Four years ago.

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Emily December 2007

I asked Ty one day if I would ever stop missing her.

And as I sit here still waiting to miscarry, other thoughts plague me.  When I wrote Enjoying YOUR Quiverfull, it was something I needed to hear.  I still need to hear it.  I still find myself wanting more children in an unhealthy way.  A way that seeks to “replace” the one I lost.

Because I never will stop missing her.

And I will NEVER have the right amount of children. (<— and that post still makes me cry)

And truthfully, I don’t feel like a large family.  I am facing my second miscarriage in a row and I wonder if the Lord will ever bless again and I know I can never bring the one back that would bring my number of living children to 7 (which somehow sounds so much “larger” than 6) and I wonder am *I* enjoying MY Quiverfull?  And do I have any validity when it comes to talking about being a large family.  There are multitudes out there with many, many more children than I have who could give you much better advice on running a large family household.  Who am I?  But, there I go again…playing the numbers game.

It’s been a rough few months leading up to the 4th anniversary of Emily’s passing.  Some days I am an emotional train wreck.  (I can say that and know that you will all still love me.)  But, the moments of wreckage come and go and for the most part, I am fully sane and mostly functioning (although the pregnancy hormones have done a number on my sacroiliac joint and my blood sugar).

And I refuse to live a life of wreckage.

Emily’s life and death are not the end.  Everything that happens to me while on this earth is not the end.  It makes no sense as a Christian to spend my life looking back and considering all that is behind me as wreckage.  All that is behind me has created the path that is before me.  And it is a good path…God says so.

I just have to keep walking.

101 Comments on Four years ago.

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101 thoughts on “Four years ago.

  1. Thinking of you and your family today and remembering Emily. Like we’re encouraged in Hebrew 12, “…let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith”, I pray that you will be strengthened as you do.

  2. Thinking of you and your family. Sometimes it is so hard to pick up and move on just enought to function and take care of the basics. Praying for comfort in the upcoming days. Take care :)

  3. After reading this post, I just reread Emily’s Story. Bless you! I’m praying for you and your family through tears. I’m encouraged and inspired to join you in making sure to enjoy my quiverfull — with each day that we are given. Bless you!

  4. Love you to, sweet lady. I cannot imagine how you will never not miss her until the day you are together again.

    I have no more words..only my hugs, sent via cyberspace, and prayers that you feel her near.

  5. Have you heard of that book where the little boy went to heaven and then told his parents all about it? Among other things he told his mom that she had 3 not 2 children. The 3rd one was a miscarriage that the little boys’ parents had never told him about and she was a little girl in heaven without a name because the parents the hadn’t named her. When you get to heaven you will be with Emily and with all the other babies you didn’t get to know. As a Catholic, I believe I can talk to deceased family members including the baby that was a miscarriage and that they can pray for us. I pray you could believe that, too. I think it would help.

  6. Having struggled for years with infertility I too have had the feeling that our family will never have the right amount of children. We have adopted two, and are in the process of adopting two more, and I never can entirely feel like we are “done”. Sometimes I think your loss of Emily, and my loss of fertility has a similar purpose. To make us truly long for heaven. Thoughts and prayers coming your way today!!!

  7. My heart goes out to you! This post is heart wrenching to read and to try to imagine your grief. I have never lost a child that was born; although, I did have a few miscarriages. Even though those were painful, they are Nothing in comparison to losing a child you have held and loved! I know that time will lessen your pain somewhat and that God will comfort and sustain you, even in the very hard days. also, I know that these painful stumbling stones are stepping stones to your future and your ministry. God is and will use your suffering to minister to others and to chisel you into the precious gem He has designed you to become! May you FEEL HIs LOVE today!

  8. I am so, deeply sorry for the loss of Emily. She was a beautiful little girl. Oh those eyes! I’m also very sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I’ve experienced 3 myself and it’s never easy. I have a 5, 4 and 23 month old. My husban and I just recently found out that we are expecting triplets. I have been asking God so many questions. I am overcome with fear that I will lose one or all 3. But I know, God is in control. He did not give me a spirit of fear. This summer we could go from having 3 to 6 kids. Again, fear overwhelms me. “Can I do this? God I’m not a good enough mom!!” But I find He gives us just what we need for today….and today only. I pray that the good Lord is not done with growing your family. I haven’t been following you long…but you sound like an amazing mother and I plan on learning A LOT from you! You are in my thoughts and in my prayers.

