone. The LifeFlight crew finally got there from our home city, but Emily was not stable.

I remember watching the nurse do chest compressions, stop, and watch the monitor and then shake her head.

I remember seeing Emily’s little hand go limp and looking at her face and realizing her eyes were closed.

I remember thinking, “she’s gone.”

And finally, I could take it no longer.

“Give me my baby!” I yelled.

The chaplain immediately flew into action. He stopped the nurses, he got them to unhook everything. He asked for a blanket to wrap her in and she was handed to me.

It was then, the ache welled up within me and I began to wail; a primal, painful moan.

Prior to them handing me my little girl, my husband had hit the floor on his knees praying in agony. At some point, I felt him beside me as I sat there staring at her face and chest and begging her little body to come back to life. I kissed her toes and tucked stray pieces of her hair behind her ears and moaned my death cry.

My memories from there are in snippets. Sarah coming in with a look of horror on her face and asking what had happened. A call to the Krafts and Lynnette’s scream when I said, “Emmy’s dead.” A room full of friends from our old church. The chaplain asking me to let my husband hold Emmy. And finally, the children.

I did not want the children’s last memory of their baby sister to be us whisking her out the door. I did not want to come home without her. I wanted them to know what had happened. I wanted them to hold her one last time and grieve.

The hospital staff shuffled us across the hall to a private room and for the first time in 2 hours, I was able to stop crying. We told them their sister was with Jesus. We had them hold her and we took pictures.

And then, it was time to go.

The children were taken outside we were asked to give Emmy’s body to the nurse.

I wanted to die. I wanted to do anything but hand my daughter over to someone I did not know. I wanted to stay there and hold her forever. I stood there in front of that nurse in the middle of the ER hallway with other patients peeking out from their rooms trying to will myself to do the hardest thing I have ever done…walk away from my child.

I can still hear my friend Michaele’s voice in my right ear, “You can do this, Amy. It will be okay. She’s with Jesus now.” I don’t know how long I stood there. It felt like an eternity, yet not nearly long enough. And finally, I lifted Emily’s body toward the nurse. She held her arms under mine until I had the strength to place my precious child’s lifeless frame into this stranger’s arms. I let go and fell against my husband and bawled as we exited the ER.

The cold sunshine hit my face and I went numb. The next few hours were spent crying off and on as I laid on the same couch I had nursed Emily on just hours before. Kyle and Lynnette came to drive us home from there, life became a blur of visitors and funeral plans.

On February 14, 2008, we buried our fifth child, Emily Sofia.

And I will never be the same.

I encourage you to visit The Grieving Mother section of this blog if you or a loved one is grieving the loss of a child.

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372 Comments on Emily's Story

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372 thoughts on “Emily's Story

  1. I sat here crying, reading this, holding my second baby close. I’ve never lost like this, but even imagining it makes me sob. I wish I could hold you, am so glad that God has. He is so good…

  2. My grandson Caleb went to be with Jesus on February 3, 2008. Our life has never been the same. He was 4 years old and caught a cold which turned into “Sudden Onset Influenza A”. We, you and I, have an anniversary coming up. I will be praying for you.

  3. I found your blog through your guest post at Keeping the Kingdom First. I just read your story, and I had tears in my eyes. Thank you for sharing your precious daughter’s story. As Christians I am thankful that we have the hope of heaven and do not grieve as the world does. My heart goes out to you!

  4. Praying for you and your family as your anniversary is coming up. Thank you for sharing this, I can only imagine how hard it is. I will be hugging all my arrows extra tight today.

  5. Amy, I don’t know what to say, but that I’ll pray. Thank you for sharing your dear, sweet Emily’s story with us. With love and prayers,

  6. As a fellow mother, my heart broke while reading your pain. I can only imagine your intense hurt especially during those first months, probably only ever ebbing to a deep throb. I’m sorry for your suffering. My only consolation is that you are close enough to the LORD to hear his whispered love. I’m so thankful for His faithfulness to you and me.

    amy in peru

  7. Oh my! Tears are streaming down my face and I just don’t know what to say! We had friends that lost a daughter when she was 18 months old. She started having sudden seizures that they couldn’t stop. It’s been 2o years since she died and I can tell that the pain gets better. You’ll think of your little one often, but it won’t always hurt so badly! I thank you for sharing your story and I’m sending lots of prayers your way!
    .-= Kari´s last blog ..Intervention =-.

  8. Thank you for sharing Emily’s story. I cannot imagine walking through such a situation.

    God is our joy and our strength, even when HE seems farthest away. There are times when things are so hard we can’t even remember, but those, I think, are the times when HE is holding us.

    I am so sorry for your loss. Little Emily was a blessing to your family, to us as we read about her, and now to heaven.

    I pray that you are continually comforted, even as you sorrow for having lost her.

    Many blessings to you and your family.
    Rhonda aka Joyfulnspirit

  9. i am so sorry. my baby is 5 months old– i just googled “managing laundry for large families” and ended up here. your family has my prayers tonight. so sorry.

    • Thank you so much. We spent some time at the cemetery yesterday crying and remembering and looking forward to seeing her again.

      • heartbreaking. i thought of you so many times today after reading your story last night. i prayed for you , but don’t even know what to ask for, other than peace, which it seems like you have, as much as you can. i will say that sharing a story like that makes me, for one, realize that i should appreciate every day that i have with my little ones- i know you will see her again, but i also know you miss her.

  10. I came across your story researching Sonlight. I am in tears. I can’t imagine losing a child. I am working right now and want to do nothing but go to my children and hug them. God will make all things right.

  11. God bless you dear ones. What a beautiful little girl Emily is! I can only imagine that your somber girl is radiant now! It’s so hard for those of us left behind, however.

    I have… and am…crying. I feel such anguish for you and your husband for what you went through. I lost a brother quickly when I was younger and can remember the suddenness of grief. It’s so unbelievable. Now that I’m a mommy, I can’t imagine THAT pain, though I witnessed, first-hand, what my parents went through.

    This story will not be far from me and I will remember you in prayer.

    In the Lord,

  12. I’m sitting here in tears. I can’t even imagine the pain and hurt you went through and still feel. Sending hugs your way and I know this was about two years ago but if you ever just want someone to talk to please reach out to me (you can reach me on twitter @aliciamarie112) or email which you have in my response. Just said a prayer for you.
    .-= Alicia´s last blog ..Small Talk Six: Rise and Shine =-.

  13. Wow. You are an amazingly strong woman. It is near to my heart and brought me back to what we faced when my son was 3 1/2 weeks old. He was flown to a University hospital with the fear that his bowel was twisted. Thankfully, after the surgeon performed surgery he realized that it was not twisted and he was ok. Thank you for sharing your story and helping me to realize although I don’t have a lot, I do have a healthy child who has brought more joy in my life than anything else in the world. Your story will live in my heart forever. God bless you and your family.

  14. From one grieving mother to another, thank you for sharing your story.

    My grief began October 31, 1994, when our 6 day old baby girl Shelby Nicole passed into the arms of Jesus.

    Many of the same emotions you describe are exactly what I felt those many years ago, and I am feeling as I type these words. I am changed forever.

    The Lord has been our comfort these last almost 16 years and today I praise Him for the life and death of our precious baby girl. She has been His vehicle to restore me back into a right relationship with Him, I firmly believe.

    God Bless you and your Emily Sofia, I can see both our girls resting in Jesus’ arms.

  15. I’m a mom of five, ranging from 10 years to one year. I am sitting here crying my eyes out. I’m so sorry your family has had to deal with such a loss. You, your husband, and your little girl will be on my mind each time I am graced by God to kiss one of my children.
    .-= Cheryce´s last blog ..I love cake! =-.

  16. Amy,
    I just wanted you to know… I read this again… and I felt sad again. Sad for your pain. Sad for your heartache. Sad for the death of your precious Emily.

    I’m so glad the horrible days of grieving are over for you. We serve a compassionate, loving God who truly does restore our joy and gives us a reason to dance again.


  17. Handing your baby over is heartwrenching. I refused as we were out of town, we brought my baby home after he died and by that time I was able to hand him over to the undertaker. I do not know your pain as each person’s grief is personal but I do know that slowly ever so slowly joy comes back. God sees to that. {{{{hugs}}}from a mom you’ve never met but will be praying for you today.
    .-= Christy´s last blog ..I WON THE FAT BOOK!! =-.

  18. I googled Sandhill Plums & found your blog. Amy you & your family will be in my prayers tomorrow, Mother’s Day. We lost our second baby on Mother’s Day 36 years ago.

  19. Thank you for sharing this beautiful story with us and I am so sorry for the loss of your precious gift Emily. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family, God Bless.
    .-= KatKeen´s last blog ..Light Bulb =-.

  20. I cried reading this, and in that photo she looks so much like my dear little (living) cousin! Their name even begins with the same letter!

  21. Having just gone through losing my beautiful 49 day old daugther to a serious brain and heart birth defect, I can identify with your story. It’s a “club” I never wanted to belong to. God bless little Emily. She and Kara Faith are singing with Jesus.

    • I remember reading of your little Kara Faith. She was such a beautiful child! I’m sure you will continue to be blessed by her short life the way we have been by Emmy’s. Thank you so much for stopping by. {HUGS}

  22. I wept in shared pain as I read this. I now am blessed with 6 beautiful children (5 living) but I still remember that bundle of joy the Lord gave me for the best 1 month and 27 days of my life. I lost my faith that morning I woke up to find Jocelyn eternally sleeping in her cradle. I pray that this does not happen to you.

  23. wow, been 8 years since we went through almost the same thing minus the surgeries, our 9 month old Levi died Feb 10 2002. I still have not even written the whole story. blessings to you my dear sister.

    • Penny,
      I am so sorry. Writing has been healing for me. In those early months, that’s all my blog was…a place to grieve. I wondered if I would ever feel normal again. I do feel normal, but I will always be the mother of a child who died. That never goes away and it definitely changes me outlook on many things…for the better, I believe. {{HUGS}} to you and yours.

      • yes Amy and many are blessed by your writing I am sure as I was :), I didn’t have a blog back then, I have written pieces here and there and really should write it all in one place. The miracles God did are amazing and as hard as it was His presence was Soo evident. Honestly, and to most folks this doesn’t make sense, but I would not trade the experience for anything. The short time my son was sick he slept more and nursed less frequent. I conceived and we had a daughter in October. We named her Mercy. The Lord gave us that name while I was in labor with Levi, even though we knew he would be a son. His love is truly amazing.

        • Penny,
          We also saw many blessings throughout our grief. One of the big ones was the fact that the bills seemed insurmountable, but ended up completely paid off. God was right there all the time, holding us.

          If you ever do end up writing something for Levi, please let me know. I would love to read of him. And Mercy was the name we would have named Micah had he been a girl. :)

  24. You are amazing! I am sitting here with huge tears in my eyes as my baby is sleeping soundly in his crib. You have lived through my worst nightmare and I pray I never need to come to you for strength. Just reading your story and how you can articulate it shows me that God really does work miracles. While he may have been ready for Emily to come home, He blessed you with the strength to move on and give other strength. Thank you for being so strong and brave.

  25. Oh Amy…
    I just came across you site this morning and as a mom, Emily’s story broke my heart. I have always said that I could never handle holding my child’s lifeless body in my hands. Amy, I am so very sorry that you had to endure my biggest fear. May God continue to help you heal.

    Most Sincerely,

  26. Amy, I read this today and cried. I don’t think I was able to even begin to comprehend how utterly heartbreaking this experience was for you, Ty and the rest of your family until I became a mom myself. I know there are no words to take away your pain. May God Bless your family and Emily. Thank you for sharing her story.

  27. WOW! I can’t even begin to imagine what you have been through. I am sitting here crying for you/with you. You will be in my prayers and I can’t tell you how grateful I am to know that you are a Christian and WILL see sweet Emmy again someday!

  28. Amy,
    I can’t even imagine what you have went through. I have lost a child, Alexander, at 5mths into my pregnancy which is different. I know how hard that was for me, I sat up for nights at a time for months crying because of my loss. I havve been blessed with 2 more children since him and I am sitting here looking at my 5th child(6th with counting Alex), a girl named Emma Caroline and I don’t know what I would do without her. I have tears streaming down my face! You are such a strong woman! Blessings to you and your family…. I am going to say a prayer for your continued strength.

  29. Amy,
    I can’t imagine the grief that you live with every day. May God comfort you in countless ways until you see her again. She was a beautiful baby this side of heaven and I’m sure that she is beyond beautiful in heaven. I know you long to hold and see her again. My sister in Christ, may you always remain
    in HIS grip,

  30. This is my first visit to your site and as I am typing, the tears are streaming.
    We lost our first baby during a miscarriage which was extremely difficult. It was the most difficult experience of my life yet, it was through losing Isaiah that I grew the most in Him.

    I can’t imagine how much more painful it would have been for you, having had so much more time to get to know your sweet babe.
    But it is amazing to to watch the Lord work these things for His glory. I wonder how many lives you have touched because of your courage to share your story. I wonder how He will use it.


  31. Oh my, I randomly clicked to your blog from the Not Back to School Blog Hop, and I saw the little picture of Emily on the side of your site. We also have a daughter, our 5th child, named Emily. Her sister is Sophia. My heart is just breaking for you, and I can’t stop the tears. I cannot imagine the pain you went through, you must still feel. I just want to run into the other room and pick up my 3 month old Emily and hold her so tightly. I know God only gives us what we can handle, even though we don’t feel like we can handle it. I don’t even know what to say. I just wanted to connect with you and tell you you and your family are in my prayers. How wonderful that you will be able to hold Emmy again one day, though I know sometimes that day may seem too far off. I am so sorry.

  32. Amy,

    I accidentally stumbled on your blog and saw this post about your sweet daughter. My oldest son Johnathan was also born that July 4th 2006. My prayers are with you and your family. I can only imagine how hard this has been on your family. ((Hugs)) Stephanie

  33. I read Emilys story and there are no words to express the sorrow that comes with losing a child. I am the mom of 3 children – 2 grown daughters and my firstborn a son born with a congenital heart defect who has grown up in Heaven. The Lord called him Home at 6 mos of age.

    I am so sorry for your loss. May the Lord continue to comfort and hold you in His Almighty arms.

  34. I haven’t just cried, I’m sobbing hard, as if I know the child.
    I feel the grief, but it’s nothing what you and your family went thru!
    Please Dear Lord don’t let anything like that happen to me!!!

    You are sooo brave and strong- God Bless you always!!!

  35. my heart goes out to you..I’m a mother too of a one year and three month old baby…Whenever I look at her, I feel the love flowing, unstoppable. Everytime she gets sick, I couldn’t think well. I couldn’t imagine losing my precious life so early in her life…I want to see her grow, go to school, have friends,have dates and get married…I will always pray for you and for strength for you to live each day with the pain of losing a child…God is looking and He is gracious…

  36. If I could I’d give you a hug and buy you a coffee.

    I cannot imagine what it is like to lose a child. I am sorry for your loss. Really, I am sitting here tearing up. Please accept my condolences.

  37. I am speechless and in tears. I am SO sorry for your loss and can’t imagine your heartache. I have two sons and to lose them is unimaginable to me. I am so sorry

  38. Hello Amy, I found you through your post on LAF and I when I saw that you had lost a child I clicked on your blog. Then I read your story. I know that death cry you are talking about too well it’s almost not even human like something takes and rips our heart out. We lost our daughter June 08. She was six months old. We laid her down for a nap in our bed and she become trapped in between the mattress and headboard. She couldn’t breath or cry. The guilt and grief still threatens to overtake me. We have an 8 year old daughter, 6 year d son, and a baby girl 16 months old. I often have nightmares. I feel so alone and my inlaws blame me entirely even though my husband and I were both home. I know in my heart she was meant to live us but my mind tells me that if I would had just checked one more time she’d be here. How do we move on as wives and mothers? Sorry but I’m barely holding on and am looking for someone who understands. Please help me.

    • Keri, I don’t know you and I am just a random woman reading through these comments but yours has struck me deeply. I want you to have forgiveness in your heart. I know you are a loving mother and it grieves me to read your sadness and guilt–I can just feel it in your words. I am praying tonight that Jesus fills your heart with hope and peace and frees your soul from lies.

    • Keri, I hope you have received and continue to receive the help you cried out for. I only wish I had read this nearly 3 years ago. As a nurse in a critical care unit, the hardest thing I have to do is just what was described in Emily’s story. I lie awake crying at some of the families I’ve seen. Both of you appear to be able to grasp that strength the Lord gives you. It took me nearly an hour to get through Emily’s story, as I stopped, prayed, cried, prayed, took out my contacts & prayed some more. Though I’ve been through similar situations on the nurse’s end, the closest I’ve ever been is performing cpr on my own 16 mo. old son. I don’t know how you two feel, but I ache in my heart, and my stomach turns at your losses. I would love to be there for both of you to hold your hands, hug you, sit by your beds at night while you cry out to your Savior. But I am so far away (and 3 years behind). I will continue to pray for you two. For Grace, for healing, and for thanksgiving–that the two of you have an everlasting hope that so many I have seen do not. I can do nothing to heal your scars, but I know who can. If either of you are in Idaho, do look me up. I have hugs, and I bake cookies. May Jesus lie by you as you sleep tonight, and may you forever have the faith that He always leads your way, and He always walks behind you. Peace be with you.

