I once heard a talk show host give a very compelling argument for why moms need time away. He said mothers give and give to the point of empty. They must refuel themselves so they can continue to give.
It sounded quite reasonable to me. So, then why did my search for this hallowed me time always leave me feeling as though I needed more? While taking time for myself, I definitely felt refreshed, but the moment I got home and realized the sink was still full of dirty dishes and I would still have to give baths to all the children before the night would be over, I wanted to head right back out the door.
This left me feeling sorry for myself. Why couldn’t I have one night where I wouldn’t have to do the same things I do every night? Why couldn’t I come home to a spotless and trouble-free place where dishes were washed and children were in bed? Why did I have to go back to my duties so soon? To punish those who were making my life difficult, I would loudly sling dishes, and be curt and hurried with everyone until I could get children into bed and escape to the sewing room or the computer for the remainder of the evening.
The next morning, feeling dissatisfied with the amount of me time from the evening prior, I would take my coffee, sit at the computer, and completely ignore my daily duties. I would get irritated with the children because their antics were cutting into my time. I was stressed and edgy and desperate for more. My children would call out for me and I would answer with, “She’s not here right now.”
Then, I began staying up much too late in order to squeeze in more alone time. I dreaded going to bed because it meant waking up to children’s needs and a disaster of a house.
I became increasingly upset by my husband’s time off from work along with the business lunches and the business trips. To compensate for the perceived unfairness of the situation, I chose to do nothing on weekends: no laundry, no dishes, no parenting. Soon, my weekends were spilling over both ends and into the weekdays. All of this only served to overwhelm me even more and feed into my desire to escape.
In a moment of clarity, as only the Lord can offer, I saw my behavior for what it truly was: selfishness. Along with this epiphany came the conviction to quit seeking Me Time.
Me Time is a myth. It is an unattainable, always interruptible, never satisfying piece of junk psychology. Me Time, by its very name, suggests that who we are during the daily grind is not who we truly are. It begs us to search for fulfillment outside of the titles of “wife” and “mother.” It accuses precious little ones and God-given spouses for suppressing us. It reduces motherhood to a disease in which little dirty faces and endless monotonous tasks slowly suck the life out of us. It says we can never be refreshed by spending time in the presence of those we care for day in and day out. It points out a perceived hole in our world that needs to be filled, a tank that must be refueled, a monster that will swallow us if we neglect to feed it Me Time.
The more we indulge the though that we are somehow owed this time away, the more we will seek after it. The more we seek after it, the more every little opportunity afforded us to take a break will seemingly end too quickly. The everyday life of being a mother will become drudgery. We will dread every aspect of this role. We will snap at our children any time they try to draw us out of our precious time alone. Not getting this time will ruin our day, and if we do manage some time away, we will despise the re-entry.
However, with any lie, there is a certain amount of truth hidden within. There is an emptiness within us that needs to be filled, but only God can fill what you are aching for.
“The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him. The Lord is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.”
Lamentations 3:24, 25
Our time away should be spent seeking Him. Anything else we try to fill that emptiness with will fail miserable short. Likewise, the company we seek during our time away should be spent with people who are about the business of edifying and strengthening us in our role as wife and mother, not tearing at the very foundation of our home. We will never gain anything but resentment from the counsel of those who encourage us to seek self.
We must cease to see the role of wife and mother as a job we put aside at the end of the day. We must do our daily tasks cheerfully, as unto the Lord. We must learn to enjoy being home with our families. We must find contentment in serving others. We should spend more time drinking in the beauty of our children, searching their eyes, holding their hands, being Mom. When we do feel neglected or overworked, we must immediately seek the Lord to refresh us and keep us from sin.
There will be days when we are afforded opportunities to do things alone or with other women, but if we are content in our God-given role, we will no longer cling so tightly to these moments as the only way to save our sanity. Our need for Me Time will fade as we begin to see motherhood as a blessing not to be escaped, but embraced.