  9. I am going through my fifth miscarraige at the moment too. It took a week from knowing to happening.
    I’m so sorry for your pain.
    I keep seeing my age go up and up and the babies not making it to term. I have five healthy sons. but I am always longing for more children. To try to ‘make up’ for the ones I have lost, like you said and that just wont happen.
    I know I need to get my focus right. Concentrate on what I have now.
    Again, I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious little girl. She was so beautiful.

  10. Your post brings tears to my eyes this morning…I know the pain involved in losing my only daughter, Zuriel, at 40 weeks and 4 days into my pregnancy, how it’s constantly there on some level. I can only imagine how much more piercing that pain can become when you’re feeling the longing and loss involved with your seven month old daughter. Your words hit a little too close to home, because I feel so much the same deep in my heart where I try not to let anyone in. I “only” have five children and I just can’t imagine being done with my childbearing years yet because my heart still longs for more. Dare I speak the words…in the darkest moments, there’s almost a sense of owing when I talk to the Lord…pleading, But Lord you blessed Job with children after the others were taken…can’t I have just one more living child? Or two? Or six? *wry smile* Why can’t I just be grateful for the incredible blessings I have?! While I would love another daughter in my heart of hearts – one to raise here on earth, to be able to use those four bags of clothes up in the attic with tags still attached – after a 21 week stillbirth, followed by another pregnancy eight weeks later and then losing her at full term in a horrific, emergency sort of delivery…all I want is a living, breathing child placed into my arms that I get to take home. I’m having to make it a point and my focus to enjoy the moments that I’ve been given with my sons that I have been so greatly blessed with and just remember my almost three year old “baby” may be the last child I change diapers on, or snuggle before laying in his crib at night. Choosing to cherish the here and now rather than mourn the lost hopes that died with my daughter is so hard some days though…thank you for your words reminding me that I’m not alone in my struggle. Remembering Emmy with you today especially…

    • Val – I think of you often. I know our struggles are similar…longing for what was and what we thought would be. {hugs} to you, my dear friend.

  11. I will be praying for you today, I’ve never lost a living child the way you have, but I have lost 2 through miscarriage. In fact, we’re doing a series on that this week at Hidden Treasures with several guest posters and myself. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write about and the first one was over 10 years ago. {The story of my own posted yesterday} I understand the feeling of not having enough children. And I understand that with the birth of each child, you STILL don’t feel like you have enough, because, in my case, those 2 will always be missing. But God is good and that is why I decided to share this “God’s Grace Through Miscarriage”.

    Also ~ I’ve been wondering if you’d care if I linked over to your “She Wears Skirts” post one day in March? I have a series that I think post would fit nicely in. It’s a great one!!

    Praying for you today, Angela

  12. I am in tears. Thank you again for always sharing your heart. Yesterday marked the 6 month mark of my daughters passing and it is just so hard. You are in my thoughts and prayers, sweet mama.

  13. After we ‘lost’ a child and all of a sudden I only had 4 children, I had the EXACT same thoughts and feelings that you have had. Over these last years, it has helped me tremendously to know that those thoughts and feelings are shared by MANY moms who have suffered great losses. I hope that knowing that helps you. You are not alone. There are many of us out here who can feel at least a part of your pain, and will pray for you on this journey…… until we are on the ‘other side’ where there will be no more tears!

    • Bonni, I used to walk the cemetery where Emily is buried and look for the headstones of babies next to their parents. It made me feel less alone as you said. Definitely looking forward to that glorious day!

  14. No, you’ll never stop missing her nor will you ever be able to replace her, but God is still in control even when we can’t make sense of certain things.

    I lost two of mine, Amy.

    Thank you for your honesty.

  15. I am so sorry for your loss. Your faith in God and your reliance on Him have been an encouragement to me. I have suffered three miscarriages myself and know how hard they are: physically, emotionally, spiritually. I also understand the desire to have more for unhealthy reasons. Keep relying on Him.
    As to having a large family….in today’s society…more than two apparently constitutes a large family…so you’re good to go:)
    May God grant you wisdom through the varied emotions creeping around your head. Keep up the God work.