  39. Hi,

    I was very touched to read little Emily’s short life. I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I could say it is alright.

    I had a request. If possible, please email me. I would like to share my pain with someone. I am 23 years old and I am very disappointed in life.

    Looking forward to having a chat with you.


  40. I just read your story, and I have tears gathering. but I was just thinking, and I hope this is comforting, she did get healing, only it didn’t come like you expected.
    I cried looking at her picture. She looks SO much like my own dear cousin Ellie! Ellie is healthy and strong, and it made me praise God for that.
    I will pray for you.

  41. I just saw I posted another comment earlier (I didn’t see it before.) I was reading Emily’s story again and I posted again. :) sorry if it was confusing

  42. I have had two babies go to be with Jesus. Both were the result of miscarriage, which I know is very different than loosing a child you’ve held and nursed. Thank you so much for your transparency. Your story is beautiful and you are brave to post it.

  43. I lost two babies to miscarriage. I cannot even imagine handing over your baby to a nurse in the hospital. This is so transparent and honest and profoundly touching. Thank you for being brave enough to allow others to mourn with you.

  44. I just read your Emily’s story and relived the final days of my son’s life about 20 years ago. I too buried my baby, only 1 year old, on February 14. He was our third son.
    Time will not take away the pain. I felt it again as I read about your daughter. However, over time, you will know that God had a purpose. Perhaps it’s just so you could help those who do not have the faith in Him that you have.
    We have had two more sons since we lost Brendan. He would have been our last child if things had been different. We like to think that he gave us the gift of his two younger brothers.
    Now all four of our children are grown. The youngest will graduate high school this year.
    Best wishes to you and your family as you all work towards peace.

  45. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful daughter’s story. A few months ago I found myself in that same place–the hardest place I think any mom could ever be–having to hand my dead child over to a stranger and walk away forever (here on earth, anyway). But God’s grace is so amazing as He carries, or sometimes drags, us through these most difficult of times and brings joy back to us. I will be praying that He will continue to bring your comfort and peace and wonderful memories of your time with Emily.

  46. Amy, I just read your heartbreaking story. I found your blog through another blog, unfortunately it was also about a family who lost a child. Reading your story takes me back to when we lost our son, almost 2 years ago. My son Ian was 13 years old and died from complications from the flu. You were so right when you said that life became a blur and you were not the same. Part of me died that day when my son died and I am not the same person I was before. The hardest thing I have ever done was saying good bye to my son and then having to leave him there at the hospital so they could take him to the morgue. I just remember crying, wailing with so much pain when they told me there was nothing they could do for my son, he was gone. I have been on these emotional roller coaster ride for almost 2 years now. It kills me every morning I wake and face a new day without him, but I do it for my 9 year old daughter who needs her mother. I know my husband and I could have easily just curled up into a ball and waste the days away but we don’t. We put on our “mask” every day and survive for our daughter. I think it helps when parents can read about other parents who have to walk through this difficult journey as well. Becoming a bereaved parent can make you feel so isolated, as least it did for me as I watched all my family and friends go on with life with ALL of their children. It helps tremendously when I can read about another bereaved parent’s journey, I don’t feel SO all alone. Thank you for writing about your journey, you are helping others who also have to walk in “our” shoes. May peace and comfort be with you and your family.

    • Amy,
      I am so sorry for your pain. There are so many aspects to grief others do not realize. It is my prayer that what I write here will both comfort other grieving parents and help those around them to understand just a little piece of what this is like and what they can do to be there for others. {HUGS}

  47. Oh my heart goes out to you, your husband and children. My heart just dropped and i burst into tears when i read your story, you are such a brave and strong woman. It makes you cherish life all that bit more when you know what someone else has gone through. I am sure she is watching over you and spending time around you and your family, sit back and watch forhe subtle signs, alot of hugs heading your way <3

  48. What a beautiful baby girl, her life gone far too quickly. This story broke my heart to pieces, I was sobbing at the end. I am so completely sorry for your loss.

  49. Our daughter Ella was a love child, she was diagnosed with Turner’s Syndrome and Hypo-plastic Left Heart Syndrome. She lived for three months; she survived one of her 3 surgeries. When I read about your daughters look and her labored breathing, it brought me to the afternoon I saw the same in my Ella. Watching my child die in my arms affects me everyday of my life and always will. You’re not alone; we dwell in the same emptiness.

  50. Oh my… I am in tears. Just reading your story makes my heart feel like it is ripped apart, though that could never come anywhere close to what you have gone through. I like to think of myself as someone who has faith in God, I am born-again and Spirit-filled and have three young children… however I do not know how I would get through this if it happened to me and one of my precious babies was to pass. Knowing that, it has made me evaluate my relationship with God and ask myself; how much faith do I really have? I already deal with depression, anxiety and chronic pain, and I struggle sometimes… however, to go through what you have in losing a child – I don’t know if I would ever recover.

    You are such a brave woman, and such a faithful child of the Most High – and through your story I have been inspired to dedicate myself more to deepening my relationship with God, trusting Him and exercising my faith. As I muddle through each day, I will remember you and your family and also remember all of the miracles our Father has done for my sake.

    I am inspired by your story. I only started reading your blog today after my mum sent the link to me – I need as much help as possible to deal with many personal and health issues and have started homeschooling my 2 oldest children as well… it seems it was by His grace that I have been shown to your site. Thankyou for sharing this with me (us), I am sorry for your grief and loss, for the hole in your heart of your baby daughter. I am also thankful for a loving God that has carried you through and holds your baby in His arms. There are so many things that I am thinking – feeling – and want to babble on about. May you and your family be so mightily blessed and increased.

    Warmest blessings,

  51. Pingback: Whispers Of The Heart « Are We There Yet?

  52. I’m moved to tears. There are no words. . .

    My suffering a miscarriage, which was devastating for me simply pales in comparison. . .

    God bless you, sweet sister, and your family as well. We’ll get to see your Emily Sofia one day in heaven.

  53. I feel all famlies are blessed! As I read what you wrote, I wonder why? Why can’t we make things better for sick children? Why does a child have to die? I wonder what complications from a flu can make a child die? Like Amy’s son Ian. He was a teenager? Wow! I do not understand this. My kids and grandkids get the flu, how do we know what will send them into the arms of God? And when? So many questions, so few answers. The blessing is in knowing that the children who passed away from this life on earth are now resting in the arms of Our Lord. God Bless you and your family, alone with all the other famlies past and present who are grieving over their child.

  54. I was linked to your blog for your “Simplying Life” article….and noticed your beautiful baby.

    Now, I’m sitting here weeping for your loss, and realized tomorrow is the anniversary of her “home-going” to Jesus. Praying for you from Africa, right now.

  55. Amy,
    I cried and cried as I read your story. I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby girl. And thank you for the reminder that life, and our little ones, are so so precious.
    Hugs, Saminda.

  56. I wanted to let you know that Emily’s story touched my heart!! I am so very sorry for your loss and hope that you and the rest of your family continue to heal and become stronger in love. To lose a child, at any age for any reason is the worst possible thing any parent can face. Continue to be a source of strength for all, God bless xo

  57. As I sit here sobbing, from reading of your beautiful Emily Sofia, I can say that I have never been through anything remotely close and I hope I never have to. I cannot even begin to imagine what it must have been like or what it is still like for you on a day to day basis! I have a 2 year old son. Everytime I hear stories like this I sob even more to think if this were my son. What would I do? I hope your story does help other mothers and fathers cope. God bless you and yours!

  58. I just happened upon this blog post and my heart is broken for you. You are quite a strong women to share your story. It reminded me to kiss my babies and show them as much love as possible.

    I know your story is helping others who have been in your shoes. Thank you for sharing it.

  59. My goodness. As I strain to see the computer screen through my tears, I am blessed as you have shared such personal parts of your life with us, both the good parts and the painful struggles. May God continue to wrap his arms around you and give you comfort and strength. :o)

  60. Hello Amy,

    I found your blog through another and was drawn to the beautiful picture of your angel. I cannot imagine going through what you have, I thought the trials I have faced to be painful enough, but they pale in comparison. I do know that God gives us the strength to bear all things and Praise God that you were able to draw your strength from Him and even reach out to other grieving mothers by being so transparent about your own experience.

    God bless you and may He continue to strengthen and console you and your precious family.

  61. I am breathless after reading about your beautiful baby, and feel stronger in my own faith after reading about your family and immediate readiness to pray. I stumbled across your blog and wish I could sit for hours reading it. My son was a 9 week early preemie, and I watched my baby turn blue 3 times. God bless you for your faith and witness.

  62. wow. I don’t know what to say except I think this was one of the hardest things I have ever read. I don’t even know what else to say. I just…am at a loss. What a precious little angel you had for a little while. –S

  63. Oh I am just sobbing at my keyboard. I lost my 4 daughter as an infant. The pain and emotion in your story brought back so much of mine.
    I am so so sorry for all you have been through. I wish you many moments of peace and hope our daughters are looking down on us and smiling.

  64. Amy, I came across your blog and felt drawn to read it because of the picture of your beautiful child. I was weeping as I read about her last breaths in your arms. I am so, so sorry for your loss.

    I haven’t lost a child, though I have had four miscarriages. For me, your story reminded me of my sister’s death just two years ago. She was not a child, but was 40 years old, a homeschooling mom of three and a devoted wife. She was my best friend…. and I also had to leave her body with the nurses…. I was the last one to leave her side… it was so hard for me to go and know that no one who truly loved her would be with her.

    The verse came to mind, “Why are you looking for him here… he is not here, he is risen….” I had to say to myself outloud “She is not here… she is risen.” It has now been two years since she passed, and it dawned on me in reading your very poignant and transparent post how much grief in different forms can be the same.

    Like you, I am forever changed. I no longer have a sister after having one my whole life. I am thankful that we can grieve as those who have hope. God bless you and your family.

  65. I work in a children’s hospital and want you to know that all of our staff carries these difficult stories in their hearts too. What a blessing that you have the strength to write out your story and your angel’s too. Blessings.

  66. As I wipe away the tears I can only I’m so sorry for your loss. The ONLY time I ever became pregnant was when I was very young and my daughter lived only 4 hours. For the last 13 years I’ve not conceived again. I understand this grief but see how you had so much more to grieve. Your beautiful blessing was with you for longer, you knew her, nurtured her and fed her.

    God bless you and Thank you for reminding me that I never have to forget my child!

    • Please don’t make your loss seem any less than what it was/is. You carried your child in your womb for nine months, gave birth and held your baby and then God decided to take her home. I cannot even begin to imagine what that would feel like. You are a mother and always will be and it’s ok to miss your child. The loss of a child is never easy. My prayers are with you. =)

  67. On Oct. 16, 2002, my world changed forever as well. Cameron was just shy of 5 months too when he passed from his mom’s arms into the arms of Jesus. My heart cries for you.

    The only thing I can tell you is you will not ever get over it, but you will, with time, learn to live with it.

    I still have times when I have to hide in the arms of Our Lord to make it through the day. He understands, as he too lost a child.

  68. I am sitting here on Mother’s Day reading this, and I’m crying for you. She was BEAUTIFUL! I, too have an “Emily”, and she was born on Feb. 9th.

    I am so, so terribly sorry for your loss. I know that you will never forget her or stop missing her, and I know me, just a fellow home schooling mom who stumbled upon your blog, can never express the right words for you and your family, but i just had to comment to let you know how sorry i am, and how deeply reading this touched me. I know there is nothing I can say or do, but may God bless you, your husband, and the rest of the lives Emily touched.

  69. My heart goes out to you and your family in the loss of your beautiful little Emmy. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. My prayers are with you, thank you so much for sharing your story, painful as it is. Blessings on your day.

  70. Wow, what a sad story! I’m almost crying right now. It makes me think about my little brother. We almost lost him; he had a cleft palate and could hardly eat, and lost a huge amount of weight. Thank God that he is doing well, but I always think of how close we came to losing him without even knowing it. He was always crying, never happy. What a sad, sad thing to lose a child!

  71. I’m so sorry, but thankful the Lord has held you up…
    I’m reminded that He says, “My strength is sufficient…”

  72. Your story brought tears to my eyes and put words to my worst fear in life. I have 10 children and my very worst fear is losing even one of them. I can see it in my mind, having to walk away from their body. I don’t think I could do it. God bless your husband for being strong for you and telling you what he did at that moment. I pray your heart heals and it doesn’t hurt when you think of your sweet baby girl. She was beautiful, by the way.

    Lord bless you,
    Janet C….. mamachildress

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  74. Bless you, your husband, your children and all your readers that have suffered with losing a child. My heart breaks for you.

  75. I just read this for the first time and am sitting in tears. I’m 8 months pregnant with our 5th child. As I try not to take for granted we have 4 healthy children, have had a 5th healthy pregnancy thus far, this really makes me grateful. I know that anything can happen, but my heart breaks for you. I pray that if this is what God would ask of me, that He would give me the strength to endure it. Bless you and your family Amy.

  76. Somehow I stumbled on your blog today. Thank you for sharing your story of Emily.

    I too have a baby in heaven, though my story is a bit different. My baby boy died when I was 9 months pregnant with him. He would be 2 next week.

    Aren’t you glad this is not the end for us? Burying a child is the hardest thing a mother can do. Thank goodness that there is a future with our babies in heaven! xoxo

  77. Amy, your story has touched my heart so deeply! I have also experienced something of the grief you have written of, in our case, it has been 18 years since our Christopher was born and died shortly after birth. The most difficult of our 10 pregnancies, and the only time my life was in peril. We had lost 7 babies to miscarriage before this, but the pain of our earlier losses was pale in comparison. Time will heal your pain and grief to a degree, I trust. Our two living children are adults now, both were home educated for much of their schooling. We are blessed to enjoy five young grandchildren. Over these many years my husband and I have been able to counsel many couples that knew (as we did) that the child they were carrying would not survive outside the womb. Several gained courage to maintain their pregnancies and trust the Lord with their future and allow the Lord’s plan for their baby, rather than abortion. Truly we can say it was worth it all to trust the Lord and allow Him to lead us on a walk of faith through difficult trials to His glory. Great is the faithfulness of our Lord and Savior, His mercies are new every morning! We will have a full quiver when we get to heaven! Thank you for writing about your precious Emily, her brief life is touching others in a way that you could never imagine.

  78. I’m crying as I read your heart wrenching story. I’ve always said losing a child must be the most horrible thing for a parent to go through. I just can’t imagine the pain or how one goes on with life. Thank you for sharing your story.

  79. While reading this aloud to my husband I got choked up and couldn’t talk anymore..my husband finish reading what I couldn’t aloud and he himself couldn’t read aloud anymore because of him crying. I’m sitting here nursing my 1 1/2 year old while she sleeps. She is super little weighing 17 lbs and wearing size 1 shoes and 6 month clothing. It all brought me back to the day I almost lost her. She went limp in my arms and was purple her eyes open rolled slightly back as well as her mouth open… I’m so sorry for your loss and I’m still crying for you, my hear aches and I will never forget Emily or your story. I worry about losing her all the time. She is very small for some reason and the Drs here are not caring saying she is just little. No mother wants to be in that situation ever. I start keeping you in my prayers.

    Here is what happened nothing compared to losing a child and almost doesn’t really mean anything to someone that has…because I didn’t…. Again my heart aches for you..Thank you for sharing the life of your little Emily with us.

  80. I pray that God will continue to comfort you and your family for the loss of your baby girl. She was beautiful! I pray peace, love, and such a close walk with God that will bring you deep, deep, joy within to one day replace the overwhelming grief. Your story really touched my heart. Many hugs and prayers to you.

  81. We learn more and more each day how many families out there suffer loss and heartache. Our little girl, Margaret, was taken to Heaven at 6 months after succombing to pneumonia. Ten days after she was born we discovered her fast heartbeat and poor nursing was due to a genetic disorder called Charge Syndrome. As we begin to peel back the layers of her condition, other problems became manifest – severe heart defects, kidney, hearing and vision problems. I spent the first 2 months of Margaret’s life in the children’s hospital, an hour away from my husband and children, very lonely and anxious, and at Margaret’s side every day.

    She had one surgery (more were scheduled for later) and we came home with much hope. My days were filled with hovering around her like a butterfly, refilling and readjusting her feeding tube, dosing medicine and just trying to make that sweet little saint comfortable amidst her sufferings.