By Amy Roberts
Copyright 2009
The Old Schoolhouse Magazine, LLC
www.thehomeschoolmagazine.com
You can purchase the ebook version of the original magazine article for $1 HERE.
Loved this post! And by the way, your layout is really nice.
That was a beautiful and sharp-edged article. It really hit home- thank you for the reminder to discard most of what the world tells us. I don’t want to wait till the end of the day or the end of the week till I can “enjoy myself,” I’d like to be able to do it WITH my kids. I recognize the cycle of weekend inaction in myself. I’m going to post a link over to this. Thank you.
I had the ability to post this on the blog now, so I wanted to place an untouched copy directly from the magazine here so those of you who would like to link to it can do so.
I don’t know if I had mentioned that my oldest son read this article and said, “Mama, I don’t remember you being like that.” I just smiled at him and said, “Good!” Proof positive the Lord does fill the gaps! What a merciful God!
Blessings,
Amy
I agree with that and did a post myself, after reading yours. It did open up a whole can of worms though, as many do not see it that way. I know exactly where you are coming from though!
Loved it the first time. Still love it. It’s amazingly true. Only GOD alone can truly satisfy.
~Fiveboys
I really love your post!
I would love to read the article to the mom’s at MOPS next year!
I read your posting of it last year but not the redo of it for the HomeSchoolhouse magazine.
Good job! Well done!
Blessings,
Georgiann
Thank you for this post. I have never heard this before, and now recognize it as Truth. Even at our Christian mom’s groups, it is all about how to be yourself outside your current role as wife and mother. This fuels unhappiness and disregard for our calling. You have been such a blessing to me today!
Amen, Sister, Amen.
Loved it. Absolutely loved it, Amy. Passionate Housewives Desperate for God talks a bit about this “Me Time” mentality that’s been circulating as well. You worded it so beautifully though!
And I have found it to be true: that when we seek God when we truly have a need for refreshing [from Him], He will provide and make it fruitful.
I read this when it was published in TOS and was so excited someone was willing to write it! Very well said. Thank you.
So glad God doesn’t leave us in our mistaken ideas!! Thank you for writing this article. Well said and well needed.
There have been times I’ve felt exactly that — why don’t I ever get any time alone? Why can’t everyone just leave me alone? And my husband feeds into this by both asking for his own time alone and telling me I need mine. But often times when I don’t really think, I automatically include my kids. Sure, I’d LOVE to go shopping, out to lunch with a friend, etc. but I don’t mind taking them with me. They are a part of my daily fun. Even when I go to “mom’s nights,” I take my son because he’ll need to eat (he’s 7 months). People say “just pump and leave him at home!” No. Sometimes I feel like I’m a little kid again, playing house, and my kids are playing my babies. But it’s real.
There are days. Oh, there are days. But I try hard to see it the way you’ve said it. And I have also been criticized for the way I view family and home life. I’ve been criticized for my view on large families. But the thing is, when we love the Lord and follow Him we will be criticized by the world which doesn’t understand. Sometimes I think it’s a sign that we’re doing things right.
(I try to remember that when I’m feeling stressed.)
I’m not sure your definition of “me time” is exactly what most people mean by that phrase. Me time does not equal sitting at the computer letting your mind go stagnant – it’s doing something that fulfills your needs and helps you feel better about yourself. I’m not a wife nor a mother, but I am an over-worked law student. I take me time by reading chapters of a novel or some short stories, or playing with my horses. The fact that I spend a few hours every week doing something that is not helping my career (or replace that with being a wife or a mother) does not mean that my primary “job” is any less important or that I don’t take it as seriously. Me time should be encouraging and help make you a more stable, well-rounded person – if you come back to “real life” hating everyone, I’d say your doing it wrong.
Also, if you hate coming back from me time to a sink full of dishes, maybe you could drop a hint or two to your husband to help you out.