  16. Oh Amy I needed this blog post today. As I recover from the loss of our baby in December at 15 weeks gestation, I can identify with wanting another child in an unhealthy way. In some ways I thought that I was okay with trusting God with our family size, but only if I am able to have more children, not if He decides we are done. I struggle with full surrender and resting in God. (We just experienced a miscarriage this week). I thank you though, for sharing your story and your grief with us. It helps me not feel so alone.

    I don’t have words that will bring comfort but I am praying for you this morning.

  17. I wish I could say something profound that would just put a band-aid on your grief. I know first hand how painful miscarriages are, I couldn’t imagine going through one after I’d lost an older baby. I’m so sorry that you need to ask questions like this. I’m just so sorry that any mother would have to suffer the losses that you have. Know every time I read a post about your grief I pray for you. And though we’ve never met in the real world my heart aches for you, and in a way I love you.

    I love you and every mother that has suffered like this. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and just let you cry. I wish somehow I could help more than just this comment. I am praying that someone holds you when you need it. I’m praying a flesh and blood friend says the right thing at the right time. You are loved, and you are a blessing.

  18. Praying for you today. You’ve been on my mind a lot this morning and now I understand why. I can so *get* how it would be easy to almost feel like a new baby would BE you baby! I can’t make words make that last statement make sense the way it does in my head, but hopefully you will understand what I am trying to say. I can only imagine what you must be feeling. (((hugs)))

  19. {{{{hugs}}} March 22nd will be 14 years since we lost our son Zachary. It does get a bit easier in time, but some years surprise me and the hurt is fresh again. Even though one child never replaces another, and I’ve had 3 more children since we lost Zak, I still feel like someone is missing. :*(

  20. I read your post with tears, as it hits so close to home. I too long for those that I miss, which are now 4. I lost my twin girls at 21 weeks pregnant almost 7 years ago. And then I lost in Dec. 2010 after only 9 weeks, and I lost just recently at 18 weeks. My heart longs to be with them and feel as though my family is complete. And now I fear that the one precious blessing I do have here on earth will be my only one here on earth. I just long to be in heaven with them. Thank you so much for the reminder and for your devotion. It is really helping me as I go through this again. I pray God will be with you in a very special way as you go through this again.

  21. Sometimes it is easy to feel like you are the only one in the world going through the pain and longing of desperately wanting your precious child back.. I know that feeling. My only daughter passed away at 3 months old, and this year marks four years for her birthday in March and her passing in July. I have four sons, and sometimes feel a little crazy wanting so bad to hold and raise a daughter but never knowing if I will be granted my request. But through all my longing and questions, one truth stands out in my mind (this has been a stabilizing truth for me time and time again when my own head tries to convince me I can’t handle it anymore): He hath done all things well. May God grant you the peace of always believing that.

  22. Amy, you are in my prayers-thank you for sharing life’s joys and sorrows-yet always pointing to the love and grace of our Father

  23. Amy, first of all, I’m so sorry. BIG HUGS. You are on my heart and will be in my prayers. I teared up when I read this a few hours ago. I can relate to you on so many levels, and what you have written. WhenI get a chance, I will email you privately and share some of my thoughts. You are NOT alone! Cling to Jesus.

    Proverbs 3:5-6

  24. We don’t know each other, but it doesn’t matter. We are both mothers and this mother’s heart is hurting right along with yours for what you have had to endure. May continue to be your strength. Sending you one big hug!
    Terry Claxton

  25. Oh Amy.
    I’m so sorry for your hurting heart this morning.
    Sorry for the pain that resurfaces, but also thankful for the way that kind of sorrow keeps her memories close and so alive. Emily is precious. I’m thankful you share these days with us…
    So much of this hits home…
    And I love what you wrote at the end.
    It’s so true…….walking… clinging to Him and who you trust He is.
    And I so understand what you wrote about it…always feeling like the *wrong* number of kiddos.
    Emily is beautiful…and I know *this day* (and probably all the days surrounding it) will always bring back a flood of memories, but thank you for sharing you heart and your sweet little one this morning…
    This shared heartache always make me care about you and your family in such a deep way. Praying for the heaviness to lift and for eternity-hope to fill your heart this morning. Love your friend.