    Margaret reminds me of your Emily – beautiful, quiet and brown-haired. Her vocal chords had been damaged during the heart surgery and so she was not only sweet…but silent. I longed to hear her voice and prayed for the day when he vocal chords would start working again. In fact, I was full of much hope, imaging life with a “special needs” child. I smiled as I thought of how she would find her place in the family, how cute she would look in the thick glasses she’d need, and how the other children would become her guardian angels.

    But it was not to be. I’ll always remember her pediatrician (a wonderful, Godly man) saying to me when I would take her in for check-ups “let’s be thankful it’s not something major like pneumonia.” In January of 2007 a minor cold turned into just that – pneumonia. But we kept our heads up and fought it as best we could. In fact, one afternoon the home nurse came for a visit and commented on Margaret’s beautiful coloring and how she was glowing that day. I was so proud of my little girl and took this as a sign that maybe she had turned a corner. After doing some more chest percussions, I put her down for a nap and went about my household chores.

    Just 3 hours after the nurse had told me how healthy she looked, I answered a knock at the door. The insurance man had come to discuss our policy. I showed him in, stirred the soup on the stove, and went to check Margaret. But she had already gone home. Jesus took her silently and sweetly.

    My mother’s heart knew she was dead, but still I frantically tried mouth-to-mouth while my husband dialed 911. Our children watched in silence and confusion as both mother and father gave in to panic and grief. The medics arrived but could do no better than I. We followed her body to the hospital where was was officially proclaimed dead.

    And yes, we also experienced that moment of surrendering her body to the medical staff. But we knew the most beautiful and dear part of her, the soul, was safe in God’s hands.

    The blessings of losing a child are many. Yes, there are blessings! Isn’t that amazing to say? Margaret’s life and death brought many people closer to the Lord. She taught us to appreciate life and health. She helped us to be less selfish. She helped us to rely on God above all things. She helped us to see the limitations of modern medicine, marvelous though it is. She helped us to see just how devastating the effects of that first sin in Eden were – the pain and suffering even touch the innocent.

    But most of all, her death caused us to ask God “why?” and to be willing to accept with TOTAL trust and love the answer “You might never fully know until you see her again.”

    Complete surrender to God’s will is what He wants. And because He’s good, we can feel safe and secure doing this.

    God bless you, Amy, and may you know more and more each day much He loves you!

  82. I just read Emily’s story and though I have never lost one of my children, my sister has. Both of our youngest chirldren were supposed to be born on Oct. 5, 2003. Hers came early, August 24. He was a Down’s Syndrome baby with heart defect. My son was born Sept. 28, 2003. Cohen had 2 open heart surgeries and he went home to be with the Lord on Jan. 24,2005. They had just arrived home from the mission field the night beore. That was the hardest thing I have ever been thru, wondering why God spared my child and not my sister’s child. I still don’t understand. I am soo sorry for your loss. I will pray for you and your family.

  83. I just read emily’s story. As tears roll down my cheeks, I’m trying to find words of comfort for you. I know it was three years ago, but I can only imagine the pain is still there. My heart broke reading this, i seriously felt the pain in my chest as the tears spilled over. I have two children and there just aren’t words. I am so very sorry for ya’lls loss. My heart and prayers go out to your family. You are a strong woman Amy. I send many, many hugs to you and your family. Your babygirl is beautiful, again I am so, so sorry for your loss.

  84. I’m so terribly sorry for your loss. I’ve never suffered a loss such as this and can’t imagine what you must have gone through and what you must still go through. It brought me to tears just reading your story. Thanks for sharing it. I’m sure God is using you to reach people who might not have been reached because of your willingness to share this.

  85. I was on the Raising Arrows page and clicked on your gorgeous daughter’s picture. I have tears streaming down just from reading your story.
    You are a beautifull example of strength!!

  86. My Dear Sister in Christ,
    My heart breaks for you and all of the other families who have suffered such devistaions that words cannot express. As you discribe the wailings of your spirit, it gives us the true depth of pain that words failed to convey. We too have faced loss of a child and I just wanted to thank you for being brave and strong in our Lord and for sharing with us your greif. As our Lord holds on to your precious Baby and all of the other precious Babies be encouraged and strengthened knowing you are not alone and that God in all of his mercy, grace, and loving kindness Never wastes a tear. I wish I could just hug you and these other ladies. May God richly bless each of you.

  87. I’ve been reading your blog about homeschooling and stumbled upon the story of your daughter Emily. I am at a loss for words, but pray that God will continue to comfort you and your family. Thank-you for sharing your story with us. I can’t imagine how many grieving mothers you are going to touch by this story. As christians, what a comfort to know that we will be reunited with our babies once again!

  88. thank you so very much for sharing your story. a friend of mine sent me the link for your story because my son all of a sudden stopped gaining weight. he is 6 1/2 months and only weighs 13.5 pounds he just lost 2 ounces in the last two weeks. we are doing every test possible right now to rule out anything that could be wrong. i never once thought to maybe do an x-ray. however after ive read your story i now have new questions for his doctor. im so very sorry for your loss and cannot imagine the pain and loss you and your husband must feel. thank you again for sharing your story.

  89. As a mommy to two tiny girls, I could hardly get through this story. The tears are rolling down my face, and I thank you for sharing. What a gift our children are. May we never, never take them for granted. Much love to you and your family.

  90. May God comfort you and always cover you with his love. I found myself sobbing while reading this. My fiancee had a daugther, Madalynn, who passed away at 16 months old on February 11th, 2001. I can’t know the pain of losing a child this way, but I have seen him suffer. It’s a loss that never leaves you. I will say a prayer for you and your family. I’m so sorry.

  91. I just found your site today via facebook and I read about your daughter, Emily. I cry here and my heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine the pain you must’ve felt. May God bless you with strength and peace at seeing your precious child again in His kingdom.

  92. when we lost our baby on november 5, 1998, almost thirteen years ago someone gave
    me a card with this poem and it has meant more to me that anything. so i
    thought i would share it. the scripture on the front is Job 1:21 and inside
    it says:
    ” I was thinking abut what’s ahead for the baby. Can you imagine-it will be
    taking its first steps on the streets of Heaven! Hannah was a mother who
    certainly knows how special a little baby is. Perhaps she’ll be the one who
    will let it hold her finger as it takes those first staggering steps; and
    maybe she will be the one to coax it into taking it first steps alone!
    Perhaps Dorcas will see to it that its hems get let out, and that the
    buttons are sewn on that growing child. And Joshua! Just think what it would
    be like for a child to climb into his lap and hear-first hand- about the
    battle of jericho!..
    Maybe Petrer will take it fishing someday! It will never fall out of tree or
    breaks it’s leg, for there is no pain or tears there! It won;t be afraid of
    the dark for there is no darkness there. The King of Kings, the Lord of
    Lords, he is the very one who said, “let the little children come to me.” I
    expect there will be many a time when he himself will take that baby in his
    lap and let it know a love that makes all other loves seem puny by contrast.
    I wouldn’t be surprised if the Heavenly Father keeps a few lollipops handy
    for just such occasions….
    And one day, you will be greeted with a ” Hi Dad and Mom! I’ve got some of
    the neatest things to show you; and some really fantastic people i can’t
    wait for you to meet.”

  93. Thank You Amy.
    I read Emily’s story today and cried. I cried for you and I cried for me. When I was 28 weeks pregnant I gave birth to a baby boy, Jacob. He never breathed. And the very hardest part was giving up his body and having empty arms. Your articulation of this moment was so real for me, and so healing to be able to experience something previously so internal expressed by another. I am now 28 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby but still so aware of Jacob with each movement of this baby.
    I am deeply grateful for your choice to bring your experience into community, as a gift to share. Thank you.

  94. I couldnt get through this story with out tears rolling down my face. :( I couldnt imagaine such a loss. I think of my small girls and how greatful I am. Thank you for sharing your story and I am so very sorry for your familys loss.

  95. Wow! I am a mom to 3 little boys. When I was pregnant with #3, our niece was in an accident at daycare, unconsciously taken to the hospital, life flighted to a larger, childrens hospital. She was there for 3 days before she passed away…10 days before her 2nd birthday! I have been reading your blog off and on for a few months, but just stumbled across your precious Emily’s story! You will be in my thoughts and prayers….what a joyous reunion you will have some day in heaven!

  96. And I did not realize that you knew Lynnette. I found her blog when looking for support when my son was born with a heart condition. He is now a happy healthy two and a half year old and I cannot imagine my life without him. I can’t imagine what you two ladies have gone through, but oh the strength God has given you both to go on and minister to others. Looking forward to the day when we can all be reunited with all of our babies in Heaven!

  97. Thank you for sharing your story. I am sure the pain never goes away completely, despite having faith that your precious daughter is waiting for you in Heaven. As I sit here & cry with you, I am also saying a prayer for you & your family. God bless!

  98. There are no words to say to offer you comfort. Your daughter is precious; just a delight to look at. The tears are dropping to the floor as I read your story. I am amazed that you can write your story, but glad that you did. You will help many people. May the LORD bless you in a very special way.

  99. Thank you for sharing your story. Your pain and your love can be felt through your words. I cried reading it, it was well written. I’m so sorry that Emily passed away, she was a beautiful little girl. It sounds like all of us are grieving in some way. For me, I had a miscarriage at 3 months… I pray for all of us grieving mothers to find peace and begin the healing process.


  101. I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine what you guys have been through. I have 2 kids and I can’t imagine losing either one of them. I don’t know what I would do. This story made me ball. I’m so sorry.

  102. I almost didn’t want to comment because there are no words that I can possibly say in comfort. My heart aches for your loss. I like your quote above that one of your children is just ahead out of sight of you. I know you are looking forward to seeing her in heaven one day.

  103. Oh my word! My heart broke into pieces when I read your story about Emily. What a blessing that you got to enjoy her for the short life she had and have the assurance that she is in heaven with Jesus (and you’ll see her again). But my oh my! what a super painful experience for you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss! I will be praying for you because I know that wounds like this do not heal quickly. Thank you for sharing your story so that other Moms who may be going through the same thing can relate and be directed to a resource that can help. Blessings!!

  104. So very sorry for your loss. I came to your website to look at the sermon sheets a friend recommended, then started reading about your journey with Emily. I am teary-eyed. But, I am so thankful to see you have turned this experience into something to minister to others with. You have a powerful testimony. Thankyou for sharing.

  105. I am overwhelmed with grief as I read your story. Tears are running down my cheeks and I moaned aloud reading your pain. I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby girl. I am so, so sorry.

  106. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Your daughter was such a precious gift. God has and will continue to use her story in amazing ways. Your baby “Emily” had the same name meaning as my baby “Amalee”. They were created as beautiful “works of the Lord”.

    I couldn’t help but sob reading your story. I am not only a committed Christian but have worked for the church as a missionary for years. I still trust God and love Him with all my heart, but honestly, I am hurting because so much just doesn’t make sense. I don’t blame God, I just don’t understand.

    I had my first precious baby this year May 2011. The birth was horrible as there were many complications, but she is amazing. Our baby also turned at the last minute after prayer! It is a miracle that she and I both got through that difficult delivery as well as we did. Then, when she was 5 days old, she was diagnosed with a very serious heart condition. Literally thousands of people have prayed for our baby and for us… What a blessing that has been. Regardless, her condition just got worse. When she was 2 weeks and 1 day old, I had to call an ambulance, as my baby started screaming and turning blue (as her heart went into spasm and oxygen levels dropped significantly). She did this a dozen times over the next 9 weeks and normally had a bluish look to her several times a day, every day. She ended up undergoing emergency when she was 10 weeks old. She is now 18 weeks old and has been recovering from surgery quite well, praise God. However, they told us that her heart is in very serious condition and she will definitely need to undergo more surgery in another few months, when she is a bit bigger and stronger. Her weight has been a struggle since surgery, but I am sure that is down to her body focusing on getting better and not so much on getting bigger. As I hold her at home now, I am definitely not looking forward to returning to the nightmare of having her in hospital again… especially surgery and PICU but it looms. I have faith, but it really has been tested and challenged so much.

    In addition, whilst we were in hospital, we became friends with the parents of another baby in PICU. This baby was born healthy but ended up somehow getting some sort of crazy virus that attacked his heart. Long story short, he ended up with a full heart transplant. The new heart did really well and he was recovering… a miracle, really. Then, suddenly, his lungs took a turn for the worst and eventually his kidneys couldn’t cope either. This little baby who was so loved, wanted, and prayed for, passed away just over a week ago. Words fail with this precious family… I ache for them. My best friend also lost her baby last year… it is just getting to be a bit too much… so tragic, so scary, and really very unfair. However, regardless of the outcomes that really don’t make sense, we can see God working. I am grateful for the ways that we have seen God’s grace in the midst of this terrible rollercoaster ride.

    Thank you again for sharing of our precious baby girl. So much love xxx

  107. What a beautiful little girl Emily Sophia was. I was reduced to tears by the end of the story. Thank you so much for sharing her story.

  108. Been reading your blog for about a week, your tale reduced me to tears. She is in God’s hands. Thanks for sharing your story so honestly and I can’t imagine going through what you have been through.

  109. I am glad that you had the strength to share this story, not many people do, they just hold onto it and not talk about it and that makes it worse. I am proud of you for having the strength to talk about the tragedy. The grieving mother part of you site is great. I will be passing it along or using to help anyone I know who has lost a child. I will keep you in my prayers because the hurt from that kind of tragedy never goes away.

  110. This is one of the saddest stories I’ve ever heard… Thank you for sharing your sorrow. I have one child and have never lost a child through miscarriage or death. However, past painful family relationships make it difficult for me to openly love and give for fear of them leaving. With children, their leaving would be death. The thought paralyzes at random times and I must take my thoughts captive and remember that perfect love casts out fear. This is not of the Lord. In sharing your story you encourage me, that even in the worst of moments- the most tragic of events, the Lord and his purposes are still good. It is survivable. Life will never be the same but it is ok that it goes on. Thank you for this. May the Lord continue to bless your family.

  111. Amy,

    Thank you for sharing your story. Come March it will be 10 years since I had to place my son in a stranger’s arms. He was born with anencephaly at 27 weeks and did not take his first breath. After a week in the NICU with my first child who had bleeding on the brain at birth, then the loss of our son, pregnancy and child birth was so filled with fear for us. To this day I still feel my empty arms ache for my son. But God is good. He has blessed us in so many ways. I am the mother of 4 living children, all of which are incredibly healthy, 2 girls and 2 boys. While we may not understand the WHY, we do understand that Jesus is holding our precious children in His loving arms, and one day we will be united again.

  112. I am a stranger to you, but tears are rolling down my face as though we have been friends forever. Thank you for sharing this story. I have four children and dream of having a fifth. I believe God has asked you to do the hardest thing He could ever ask of a mother, and that is to give His present to you back.

    Thank you for showing the world how it is done. You gave your daughter back, you cried and grieved like any mother would, but now you are using your trial to give glory to our Heavenly Father.

    God bless you, Amy!

  113. I stumbled onto your blog tonight and as I read the tears just wouldn’t stop. On one had hand I cannot imagine the pain and on the other, I can. I have ten birth children on earth and four children I have miscarried. I also have three children I am in the process of adopting from Africa and one precious little boy, Solomon, who never made it home from Africa due to his death caused by malaria.

    My heart breaks for your family. Thanks for your wonderful testimony of God’s grace in your family! May God use your hurt to bring others to Him!

  114. I am sobbing as I read this story. My heart aches for you! I have come close to loosing a child and have lost two unborn babies, but the pain of what your family has endured… Praise God that He has comforted you and is continuing to use you in such a great way. I pray that He will bless you beyond your wildest imagination!

  115. Dear Amy,
    Thankyou for telling your story and Emily’s. My husband and I lost our first and only child may 17, 2011. He went to Jesus unexpectedly during the last minutes of childbirth. His name is Titus. He also weighed 10 pounds two ounces and had a head full of thick black hair. Thankyou for a godly website full of HOPE. The book of Titus says, ‘In hope of eternal life, that God who can not lie promised before the world began.” I have read non christian blogs about parents who have lost babies and have been drug deeper into despair by the hopelessness. maybe our children know each other? what I do know from the Bible is, they are the ones beholding the very face of God standing before his throne. Thankyou again for this website. Only another mother who has experienced the loss of a child can know the pain.

  116. I’ve been crying for three days now from reading this story. It touched me so deeply! Maybe it came too close to my own fears of ever loosing my little girl (who is 11 months soon).

    I also read your breastfeeding story, and it’s one of the most beautiful stories I’ve ever read! I’m so glad Emily got to share that connection with you all of her life, and have that comfort! It also kind of makes me grieve I never could nurse properly!

    Even if I never met Emily (or you!) I will remember her too!

    God bless you!

  117. What a beautiful daughter. What a painful story that made my heart ache. I cannot imagine going through what you did, but your sharing this experience will help countless people. May the days be shortened ’til an angel places your baby girl in your arms again! Even so, come Lord Jesus!

