She scoops him up her arms with a smile and kiss. He pulls her hair and she laughs.
They talk through the darkness about how the guy who was given grasshoppers as an ingredient on Iron Chef really got a bum deal and shouldn’t have been kicked off. Then they come up with their own grasshopper-laden recipes just in case they’re ever in the same position.
He dresses his little brother up in his old Cub Scout gear and talks excitedly about how when little brother is old enough, big brother will be his den leader. Eight years age difference is no difference at all.
If I threw the word
out there, what words would pop in your head?
Does that word bring anything pleasant to mind for 99.9% of families?
Not really.
Yet, what I just described to you comes directly from the pages of my children’s lives. I didn’t make those scenarios up, and if you ask, I could come up with a hundred more just like that.
And to a lot of people out there,
When I was in school, there was a family who was thought of as “weird.” They were a sibling group of 4 who would hold hands, talk excitedly to each other in classes, and hug as they passed in the hallway. They always said they loved each other and they never cut each other down. They were just so weird.
Then I grew up and had a family of my own and I found myself looking back on that sibling group and hoping my children would be that “weird” someday.
And they are.
Was it accidental? Not really.
Was there something I did that magically turned them into friends overnight? Not really.
My siblings are all much older than me, so I never really saw what a true sibling relationship looked like from the inside. But what always intrigued me most about large families (before I actually had one) was the relationships between the siblings. Some sibs seemed to have nothing but fondness for each other while other families lived each day as a battle.
Why the difference?
Well, you could argue homeschooled versus non-homeschooled and have a fairly sound case, but we all know homeschooled families who’s children fight to the death every single day just as we all know non-homeschooled families who truly enjoy each other’s company.
But as a whole, homeschooled siblings have better relationships within the family unit than non-homeschooled siblings, so there must be something at work that can be applied across the board.
The thread I see holding together these sibling relationships (homeschooled and non-homeschooled alike) is that the primary socialization of the child takes place within the family unit. If nothing else, this type of socialization is easier for the homeschooled family to achieve. When the siblings are in each other’s company 24/7, it naturally lends itself to a fostering of that relationship. Non-homeschooled families must work a bit harder to keep the family unit in tact, but it is not impossible.
However, proximity doesn’t cause closeness between siblings all by itself. There is much more at work that is often a direct effect of the choices we as parents make for the family.
Here are a few that come to mind:
Does the family try to limit activities that separate the family unit?
Of those activities that do separate the family unit, does the rest of the family support the activity as a whole group? Meaning do they attend recitals or competitions as a family and cheer on the participating member?
Is the household a joyful place to be? A haven from the world?
Do the parents encourage and protect the sibling relationship or do they allow behaviors that tear apart siblings…tattling, selfishness, bragging, etc?
Do the parents themselves find joy in being around their children? Children very quickly pick up on the parent’s attitudes toward the children and follow suit. If there is a child in the family who irritates one of the parents and that parent isn’t discreet about their mutterings concerning said child, the other siblings will pick up on this attitude and begin to mimic the parent’s attitude.
Does the family have a purpose, a vision, as a family unit? (Read Jumping Ship by Michael Pearl for more on this.)
No, my children are not perfect and fights do break out, but there is no doubt they love each other dearly. They truly miss each other when one is not there, and when someone has been gone longer than a few hours, they spend hours “catching up”. I love it!
Take a moment today to watch your children interact. What does it look like? If it’s not what you would hope for, then what can you do to foster a better relationship? Children who actually like each other truly are a blessing on so many levels…I pray that all of you might experience this kind of joy within your home!
(Looking for more ideas on raising children who actually like each other? Check out Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends
by the Mally Family.)
I’ve noticed a positive change in my girls since they started homeschooling together. At first there were lots of requests for play dates, now not so much. They play very well together and when they sleep somewhere other than their room, like on a sofa, they like to sleep together end to end. I’ve also noticed our oldest son and daughter playing really well together. I agree that homeschooling helps a lot! My kids swim and we all go to practice together and to meets together. I think activities they do together makes a difference, too. This is a great topic. I’d like to learn more tips on how to help foster strong sibling bonds.