  26. I love that every time I visit your blog, I know I’m being allowed a glimpse of your true thoughts. Genuine joy and genuine sorrow. My heart hurts for yours when I read of the losses you’re experiencing. And yet, I’m so encouraged by your closing thoughts. “All that is behind me has created the path that is before me. And it is a good path…God says so.” My prayers are with you for peace and strength. And I hope you know how encouraging you are to me- a mother of two (and one on the way) as I try to remember that none of this is guaranteed. As I’m sure you’re an encouragement to anyone who reads your blog.

  27. Thank you for sharing your heart with us again and your memories of your beautiful little girl. Thank you for all your encouragement to us mothers and praying for comfort for you and the family at this time.

  28. (((Amy))) I’m so sorry, its hard to believe its been 4 years, though I’m sure not for you I think of Emily and you often. Praying for you dear one!

  29. You are a brave and strong woman!! You may not “feel” like it right now but that is the reality of who you are! I can see it clearly! There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel. We can’t suppress what is real. But the beautiful thing about you is that you know that there is greater to come. Again, you may not “feel” like it right now, but it is the REALITY!

  30. (((Amy))) I ‘remember’ from Momys when precious Emily went to be with Jesus. I think of you and her often. Praying for you dear sister!

  31. Thinking of you and your family. Sending lots of prayers and hugs your way. Even though your words are filled with sadness, they are also filled with encouragement, inspiration and hope.

  32. For some reason Lydia looked up your blog this morning, Amy, –and passed the link on to me. I so appreciate your transparent heart and marvel at the work the Lord has done in and through you and your family since we first met you how ever many years ago. Maybe 6? I feel out of touch with all your “daily happenings” –I could help that myself by reading your blog faithfully :)
    Anyway, I’m thinking about you and will be praying for you today…that you may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:16)
    Send me your new address and phone sometime.

  33. Peace, comfort, love and a great big hug to you, mama. You are in my prayers. I miscarried 2 children and your post today really resonates with me. Take care of yourself. Cheryl

  34. May the LORD comfort you Amy with His peace that surpasses all understanding. You are an awesome inspiration to others. Hugs and prayers <3

  35. Just thinking about you and lifting you up now. How like our God who IS good to surround you with the prayers of those who know you, as well of those of us who are not as blessed to know and love you personally. He is present to walk you still through this dark valley and one day come to a place where you can see the beauty He will bring from these ashes. I am SO sorry for your pain. My heart is broken for you and your family.

  36. was thinking ofyou this morning, remembering Emily. So sorry to hear of your misscarriages. i remember having mine, and you comforting me. haden’t really thought about mine for some time. right before jacob passed, he was at our house for a couple days. wrestling and rough housing with the boys. kendall said after he passed, i bet he’s playing with the wilson babies in heaven now. and i bet he’s playing with yours too! love you and praying for you!

  37. If I could come give you a big hug and offer to help with things around the house to give you some time off I would. Praying for you!!

  38. What a beautiful baby. Tears, hugs and prayers for you, Amy…THANK YOU for sharing her with us and sharing your pain and struggles. PLEASE know that you are an encouragement and an inspiration and I have gleaned so much from you. I can honestly say you have helped me to enjoy my small quiverfull of four and two in heaven. After the loss of two pregnancies I know the pain that stays with you. I have never lost a child though and I cannot fathom your grief. My heart breaks for you and your family. Thank the LORD that he has given us heaven where our families will be whole and complete one day. Oh, Jesus COME SOON….

  39. Amy,
    I am so sorry for the losses you have had to endure. Thank you so much for ministering to us through your pain and with your honesty. Your;s and Emily’s life has touched my family in a very deep way, thank you for sharing her with us.

    I don’t know if you remember me, but I e-mailed you in August when my 6 month old son had just be heart-flighted to a larger hospital in our area, in critical condition with spinal meningitis. I wrote you from a waiting room while my son laid in the PICU and we weren’t sure he would survive. And if he did survive what kind of neurological damage he would have to endure. You were so gracious to write back and to encourage me and say you were praying. I wanted to write to you today because, today is our little guy’s 1st birthday! We will never know, this side of heaven, why God’s providence allows for miraculous healing as he has done in our boy. ( he has been completely healed and has none of the delays or brain damage or hearing loss, the doctors were expecting, praise God), and allow for another little one’s life to be so short. I do believe that a miracle has taken place, either way, even in the death of our little one’s, in that we have the promise of eternity with them ,through the grace of Jesus Christ!