  118. ohhh amy, i appreciate your candidness, i appreciate your love, i appreciate your grace, i too cried my eyes out for you and your family, feeling your hurt…it is with all grace i say this…thank you for sharing your story. <3 <3 <3
    our God is faithful!

  119. I had a sister who passed away at 14 months, being her whole life in and out of hospitals. She died on a Christmas eve, I was watching her while my parents were having a late lunch, suddenly the look of her face changed, I called my mom, they took her to the hospital and she passed away there, Later that night I went down to the hospital and held her, and it was very difficult to let it go, I was only 14 years old. Almost 20 years later, and pregnant with my fifth child I found your story heartbreaking. I can’t stop crying for you and for my mom and for me. It brought back a lot of feelings and memories. I’ll pray for you and your family to keep your strength and your courage, so you can keep helping other grieving parents.

  120. Amy, tears run down my face as I type this – I’ve been praying for you this weekend – I can only imagine the fear you are trying to fight right now in this pregnancy almost 4 years later – I do not know what God has or why- but I am so proud of you for sharing your story to help others and I know that God loves you so much – praying protection over you & yours- with the utmost respect and love for a Christian sister- God bless!

  121. I found your site today and read your story about Emily. I can’t imagine what your whole famliy went thru and is still going thru. I pray that the Lord continues to give you comfort and peace. God Bless you all.

  122. As I sit here crying, I am so moved by your story. I will pray God’s comfort for your family and that He will hold you and your family by His mighty right hand. Thank you for sharing your story of your sweet baby girl.

  123. I really don’t know what to say. Thank you for sharing. How precious is life- every single moment. I pray for Father’s blessings to pour out on you today.

  124. God’s providence that I read this today? My son, adopted from China, is undergoing surgery to correct his malrotation next week and I am anxious. I grieve the loss of Emily with you and am grateful that you shared your story.

  125. Wow, I read you at another blog today and then I read this story about your little girl. Wow. God is amazing and works in sometimes hard to understand ways. I lost a brother at20 and I have 7 children. Every day I treasure with them. Thanks you are blessed to have known such a sweet little girl and have such sweet children to love her with you. Praying!

  126. thank you for sharing with all of us and being transparent with us all in your loss and your new life. We never know why we have gone through things, we only know that the Lord is with us every step of the way. You reminded us all that our steps are all numbered by him and we never know when he will call us home. She had a purpose and her purpose was to bless you with love even if it was for a short amount of time. please know that as people read this story-we are all forever changed! we are reminded to love one another, and to live every moment as it might be our last breathe. thank you again for sharing with me and opening up your heart to me.

  127. I had read Emily’s story before, and I went back to look at her pictures today. My 6 yr. old son walked up and said, “Is that a slideshow? I love slideshows! Can I watch?” I told him sure. He stood there, looking at the pictures with me, trying to keep up with some of the big words that were fast moving. I knew he didn’t understand. When he saw the tubes and read that she was sick he said “Awww, she’s sick.” Then when she got to go home he said, “That is so awesome Mom. It’s a happy ending. She got to go home on Christmas Eve.” I was trying to figure out what to say to him. I thought, how do I explain this to him? I simply said, “It’s not the ending yet.” When we got to the end, he saw that she was with Jesus now. He said, “I didn’t know babies could do that. She went to Jesus without her mommy and daddy?” I told him how that happened. He has asked Jesus into his heart, but I guess he hadn’t quite grasped what happens to babies. So I explained that and how all of you would be reunited again one day. His words, “See? I told you it was a happy ending.” That’s what the Bible means when they talk about child-like faith. I love getting their perspective to remind me what mine should be. Because he’s right, it is a happy ending.

    • Jennifer,
      I rarely reply to comments here anymore because it feels overwhelming at times, but I could not let this one go by. His words have made me cry and I will be passing them on to my husband as well. I wrote a post shortly after Em died called Out of the Mouths of Babes because some of the most comforting things we heard came (and still come) from the mouths of our youngest children. They truly understand the Kingdom. Thank you for sharing.

      • I’m so not good with expressing myself towards others, especially others I don’t know well. I really have a heart for people and feel their pain and identify with them, I just don’t always have the right words. So, I tend to not reply to things like this for fear of saying the wrong thing or dredging up unwanted feelings. His response was just so pure and awesome though. I knew it had to be shared. Through the eyes of a child. He is really an insightful little guy (my oldest of 4). We will be praying for your family. *hugs*

  128. You have such a strong testimony of God. There is nothing better than that to help you through loss. We are eternal and we can be together again. Look forward to when you see her again.

  129. I am so sorry for your loss. I am a mother of 3 and I wept through your post about your beautiful daughter. I walked away from reading it 3 times to weep and pray over my children and just ask God to keep my heart in the place of surrender, all for His glory. Thank you for sharing this. May all who read it see that God is Good all the time and in every circumstance. I will remember to pray for you this Christmas as you remember your beautiful daughter life (and the fullness of life she is having in heaven with her Lord). Blessings to you and much love,
    Your sister in Christ Janiene

  130. Hi Amy,
    Well I just read your story about Emily, and my heart is broken all over again. You see I too have lost not only one child, that was a little boy 25 years ago due to sids, but most recently my 15 year old teenage daughter named Sarah went to meet Jesus on October 13, 2011. She had a heart defect when she was born. She made it through her first surgery just fine, and the doctor’s were even singing Amazing Grace when it was over. But, not this time. Sarah endured a 12 hour operation, she had so much infection around her heart, she completed the surgery, but it was when the doctor went to warm her back up did she pass. The surgeon told us there was a chance this could happen. We were and still are completely devastated. It seems to much to bear sometimes. So I more than know how you feel losing your precious Emily. So sad, and sometimes I cannot understand why we are left here to go on, but the truth is, we are. I feel your pain. God bless you and your family. Cyndi

  131. Thankful for Heaven. Bless you all. Saying a prayer for you right now. This definitely puts things into perspective. Emily is just beautiful.

  132. What a beautiful girl! I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot fathom loosing a child. I am a nurse and have had to give a child who had just passed to the mother to hold and mourn. It is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I just don’t know what to say. God bless you and your family.

  133. I am so sorry for your loss. I appreciate you sharing your story and letting me into your life. I sobbed, reading your story. I am praying for your family. I know that time helps heal the wounds, but losing a child is something that no amount of time can fix. I hope for peace for you and your family.

  134. I work in a Children’s Hospital, I feel so deeply for your story and cried for your loss. May God Bless you and your angels, here on earth and with Him.

  135. I just came across your website as a link from another and read about your large family, your homeschooling materials and then clicked on the link for this story. I, too, wept as I read this. I have prayed for your family just now and will again as I think of you. Thank you for this post and the entire blog. You are a blessing.

  136. As I read your story of your precious loss, it brings back so much memories for me. I lost my beautiful babygirl Kayla (February 13, 2008), 1 day after you buried your Emily. My Kayla was born prematurely on February 13, 2008, at 425am…she lived for 12 hours and went back to our Lord at 430pm February 13, 2008. Like you and your husband my hubby and I cried and cried. The doctors in the NICU was kind enough to call us 30 minutes before she passed, they told us her lungs was underdeveloped and she had picked up and infection so her chances of making it thru the night was very slim, so they took her out of her little incumbator and allowed me to to hold her, I cuddled her as best I could (I ws in pain having done a c-section earlier) I saw her took her last breath. It pains me and my hubby’s heart to leave our precious bundle behind, the hospital head nurse made a video and took pics of her for us, I didnt want pics I wanted my babygirl. But these days am glad I did take the video and her pics, as she’s a constant presence in our lives. Our God is an awesome God, he doesnt give us more than we can handle, He looked down and saw the pain both little Emily and Kayla was in, and took them in his gentle arms. He has since blessed me and my hubby with our twin boys Kaleb and Kyle, and he has blessed you Amy, with the gift of bring ppl together thru this website so we can all grieve and share our stories! Be Blessed!


  137. Read this and cried with you.. I’m so sorry for you loss. I have one angel baby in Heaven and you’re right, you’re never the same. I’ll be praying for you & your family as the anniversary comes up.

  138. I am so glad that you know Christ… because without His Word and reassurance, it would all be just unbearable. As it is, your story and mine can have a happy ending, in spite of the tears of the past. Bless you.

  139. Stopping over from Lynnette’s Facebook page. The tears are streaming down my face. I cannot imagine what you went through. I pray the Lord will hold you close as you approach the anniversary of your precious Emmy’s going home.

  140. I’m sorry you lost your baby. I can’t imagine what you are feeling. I hope the pain eases over time, but I’m sure it will always be there. I hope you never ever have to go through anything like that again.

  141. Oh what a BEAUTIFUL baby! Praying for you and your family right now, asking God to continue to comfort and surround you. Thank you for sharing your sweet Emily’s life!

  142. I stumbled upon your blog today, and I just wanted to reach out to you on this fourth anniversary of burying your Emily to tell you that I am so sorry for your loss. May God be near to you today. May His peace consume you.

  143. Just sobbed as I read your story. I can’t imagine what this must have been like for you and your family! I’m praying for you right now.

  144. I happened to stumble upon your blog, as I am a new homeschooling mom! I saw a glimpse of a beautiful baby girl…& I read about her little, precious life…I am so, so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. I don’t know you or your family, but I have tears for all of you. I am praying for you all…she is absolutely beautiful. Thank you for your blog…

  145. Your story had me sobbing, and I’m still trying to stop the stream of tears from flowing. What a painful situation. I can only imagine what you’ve gone through. My son nearly died at 6 weeks, and I remember one particularly tough night when we thought we were going to lose him, when I just sobbed in the shower in ICU. Reading your story brought those emotions back. But mine wasn’t the real story, and yours is. I’m so, so sorry for your loss of Emmy. What a precious child!

  146. Thank you for sharing so personally. At 17 days my oldest vomited yellow…she was in a form of cardiac arrest due to SVT. Though her story has a different outcome, I know your story could be mine. Hugs and prayers…and so thankful God brings us through these horrid times.

  147. I wish I had the words to say what I feel for you. As I sit here next to my 3 month old son I feel so heartbroken and on the other hand I am refreshed in my thankfulness to God for the health and each day he gives me with my children. Thank you for sharing your story. you are in my prayers and I will not forget your courage it took to write this post. may Jesus heal your heart and wipe away your tears :) god bless

  148. This story was so touching. Sadly, I have heard a similar story since I was three years old. My mother lost my sister when she was halfway through her fifth year. My sister, Amanda, was a very sick little girl and spent a lot of time in the hospital. My mother said the hardest thing she has ever done in her life was to walk out of the hospitial with only a suitcase. For years after she died, my mom would go to the suitcase (that stayed beside her bed) and take out all of the things that remained of my sister, very quickly and close the suitcase. When she was finished looking at the toys, little socks, night gowns, some pictures, and blanket, she would open the case and even quicker than the last time, rush the things back in. Once I asked her why she did this so quickly, she replied “I don’t want to loose her smell.” It has been 25 years since my big sister died. My daughter wore the sleeper that was in the suitcase. She doesn’t open the suitcase as much and the smell is almost gone. She can talk about her much more without crying but like you, she will never be the same. She says that somedays she smiles when she thinks of Amanda and when she talks to God about her. But other times, she wakes up and it feels like the first day without her and she is sure that she can not bare the hurt one more day. When my mom leaves this earth, I will be utterly and completely heartbroken but I will rejoice at the fact that her little girl will be waiting to usher her into heavens gates, as will your little girl. God Bless you today and for all of the days of your life.

  149. Cannot seem to find the right words. We are so frail and I appreciate you sharing your story and Emily’s with us, it has put things in perspective for me again. I know that may seem small but thank you.

  150. Sobbed my eyes out. I’m 7 weeks out from my due date w/our fifth. I don’t usually read these stories since my heart doesn’t handle it well. Your story reminds me to be so grateful for my children and to love them and strive to be a better godly mom.

  151. I’m not even sure how I stumbled onto our blog, except for that God must have led me here. Your story brings painful tears as I remembermy baby girl Brooke who went to Jesus Feb 8,2006. You speak so beautifully about your experience and I know the words I’m sorry just sound empty. I read her story and at th end you say that you will never be the same….you are so right. We have since had another child and she has brought so much joy to such a dark place, but someone is always missing…..it’s just never quite right. It has been a long time since I’ve allowed myself to grieve hard for her. Thank you for reminding me its ok to still grieve, I will never stop grieving her, even as I type this the tears are pouring. Thank you for being courageous enough to share her story with the world. May you always feel the Lord near

  152. I read your story this morning and cant even imagine how you have coped and sirvived such a tragidy. My heart is breaking for you and your family. I lost a brother at 7 weeks old when I was 19, and have never fully recovered from it. It has effected my own parenting as I seem unable to ever really be at peace when they are sleeping, pinching them awake to make sure they are still living, watching them breath and feeling for their breath when Its too dark to see their chest rise and fall. I am not sure how your family has done it, but I admire you so much. cant even imagine

  153. Thank you so much for sharing this post! My heart grieves with you. As a mother of six little ones here with us and three in heaven and an aunt who held her niece in her arms in a NICU shortly before she went home to be with Jesus, I understand some of the pain that you have gone through. May our Heavenly Father fill you with his peace and joy.

  154. I have a son that would be about 5 months younger than Emily. I can’t fathom what that must have been like for you as a mother. I think the strength that it took for you to tell the story is amazing and surely by God’s divine hand. I pray for your family and for you as a mother. I also pray for other mothers to see this and read your story with an open heart and remember how precious their babies are, even when they may seem bothersome. May God bless you today and always.

  155. I cried. Emily’s story is heartbreaking, and I’m so sorry for your loss. How wonderful that you’ll be reunited again one day. I’ll be there to join in the fun.



  156. I was given your link by a friend who has a grief ministry for infant loss at our church. You wrote a beautiful story of your precious Emily. I wish I would have done the same. My daughter was not an infant when we lost her unexpectedly, but she had three precious children of her own, 2, 5 &7. My heart screamed and ached as did yours. Walking away from her lying on the hospital bed was excruciating. For God to take our daughter was one thing— but the call Home the mother of three precious children who needed her, was another. Does not matter the age of our child, whether 3 months and never held in our arms, full term, but not breathing; 3 months old or 5 years, or 35 or 53–we ache over their passing. And yes, we will never be the same.
    Both she, and her sister, like you were/ are Home schooling moms. As a result of her loss, we are now facilitators for a GriefShare group at our church, ministering to other aching hearts. ( http://www.griefshare.org ). I’m sharing your site with my daughter who loves being a Homeschooling Mom of a large family.
    Blessings to you —

  157. I am hurting so much for you right now. I am so so very sorry for what you have suffered through. I don’t understand why God let’s these things happen to our littlest ones and to beautiful, loving parents. I mean… I do understand on a theological level, but really – I just don’t. You are a beautiful mother. And you have a very beautiful little girl. I’m so sorry.

  158. I’ve sat here crying and sobbing for your loss. I came to your blog for help with hand-me-down management and now a sense of perspective of the moments that we have and how few they are. Praying that you continue to feel His presence and love through your loss. I have lost one baby, a very early miscarriage. I thought I was going to die. I cannot even imagine what ache resonated in your whole being. Bless you.

  159. I just started reading your blog and came across this story. I read the entire post through tears and felt your grief as I too have lost a child. Thank you so much for telling your story and I pray God has healed the hurt in your heart from loosing your precious girl. She is absolutely beautiful and I know she is in heaven in our Father’s lap.

  160. My deepest heartfelt sympathy. No one knows until it happens to them. Losing your baby is the unthinkable. Only loving heavenly parents can relate to hoe this feels, as they gave their only begotten son. We must lean onto them for our strength for the sake of our other children and our posterity. God bless you.

  161. I am trying so hard not to bawl right now! My heart made those screams of pain, when I was told I would lose our son (after already miscarrying our first son) and that there was a good chance I would die as well and leave behind my husband and two girls. Praise the Lord they where wrong and God saved my son and I. He allowed him to stay in my womb just long enough to have a fighting chance to survive. As I write this I am sitting in the hospital celebrating his 8 month “birthday.” He celebrated it having 3 surgeries. :) We also lost our little at 3years. Some days it’s bearable, other days the pain feels like it will swallow me up. But God is merciful and loving and gives us the strength to keep on living. :)

  162. Tears are flowing down my face. I think God led me to your blog today. My husband and I are going through a terrible time right now and I’m so depressed. I have not given my little boy the attention he deserves. Thank you for reminding me how precious our time with our children are. You will never know how much this entry has touched my heart to keep going one. Thank you!

  163. I just saw your posting looking through my homeschool “Mom Blogs”. My daughter lost her second child on March 6th, the first was a misscairage after two months. Hailey Grace was 4 months early. It was the worst experience to have to deal with. My son is 12 (this was just 6 days before his birthday) and we both sat and cried and held her and my daughter and her husband. I thank God that I was able to spend the next six weeks at her house just to be there for her. Words can not come close to helping with this situation. I am so glad that you were able to write about it.

