The Dream Squasher Wife

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The Dream Squasher Wife | RaisingArrows.netI am a dream squasher.

Ty will tell me about something he wants to do and the practical side of me jumps up and quickly blurts out something uber-insensitive.  In fell swoop, I squash his dreams.  Sometimes all it takes is a look.  Sometimes I add in words to land the blow.  I react first, think later.

The things Ty is suggesting aren’t outlandish, but tend to be contrary to what I want to do or outside my comfort zone.

Go hunting the entire weekend?

Flabbergasted stare.

Buy a cabin in Alaska and live off the land.

Are you kidding me?

I like to have things my way and I wasn’t raised with an adventurous flair.  My husband, on the other hand, is one of those men who has never been satisfied with mediocre.  Everything he does is full-tilt.  This is fine by me until it directly affects me

like taking away my weekend plans or taking me away my comfort zone.

A couple of years ago, I realized every time my husband came to me with an idea or plan or just something he wanted to talk about, I inevitably came up with some super realistic view of his dream that turned it all on its head.  He wasn’t allowed to dream in my presence because his dreams scared me, and if I could make his dreams look as if they weren’t well-thought out or simply a bad idea, then I wouldn’t have to worry about his dreams affecting me.  What I didn’t know was how much I was hurting him in the process of protecting myself.

When I finally saw what I was doing, I quickly changed how I was reacting and tried very hard to not say anything.  But, just recently, I realized even that isn’t the right answer because silence is still dream squashing.

I need to dream with him.

I don’t dream with him because I’m afraid of encouraging him.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of hardship.  Fear of not having my way.  They all frighten me.  My dream squashing is how I control the situation.  Keep the upper-hand.  Be the one in charge.

Not a lovely picture of biblical submission, eh?

I don’t want to be a dream squasher any more.  In fact, I want to take the extra step away from dream squashing and into dream weaving.

Up scene

Remember Up?  {I cry every time I watch it.}  It’s the story of a dream.  A crazy dream held together by love.  I want that.

None of the stuff we dream may ever come to fruition, but at least we dreamed it…


80 Comments on The Dream Squasher Wife

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80 thoughts on “The Dream Squasher Wife

  1. Oh my gosh! You are so right – even the silence is a squasher. My problem is when I have things running reasonably smoothly I just don’t want to drum up the extra energy to think about or tackle even a ‘not-so-hairbrained-idea’. I’m so glad you posted these very personal revelations because I, too, will now get on board with my lovely husband’s dreams. We may not always agree but thoughtful and enthusiastic discussion is the least I can do. One person’s dream can become a family’s dream.
    Having said that…a cabin in Alaska??!!! :-)

      • As someone who spent her childhood in an island cabin in Alaska may I just say it was my dad’s personal dream and I a delighted my mom followed him in that! 😉 Great post and excellent reminder! Thank you for allowing God to use you as a blessing to encourage other women. I will share this on my facebook. :)

  2. You know, I read a definition of submission once that went like this “Submission is joyfully embracing your husband’s dreams”. I loved that and found it truly inspirational. I get to be part of the ride ! Submission isn’t being a brainless dormat, it’s a whole attitude, a way of thinking and way of life in which I get to use my gifts, my personnality, my intelligence and my intuition as we do life together.

  3. I like to think this is one of the (only?) parts of being a wife i got right lol. My husband desperately wants to support his family in a way that still allows him to be involved with us day to day. Not so much working at home, that still takes full time hours, but working ‘smarter’ to allow him to work less hours.

    This leads to many an outlandish scheme that goes against everything we were raised to believe about money and work! Creditcards and 9 to 5 days are all i grew up knowing.

    Sometimes his dreams scare me, we have taken risks and fallen flat on our faces before. But i know he would work for less than minimum wage (and has done!) to take care of us. He will never have us suffer (sacrifice yes, but suffer no) to chase his dreams

    So i dream with him, and try to keep up! However, i am also his balancing force. Theres nothing wrong with pointing out the practicalities and helping to keep him grounded. My husband knows he goes to an extreme in his thinking when he is first formulating an idea, and he trusts me to pull him down to earth and help make it possible and reasonable. It just has to be done lovingly, with the right motives. Suggest a modification instead of shooting him down.

    • Yes, you hit this on the nose. We can dream with them and still give our ideas as well. I trust the Lord to lead my husband as well.

  4. ouch.

    I needed to hear this.

    God’s been pulling our family towards a ministry … and the practical side of me has been squashing where my husband feels we should go.

    ouch … but thank you ?