    I wanted to comment today, because I somehow feel connected to you in that we share this sacred day on the calender of life, I just wish it wasn’t in a way that brought so much pain to your mama’s heart. Please know that even though I only know you through cyberspace, I do love you as a sister in Christ and think of you often and pray for you….especially today!

    • Wow, Bonnie! I do remember quite well! What a blessing…hug that little guy for me today! I told someone just this morning, there is purpose in Emily’s death just as there is purpose in your life…just as there is purpose in your son’s life. :)

  40. I am praying for your comfort. I know with 5 children with me and two in heaven I still so badly want more. That simply is not a option. After the last preg. and much trouble I can no longer carry a child. It still hurts not having the option. We always said we would let God choose the size of our family, but I want so much more for more. I never though he would limit the number, more that he would send more than we could handle:)

  41. Oh how I can relate to this post. I have never lost a child that I held in my arms and loved up close and personal and cannot even imagine the grief. My heart hurts for you. I have lost eight babies in the womb now, though by God’s grace I have seven others here with me. In this culture, seven sounds like so many. And most people cannot understand why I would want more or want to continue to put myself through this. However, as I look around, I still feel that others are missing. Whether they are the ones we’ve lost or ones to come, I am not sure. I pray God’s comfort over you during this season. May the Lord help you grieve, heal, love, and press on.

  42. I said a prayer for you this morning…it must be difficult, I can’t imagine! I was never able to bear children, so I grieved in my own way, but, became a mother when we adopted two children from Russia.

    But, God does have a plan of each of us…and our children. You are right…we must keep on walking on God’s path and in His will. He knows so much more about the future than we do, so, we must put our lives and loves in His hands.

    Blessings and grace for you today…even in your waiting.

  43. Love you so much, thankful for your sharing your heart honestly. I so look up to you! It isn’t a numbers game, you are my large family hero :0) Praying for you to feel the nearness and love of our heavenly father. He loves you so much! Oh how he loves us.

  44. I feel your pain. I too have suffered two miscarriages. I have four living children. Soon to be 7, 4 1/2, 3 and 17months. While reading this story I felt like I should tell you that one day you (and I) will one day have are large families when we are were there is no more pain, no more suffering, no tears. God is Good. Be blessed my dear. I also have been wondering and knowing that I am not enjoying my quiver full as I should be. You will be in my prayers. Tonja

    • I also want to let you know that right now I am going through down sizing my children’s clothing. Trying to adopt a system similar to yours……….. I would like to thank all the ladies that have commented on this post you have also spoke into my heart words that I need to here. Thank you.

  45. ((((((((((Hugs Amy)))))) As I was lying down to take a nap today, I remembered what day today was. I laid there thinking about and remembering your sweet Emmy as I drifted off to sleep. I am so very sorry that things are so hard right now. I will be continuing to pray that God will carry you through this hard time.

    Love you!
    Mandy S.

  46. Amy, I cannot tell you how much this post blesses my heart. I came to your blog just this past July, after our 7th child, our precious Elijah Samuel, was delivered stillborn, at 41 weeks. I couldn’t read most of your posts on losing Emily right at first; it took me a while. I’m not even a year away from our loss yet, and I must say, I often find myself thinking exactly the way you’ve described- I just want a baby! But really, I just want MY baby, Yes, we too are tremendously blessed, and I don’t ever want to lose sight of that and begin to fixate on just the loss. I’m 43, the Lord may not bless us with any more children added to our family- but does that mean He ceases to be the same good, loving, and sovereign God Who gave us the six we enjoy here on earth, the the six we’ve lost to miscarriage, and gave us our precious Elijah? Yes, I know He is the same, yesterday, today, and forever; and I want my heart to be able to praise Him for Who is is, not just what He’s given me.

    • Beth, Just to encourage you…after Emily passed away, I could not read about other people’s losses. It was too much just to bear my own, let alone someone else’s. I am so sorry your sweet Elijah isn’t in your arms, but he is being cared for by the Lord…and his playmates are numerous.