  164. I have a 5 month old and I could not imagine going through what you have gone through. My heart breaks for you! Thank you so much for be willing to share such a difficult memory. I bet you think of your precious girl every day. God Bless!

  165. Emily is just beautiful. I read your story and I’m weeping as I can only imagine the pain. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m at a loss for words. I’m so grateful your a christian, and only he can really comfort us.

  166. I am thankful you know Jesus…. I cant imagine.. I just cant. My heart aches for you and your family. I pray the Lord has taken the sting out of death for you. Your a beautiful mom… beautifully gifted mom. I came to your site for homeschool encouragment as I am embarking on this new adventure this fall.. and feeling alot of doubt and kinda sorry for myself that God called me to do this… but reading this.. I feel foolish. Children are gift… your life story helped me see I have it easy… To endure what you have… losing your baby girl… going on for the sake of your family…I am in awe.. and so blessed to know..you know Jesus. He is the healer.. above all He HEALS. Bless you.. big blessings onya.

  167. Tears rolled down m face as I read the story of Emily. I haven’t lost a child but I have gone through the death of my whole family, one by one. God bless you and your strength to tell your story. A precious life now being held in the arms of the Lord.

  168. Praying for you and your family as sweet Emmys birthday is soon approaching. May the comforting arms of our Father hold you ever so close. (((hugs)))

  169. ya i got a two year old that almost died three times and thats alot that you and your husband went through. we took our son to u of m childrens hospital here in michigan and they addmitted him for falure to thrive they couldnt figure out why he wouldnt gain. He had a malrotated colon for over a year and the doctors kept saying it would fix its self. than he was on his death bed so they did explortary surgery and found the dead colon. They removed that he had a bag for three months than back in for more surgery. They tell us that it wasnt the malrotated colon that died and than the doctor said he never had that but yet its here with us in his medical records.i have never lost a baby but came very close and its very hard and i know life would never be the same again. Im so sorry if you can write me back i got some more questions about the colon bit everyone is telling my husband and i to sue the hospital i have been researching everything.

    thanks for listening and
    God bless yous,
    April Cordova

  170. What a precious little one. Thank you for sharing your story, I’m grieving with you for all of us who’ve loved and lost. It’s such a cruel world, I don’t understand how an unbeliever could suffer it. Oh, what reunions there will be in Heaven! Hugs to you and your family.

  171. Dear Amy,

    Parts of your story are very familiar….We too had to bury a child. Our only son, 38 weeks gestation. It was the hardest thing we’ve ever been through. I know what it feels like not wanting to give them up, just wanting to hold him a little longer. Every time i go to the cemetery, i don’t want to leave because i feel like i’m leaving my child behind. I am so thankful for Heaven. He cannot come back to me, but I can go to him. I am so thankful for pictures too. It’s something of him that i do get to take care of….

    Love and Prayers

  172. Amy, as I read this story I am amazed by you. You wrote it with such grace and beauty… your precious girl will never be forgotten. You have (with God’s grace and love) survived the pain and now others can look to you for encouragement and hope as well.

    God bless your sweet family.

    We had dear friends go through the loss of a child (she was 6) just a few months ago and the agony and pain on their faces will never leave me. I imagine Emily and Ellie are together now in an alltogether PERFECT place!

  173. I am so so sorry for your loss!! I am also thankful that you have God, I don’t know how people can go through things so heartwrenchingly difficult in life without Him. Your story deeply touched my heart & I was in tears reading it. May Gods strength be made perfect in your weakness & help you each day. It must have been so hard to write your experience, thank u for sharing your sweet precious daughter with us!! How joyful she is right now in the loving arms of Jesus!

    • I was trying to decide, through my tears, what to write that would even be coherent. After reading this post, I decided it was exactly what I wanted to say and I couldn’t add anything anyway. Thank you, Anita, for letting me echo your sentiments, even though you don’t know me. : ) My heart goes out to you and your family, Amy.

  174. Thank you so much for sharing your story, it is heartbreaking. May you find comfort in the sovereignty of our Lord Jesus Christ. In Christ, Mrs.Lawrence Myers

  175. I am very grateful you wrote about this. I am sending it to a still-grieving friend. I am praying for your complete healing. A friend of my daughter’s was in deep mental distress; she went to talk to her pastor, and found that a funeral was in progress at the church, for a five-week old baby. Suddenly she was able to thank God for her four small children, healthy and home-schooled. I told my daughter, “This was the first heavenly intercession of that little baby; I know our loved ones pray for us when they go on to be with the Lord.” My daughter is very close to having her sixth child, a girl. We are in communion with you in spirit. Blesslngs to you, in our Lord Jesus Christ.

  176. Hi there, I am sitting here, tears streaming down my face as I read Emmy’s story. I can relate to so much of Emmy’s last moments with you. I too lost a child, my son aged 5 months and 9 days back in 2009. He too is with Jesus which is a real big comfort to us. Leaving his lifeless body was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. We were so blessed though, that the nurse caring for us was also a Christian lady. She had prayed with me on numerous occasions. I left my little Luke in her arms. I think it was only my faith that gave me the ability to walk back to our car that day without him. I’m so sorry you are separated from Emmy right now, but am excited that one day we will be reunited again.. and you will never need be parted ever again . Much love to you

  177. This was so hard to read, so I can’t even imagine going through it. I have never lost a child (I have two – a boy and a girl)…I think I read it in part to help me understand loss and how to be there better for a grieving friend…and in part because I am a mother and you took the time to post this and so I felt to honor Emmy, the least I could do was read this unexpected post I encountered. But I wanted you to know, even though I didn’t lose a child – this impacts me deeply and makes me even more determined to fiercely love the 20 year old daughter I have…there are no “gimmees” in life – and this is a reminder. The memory of Emmy will stay with me…that could just as easily have been my daughter. While I know that Emmy is with Jesus, I will be grateful and graceful with the time I have been given while here on this Earth. Your strength is amazing…thanks for sharing Emmy with us.

  178. I have tears streaming down my face right now. I hurt for you as a mother. Thank you for sharing your story. I thank God for the precious hope he gives.

  179. I am so sorry to hear this story and I cried and cried as I read it. My twin sister lost her first son when he turned 8 weeks old. He was born just a week before my second daughter, and they were our “twins” We were so excited to have them so close together and had so many hopes and dreams for our little twins. He passed away suddenly at 8 weeks while she was nursing him.
    Reading this brought back so many memories of the pain she went through, and how our family slowly slowly turned to God in our loss. It was a tough time for all of us. I pray for you and your family as you heal from the loss of your precious little girl. I thank you for sharing your story and your grief, as it does not go unnoticed. It is a comfort to know that your faith is what holds you together in the face of such a life shattering moment.

    Love and Prayers,

  180. I’m so very sorry. Thank you for telling the story of Emily’s life and death. Yes, she is with Jesus, but it still hurts. Life is fragile, and death is strange. I don’t really understand it, though every time someone that I love dies I try. One day everything will be made clear, and you will see your sweet Emily again. We will all be reunited with those who’ve gone before us. What a glorious day that will be.

  181. So sorry for your loss. I have never lost a child, I have 3, but I have watched for 8 months as cancer took my best friend, my mom, from me. I could not imagine losing a child but Thankfully you had God on your side walking with you through this difficult time. Thanks for sharing your story with everyone. I said a prayer for you because while time helps heal the pain I know it doesnt easily go away. May God continue to help you and your family.

  182. I have never read a story so close and accurate to the way I felt when my 6 month old son passed away in my arms in March 5th 2005. What an amazing testimony . Thank you for sharing.Love and Prayers

  183. Several years ago one of our twin boys passed away right before delivery
    An emergency c-section helped prevent the other boy from also passing away.
    It was devastating and heartbreaking to only bring home one of our sons
    And never get to see the other boy grow up and experience twins outside
    The womb. But we have an incredible church fellowship and God put
    People into our lives who had faced similar heartache and were able to
    Speak truth, cry with us and help us wrestle through the next several months
    As we questioned everything that happened and why. About a year later
    As I was praying for someone who had lost a teenage daughter in a terrible
    Car accident I wrote a song about what we had gone through. It is called,
    “looking back down the road” (you can download it for free off our church website: nocompromisemusic.org.) I can look back and see God’s faithfulness to us and how
    He used such heartache and sorrow to draw us closer to Him and put eternity
    In our hearts. There is nothing I have experienced that is as hard as losing
    A child but death is part of this fallen nature and it happens everywhere
    All the time and only when we see Him face to face will there be no more
    Tears and sorrow. It took a long time to really come to the place of letting go of the thoughts That if only I had done a better job, if only I hadn’t… If only I had… And know that It didnt depend on me! It wasn’t God’s judgement on me. If that was
    The case I wouldnt be here at all. I deserve nothing but the sun shines on the
    Just and unjust and the rain falls on the righteous and unrighteousness.
    But God causes all things to work together for the good of those who love Him!
    And only He can take my sadness and turn it into oil of gladness! Our surviving twin is
    Now 7 and we are about to have our 6th baby! And all the while I have to rely on God and his mercy and grace and His faithfulness to each of our kids because I fail everyday and will never be the perfect mom no matter how hard I try. Yet, He is faithful to teach us and draw us closer to Himself to be more and more like Jesus.
    Many blessings to you!

  184. I have just read your story of precious Emmy who is with Jesus now. My husband and I lost our two oldest sons, nine years apart due to freak accidents. We know in our hearts that our boys are with Jesus and we will see them someday. One of our sons left us two beautiful grandchildren and from them we have five wonderful great-grandchildren.

    Our lives changed and our hearts still feel sorrow but out faith holds us together on those days that it is hard to deal with our memories.

    Good Bless you and your family.

  185. I can’t not begin to express my sorrow upon reading your story. Tears ran down my face the more I read. But the only thing that I can say is that my heart is full with the knowledge that your family believes in the Lord, and that one day, you will look into the face of your daughter, and be thrilled at the sight of her healed, as you all bow down to worship our Lord. Blessing to your entire family, and may your grief ease over time. Peace upon your hearts.

  186. I came across your blog because I googled how to make your home a peaceful place. Thank you for having the courage to share your heartbreaking story. I sat here in tears reading this. I’m so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter.

  187. My heart is with you after reading your story of losing your baby. You will be with her in heaven. It’s hard to go on and pretend like it never happened since that is what people expect isn’t it. All we can do is keep saying “Jesus I love you” even though we don’t understand, our hearts are broken, part of us is dead, part of us is not here anymore. Go to God… I don’t know what religion you are, but if your’re catholic try to make visits to the church and just sit in His presence. It’s been almost 2 years since I lost my baby and I still cry in church almost every time I go. I don’t know what to say. I just keep saying “I love you Jesus” because I’m afraid I will be angry at times when I know I can’t. I have 4 kiddos… boy 9, 3 girls ages 7,6,4… last baby born at 29 weeks, down syndrome, no esophogus, no stomach that they could find. He lived a cruel abused life for 4 weeks at the hospital, I wasn’t allowed to touch him or hold him.. that was brutal. You’re baby was so much older.. .I can’t imagine… God be with you to wipe away your tears.. You’ll have them until you’re with him I’m sure. I truly feel as though I’m slipping away since my little Augie’s death. My health is going in so many ways. I homeschool my 4 kids.. I know it’s the best thing and I love it but gosh I just wish I had a shoulder to cry on. I can’t cry infront of the children, that would be too hard on them.. My husband travels for a living… I feel so far away from him since my son died. I wish you lived closer. I’d be there for you girl. I will be your sister in Christ and pray for you daily. Another thing I never really understood is how alone I felt after the death… It’s as if my friends scattered, which I’m sure they would’ve done anyway if the baby had lived since he had problems. I just wish I had just one friend in my life. I try to reach out to people and be kind and have them over on occasion but I guess I’m simple, stupid, ugly, fat and boring and it just doesn’t work… The docs say my thryoid has just about stopped working, I have several lumps on my thyroid they are checking for cancer, the list goes on…. I tell no one since I don’t want to complain. I guess I’ll just keep going to God. The scarry thing is, I just want to die and be with my child… I know you want to be with your angel too… How do we go on with a smile, how do we live without them? Why…why..no, “I love you Jesus” I never, never stop wandering what my child is like in heaven, what they feel, all of that… Have you had any dreams about your baby letting you know she is happy in heaven now? I haven’t. God be with you my friend of the cross. See you in heaven and your precious angel…. I look forward to holding her. Tara

    • Cindy, you are never alone. Christ loves you and your children love you. Your husband loves you. Please let that be enough. You can friend me on facebook and we can share each other’s life, because we are sister’s in Christ.

  188. Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your loss. Telling you that she is in a better place, doesn’t seem like enough. I wept as I read Emily’s story. You and your family will be in my prayers. Praise God that we will be restored one day and weep no more.

  189. Dear Amy,
    I just happen to come on your sight and saw the Grieving Mother book. I also am grieving the precious loss of a daughter. Her name was Amy, which I hadn’t noticed at first that it was your name also. Amy and her 4 siblings were in a major car accident on Feb. 14th, 2012. She was instantly transported to the arms of her Savior. She was 15 years old. We had her funeral on the 25th due to hospitalization of the other children. I understand the fog, numbness, shock, etc. I think in my case it is how God helped me to deal with the seriousness of all the medical issues facing us that night and time to come. I was able to concentrate and talk with the doctors because I knew Amy was safe in the arms of Jesus. No need to worry about her then. The other children are well now for which I am extremely grateful; but tears flow much easier now that the fog is gone. I trust that God has plans and He continues to comfort and uplift me. To God Be the Glory in the midst of trials…
    In His care,

  190. Dear Mother of so many

    My mother lost a child too, when I was ten. It has haunted me all the way into adulthood. I am not a believer, but I leave room in my universe for Gods I do not yet know.

    I pray that your God cares for you and carries you. I cried when I read this post. You are such an inspiration. Your tips on keeping a healthy home has given me hope and helped me feel there is a way forward.

    Thank you.


    • Christel,
      I will pray for you and that you will learn to know God. I’m no missionary but my heart truly breaks for those who are lost and wandering. I can’t imagine living life without Him. Love and God’s blessings to you….

  191. I have had to release two of my children to death. A nineteen year old son and a thirty-six year old daughter.
    I have learned that you never get over a loss like this, you just learn to live with it.
    I also know in my deepest being, they did not truly belong to me ,but to God.
    I know he is a good, loving, merciful God and so much more.
    I can praise him with my entire being.

  192. My heart breaks for you and your family. My first son was born in Sept 2005 with gastroschesis. They repaired that at birth but on his first birthday he got sick, I guess I was just a paranoid mom so I took him to the er. While there they rushed him back for exploratory surgery. I remember everything being a blurr. My husband was deployed at the time and we were stationed in guam, I was very alone and trapped. They had no pediatric surgeons on the island. I felt helpless. The chaplain came and I remember I lost it when they asked me if Eli would be an organ donor. I just kept thinking, ” this is not happening.” I felt like time had stopped. The surgeon came out to tell me that ” Eli had a malrotated bowell caused from scar tissue that had formed from his previous gastroschesis repair surgery. His bowell was black and had died. My heart was starting to sink, I didn’t know exactly what they were telling me but I knew it was life changing. I knew all I could do was cry out to my heavenly father for strength. Eli had 2/3 of his large intestine removed, then he and I and a medical team were med evaced off Guam and flown to Hawaii. I was told by the medical crew that Eli was not expected to make it through the 6 hour flight, but the lord had other plans. When we arrived in Hawaii Eli’s remaining bowell was repaired. My husband was flown into Hawaii to meet us, by the red cross. I felt like I could breath again.
    Today my son is 7 he is a healthy, stubborn little boy. He is a walking, talking miracle. You would never even know what he has been through unless he pulls his shirt up to show off his ” railroad tracks.” When I read your story tonight I bawled, I bawled writing this comment. Your story has helped remind me of all the joys he has brought to our life and not to take any of it for granted. I am thankful for his precious life everyday and everytime I kiss him and tell him how much I love him I will think off your precious little angel as well. Your strength is amazing! God bless.