  5. This sounds so familiar that I could have written about myself and my husband and it would have been almost exactly the same! When we were first married and he threw out ideas, I would panic and quickly shed my realistic light on his idea. I’m a planner and don’t usually share an idea unless I’ve thought it through, think it will work, and really want to see it carried out. My husband is not like that at all. Sharing an idea and discussing it (dreaming) is how he thinks through things best. When I realized that he was not necessarily planning on actually doing every single thing he suggested, I was much more able to relax and allow him to dream (without panicking and throwing cold water on his dreams). Dreaming with him is something that I am still learning to do. It is something I want to do, but sometimes I forget that in the heat of the moment. Thank you for the reminder!

    • This is exactly what my husband does! He likes to just talk about things sometimes. He would never leave us high and dry while he ran off and did something crazy.

  6. Wow! This just occurred at my house this morning. A new job was mentioned and automatically I started asking all the financial/practical questions. I struggle with this. I need to figure out a better way to encourage, but still bring up the practical side of things in a more loving fashion.

  7. I love it. I also came to a similar realizationl Another thing I had to understand is that my husband was doing just that – dreaming. Just because he said it would be awesome to buy some land where he could build a cabin with his bare hands (and no experience, lol!) does not mean that it is going to happen. Sometimes he just likes the sound of the idea and it is just a passing thought. I learned my job is just to smile and nod – not point out the impractalities.

  8. I have certainly been that way. But, I, too, have learned that it’s not the right response. Oftentimes, just allowing yourselves to dream fulfills whatever desire or curiosity of that dream and nothing else will come of it. Sometimes, dreaming now might end of in the that dream fulfilled in one way or another years down the road. For example, my husband wanted to move to foreign country, I did not. But after several years of just doing life where we were at, God led us to move from the US to Canada. It wasn’t as far away as my husband wanted, but it was just far enough away to stretch me enough. I did not accept the idea right away, but I tried to focus on the why I was having a problem with it and once I figured that out and talked through it with him, my fears subsided a bit and now, here we are, living the dream. Men are typically the big dreamers in the household, although, there are women that dream big as well (it’s all about personality sometimes). Abraham didn’t started his dream, God did, but his wife went with him to Canaan. So, openly listen and dream with your guy. God usually has put that spark of creativity in their hearts. Don’t squash them! Thanks!

  9. I have a friend who has called herself “holy ghost # 2.” Makes me laugh to think about. She’s learned to get out of the way at this point. My hubby had a dream years ago, if you’d call it that, and once I embraced the idea and gave him permission (sounds bad), it went away. It was going to seriously rock our world. He just needed the freedom to be able to dream…for certain things to be possible. I also love the movie Up and cry every.single.time. Their life WAS filled with adventure. It just didn’t look like those preconceived notions. Ours is the same.

    • I just told a room full of women this past weekend to stop being the Holy Spirit in their husband’s lives…pointing the finger right back at myself!

  10. When I think of what your husbands face must look like when you shoot down an idea of his, my heart goes out to him. However, it is always easy to see areas of improvement in other people’s relationships, and totally ignore our own. I am just as guilty when it comes to ‘being the voice of reason’, especially when my wants to do something that I have no desire doing. I’m gonna call my Sugarbooger right now and apologize for manipulating situations for by benefit. Being submissive is hard if you weren’t raised that way, but marriage is far better now once I started to follow God’s instructions for a submissive wife. We are coming up on 17 years this month, and I sure do love that man of mine……….even if he does wants to move to Hawaii!

  11. Wow!! This must be for me today. I went to a homeschool conference in our area this past weekend and listened to Todd Wilson talk bout this exact thing and bought his book. I am flying through the book and loving it. It is opening my eyes to see that I have been a dream killer to my husband, my children and myself! Ultimately to my Heavenly Father. Then you posted this! Thank you!

      • It’s called Dream Big by Todd Wilson. I am a HUGE dreamer and always kinda thought of “others” as being the dream squashes but by reading this I realized I have not even taken my husbands dreams seriously enough to squash them which in itself actually was squashing them! (If that makes any sense).

  12. I’m on the flip-side of this. I’m the dreamer, my husband is the practical one. And I’ll tell you what, he can shut me down in two seconds flat. Let me tell you what it does to Trust–it kills it. Dead. Because if your spouse can’t trust you with their dreams, why would they trust you with anything else? Dreams are about as personal as it gets.