  47. My heart hears you. Feb 9th saw the 5th anniversary of our Callie bear leaving us. Missing her is an every day thing, but the weeks coming up to the anniversary sees me becoming moody and withdrawn and short. My poor family. I try to make it easier for them, but am not great at that….
    Anyway, just wanted to call out and say “I get it”

    • It is almost as if the days leading up are worse than the day itself. Today has been one of the best days I’ve had in a long time. Seems so strange. {HUGS} to you too.

  48. My dear young lady, you are missing the most points of the situation. God does nothing for naught. My mom and our family wanted a brother more than life. My mother was bi-polar and schitzo and life could be heaven and hell. My brother was born in the 7th month and died 2 days later because the meds she took to keep him slowed his development so he wasn’t ready to be born yet. It became an issue to me that I had to seek why. About this time my aunt sent me to a “christian” camp: I became a born again christian and as time passed I grew more in the word. Too young to understand what was happening to my heart I was not afraid to see truth in all forms. It has changed my life immensely. Two years later our family lost another baby–girl, Joy Ann. She was born at 6.5 mo. and lived 8 days, getting stronger right along. A nurse fed her tube into her lungs instead of her stomach and she died. Why? Because God chose this outcome PERIOD. We are not to doubt his will but trust that he a reason for every decision. First, it is a telling testimony to all just where our faith is. Me, myself, and I have no place here; trust,trust is. As life goes on to many the obvious becomes apparent to you and others. It may not be pleasant but more revealiing and peaceful. Today you are greiving still but not trusting God and His will. That would change your whole life and allow going forward more rewarding to all. What you carry in your heart is most certainly reflected on your living family and friends. That’s means they grieve as well because you do. The rest of this message is processed by you. I have a faith in your ability to meet this solution heart on . . .Love to you, Jelaine OXOX

    • Oh no, I DO trust the Lord in everything. I do know His ways are not my ways and His good and perfect will is often beyond my own human comprehension. Perhaps you have not read many of my posts or did not finish reading this one. I think you would readily see where my heart is if you had.

    • And yet David asked “How long, O Lord, will you forget me forever?” he asked often, “Why does it seem like the heathen are prospering” as a contrast to him having to hide in the wilderness. Yet David was called a man’s own heart. God understands and does not get angry at our questions. We just need to keep coming back to Him knowing “He alone has the words of life.”

  49. She’s a beauty. She is an eternal beauty. I’m glad we know where she is…with the One who loves her more than anyone else ever could. I don’t know what people do who have no hope. This may not comfort you always and every day but I know it does comfort you some of the time. And she is with her siblings….I can’t wait to meet them one day!

  50. Amy,

    It seems like such a short time ago, I left a comment on last years post commemorating Emily. I too have a little one who I held in my arms for a short time in the arms of Jesus. Since then I have had one more, and I am still scared that something will happen to my happy-go-lucky 6 month old who is the joy of my life. It is a hard place to be. I am learning that God is concerned with my holiness because He knows that it is what will bring me joy in Him both here and on the other side of heaven, but it doesn’t make me grieve any less when I see my pictures of Meagan spattered throughout our house or of your darling picture of Emily in this post. It’s a hard place to be. I pray that God brings you peace and joy in Him in the midst of all that is happening in your life.

  51. One year ago (4th.Feb) we lost the daughter of my best Friend, who wasn’t yet 6, in a tragic accident. This year was really awful for us, missing her a lot, and I know I can’t even begin to imagine the pain a mother must feel when loosing her precious baby. Evry time I look at my own girl (not yet 2), I feel that I couldn’t bear loosing her. I am so sad that she will never have the chance to know sweet Hanna. And I wish to be there for my friend, but I know this pain she cannot really share with anyone. My heart hurts for her, too.
    I wish all of you, who have lost a child one way or anothe, strength to bear the pain, and comfort in the things you have and love. May the Lord bless you all, and make the time untill you meet your children again, bearable.

  52. I’m sorry you are hurting so bad! You and Ty are continuously in our prayers! I know how it feels to think oh that grass is just so much greener on the other side. Thinking if I just have more, just one more, two more, and so on. My husband and I have one living healthy wonderful blessing of a toddler, and we’ve lost one daughter, and miscarried another. So my quiverful isn’t as big as yours, but I greatly understand the hurt you are going through! Jesus is here guiding us, and one day it will be ok again!
    God Bless You and Yours!

