The path of grief is never easy. Its rocks and craggy places stumble you when you least expect it. Perhaps you hear something or smell something or remember something…
and you trip.
I’ve written before about how much comfort it brings me to walk cemeteries and read the headstones of children who died before their parents, and then to read their parent’s headstones and see that they continued to live and did not succumb to their wounded hearts. When I read these markers of past lives, I feel less alone. I do not feel like the only woman who has ever lost a child.
Grief has a way of consuming us.
The telemarketer who calls and asks for a donation for children’s hospice because “this may be their last Christmas” doesn’t realize how those words cut me to core. The teenager recounting how “fun” the haunted house with the “coffin ride” was doesn’t have a clue how un-fun coffins really are.
I could easily make this all about me. I could easily let my grief define me. I could easily shout at people, “My daughter died! What serious thing have YOU endured???”
But that would mean I’ve allowed the jagged rocks and gnarly roots to take hold of me. It would mean I could never reach back to someone behind me because this path would ALWAYS be about me.
Ahead of our family walked another family. A family who reached out to us when we could do nothing but stand in the middle of the path and cry for mercy. They took our hands and guided us through our first steps. They did not leave us alone to find our own way. They did not allow their own grief to hinder them from helping us.
In many ways, their path seemed even more treacherous than ours…they were walking for three children. Yet they were not entangled by brambles and branches. Yes, they were bruised and scarred…there is no way around that part of this path. But it was because of their pain that we were able to be comforted by them. They knew our pain. They were living it too. They were just ahead of us on their journey.
If you are the friend of a grieving parent, read this and love them through this pain; but if you’ve not been there yourself, don’t give advice…pray for someone who can. If you are a grieving parent, don’t let hopelessness entangle you and keep you standing in a quagmire of self-pity. If you are new to this road, pray the Lord sends you someone who walks ahead of you…someone who knows your pain and doesn’t mind getting dirty. And someday, be the one who walks ahead and reaches back to help another gain a foothold.
I encourage you to take a moment to visit Lynnette Kraft’s site and purchase a book from her where you can learn more about how a family could lose three children and not lose their joy.
Amy, though this is not about losing a child, (though I have lost one in pregnancy), I can feel strong emotions about my childhood. I grew up in a very verbally abusive household, where I lived daily in fear of my father. It has taken my lifetime to recover, and still have scars (emotionally). I sometimes feel bitterness rise in me when it seems someone else has led a “perfect” life – with a loving family. Then I realize, that we all suffer pain in many ways, and we never know what the future holds for us or them. I know this is not the same at all, it just made me think of the bitterness that can creep into me also.
Jay, I’m not finding that particular movie. At least not under that title. Have a link you could share?
Thanks,
Amy
My wife and I saw an amazing movie on grief recently–I had seen it originally 5 years ago and put it on my top 3 all time movie list: In America.
This is a profoundly powerful and deep movie of how families process and handle the loss of a child–each family member does so in their own way on their own timing (dealing with the grief).
There is one sexy scene in between husband and wife but pretty sure there was no nudity.
I’ll never forget seeing it in th theater. Nobody got up when the movie was done. Nobody said a word for 10 minutes in the entire theater. Everybody just needed to digest and come to terms with such a moving experience….
In America (same director of My Left Foot)
What I love about the blogging world is how we all go through life experiences and can write about them. It helps us through our own grieving and also allows us to extend that hand, that say’s I know how you feel, and help others along who might otherwise feel lost and abandoned. This post will help so many find joy and hope once more.
Love and Hugs ~ Kat
This is a lovely post Amy…I am sure it will be a blessing to many. God is all sufficient and will provide the needed grace for whatever we are called to go through…for HIS GLORY! God then allows us to be a blessing to others…how wonderful is that? To be used by HIM…we are blessed!
In His Love,
Camille
Michelle,
I remember quite clearly the restroom break at McDonald’s on our way home after Emmy’s death (it was a 2 hr drive to get home). My life had just stopped and everyone was in there eating and talking and living. Then I saw a man being rough with his daughters as they were leaving and I almost grabbed him and yelled at him, but then he softened towards them and I walked away. It hurt so bad to see people be normal.
Blessings to you and all the grieving mothers out there,
Amy
One of the most comforting things I ever did for myself after losing my son, was console another grieving mother who’d just lost her baby.
I remember feeling totally shocked at how the world seemed to keep going when I’d leave the hospital in the days leading up to my son’s death. My entire world had stopped. Yet, everyone else seemed to not recognize how the earth was off balance.
Life does go one as your post so beautifully recognized. I pray your pain and grief will lessen each and every day as you take comfort in knowing your daughter is happy and with the King.
Blessgings,
Michelle
http://www.thinkingchristianfamily.blogspot.com
Amy this is the movie…I’m just posting the link, so you might want to check it as I don’t know anything more about it than what was posted.
http://www.foxsearchlight.com/inamerica/
Thank you for sharing your beautiful words.
Kristy,
I agree. Any event in our lives that is traumatic can leave us “stuck”. Yes, we all need time to heal and be the one in need, but if we never step foot outside our own pain in order to help another, we are not doing the Lord’s will. There is ALWAYS someone else on the path behind us who could use our understanding of the road ahead.
Blessings to you,
Amy
Thank you for sharing this. We lost a baby boy that we were adopting just over a year ago. I was at his birth, but he was stillborn. I was alone because my husband couldn’t make it there. You don’t know that I have been reading your blog for over 2 years (even before our loss)…yet you have blessed me beyond words and encouraged my heart.
It has been a long road…even for our other 5 children. Thank you loving others….even though you may not know it!
Praying for you tonight. Beautiful post.
Pam
I just read your story about your precious daughter…. such pain and loss, such love! My best friend lost her daughter without warning and I wish I had known better how to help her. Your words were such a blessing. I pray the Lord continues to bless you and heal you.
Patricia