    Let me give you an example–I (try) to participate in a novel writing THING every November. I don’t write anything of importance (yet, maybe never). It’s more of a challenge to myself. And it’s one of my “dreams” to do this successfully every year. A 50K novel may not sound like much, but to me every November, it’s my world. My oldest son thinks it’s hilarious (in a good way) and is very supportive. I bounce ideas off him and ask him for suggestions if I get stuck. He doesn’t knock me down for writing because he knows how dear it is to me. The younger two are pretty much the same way. They give me some space to write when I need it and listen and suggest things when I read them bits.

    My husband and my second son however…together, on the same day, in the middle of one of those moments when I just could not get the plot to work the way it was supposed to…both of them said to me, “We don’t know why you do this. It’s never going to amount to anything.”

    I finished my novel in two weeks–125,000 words. But I can’t forgive my husband for what he said to me. That was almost eight months ago, and I can still hear it in my head, clear as a bell. I stopped telling him what I was writing. I stopped telling him what was going on in my head. This is not the first time he’s hurt me like this, and I don’t trust him with what’s in my heart anymore.

    Maybe other Dreamer Spouses don’t take it as hard I did. Or maybe it is just cumulative effort on my husband’s part to Squash. We’ve been married almost 20 years. Words like that hurt. For a long time.

    Most of the time, we Dreamers just want to bounce ideas off of you, our Spousal Support System. We may not even want feedback. It may be just to see what your reaction will be. I HAVE suggested a cabin in the Alaskan Outback…just to torment my never-been-west-of-the-Mississippi inner-city boy. He liked that idea…but I don’t think he fully understood it. (I spent six months in Alaska. I know!)

    My point is, instead of reacting, try a gentle approach. Ask them if they are serious. If they are, what prompted it. Is it a long term goal or short term. (My cabin in the woods is something I want to be in by the time we have grandkids, not now. But he (the Squasher) took it to mean I wanted to move immediately.) Whatever you do, don’t shut them down. Because sooner or later, they will find someone else to share their dreams with…and most likely (without some serious marriage counseling) it won’t be you.

    • Stacey,
      Thank you a million times over for writing this. Wow! One thing you said that really resonates with me is asking his time frame and what he means exactly. I realized the cabin in Alaska is currently not a place he wants to actually LIVE, but a place he wants to have for vacations. And he doesn’t necessarily mean right now. I’ve been squashing that dream for years. And what you said about trust…breaks my heart. ((HUGS)) I will be in prayer for you as I am prayer for myself. Perhaps your husband and son don’t realize what they are doing. The Lord can convict them in the same way He has me.

  13. I have a very hard time with this, too. Anything from Alaska to a “dream house” to a hot tub on the patio – I shoot it down. Like you, I’ve learned to hold my tongue, but, you’re right. It’s not enough. Thanks for the encouragement! Any ideas on how to start doing this? I think I feel so caught up in the day-to-day responsibilities of home and children that I forget to dream myself, let alone with my husband.

    • I would say, be honest with him and let him know that you want to change. Let him know that he can hold you accountable and tell you when you’re slipping back into this habit. Especially if all he knows is that if he opens up, he will get squashed. Praise him when he does open up, even if it’s the tiniest thing. You have to start somewhere. Like, for the hot tub, maybe help him research it, not to find all the bad points, but discuss what features you like. Blessings!

    • I’m going to start small. Tonight, when he gets home, I’m going to ASK to talk about Alaska. I also found an American West series from PBS for free on Amazon Prime that I’m going to sit and watch with him. It could be fun to research outfitting a cabin home! And yes, I forget to dream too. But right now, coming home from a homeschool conference, I have some HUGE dreams and it is so exciting! :)

  14. Beautiful, Amy! And oh so true. I try really hard not to dream-squash with looks or words, but good point about doing it with silence. Sometimes I’m just trying to do a good job of listening, but I’m sure my husband can tell the difference between listening and disapproving silence. =p I adore the movie UP, and their shared dream is the best part. My husband has been attending seminary classes, and he’s talking about church planting, and it’s kind of scary!

  15. My man is a Visionary as well and full of joy about everything in life! His energy is amazing. I always say my life would be so boring without him. This so such a good word, Amy! A needful reminder. Hugs!

