1. There is nothing you can say that will make her feel better or make her pain hurt any less. The sooner you understand this key point, the sooner you will be able to offer real comfort. Yes, you want to take this all away from her because you love her and hate to see her suffer like this, but grief isn’t supposed to be fun. Grief is supposed to hurt and it is important…let me say that again…it is IMPORTANT that you let her grieve. The best thing you can say right now is, “I don’t know what to say” and then give her a hug.
2. Don’t ask, “What can I do for you?“ She doesn’t know. Especially in the early days, she will more than likely look at you as if you are a brick wall she has to scale. I was most blessed by those who picked something to do and then asked my permission to do that thing.
Examples:
*Took our favorite picture of Emily to be enlarged for the funeral, bought a frame and an easel. That picture now sits in our living room beneath our family picture.
*Brought paper goods to the house while there were 9 million people living in my house (no need to ask about this one…it’s a consumable thing)
*Brought coffee and didn’t ask what kind, just brought something she thought I would like then sat with me while we drank the coffees…not expecting anything from me.
3. Don’t ask to take the kids for the day. (unless you know her well and know she would appreciate this) The LAST thing I wanted after losing a child was to lose them ALL to someone else’s house. I couldn’t even stand the thought. No, I wasn’t functioning real well, but I needed the children to be right there where I could see them and touch them. You’d do better to ask if you can come and watch the children at her house while she rests for a bit.
4. Do something that encourages the family to move forward as a family. It is very tough for a grieving family to begin making new memories that leave out the child who died. Consider doing something that encourages the family as a whole.
Examples:
*a zoo or museum membership
*gift card to eat out as a family
*invite the family to join your family on an outing to the park or pumpkin patch or a game night in your home
5. Avoid the common phrases that too often end up sounding flippant and heartless. Things like, “She’s in a better place now” or “She’ll never have to suffer the pain of growing up” hurt more than they help, especially in the beginning. Yes, I know she’s in Heaven and yes, I know that is the best place ever, but I hurt. Don’t kid yourself into believing that saying those common phrases somehow eases the pain. They don’t. They are better left unsaid because you can be assured someone else out there will say them.
6. Don’t compare your loss to her loss unless you’ve actually lost a child. Your dog dying, your grandma dying, your dad dying (no matter how close you were to any of them) just isn’t the same thing. My dad died 51 weeks to the day before Emily died. It just wasn’t the same kind of grief. They were both grief, but they were apples and oranges in how they felt. I would never presume to know what it feels like to lose a husband or a mother, and unless you’ve lost a child, you should never presume to know what that feels like. Instead of trying to sympathize by comparing grief, consider saying something like, “Grief is so painful. I cannot imagine how hard this must be. I am so sorry.” In this way, you are validating that what they feel is hard and doesn’t compare to anything else. They need to know that the pain they are feeling is okay to feel.
7. Ask hard questions, but in a loving way, and make sure you listen to the answer. Do not shy away from specifics when talking to the grieving person. If they’ve been grieving longer than a couple of weeks they will probably welcome someone who will ask them something other than the usual, “How are you today?” questions (because frankly, that’s a useless question because the “right” answer is always, “OK” and she is NOT OK.)
Examples:
“Are there any memories that are especially hard for you right now?”
“How has the Lord been comforting you today?”
“Have you remembered anything about [her child's name (see #10)] that has made you smile today?”
8. Listen to what information she does offer and brainstorm what you can do to help based on that information. Stress makes me feel like I need to control something and the first thing I always want to control is the clutter in my house. I had several friends who came to help me declutter for an afternoon here and there. Doing this made me feel as though I had accomplished something and I even managed to hold a normal conversation for an hour or so. (There will come a time when she will want to feel somewhat normal.)
Examples:
*Is she worried about all the Thank You’s?…Buy stamps and offer to help her address (not write!) them.
*Is she having trouble focusing on what needs to be done during the day?…Ask her if you can call her at 10 am every day to help her think through lunch and supper and one thing she can focus on doing
that day.
*Is she worried about homeschooling the other children?…Grab some great educational videos or some of those neat educational bookbags from the library and help ease her mind.
9. Work behind the scenes. She doesn’t need to know or even notice what you’ve done for her. This is true giving of yourself.
Examples:
*Organize the meals that will be brought in (don’t just assume this is being done).
*Come over while her house is overtaken with company and tidy her kitchen and clean her bathrooms.
*Give a memorial in her child’s name.
Corinthians 2:3,4
Thank you so much for this post. I’m one of those people who over-analyzes everything and I almost don’t know what to say or write to the extent that it paralyzes me. I’ve been needing to write a card to the mother of a friend who just lost a daughter to cancer. I’ve been so paralyzed because nothing that I can think of to say is adequate. I have been remembering her daughter, though I didn’t know her well(she was the older sister of a friend of mine). I thought I would write some of my memories of her since I know this large family loves telling stories and remembering the good times. I’m so glad you said that you do like people to remember Emily and say her name. Thank you again. I’m so sorry for your great loss and am amazed by your strength and ministry to others. It’s a testimony to the grace of God and the strength of Christ in your life. Thank you again.