I dont want to sound rude. I think your schooling and the job of being a wife and mother are a little differant. Our job was given to us by God. We are to be sevants to our husbands. And we are to be training our children in all things. We can not do these things to God standards if we are always taking “me time” then we would only be doing the job slopily. I dont want to prevok an Argument, but I do think the situations are a little differant. When you are married and have children God will expect the same thing from you.
I wish you luck in your career!
I have to agree with you a little bit! I am a full time wife and mother. I do think we need some time to be alone and be able to think things through. I do agree that if you come back from your “me time” hating the world, then you are doing it wrong and for the wrong reasons. I take my me time and go out and do something by myself or with a friend. It gives me a small break. Sometimes I get to the point where I feel overwhelmed. I don’t think that God meant us to have our children by our side every second of every day. That is just my opinion!!
Thank you for posting this. It’s a reminder to me of what I read in the Maxwell’s book “Homeschooling with a Meek and Quiet Spirit” Her book was so helpful and I’ve just drifted away from the ideas I learned from her.
Marie
http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/mom244now
You descibed so well the experience I had with “me time”. Thank you for this article which I am about to post on my blog. This needs to be read. xo
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My momther sent me a link to this. I have been ” needing alonen time ” for months now. Feeling like im going to loose my mind if I dont get out and away from it all. Thank you so much for writing this. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I just thought you should know that it really ment something to someone.
Im looking forward to reading more.
Thank you so much for revealing that refreshment comes from the Lord and not from seeking our own selfish desires.
thank you:)
I love this article!!! Thank you for it…from the bottom of my heart. I thought I was alone in this…you have helped me to understand that I am not weird or strange for not wanting to go away for a weekend with my friends or travel without my hubby and children. I feel so blessed to be married to my hubby and love being mommy…thought I wasn’t having balance because of all you here out there…trying to do it made things nuts in my life. Now I am back to doing it “my” way…living life with them in it…and taking time with God to refill my spirit instead of tons of outside activities…
I love to write and blog but what refuels me is our Lord Jesus and time with him…time w/ my hubby…things like that.
Your blog is an answered prayer my friend!!!
Blessings!!
Mary Joy
Amen! This is something that I have felt the Lord’s gentle nudging on, but you’ve put it into words that really struck me. Seeking the kiddos, and seeking the Lord when our cup feels empty. I love it!
Thanks so much for this. =)
I really really needed to read this this morning. God has been nudging me about this for a while now, suttle nudges stating just what you have written here. Last night my oldest daughter asked me if I was going to bed too, and I told her I needed alone time. She stated she never got alone time with me and I said that alone time meant being by myself without any kids or interuptions. I thought I said it in a way that was “nice” but really how nice is it to say to your children that you dont want them around for a bit? I felt awful after she went upstairs head bowed low. I went up and appologized to her, feeling such conviction on this topic from God. Today your post just really verifies for me that this is something God wants me to change. Its a hard mindset to get out of. Everyone around me tells me “you need a break.”
Im going to share this with my friends <3 Thankyou for posting it
This was such a blessing to me!! When I come to the end of my life here on earth I really don’t think I will look back and say “Oh if I’d only had more “me time”! Our time with our children is so very short, we must be so diligent as mothers. “Redeeming the time” because our children have got a horribly wicked society in which to live. They need us!!
This is spot on! This is exactly how I feel and have tried to explain to other moms. Jesus is our source of rest and comfort!!
I often say if I need “time away” it is to reconnect with my husband as our marriage is such a high priority, never to be completely away from my family! It saddens me to watch young moms around me become resentful towards their kids and husbands by buying into this philosophy. I believe it is what leads to the destructions of some marriages. I have a close family member whose wife left him because she let this idea fester for so long.
Love, love, love this article. Going to repost it now!
Thanks, Rebecca! It truly is a sad thing when you feel as though your time away is never enough…so much so that you feel the need to completely walk away.