  53. I think of you more often than you know. I drive by the cemetery every day on my way to work and see little Emily’s grave marker. I know I can’t begin to know the hole that remains in your heart. I just thank the precious Lord that He cares for the little children as much as we do and will take good care of them until we can once again hold them in heaven.
    Tami Brensing

  54. I cannot pretend to know what you are going through. But I can say that I’ve been through suffering. And you’re right – you just have to keep walking. One day, the King will reward you, and you’ll get to meet your sleeping children once again.

  55. Dear amy. I’m a lurker and never comment. I had to today. This post is wonderful as is not quite right. I have thought and spoken most of the same words. Thanks for being honest and real. I blogged my third son Tucker’s move to Heaven again this week I have seven children, you just can’t see one. Despite having more children, my brain remains in the numbers game world – thanks for sharing your heart. I am paring for u through this miscarriage. I’ve had 7, and the last one at 17 weeks. The mc this side of grief stir and struggle more and differently. Praying for u. He is faithful. keep clinging to the Word. Remember U are loved by the creator of the universe. Your friend in grief, darci

  56. Your honesty is SO humbling….and heartwarming…..and real. You are so real. Your blog is a blessing to me and so many. Thank you for sharing your life with me. I pray that the Lord will comfort as you grieve for your babies.

  57. Thank you for sharing Emily’s story, and your story. You are a blessing! What a day it will be when you get to see all your blessings again!!! Wish I could give you a hug. Wouldn’t it be something if our children in heaven are all friends and play together everyday?

  58. Father God,
    I pray that you will comfort, strengthen and guide this sister. Thank you for the example she is to so many of a godly wife and mother who is committed to preaching the word to herself, not content to be strung along by her her emotions. Please give her rest and peace. You say in our sufferings we become more like you. But you also know our frame… we’re just dust. I pray you will continually remind her of the reasons she has to be thankful and rejoice but even more Lord, I boldly pray for even more reasons to rejoice to be showered on her. Please Abba, encourage this daughter who you so lavishly and extravagantly love. May she hear you sing over her.

  59. Dear Amy,

    I stumbled across your site quite recently and wept as I read Emily’s story with my then 5-month-old baby girl sleeping in the sling. My newly-minted mother’s heart truly breaks for you. You are on my heart a lot and I pray for you very often. I praise the Lord that one day you will step into Heaven and your Emmy-girl will run into your arms. She’s so beautiful! Thank you for your courage in sharing your grief; I doubt you’ll know this side of eternity how many hearts have been blessed and comforted by your words.

    With my sincerest love and prayers,


  60. I don’t blog, I rarely read blogs, however I came across your post this evening while winding down my day. I home-school my 3 children and I am often curious just how much time others spend doing what I do all day. Anyhow, that is how I came to find you. God most certainly has his ways. As I read your entry about how long it takes to home school, I found my eyes wondering around your page and saw the comments you had made about your sweet baby girl. I was immediately drawn in, you see, my husband and I lost our son 11 years ago, and this past September I cried like a baby wondering if I would ever stop missing him. I know that all things work out for the good of those that love The Lord, I believe that. However, since I am human I have also felt like it has been a lifelong punishment…I know it’s not. Like you, I have never been the same, but what makes me curious is this, do you want to be? I kinda miss..”me” sometimes. Anyhow, I just wanted you to know that I am first of all sorry for your loss, and secondly let you know that I am grateful that God brought me to your post, The home school timeline was most encouraging!
    so many thoughts are racing through my head, I am humbled tonight.
    Many Blessings,

    • Angie,
      (HUGS) to you and I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I used to wish I could go back and sometimes I still think about the times before Emmy got sick and wish I could go there just once. But, really, this is who I am now. And God has used this in such a mighty way that could never have been without going through something this horrific. I’ll admit, when a child has a fever and I stay up all night staring at them, praying they will keep breathing, I hate who I am at that moment. I don’t want to know what it is like to have lost a child. Yet, without that side of me, I do not think I could write as I do here or reach people the way this blog reaches people. This is where God put me with this particular set of circumstances and I do my best to stay focused on Him and what glorifies Him. So, as much as I miss Emmy and wish I could have her here again, I know that she is exactly where she is supposed to be and I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. It’s hard, but then I “meet” people like you and realize God didn’t leave me here all alone to bear this all by myself. We comfort others with the comfort we’ve been given. :)