Great post~
Very helpful!
Blessings,HUGS and Love,
Georgiann
Thank you for this post. We have a friend who has been pregnana and miscarried twice this year. I always wonder what to say or do for her. You are amazing.
Thank you so much for this post….I have a friend who lost her husband this summer and I have wondered many times what to do or say….this has helped me so much.
Amy,
I loved this list and it will really help if I should find myself dealing with this situation. Too often most people are genuinely concerned but don’t know what to do or say for fear of saying the wrong thing and then do nothing.
This is a valuable post!
Love and Hugs ~ Kat
A very good list of things. I wish i had people around me that had read that list. So many, she is in a better place. You need to snap out of it. What i really wish for is someone to ask me how im doing and really want the answer, yes he may have been 11 months since i lost my daughter but the pain is still there.
What a GREAT post! I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who DIDN’T want anyone to take my kids after my miscarriages or my stillbirth. I didn’t want my other kids out of my sight, but people thought taking them and giving me “peace and quiet” would be good. I didn’t want to be alone!
Your blog is so very encouraging to me. I included you in a “Lovely Blog Award” at my blog (www.homewithpurpose.blogspot.com). Thanks for sharing so openly.
#10 is the one I was hoping to see on your list. That is something my mother in law told me after my husband’s brother died. I just assumed for some reason that I shouldn’t bring him up a lot. Now that I know better I call her sometimes and say, “I was just thinking about that time that Danny…” It is hard to bring it up because she ends up crying. However, she thinks about him all the time anyway and it makes sense that it comforts her to know others think of him as well. Especially around holidays, the worst thing we can do is avoid talking about him.
I’m so glad you shared this insight with the readers here! Thank you for this post.
I’m sure that will be super helpful to many people. Good job putting it together.
Spot on Amy! That list is soooo essential I wish everyone could read it and remember what to do and what NOT to do.
AMEN to the ‘not taking the kids away’ one. I’m not sure why people think it is good to take all your kids away from you??? Besides the fact that most of the time the kids said more helpful things than the adults!
) – Deedee
What a great list to help the grieving. I read Emily’s story and I wept. We lost a baby boy at birth seven years ago. I had such a hard time handing his little body over to someone I didn’t know too. It just felt wrong.
Thanks for sharing your story. I also have 2 littles ones in heaven (both 12 week miscarriages). I look forward to reading more
)
Thank you for the loving and sage advice!! It is difficult to know what to do to help someone who is grieving. As you said, there is nothing that you can do to take away the pain – but you sure wish you could. Your wisdom will help guide me the next time I am faced with this difficult situation.
Blessings,
Katherine
I like the vulnerability and the practical wisdom of this post. Thanks for helping us all be better friends to those who grieve.
Dear Amy, this is a wonderful list of very useful advice indeed.
I felt especially connected to the part about daring to mention the deceased child’s name.
10 years ago, we lost our twin boys (they were 20mo) and what I remember clearly is how people seemed to think I wasn’t doing ok because I kept talking about them all the time. As if they thought I was in denial or something. But to me, it was nothing different than refering to any other child, parents always refer to their children, what they liked, did, said that was funny or whatever.
But it is indeed a huge misunderstanding that it’s best not bring up the subject or mention the child. It’s probably quite the contrary to most grieving mom’s – particularly in the beginning.
Peace in Christ, Mette
Thank you for this. I will really try remember all your points as I spend time with my sister-in-law who just lost their daugther.
I had a friend that mentioned her sister sent birthday cards for her late son every year just so she would know that they would never forget him. So I added my niece to my birthday calendar as well. We will never forget her.
This was such a helpful post! I hate not knowing what to do or say when others are suffering! Thank you for using your own grief as a springboard for helping others!
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This was so great – thank you.
Wow. This was so amazingly helpful. Thank you for being so honest. I will try and remember this in the future.
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Thank you for this post. I am posting a link to it on FB so that more folks will be prepared to minister (in a helpful way) when a friend is grieving. We too are QF and have 3 children awaiting us in heaven. I found your blog through my friend’s blog (Raising Olives).
Thank you for sharing your experiences with losing Emily. I have an adopted child that was born w/in a few months of her birthdate. (We only have a few children b/c we have faced yrs of infertility.) Do you find yourself reaching out and touching children (like a pat on the head) around the age of the child you lost? I sometimes do because I am thinking, “Oh, this is the size my child would be now if she/he were still alive.”
I have a very good friend who’s twins are just 6 wks younger than Emmy would have been. I stare at them a lot…memorizing how they move and look. It is a good reminder to me that children do grow up. For a long time I struggled with feeling as though children just don’t grow up…especially those who face adversity.
Thank you so much for linking to me and reading about our precious Emily. Many blessings to you on this journey.