  193. I stumbled on your site by accident and am touched at your willingness to share Emily’s story. I have not written yet about my loss on March 11, 2007. I was carrying identical twin boys, William and Andrew, and had a beautiful pregnancy until month 7. They were stillborn at the beginning of our 7th month. What you wrote hit home. Handing over my boys was one of the hardest parts… It felt so strange and empty. I identify with your pain.
    God has blessed me with three more children, and I feel blessed every day that I have the privilege of raising them.
    God bless you,

  194. Amy,
    I like many of the women here accidentally stumbled on here…I was looking up home school info…being overwhelmed by heavy burdens the state puts on our shoulders. Thank you for sharing your heart with all of us, and putting your emotions and memories down, it must be difficult..I can’t imagine. I don’t know what you go through on a daily basis, but I wanted to thank you for sharing that grief with me. We carry these burdens together, although apart. And I will think of you, and pray for strength to carry you and your family, and an amazing amount of peace and joy. I also realize that we are nearing the Anniversary of Emily’s passing…And I will trust the Lord to give you a new mercy and a new song in your heart. Tears stream down my face, but our days will once again be turned to joy. Life here on earth, begins with death as a result of the fall. Each heart beating a gift, each breath He gives us is a gift. Each child hand’s we hold is a special moment, and even the elders praise the Lord with each breath. I know I should not be amazed when life is seemingly shortened to us, however, it is the gift of God that extends our life here on earth-and to that we should all be amazed. Life is full of sorrow, although not with losing a dear little one, other pains overwhelm and plague us all. We must choose life for ourselves, each day a gift, a special bright and new day to bless and cherish those around us. Bless you sister, may your joy be full, your needs be met, your heart be healed and your memories be sweet.

  195. Bless your heart. I don’t have many words, yet I feel compelled to write. This time of year must be so hard for you. I’m just so sorry you had to go through this. Thank you for sharing your story. Someday you two shall be reunited.

  196. I can only imagine the pain you felt/feel around this time. I recently had a child stop breathing because of some viruses and it was the scariest night of my life…i know that doesn’t even compare to your scary day, but i thank you for sharing this story with us.
    God knows everything and what your story can do for someone who might be struggling with grief.
    thank u again and God bless!

  197. My daughter was 4 days old when she died from malrotation. Her small intestine was black, dead, and twisted as well… it was four days and four surgery’s..then she passed. Reading your story I am heartbroken and amazed at how similar they are in the worst ways. Just like you I thought that my baby would be fine, that they’d just fix her intestine and we’d go on with our beautiful 9lb little girl and her two older brothers, but somehow, some awful way, that wasn’t to be. Everything you say is so true, and as I read about your Emily I remeber my Brooklynn and feel every word you say knowing they’re beyond true and the pain is beyond comfort. I had my tubes tied when Brooklynn was born because she was our third child and I ignorantly thought that was enough, I believe that was my biggest mistake yet. God Bless you and please feel free to email me anytime. Maybe our angels know each other?

  198. This is soooo very sad. I had to take a break from reading it because I was starting to cry. Oh my, bless you and your strenght. I cant imagin how you even wrote this. God is great!

  199. Oh how my heart aches for your loss…. I am right. there. with. you. We lost our 1st and only biological child – June 24th, 2005. Naomi Joy was only 10 days old. She was born 4 months early. Her story is a bittersweet story… I love to tell. It keeps her alive for me. ….God’s comfort is the only way I could get through it all…. and my husband’s support and love. And MANY prayers from MANY friends, family and prayer warriors I am sure I will never know of. ….You never ‘get over a loss’ but learn to live with it everyday. …It’s so odd how the smallest thing will suddenly trigger something that will set you off to crying/ feeling the pain. I feel an instant bond to other moms who have lost- wish that I could sit and chat over tea with you. When I think of my Naomi I will try to remember to pray for you as you think of your dear sweet Emily. Thanks for sharing her story! :-)

  200. I too wept as I read Emily’s story. Tears are part of the healing so I welcome them. We have 7 children but our 5th child and 1st son went to be with the Lord right before Thanksgiving 2010. He had a rare autoimmune blood disease that took him very suddenly. He was a healthy athlete, loving son, great friend to all– but in less than a week all organs were failing. The hardest part was calling his siblings in to say good-bye to him. Our family is forever changed and wounded. My hope is that God will redeem these wounds in the time we have left on this earth. I miss him so much but do have hope in the Resurrection. The past 2+ years have been full of such pain, but I am adjusting and more hopeful. Since then I lost both of my parents but that was nothing compared to the loss of my child. The fellowship with others who understand is helpful, which is why I read these posts when a facebook post on something else led me here…

  201. I found your blog through a friend’s Facebook share of your “me time” post. As I read through it I noticed the photo of your daughter on the side and clicked on her picture and read her story. I couldn’t get through it without crying my eyes out! I cannot imagine the loss of a child and it just so happens that my 3rd child Gabriella was born on July 14th and will be 7 months old in a few days on Feb 14th the day you buried your precious Emily Sofia. To even think about losing her is just unimaginable…..the pain, the sorrow. You are such a strong woman though and I pray that on this anniversary of your daughter’s passing that you will find some comfort in God as you remember your little girl. Many blessings to you and your family.

    In the peace of Christ,

  202. Thank you Amy for sharing your heart about your sweet Emily. She is absolutely beautiful! Her picture reminds me of our little adopted Anna. She was two when we brought her home, but she looked very similar to the picture above of your precious baby. Your story just reminded me to love our children each day. Thank you for that and your honesty. The Lord keeps reminding me to look at our adopted children’s successes and not their failures. As a mom you want so much for your children. Your story is a fresh reminder to do as the Lord says. Blessings to you and yours…tjmc

  203. Wow, what a powerful story. A much needed reminder not to take for granted our healthy children. I can’t imagine what that must have been like. Thank you for sharing your heart so openly.

  204. Thank you for sharing this story. I can’t imagine the pain and struggle this has been in your family. But I want you to know that the Lord is using it. I sit here struggling with the daily “frustrations” of raising my children and I know that God is using your blog to change my perspective. I sit here crying over my reactions to my children. I pray the Lord will help me to be thankful. I pray that the Lord will help me to as you have said “Rather than seeing their behavior as foolishness that needed my gentle guidance and correction, I began to take personal offense to what they did.” Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing with us.

  205. Amy,
    Sharing Emily’s story was a very brave thing to do. I have beautiful 22 month old twins (boy and girl) . My son had several health problems his first few months of life and fighting the medical establishment to get him diagnosed and treated was mind-numbing. Nothing is worse than being told there is nothing wrong with your child when you know there is. I was terrified he would die. Thankfully, he is now happy and healthly. The true testimony to God’s mercy is not that my son is healed, but the comfort and peace God provided during our season of trial. I pray that God always blesses you during your season of trial!

    • Well I don’t believe in coincidences and this is the first time I am visiting your blog. Feb 14, 2004, my cousin and his wife buried their first born who lived 2 months. October 20th, 2004 my husband and I had our first child-Robert -born still full term. The tears that are streaming down my face right now come from recalling the feeling of placing our baby in the bassinet and watching him be wheeled out of the room by a stranger-like you recall about your dear Emily.

      Like you, I too will never be the same after experiencing Robert’s life and death.

      Hugs, blessings and prayers to you all.

  206. Thank-you for sharing your story! She is very beautiful! I hope it gives you some comfort knowing that she is with Jesus and will never experience anymore pain, tears, or suffering. She is more than happy and waiting for the day to be reunited with you again! I can’t imagine how you are feeling! And I know you will never be the same! But there is hope and there is healing for those who put their hope in Jesus Christ. My prayers and love go out to you and your family! May God Bless you and encourage you!

  207. Sometimes, even as Christians, there are times when we wonder, really wonder if all this stuff about heaven is real. I know that, when my Dad died, I almost died myself from grief, and I spent two years crying out to God, asking Him to validate my existence, make His presence and heaven real to me. My family was not enough for me to want to live, because I knew that, someday, my kids would experience pain and eventually death, like everyone else, and the thought of it nearly killed me. And, yet, there was so much order, intricacy and seeming purpose in the natural world around me that I felt there really had to be intention behind all life. After two years of suffering, I saw it – I saw heaven, I heard heaven. It was so brief, but I heard music like all the worship songs in heaven and earth all at once. It may sound strange, but the music sounded like a beautiful rainbow (no, I am not on drugs ;o)). I would much rather be there than here, but I know that those of us who are still here have jobs to do for the Lord, and it fills me with joy each morning that I am still here, as I know that, as I live my life for the Lord, loving those around me in His name and sharing the good news of salvation through Him, that every bit of work we do for Him here brings us that much closer to that day when Jesus says, “Well done, my children. Enter into your rest.” God is eternal and Emily is with Him there, without the constraint of time. Your spirit is forever with Him. When you lift your voice and heart in praise to God, your voice joins Emily’s and everyone else who is blessed enough to be directly in His presence. Nothing is separating your heart from hers or the heart of the One Who took such great delight in creating both of you. May your heart be filled with His love and the confidence that you and your baby girl are His.

  208. What a hard story to share, but I was touched by the hope that she is with Jesus…I am a believer as well, and even though we have been through some tough trials, we have never lost a child, so I cannot imagine your pain and all that you have walked through.
    May God’s richest grace continue to strengthen you.
    Thanks for sharing your story. I pray that many other grieving woman will read this and be able to receive comfort from our Heavenly Father as well.

  209. As I sit and read this article of your sweet Emily’s home going, I have to say I am in awe at how God has led me to your face book page and then to this blog. Why I say that is because on Feb 1st of this year 2013 we said goodbye to our sweet grand daughter Emily, who lived for 16 days…..We ( the grandparents lost a little angel named Melodie almost 14 yrs ago so we know the grief they are going through). Today as I talked to my sweet daughter Krystal (the Momma of Emily) she is LONESOME….sob…sob…if I could take away the pain my daughter and family are going through I would. But this I do know that God’s plan is perfect and they will get through by the grace of God. Just felt like I had to share this with you. And yes with the loss of your Sweet Emmy you will never be the same….it will get easier but you will always have a part of your heart missing.

  210. I have just read this and had to compose myself to comment. What an absolute tragedy you and your family have experienced. I know a stranger saying they are sorry means so very little, I wish there were more comfort i could offer. I just cannot imagine the strength it would have to take to get through something like that. You are absolutely right in that your beautiful child is with Jesus. Don’t you ever doubt that! You will see her again … happy and healthy. Try to cherish the good memories you have of her and take comfort in HIM. He is able to provide peace where there is none. My heart goes out to you from one mother to another and I will absolutely be praying for you.

  211. In Christ alone in whom all our hope is found. You WILL see Emily again and when that time comes you will never be separated again. Death, pain and suffering will be swallowed up for all eternity. Hugs to you and yours. I know its not easy though I have not experiened the same loss but I do know that God cares, He loves you and Emily too and that He comforts and heals and that nothing is out of His control. He is Sovereign and everything, the good and bad has an eternal purpose.

  212. My heart aches for your loss eventhough I do not know you, I can feel and understand your pain and have cried tears for you and your family today as I am also greving , not over a child, but over the loss of both my grandparents. May Jesus continue to wrap his loving arms around you and your family. I will pray for your family.

  213. I ran across your post and am still crying. I can understand some of your pain. I know what it’s like to loose a child , but not one I have known, nursed and held. I lost my babies before their birth, I was 4months in pregnancy. I didn’t even know I was expecting multiples until I was miscarrying them, that’s when I learned they had already died. I almost died myself during the miscarriage, but I can remember the nurses just wadding the papers and towels up and throwing them in the trash, at that time I didn’t realize my babies were also in those towels. We didn’t know that, until it was too late to do anything about it. No one ever asked us if we wanted to bury them or anything. I never got to hold them or even know if they were boys or girls. My heart still aches over the loss and I think of them daily, it’s been over 8 years now. My heart goes out to you and I just wanted to send you a big hug and say, there is coming a great reunion day for a lot of us mommies. God Bless

  214. I came across this– by searching in the tool bar “Bath time schedules” just to try and get an idea of some routine for our house. Then I came across Emily’s story. With my 2 year old bouncing off the walls– and my sanity in question. This story brought me back to when she was an infant, she dealt with many health issues. Many moments I can relate to. My Nellie has beaten the odds time and again. But when I saw the date you buried your baby, I thought you may enjoy hearing that this past February 14th, I underwent a risky surgery. I had been sick for a long time, and the success rate was about 65%. I consider February 14th my new birthday, as it was the day I was given a second chance at life.

  215. what a heart wrenching story! Ihave lost 3 children when they were 5 months old. I had 10 children in all. But the pain is still fresh and new

  216. I cried for you as I read your story. I cried because I have walked this road, where you have to walk out and leave your child after they pass. I lost my 14 year old son, January 23, 2009. He accidently hung himself playing the choking game (educate yourself if you don’t know what this is)
    I understand what it means to never be the same again.

    (((hugs and blessings to your family)))

  217. May God bless you and keep you, and you family, trough the years to come as you remember precious Emily Sofia. Thank you for sharing this heart braking story.
    Lord is the one we bolong to, He is the one who helps us to wake up each morning and stay strong until the day He will forever wipe away tears from our eyes and take our pain away.
    My prayers are with you

  218. I’m very sorry for your loss, Amy. I too trust that thru the mercy of God one day our family will be reunited again. God bless you

  219. You have lived through every mother’s nightmare.
    May Jesus wrap His arms around you and be your family’s comfort and strength.
    I look forward to meeting your Emily Sofia one day.
    Thank you for sharing her story.
    May God bless you.

  220. I just read your Emily’s story. A week ago tonight I laid my 3 1/2 month old down for an evening nap and a half hour later he wasn’t breathing. We did everything…CPR, ER trip, Intubation. They think it’s SIDS.
    How long does this agony of emptiness last?! He was my fifth child, all boys. I know we have the assurance of heaven and for that I am truly grateful. But I also know I must live and continue to parent my other 4.
    Any thoughts from one who has traveled before me?

    • I am so sorry to hear about your little boy. I also lost a baby boy and understand how hard it is to let him go. It has been ten months now and the pain is still so intense, but, as others say, I am learning to live with the pain. I will pray for you to find answers. Parenting my other children has been the only thing that keeps me going – that and the grace of God. Although, it is still so hard to pray. I just pray as much as I feel I can at a time and then I figure that God understands. I know this was a few months ago, but I hope you see this message. God bless you. Jenny

  221. Thank you so much for sharing such a painful presonal story with us. It truely touch my heart as I sat here with the tears falling, You are truley and inspiration. Love and Prayers to you as you contine your journey through this life.

  222. Oh how my heart aches for you and your husband! I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to watch your child suffer. I’ve never experienced the loss of a child, but I’ve been told it’s the toughest thing anyone can endure. I would like to thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  223. As a mother, I am sitting here in a sobbing mess. I can’t even imagine loosing my little girl. May God continue to give you the strength to press on! Blessings to you and your family!

  224. I found your page by accident, and while reading your story, as you were relating all the symptoms your baby had I already knew what you were going to say, our youngest child (our 4th) was born March 27 2008, the first 8 months of his life was spent with me telling his DR that something was wrong with my baby, they kept saying it was “normal”, it was “allergies” I kept saying this is my 4th baby this isn’t normal (Tucker Jacks symptoms were “noisy breathing” ) finally to appease me they did a chest Xray and though it showed nothing we were sent the Arkansas Childrens Hospital where we saw the Pulmologist, and had another chest xray, 2 inconclusive sweat tests and finally; a DNA test to rule out Cystic Fibrosis, then they did an upper GI test “just in case” It was Feb. 13 2009 and my husband and I wont forget that, the Radiologist said ” His lungs are fine BUT (buts aren’t good) we found a birth defect” our world started spinning our baby was diagnoised with malrotation of his small intestents found by accident, we scheduled an appointment with the surgeon then scheduled his surgery and 11 days before his 1st birthday he had his Ladds Procdeure, funny think is all his “noisy breathing” also went away and no one could tell us why because noisy breathing is NOT a sign of malrotation but I just say that it was Gods way of getting us where we needed to be when we needed to be there. Tucker Jack is now 5 , and 4 years post op and doing great but he is little, hes not as big as the other kids his age, even some younger but hes healthy and likes to show people his “battle wound” espically right now because his daddy last month had his appendix rupture and has a scar just like his (but that’s a whole other store) Im just so very sorry that your family had to go thru what you went thru, I hate that Malrotation could easily be screened for before birth during the regular ultrasound and it isn’t, I also hate that no one even hears about this even though its more common that most other commonly known birth defects, I tell everyone who is pregnant or has a baby about this in hope I can help to save just 1 baby, also from talking to another group, even though the Drs say its “not” that with many of them they have more than 1 child with malrotation or one of the parents have it as well as a child, so were determining that there is a genetic factor.

  225. Thank you for your story. Right now, i am waiting got my 2 yr old to go to sleep. She has a genetic disease called sma 1. She is already one year past her life expectancy and. she can be a lot of fun one week and break your heart the next. Her nursery looks like a hospital room and we do have some nurses here. I need help grieving. I have developed fibromyalgia and i take cymbalta for the anxiety and pain.

    I recent ly listened to Beth Moore talk about deep hurts that have only been given surface level healing. I wonder in what ways this will be a help to me. I do not doubt Gods perfect plan, and i know that my perception is not all of reality…there’s a bigger picture. I don’t think that i have any animosity toward God at all, but i am stressed all the time waiting for the end to come. And then what… What’s the point of having those thoughts? so i praise God. He is amazing. It’s about the only thing i can think that doesn’t leave me lost.

    Elise is my fourth child. My other three are suffering too.
    We homeschool and are Bible Quizzers.