Amy,
What an insightful post! I have a lot to learn to get my kids to get along. One lived 3000 miles from the other and therefore never got that bonding opportunity with our oldest until a few years ago. However, I agree with you that we need to all unite as a family more and do more family things together before they are all gone and on their own.
Love and Hugs ~ Kat
Amy, I just had a friend keep 3 of my boys overniight to play w/hers and she asked me the next day, do your boys always play sooo good together? And I thought for a moment and answered, Yea they do!! I guess I never really thought about it before. But especially considering they spend 24/7 together, they get along very well! I also wittnessed just last night how well my teens get along. Brit broke up a almost 2 year relationship w/her boyfriend last night. When she came home in tears sharing how “well” it went, my 16 yo son gave her a hug and told her how much he loved her! He then spent the rest of the evening acting really dorky trying to cheer her up! They have always been best friends! I like to credit alot of it to homeschooling, but I think your right, there’s alot more to it then that! I just thank God that whatever it is, it’s happening in our house! Can you imagine how stressfull a house of 8 would be if everyone fought all the time!!
God has truely blessed us!
Candi
Yes I can imagine a house of 8 not getting along. I am living it. I am very convicted after reading this as I see so clearly my struggle with one child has so completely destroyed relationships within my home. Praise God for this post, back in Oct 2009. God used it in my heart today!
I will be praying for you…even though my children get along quite well, we still have our moments. Think of it as opportunities to train and try not to take it personally when they argue. These are the two things I tell myself over and over. Plus, the Bible does tell us foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child…
Many blessings to you!
Amy,
I just had someone at church marveling how well even our dc who are so far apart in age get along. Recently we went to a fall festival. My dc were the only ones running around holding hands. I am so thankful they have their very best friends living right here at home!
Your part about how a parent is reacting to a certain child in certain situatons convicted me particularly tonight. Need to pay more careful attention there.
This is why I love reading your blog
. Iron sharpens iron!
Blessings my friend!
Tina
Oh, thanks for mentioning my blogpost as a jewel yesterday.
You blessed my day.
Like Candi, we have people ask us if our kids always play so well together. The answer is yes, mostly. While they have their tussles, they truly love each other and want the best for each other. I think a lot of it has to do with training them to put others before themselves. And seeing Mom and Dad put that into action!
I enjoy seeing our children play together. Nothing sweeter than hearing little giggles shared between two sisters playing : ) Thanks for the post and tips!
I’ve been thinking this over for four days now, can’t even concentrate properly on your following posts- which may explain why I can’t find the Fall Planning Sheets on Finer Things! I have two boys who are in the midst of a shockingly aggressive retaliation stage. Wearing and worrying both. You really do feed my mind and soul!
I didn’t feel close to my siblings until I was nearly an adult. WAY to in to my activities and friends.
My children get along great now… and we’re taking measures to keep those relationships strong!
My brother and I were the “weird” kids as well! We DID battle and draw blood from time to time, but for the most part we were, and still are, best friends.
Thank you for this fresh look at the sibling relationship! We have a 12 month old and just learned #2 is coming in June so we definitely want to knit these two together in friendship!
Good post! I hope I help foster such great relationships with my kids. It brings joy to my heart when I see Karrots sharing with or playing with Rusty!
I read your blog regularly and always enjoy it. I “make” my kids share a room- 2 boys in one and 2 girls in another. When I was growing up, my brother and sister and I each had our own room, own friends, own life. We didn’t fight but we didn’t know each other either. I take conscious steps to make sure my kids know and rely on each other. When I’m gone, they’ll have each other.
I watch my daughter helping my son all the time (though sometimes he doesn’t want it, lol, he’s only 11 months). But they are very concerned about each other, they love to play. He follows her around and she lets him play, she doesn’t push him away (usually). It’s wonderful!