I could not agree more!!! My husband and I have discussed this ‘me time’ myth a few times, and I have long been annoyed with society’s general acceptance that who we are as wives and mothers is not the truth – that we are actually just dying to get out of it and back to our ‘real’ selves!
Loved it! Plan on sharing it on fb!
The principles in your excellent insight can be applied to men also. The quest to fulfill ourselves and feel better about ourselves is the fast-track to dissatisfaction apart from God’s design for us.
Very true, Cal! I never thought about this from a man’s perspective, but you are spot on!
I think this is much more a personal stance rather than a motto for all mothers. A woman who is balanced and constantly feeding herself with the Word and in God wouldn’t experience being pulled far either way in one direction–the pit of selfishness or the suffocation of being everything to everyone. “Me time,” is essential but also not to be abused. I’m not satisfied with the overall flavor of the article when it seems to suggest that a woman who waits for her alone time is selfish. There is a time and place for everything, and that is the beauty of being balanced. When I have a night out planned with my friends, or even alone, I do what needs to be done ahead of time, or more often, my husband steps up and comes beside me, making my burden lighter. I have absolutely never resented coming back to my children. In fact, I feel ten times better of a woman when I get back because I have been filled with the time I took. I don’t know . . . I guess I see Me Time as a delicious piece of chocolate cake. If you’re not balancing it with other things, like excercise, then you’re going to resent the wanting of it, you’re going to resent doing it, and you’re definitely going to resent the stuff that you eat in lieu of it because it’s so-called better. But if you go to the gym a few times a week, then you can eat that cake and do so in peace because of the balance in your life between food and excercise.
I see your point from your perpective. The danger is that not all women are like you. To suggest that all mothers give up this notion will inevitably draw harsh rebuke when a mother thinks they have to conform to your norm and run themselves ragged giving all to their children and never doing anything for themselves.
We are all parts of the same body. We can’t push our own limitations on others. While you may suffer from Me Time, others flourish. There’s nothing wrong with either. Period. I hope women reading this article in the future can see that difference. This is an opinion, a personal victory to a specific woman with a specific temperment that could not flourish in a certain circumstance. This is not a command from the Lord, that those of us who do flourish within Me Time, and are better mothers from it, must stop less we be called selfish.
Thank you Heather. I was reading the article and starting to feel a sinking feeling.
This is kind of off topic, but just from reading some of the above comments, I’d just like to say I don’t think God “expects” things from us. If he did that would be we could disappoint him and I don’t believe we can.
Thanks for the article!
)
Could not leave without dropping a kind thank you here. You have nearly perfectly expressed exactly what went on in my heart when my husband freed me up for useless (i.e., pointless) “me” time. Wandering around Target, idling sipping on coffee? I came home…not refreshed. But when he (brave man!!) takes the kiddos out so I can enjoy uninterrupted time in God’s Word, even if that uninterrupted time is only 30 minutes? New mama!
LOVE this post, thank you.
Thank you for hearing my heart.
Thank you. I needed to hear this.
Thank you for this! You are spot on, and your insight is straight from the Lord, and exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for allowing God to speak through you to me. I connect with everything you’ve said, and I just couldn’t stop the cycle or see what I was doing wrong. Today I’m hitting the stop button and I’m actually feeling excited and releived. Yes, we were made to worship. Thank you, THANK YOU! I’m about to go enjoy my family now. I have a youngster asking me to read him the Bible, today this is an opportunity I won’t miss!
Praise the Lord, Michelle! May He richly bless you today!!
This was me! Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone and that I can become what the Lord has for me to be. You “hit the nail on the head” This is nothing but truth! Thank you again!!!!
Kristin
WOW this is exactly what I needed to hear. I grew up with a mother who always needed her me time and neglected us. Now that I have my two boys my youngest has special needs everyone keeps telling me that I need me time, but I have noticed like what was said above that I need more and more. I have started snapping at my oldest son and get frustrated when my little one cries. I have turned into my mother and this article has opened my eyes that things need to change. thank you so much!