    Living for today.
    ~ Nicole

  226. Thank you for sharing your story. A friend of mine shared your blog with me. I just lost my youngest son on Father’s Day (6/16/13). He was 2 and a half. He was fine, healthy, happy. I put him down for his afternoon nap. When I went to check on him a few hours later he wasn’t breathing. I began CPR and called 911. The ER worked on him for over an hour, but he was already gone. The autopsy showed a bacterial infection. My heart is breaking and I don’t know what to do, think, or feel. It’s like an out of body experience and the pain is unbearable. It’s comforting to know other mom’s unfortunately have experienced this same pain. I’m looking forward to reading your grieving mother’s section.

  227. I stumbled upon this website looking for help with my diastasis and I happened to read Emily’s story. I am sitting here crying as I try to find the words I want to say. I can feel the hurt in your recollection and it makes me ache to go wake my children and hug them. Especially my baby girl who is 8 months old. I want to wake her and nurse her and hold her tight, because you really do not know when Jesus will call them home. My daughter spent a week in the hospital battling RSV and I remember thinking the worse, she then caught it again a month later. I will say a prayer for you and your sweet baby girl tonight.

  228. I feel like a total cyber stalker as I’ve been reading nothing but your blog for almost 7 days now. Digging into the archives and being totally blessed reading your story on letting God control the number of blessings [children]. As well as your points on dressing for the Lord and your husband and blogging for His glory.

    I avoided clicking on Emily’s picture for a while. Not knowing if I could handle her story and your loss. I sat in our vacation rental listening to the waves and the sound of my youngest son resting peacefully in his play yard.

    As I read the story there were times I had to stop and allow the tears to flow. To process everything going on. I could picture each and every agonizing moment. Questions filled my head and sorrow filled my heart. How you handled it. How you allowed each child to hold her, to say goodbye, to pour their love out over her – that – that will stay with me.

    It was a reminder that I needed that evening to truly appreciate the gifts I have right here in front of me. To hug them, to love them, to not regret a single one of them no matter what my family has to say about the blessings that be my boys.

    Love to your family and glory to God for your ability to share your stories and bless others with His words.

    • My heart goes out to all you mums who’ve lost their little ones. My little angel was born prematurely this April due to preeclampsia and she went to be with the Lord after one day in NICU. I never got to see or hold her. I have grieved for her deeply and feel her loss immensely. We are certainly mothers right from the moment we realize we are carrying a baby and our babies will always live in our hearts. I’m still struggling with some physical and emotional issues as a a result of the preeclampsia but getting better by God’s grace.I see babies everywhere and wish Pearlita were here with me though I know I have to let go. These days, I’m living life one day at a time and like so many of you, I do worry about my kids and pray that God would protect and watch over them daily. May His grace be sufficient for all of us.

  229. Bless you for telling your story. You have a beautiful family and I am blessed to have read this. My heart aches for you. We have 6 children and couldn’t imagine what you have gone through and the journey that you have been on.

  230. I stumbled across your blog when I googled “anger management for Christian mothers. That sermon series by S.M. Davis was truly God sent for me. I have 6 kids also, 2 boys and 4 girls. I also lost a baby girl to a bowel disorder 9 days after her birth. She is an identical twin to my 6 year old. She was 9 days old when she went home to be with Jesus. I miss her so much, but her life is the reason I turned to Jesus and became saved. I am so happy that you did know Jesus and had Christian friends to comfort you through your grief. Please pray for my husband and I and our quiver full. Thank you. God bless.

  231. I’m gushing with tears reading your story. And thinking how blessed was Emily to have a sweet. loving mama like you while so briefly on this earth!!! To nurse her, comfort her, lie beside her. Blessed, little girl :)

  232. I stumbled across your blog and I honestly don’t even know how! I lost a baby on April 5, 2013. This baby was my 5th baby. I was 10 weeks pregnant and went into labor at my home and gave birth to my baby in the middle of the night. My husband was with me and we held our baby and prayed and cried. I had totally taken for granted just how special life is and what a miracle a pregnancy is. I am coming up on my due date and I am hurting so badly. I know my baby is in heaven with your baby and but that still doesn’t calm my heart. Some days I am good and others I am so overcome with grief. I am that bad and I never really met my baby. I can’t imagine your pain. You held your baby and nursed your baby and loved on your baby. I really can’t imagine your pain. Thank you for writing this post. May God continue to bless you.

    • Heather,

      I lost my baby on the 2nd of April 2013. She was born prematurely at 26 weeks due to preeclampsyia and didn’t make it in NICU. I was still recuperating in hospital even as you lost your little angel somewhere across the world from where I am. I am still suffering from grief and depression and my heart goes out to all mothers who have to go through this. May the good Lord watch over our little ones in heaven and console us as we grieve our losses.


  233. Blessed Jesus, you are right you will never be the same. As I sit here with tears running down my face I am pained for you. I too had a baby go home to Jesus and I have never been the same. Thank you Thank you for sharing. This may have changed you but God has a plan. Have you read Heaven is For Real.

  234. Bless your dear, precious heart! I just found your blog today, and I just read the story of your sweet baby’s death. Only Jesus could ever begin to understand your deep grief and agony. Your words moved me to tears. I just wanted to say that I am SO sorry for your pain, and I know God has used your anguish to reach out to many who are suffering. Only He can take our trials and turn them into blessings. I am enjoying your blog and would love for you to stop by mine sometime, if you’d like. May God’s peace continually be yours, Cheryl

  235. I cried with you as I read this – I have lost at least 3 children through miscarriage and that was hard enough. So sad for you all and praying God’s comfort continue to hold you.

  236. A few months ago I attended the funeral of my friends 2 year old daughter, Saphire was born prem and because the doctors and nurses wouldn’t listen to my friend she was also brain damaged from when they had to twice shock her mothers heart when it stopped before Saphire was delivered. To top it off her leg was also broken during the birth. They told Saphy’s dad to stop the feeding and let her go, this while her mother was in a coma, not knowing her baby was alive, he said no, they pushed, he stood firm, they told him she would only live a few days, he still said no. Finally my friend came out of the coma. And both mother and child where reunited, both having had heart problems since the birth, the minute they where reunited both heart beats stablised and fell in sync with each other. They both recovered and went home. Saphire continued to astound them and doctors by doing things they thought would be impossible. Things where going well, then one morning my friend woke, and found that beautiful little Saphire Jade had passed away in her sleep, she wasn’t sick, she just stopped breathing, my friends heart problems came back and she was rushed to hospital, where thank god she survived. I’m glad you have shared your story so people like my friend won’t feel so alone, especially since her relationship has since broken down, I will be telling her to look at this site.

  237. I stumbled upon your blog today when I was researching homeschooling for my twin girls. I somehow got to a post about Emily, and decided I wanted to read her story. I direct a nonprofit org for preemie, NICU, and angel families. Every time I hear a story about the loss of a child, I am reminded how precious life is, and how precious the moments we have with our children are. You just never know – I hear that from grieving parents all of the time. Your daughter’s story is beautifully written, a true masterpiece of unconditional love. With every sentence I felt your joy and your pain. I’m in tears. Our organization is hosting a butterfly release in honor of infant loss in October in College Station, Tx. I will personally release a butterfly for Emily. I am sure she is remembered in many ways all of the time, but I just wanted you to know she has touched my heart and will be remembered with us too. Thank you for sharing your story. Much love! Amber

  238. your story of Emily brought tears to my eyes. I am happy I found this. I lost my beautiful 16 year old son on January 10th of this year. He also was born on the 4th of July. Thankyou for your story.

  239. Your story touched my heart. I cried with you for your loss. I know it must have been very difficult to share this, but I am so glad you did. You have communicated how precious your child was and is. We lost my baby brother when he was born. Our family has never been the same either. Every year we mark the passing of his birthday and wonder what he would have been like at 5, 10, 18, 40. I’m certain of one thing, he is with Jesus and I know that my Redeemer lives and we shall see Him on the last day….I am so grateful for the HOPE we have in Christ; this hope that makes it possible to face the loss of our loved ones.

  240. My heart broke reading this. I’ve followed your blog for quite a while, but didn’t see this post until today. In 2005 I almost lost my Miriam to an intussusception. I’d never heard of it before. I was pregnant with my twin girls at the time and Miriam was 20 months old. She lost 1/3 of her small intestine that Christmas eve. She’s 9 now. I knew when they brought her out of surgery that she was my Christmas gift. My heart breaks for what your family has experienced.

  241. Dear Amy,
    You have allowed such a very special, intimate time of your life to the world. You have allowed many mothers, women, men, young and old to weep with you as they read about this part of your life. I praise God for His Grace. I praise God for His Love, Mercy, Truth, Life, Salvation, Blessings, Honor, Hope, Joy and Peace. I praise God. As I wept when I got to the part I along with many others got to feel just a ting of what you felt that moment, that day. Jesus is Lord. You are honored and so precious in His sight. Jesus is King. As His daughter you radiate His glorious Light. Jesus is Savior and as the Resurrection Life your beautiful, precious and blessed daughter is not in your past, but in your future.
    Jesus is Lord.

  242. Amy, I was searching the internet (of all places) looking for some encouragement. I am a mother to four children and have been homeschooling for two years now. I came across your site and saw your story about Emily. I am humbled by your courage and encouraged by your story. I can’t imagine the pain, and I know there is nothing anyone can say to make it better. I just wanted you to know that your story touched my heart and I wanted to thank you for sharing it.

  243. I googled christian homeschool blogs. I follow a couple and wanted to look up more because this is my first year doing it. Your story is extremly sad but you stayed faithful and didnt hate God. Im so glad that you are able to share your story it might help others.

  244. I cried while reading Emily’s story. Our 6th child and only daughter , Bella Rose, was stillborn on May 25th, 2010 and I remember holding her for much of the day. I couldn’t cry. I never wanted to hand her over to the nurse. I will never forget, as I am sure you and your family will not. Bless you all.

  245. Emmy’s story will forever be in my heart. I shed tears for your family but thank The Lord for holding onto your precious daughter tight and releasing her from sickness. Lots of love from my family to yours.

  246. There are no words that can be spoken to ease your pain. This I know. No, you will never be the same. This I know to be true . I believe the tears we cry find their way to heaven and Jesus who weeps with us takes each tear and places them in a jar. He says this in His word. Praying strength for you as you go through each day and hope knowing one day you will hold your precious child again. May the God of comfort bring peace to your soul.

  247. Oh Amy, I am so sorry for the deep, deep loss of your sweet Emily. Thank you for sharing her with us. Such a private pain and very kind of you to reach out to others who have suffered loss as well. That helps her life continue to bless.

  248. I’m so so sorry for your loss. My baby son, Peter, went Home to Heaven June 21, 2006. We lost him very shortly before birth and I had no idea until I saw the look on the face of the ambulance driver who very slowly drove us to the hospital that my baby boy was gone. So much of Emily’s story sounded so familiar, especially the part about handing your baby girl over and not wanting to let go. She was so beautiful. I pray the day when we get to see our babies again comes very, very soon.

  249. Oh sweet Amy…I am all choked up after reading your heartbreaking story of your precious little angel. Your story reminds us to never take anyone for granted, not even for a moment. And because of our hope in Christ, I see Emily Sophia running in heaven and laughing. Blessings of peace to you…

  250. She is so beautiful. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing her life with me. Our children are so precious. I had a miscarriage and a dear friend explained to me how she was born into Heaven. I now have a wind chime that has a lovely sound and when we are all outside and hear it ring we pause for a moment remembering dear our baby in heaven. Thank you for your post.

  251. Dear Amy,

    I’m not sure how I got to your website or this page about your dear, sweet Emily. What a beautiful baby! I’m am so choked up with emotion right now about that beautiful girl. I pray for God’s strength for you and so many more precious dreams about Emily to comfort you. Thank you for sharing Emily’s story with us. May God bless you and your family.

  252. Your story brought me back to the day I lost my six-week old son unexpectedly, while at a routine doctor check up. He had an undetected congenital abnormality. I remember the distinct difference between my wailing and then the crying that came later as I understood he was at peace. Saying goodbye was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It hurt more than the natural childbirth that brought him into this world. I haven’t been able to share the specifics of our moments in the doctor’s office yet. It’s so painful to relive it…and honestly, I’m grateful that those moments are not plaguing my every thought as they did in the beginning. I have the story mostly written out. I’ve been sharing the peace and blessings and my grief at http://www.theonesicarryinmyheart.com/Silas.

    I pray you feel your daughter close to you, even though you are separated for now.

  253. Oh my this has broken my heart. My child has a chronic illness that many die from and although I am still holding my baby (he is two) my heart grieves for your loss and in some ways I literally feel your pain. God bless you and thank you for sharing this story!!!

  254. Hello,

    I just want to tell you that I’m praying for you. Your story, rather Emily’s, story both touched and broke my heart to read. I pray that you continue to hold on tight to our Lord, Jesus. I know that He loves you, your husband, Emily and your other children more than any of us can imagine. I remember the whirlwind of PICU and the ER with my third son shortly after he was born. I’m so very grateful that through my son’s experience I came to know the Lord. Your family and mine are truly blessed to belong to Him. All my praise be to Him. Merry Christmas to you and yours.

  255. God is gracious and the Holy Spirit is our comforter. I pray that you will forever comforted. Emily is with Jesus and she is doing ok.

    Thanks for sharing, it encourages me to do know that as part of the body of Christ we can all share in each other’s pain and pray for one that is wounded. So I pray for you.

    Be strong in the LOrd and in the power of His might.

  256. Hello Amy,
    I first read Emily’s story when I was pregnant with our 5th. It brought me to tears!! Our baby is now out and as sweet and precious as can be. She is 5 weeks old. She had some bowel issues when she was first born…..she didn’t go every day, multiple times like they say newborns should go. My midwife said to cluster feed, and see if that would help…and it did! I was so happy, but I kept thinking about your story and about Emily’s intestines. I was wondering, did Emily ever have ANYthing when she born or after…like tummy issues, or bowel issues? Did she have any poo-poos that were ‘weird’? (Mucus, runny…..). I read that you said when she born you had no idea that she had a congenital issue that would take here life! :( She was a beautiful little girl, and I know you will see her in heaven again one day. Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift…….that we can one day be in heaven with Him and all of our loved ones, too! I hope to hear black from you.

  257. I just cried my eyes out reading this post. I am so sorry that you lost your beautiful girl and you are an inspiration with your beautiful family. God bless.

  258. Stumbled upon your website the other day. Just read sweet Emily’s story. Brought tears to my eyes. We lost our first child, Michelle Grace, to a heart defect. She only lived 25 days, all in the PICU. Like you, I held my sweet daughter in my arms as she died. I will never forget those moments. This was 11 years ago. The Lord has since blessed us with 6 more children! They love and talk about their sister, though they’ve never met her. Thanks for sharing Emily’s story.

  259. I know that families are forever, and you have not lost Emmy. You gained a little angel to look for your family. I know that we can be together again.

  260. I write this through tears that I can not even keep back, to say that I am so sorry for your loss of your beautiful daughter. We never met our baby in Heaven, but I can not wait for the day to hold that sweet baby, waiting for her Mama. Until then, we leave them in the arms of Jesus. I wish that I could hug you right now and tell you that I am so sorry for your loss. How brave you are to write this story for other mothers – that your story will help them.

    Thank you.

  261. I came across your blog during a search for “diastasis recti + maternity bands.” As I was reading, I scrolled down and saw Emily’s picture. For some reason her angelic gaze and beautiful face grabbed my heart, and I felt compelled to read the caption and her story. I can barely type over my tears. I have never felt such a love for a child that is not my own. Thank you for having the courage to share your heartbreaking yet hope-filled story of little Emily. I will pray for you and your family. I also look forward to meeting your most precious little angel one day.

  262. Thank you for sharing your story. God does things for a reason, and it is always for his glory. I am certain this tragedy has changed many lives. I am so sorry you have had to face this. I can’t help, but hold my two week old son a bit closer, time is never promised. Stay strong, will keep your family in my prayers.

  263. Im so sorry you went through this. It’s a strength I hope to never know. My 8th was also born on the 4th of July last year and every time one of my kiddos is sick I pray and thank the Lord we have been spared this ‘strength’. Praying for your family and your ability to grieve. <3

  264. A friend sent me the link to your blog just a little bit ago. I have three children, two girls with me, and one I just miscarried 3 weeks ago, who is in Heaven with your Emily. I was only 6 weeks, but we were all so excited to be having another baby. I can’t begin to imagine the added heartache you went through, knowing your baby, seeing her face, thinking she was going to be fine, and then having her suddenly be taken from you. I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words. I don’t know how long it has been since her death, but I hope you are doing as okay as possible. I’ve found it helpful to lean on Jesus, and reading the book of Job really has helped too.

  265. I found this site completely by accident and read Emily’s story. As soon as I read that she was throwing up bright yellow I suspected the diagnosis and reluctantly read on.

    I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face too choked up to breath, never mind talk. We nearly lost our most recent child to the same affliction and it is still raw. I don’t know why god chose for her to live out of all the other little babies out there. But she is a treasure. I feel compelled to share my daughter’s story also because if the symptoms are found early enough there is a chance of correcting the problem. But I really want to stress that no matter what happens Parents must know that THEY SHOULD NOT TAKE ON BLAME if they do not recognize the symptoms. I don’t know a better way to say this. I blame myself for not noticing something earlier still even though I try not too. Easier said than done.

    This is Orianna’s story:
    Our 5th daughter, Orianna, also had malrotation of the intestines as well as a slew of other problems that I won’t go into here. The only reason that the malrotation was discovered was because she wasn’t breast feeding properly and she had been diagnosed with failure to thrive. Eventually a barium swallow test was performed to see if she had acid reflux and it was there, in our community hospital, that the malrotation was discovered. Within 2 days, less than 48 hours, she was at Boston Medical Center in the hand’s of a wonderful surgeon and she had the Ladd’s procedure to correct the malrotation. We said goodbye, not knowing if it was the last time we would see her. Five agonizing hours later she was out of surgery. She was in the hospital for about a week and had minimal complications. It’s all a blur now but she was about 3 weeks when it was discovered. If it hadn’t been for our vigilant pediatrician….I just don’t know what would have happened. The barium swallow test was just tacked on as a sort of, we’re testing everything else so let’s try this too.

    The fact if the matter is that malformation is hard to catch. As a parent of 5 children we had seen a rainbow of colors come out of our children. Unfortunately by the time it is realized that the strange color vomit or bm has been accompanied by a fever the malrotation has caused a blockage and it is critical. Parents must know that THEY ARE NOT TO BE BLAMED. As seasoned parents we learn to exhaust all home remedies before running to the ER. And with malformation so many symptoms are often present that it is hard to tease them out.

    Three years later Orianna is nearly developmentally correct. She has an 8″ scar that we lovingly call her zipper. Unfortunately, for the rest of her life we will have to be vigilant for bowel obstruction. She will also need to be taught about it. Because once the symptoms occur there is no time to waste. We have had a few scares and it is very hard to get the Drs at our local hospital to take us seriously. It’s hard to go in and give her medical history then tell them the tests that need to be done. It’s not like ordering off a menu. In order for them to take us seriously I give a brief rundown of malrotation, which many dr shave not heard of, and tell them that this may be a minor illness but with her history it is potentially a life or death situation. Sadly, I think it is fear of lawsuit that motivates them to take us seriously.

    Forever in my mind I will link yellow or strange color vomit, high fever and odd bowel movements with malrotation. Often these symptoms are just a virus but I can’t let it go.

    I didn’t want to come across as preachy or as a know it all. I just felt compelled to share our story.

    My heart aches for you.

  266. I’m so sorry for your loss. My heart hurt for you all while I read.

    I am glad you are a Christian and have the joy of knowing you will be reunited in
    Heaven. God bless you .

  267. My heart goes with you and your family. In May 2013 our family lost a special daughter Moira to Edwards Syndrome. I have too moved forward smiling when I see something beautiful and think of her.

  268. My heart hurts for you. There are no words that can express the feeling of losing a child. Nearly 10 years later, not a day goes by that I don’t think of the baby I lost, and wonder what she would have grown to be. I see her in her sisters, and I am thankful for them every day.
    God bless and comfort you.

  269. I came across your recent blog post in my facebook feed about maternity clothes, a subject I don’t have much interest in as I am not pregnant or very interested in being! (I adore my babies but being pregnant has been extremely difficult for me.) Anyway, I noticed your section on grieving mothers and read your story about Emily. I was just surprised to see that you lost your baby 8 days before I lost mine. I lost my 3 year old Danielle after about a 10 month battle with cancer. I remember all the moments you describe and the agony. I cried for you and your sweet girl too. I don’t know why, it’s no club you want to be a part of but knowing you’re not alone is somehow comforting. She was my 2nd child. I was 22. It was surreal. I have lived for a while just surviving but I have been blessed with 2 more little girls I fell asleep covered in tonight. God is so faithful. The world may not see him but I do. I don’t understand still and I was not in agreement with God when he took my little girl but I know how deeply he loves her. Now I’m just waiting patiently and working hard until we can go home. God bless your sweet family and little Emily.

  270. God bless you.

    Emmy can sit with our baby, Aliyah. They can keep each other company. There must be many little angels tucked under our Lord’s wings. Bless them all. He will keep them. Some day I hope we meet them there.

  271. I am so so very sorry your baby died. I am so sorry you know what it is to hold her dear sweet body after she has left you for heaven. I am sorry you learned what sounds you make when your entire world is destroyed. I am sorry for all of us who have lived through this. I pray for peace and strength for you.

  272. I’m new to your blog, but when I saw you had lost a baby, I had to read your story. In 2006 I lost my twin baby girls, Gabrielle and Michelle, soon after birth. It’s so heartbreaking to lose a child! I’m so sorry you had to go through it as well, but thankful that you know you will see her again in heaven.

  273. I cannot imagine your pain! Thanks for sharing. You did everything you could to save your child. So sorry. You will see her again.

  274. Thank you for sharing. I lost my 24 year old son a month ago. My heart is breaking but our church and longtime friends are holding us up in prayer and support. So glad that he is with the Lord now. I often think of King David losing his baby son. “He will not return to me, but I will go to him someday”. So thankful for Jesus and the cross to reassure me that I will be in heaven someday!

  275. i just shared this page, Emily’s story, on my facebook status. I hope that is ok, if not i will take it down immediately. I am hoping my friends that are young mothers realize from your story how precious our little ones are. Young mothers who have not experienced this kind of lose have no idea how precious our children are, and i am so grateful for the reminder. I am so extremely sorry for your loss and i pray that God will continue to carry you and your family through your grief, and wrap you in his healing love. I wish i knew just what to say, but really words can only seem silly and excessive when you don’t have a clue. All i can say is thank you for the reminder that life is short, our children are so very precious, and we are not promised another day with them. I will hug my toddler and baby tighter, enjoy their laugh more, stop yelling, pray for them longer, and appreciate each day i have with them much more after reading Emily’s story. I will never forget Emily.

  276. Hi Amy,

    I found your blog just recently while searching for homeschool resources. I want to thank you for sharing Emily’s story. As someone who struggles with fears about the safety of my children, reading her story and your other articles on grieving has helped me face those fears. I have been challenged to fully trust The Lord with my children and rest in Him. So I wanted to thank you, and say God bless you!

  277. Your courage is life infusing to weak and feeble bones. Thank you, for fixation on Him. His strength shines through your testimony blindingly. God bless your legacy.

  278. I cannot even find the words to convey. I have two boys and they are my entire world. My youngest is 17 months, and currently down for his nap, that is about to change :).With tears in my eyes I will go snatch him from his crib and shower him in love and remember to appreciate the fact that I can. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

  279. It was extremely hard for me to leave my baby girl at the hospital too after she passed! I can’t even really describe the pain I felt, I just know for a fact part of me died with her. I couldn’t read your story with out crying because it took me right back to October 9, 2014, that’s the day I gave birth and loss my baby

  280. I just happened to stumble upon your blog today, following a homeschool link on Pinterest. As soon as I saw the “The Grieving Mother” tab, I knew I had to click on it and see what your story is. There are so many similarities in your story and mine, although our daughter’s died from completely different circumstances. We also buried our precious Clara Gail on February 14 but of 2013. I will remember your Emily’s name and say a prayer for your family, on each anniversary of laying our daughters to rest. God bless you and your family.

  281. Your story will stay with me forever. As I stood here reading your words I wept hard. And I can’t resist the urge to go grab my sweet baby from his crib and hold him tight and kiss his perfect little forehead. My prayers are with you and your beautiful family. I am so sorry you had to experience this. God bless you. Sending love your way.

  282. I wanted to let you know that your story touched my heart! I have 5 children here, and 3 in Heaven. I had my first daughter in 2002. We got pregnant with a set of twin boys; however, they developed twin-to-twin-transfusion syndrome, and at 21 weeks they passed away. I had to deliver them anyway, stillborn. That was a heart-wrenching experience, but praise the Lord, He brought me through. We had another pregnancy 6 weeks later, and I delivered our son, healthy, in January of 2005. I was pregnant soon after Siler, but something happened with that baby – oddly enough another boy! He was 24 weeks along, and so it meant another stillborn delivered. I chose to go to Grief Counseling, and that really made all the difference in the world. She gave me some really great tips on managing my emotions — which I still have to do :0) Anyway, that baby boy was born in 2006. I got pregnant again with our daughter. I delivered her in 2007 – healthy. I was so excited about the three children, and we had always talked about having 4. Time went on, and I did not get pregnant until mid 2009. While I was super excited about having another child, I was also dreading the thought of losing another. I prayed for the Lord to allow us to have this child. My poor brain was used to the pattern — have a baby, lose a baby, have a baby, lose a baby, have a baby — and this was the “Lose the Baby.” The Lord did not follow my pattern. In January 2010, we had a baby boy! I would love to say to you that we had another child and he was healthy. On the contrary we did deliver a child, but he has CP and a rare brain abnormality called leukodystrophy. This little fella, we call Sully, while he can’t walk or talk, he has spoken volumes! He spent his first 5 weeks of life in the NICU. He made it home when he reached 5 lb. The roller coaster ride of having a special needs child began! And while I was taking him to the geneticist, neurologist, cardiologist, gastroenterologist, nephrologist, opthalmologist, orthopeidics, PT, OT, speech, audiologist, and regular doctors — I GOT PREGNANT again!! Now by this time, I was taking Sully, Sarah (almost 3), Siler 5, and Savannah almost 8 to all of these appointments!! Then I was pregnant and doing all of this, too! My thoughts were, “Lord, are You sure we want me to be going through this with all this other going on? But Your ways are higher than my ways!” We successfully gave birth to our last child, Seth (which means “God Appointed) in October of 2011. We are grateful for all of our children who now range in age from 3 (pray for me!!) to 12 (thank the Lord for her!). I have had quite a journey, and I can’t ever imagine what you went through having had a child to get here, spend several months with, and then lose! Wow! But I can imagine that the Lord was with you and your family every step of the way. In my experiences, I think and know that while the sad things happen to us that we often don’t understand, the Lord is faithful and does carry us through to the other side. One thing as a Christian that helps me is to know that one day I will get to meet those boys. You know, like on those morning news programs that have the people standing behind them holding up signs? When I get to Heaven, I just know that standing behind Jesus, will be my three sons with their signs! While I am waiting, I am going to try my best to be the best mommy I can be for my 5 kiddos here! Thank you for allowing others a place to share their stories after reading yours! Isn’t it a blessing to know that we are NEVER ALONE!! Blessings!! Chandra Kerr

  283. First of all i am sorry for your loss. I guess it touches me because i have 5 children and my oldest is named Emily she’s 11 now, i call her Emmy too. I’ve only miscarried once, and while i grieve for my lost baby, i didn’t get to hold her/him it was too early to tell. I didn’t go thru such a hardship like you have, i will pray for your family.

  284. Amy,
    I so know what you are going through. I have had several miscarriages and we had nine children, but losing my son, Bobby, was horrible. He was killed in an accident at 18, two weeks after graduation. He was a premie and I carried him physically for almost 2 months, afraid to lay him down and walk away since he was at risk for SIDS. When he died, I walked around for over a month mentally holding him in as that tiny baby of 4 lbs and wailing my heart out. That was 1990 and I still cry at times. I kept have a premonition that our daughter Amy was going to be in an accident and when this happened, I thought I had confused the two children. In 1992, Amy was hit head on and I knew it the second it happened and rushed home to wait for the call, this was before cell phones. I was beside myself with fear. When the call came as we were walking into the house, I was inconsolable. Don’t even remember going to the hospital. She was seriously injured but did survive although she has some residual damage. Amy, the pain will not be so physical as the years go by, but the heart pain will be there forever. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family. May the Lord bless you with healing and give you peace.
    Love and hugs,

  285. Your so right! We will never be the same; but what a glorious gift we will have when our child takes us by the hand and leads us right into the arms of Jesus on the day he calls us home. It was about a month after your sweet Emily went to be with Jesus; my 1st and only son at the time when we were told he had cancer. After about a year in a half of treatments he also went home to be face to face with Jesus. God has blessed us with two more wonderful boys. Thank you for sharing your story. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in still talking about the kid who helped me become a better person. Even after 5 1/2 years I still share my son’s story and how God has carried me through it all even to this moment! Praying your faith continues to grow and God blesses you beyond the things of this world! With love in Christ Jesus from another grieving mother who holds on to his promises, Ashley
    ps: just in case you want to know more about my son’s story visit: http://www.caringbridge.org/ryanpelton

  286. Your story has touched my heart. I read it snuggled up with my two year old daughter and I cried harder than I have in a long time. I am so sorry for your loss but your story is strong and powerful. You’re a witness to so many. Bless you and your family!

  287. That brought me to tears. Thank you for sharing this tragic story of your beautiful daughter who is now with Christ. I will remember this story.

  288. I originally came across your website through Pinterest, looking for budget/coupon clipping ideas. Then I saw The Grieving Mother section and was intrigued. After reading Emily’s story, my heart was aching for you, your husband and children, but I could relate to your grief. When I was 9 years old, I lost my baby brother (age 2) in a house fire. I can remember the numbness we all felt. We knew that Brooks was with Jesus, but our hearts were aching. As a 58 year old woman, and Mother of two grown children, I am forever grateful to my parents for the way they handled our loss. They didn’t sweep the pain away, and pretend it never happened or put his photos away as if he were never born. We talked about him, loved him, cherished him and celebrated his sweet beautiful unique life. For this, I, as well as my other siblings, have a better understanding of death and the knowledge that God has control over all things and will not desert us no matter the depth of our pain. My parents were ahead of their time in this thinking. This was the 60’s and people rarely talked about death. I have to commend you and your husband for giving your children the opportunity to celebrate their beautiful, precious baby sister Emily.

  289. read this make me live again that agony that I feel myself when I lost my baby too. and indeed we will never are the same after a so traumatic experience. but I learn so valuable lesson in MY experience. A was far of Jesus when that happen to me. and I star asking why if she could came to earth why she could’t stay? and I say: Not Even YOU, GOD can understand my pain.Because your son died, but HE raised and Its with you again. I was mad. And He put this words in my Heart. “The same pain you feel when you lost what you was waiting, I felt when I lost YOU.” SO never think that nobody understand that feel. GOD does and much of us too. thank for sharing your story.

  290. I wept as I read this. I have two little girls, and I can only imagine the heartache. I will say a special prayer for you today. Thank you for sharing your story. This has made me really evaluate my parenting, so that I may cherish the moments with them more.

  291. I’ve miscarried twice, but never suffered this kind of loss. My cousin did twice and I held her through the second child’s passing. I still cry when I think of him, both her children that passed at birth had potters syndrome, but Gabriel was different, he cried. If you had seen the X-rays you would know this was impossible, but we had asked God for this because her first child that died never made a sound. I will never forget Gabriel’s Cry. Thanks for sharing.

    • I just read Emily’s story, and it looks like today was her birthday? I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss and that you are in my prayers. I’m sending all my love to you and your family on this day.

  292. Amy,
    Thank you for sharing your story. Our 5th child, a sweet little girl, just passed away less than 3 months ago.
    Thank you

  293. I am not sure if you still check his page or not I stumbled upon through a google search. This story has touched me, I cried as I read this, I hope your faith is as strong now as it was back then. God Bless

  294. Like the last person said, I’m not sure if you still check this post or not but,…

    Our 11th child, Joseph, just about went through the same thing as Emily. He was only a month old and more than once I said “good bye” to him as I laid him down, not sure he’d be alive when I came back. He was so sick and I was so helpless. No one could tell me what was wrong with him. He had the same vomiting, losing weight, and diarrhea. He was in constant pain and didn’t howl, but whimpered constantly. He was finally diagnosed with Hirschsprung’s disease – where the bottom part of his large intestine was shriveled and useless. He almost died before he was diagnosed. He went through the “fix” surgery, but like Emily, he had to go back in again to get rid of scar tissue that was growing and squeezing him shut again. He had a total of three surgeries and four hospitalizations. He is now 9 months and is looking healthy and good – enough to almost forget how sorrowful and scary those first few months were. But your story reminds us that we never know when *any* of us are going to pass to the other side. It helps us remember how precious our time is on this Earth. He is a super loved baby. Everyone realizes how special he is because he almost didn’t make it. I’ve had numerous miscarriages – and in one, twins, I hemorrhaged and almost died. And yet nothing was like holding that tiny infant (he *was* 9 lbs 6oz when he was born – and he too had a traumatic, hard-on-my-body delivery) and wondering if I would still be holding him the next day. Thank you for your post. I truly appreciate it.