  16. This is me too, exactly! Recently I have let go and I have told him in very direct terms “i give you my blessing to: -get a motorcycle, start a recording studio, go back to school full time, go on a week long mission trip to another country…” and a few other things. These are all big deals for a bunch of different reasons and some of them are way outside my comfort zone and could end up dangerous or result in a difficult seasons for our larger family…
    But I feel great watching him light up when he talks about these things, and I want a husband and my kids to have a dad who is excited about life, not just going through the motions.
    It is so hard to address and then begin the process of letting go of this worldly security we women hold so tight to. I know God wants me to find my security in Him though, so I’m letting god. Sounds like you are too :)
    And telling him that I gave him my blessing for very specific dreams of his helps me to coach myself through the moments when I feel very insecure or abandoned because of those dreams – it helps me realize that I have chosen to let go and chosen to trust God with these things.
    I prayed for you and I love thinking about our kids and the legacy we’ll leave of supportive wives and dream chaser husbands :)

  17. Wow! Beautifully written! I was just thinking about this yesterday. My husband had come to me with an idea (which I even thought was a good one!), and I immediately went into the practical side of things. He looked so crushed. I had intended to be helpful, but all he heard was, “Blah, blah, blah, impossible.” Next time, I will remember this post and dream along! Thanks for squashing me a little. I needed it :)

  18. Wow! Thank you so much for this! This sounds exactly like my husband and me. It is something the Lord had been dealing with me about, and you said exactly what I needed to hear! I have always been afraid to dream with my dreamer husband as well. No more! I don’t want to bring him down and squash his dreams. Who knows what God just might have in store! :)

  19. LOVE this!! We just completed a 1300 mile move. The sole reason? My husband’s dream and vision for this family of 6. Letting go of the comfortable is a scary thing. I did not want to say goodbye to the land of my upbringing, my family, my lifetime of friends. But seeing the light and life in a contented, fully-supported husband vastly outweighs all the negatives. I also know that my husband will move mountains to support this family–even if it means working 2 or more jobs. So I don’t worry. Life is a grand adventure together! :)

    • Danielle,
      I don’t know if you’ll even see this, but if you do, could you tell me if your husband already had a job in place before you all moved? My husband wants to move across the US without necessarily finding a job first and that just about gives me a heart attack so I shoot him down every time.

      • No. My husband does not have a job. 😉 BUT he is 100% sure that he is doing what God wants him to. He would never make a move like this without that confidence. Remember, God set up the order of the family. God leads the husband, who leads the wife. My husband values my input and advice. But he has the final decision, because he is the one who is accountable to God. I’m accountable for how I allow my husband to lead me. My best advice to someone in your situation is twofold. One, PRAY and beg God for a heart that will allow your husband to lead, and for the ability to fully support him–EVEN IF HE FAILS!! Two, TRUST. Trust the Lord, and trust your husband. God created men to dominate, to dream dreams, and behold visions. But he also created them with a void–one that a supportive, loving wife can only fill.

        I’ve learned that the best way for me to voice my concerns is through legitimate, yet respectful questions. How would we… Have you considered… Would we be able to…

        Letting go of the comfortable and secure can be a very scary thing. But watching a man grow outside of his box, and watching his faith in the Lord being stretched and grown, and then experiencing all that as a family is amazing. We all prayed for 11 months, as a family, for our house in New England to sell. We have all prayed for Daddy to be able to get a job in Florida. We have all prayed for a safe move, and suitable housing. I believe God was waiting for us to make a step of commitment. He was waiting to see how serious we were about following His will. We’ve been down here for less than a week. We’ve been hit left and right with unforseen expenses {culture shock, anyone!}. But our faith is unshaken. God WILL provide!! I know my husband will work nights at Home Depot and days at Walmart if that’s what it takes. Him assuring me of his willingness to take multiple entry level jobs to keep the family afloat gave me the confidence to follow him anywhere.

        I don’t want to give the impression that it’s “easy”. It is scary. But it is far easier, and the home is far more peaceful, than “kicking against the pricks”. I will pray for you, that you will be unified in your marriage, and that God will give you the personal faith you need to follow your man!

  20. This post hit me right where it hurts. I too am a dream squasher and I hate that about myself. I have only been married for 2 years, but have spent the whole time trying to relearn how I react to my husband’s dreams and encourage him instead of control him….not easy to do for me, but with God’s grace I’m going to be the help meet my husband needs! Thank you for being brutally honest.

  21. Saw this article on a FB page, followed the link to read the article and now (weirdly) I find myself writing a reply on a predominantly female page. Maybe it will be therapeutic to write this.

    I spent much of last night praying for a wife (for the thousandth time). The one I have would be fine if she wasn’t such a dream killer. I so desperately want her to love me and to show me in words and actions that she does; but she coldly prefers to live like my practical sister instead. Enough about me. How about some constructive comments from a male perspective?

    She kills my dreams. OK, so I am a big boy and can suck it up, after all marriage is hard sometimes, right? Hmmm, so if she kills my dreams… is she a dream squasher for my kids, as well? Sadly, this question referencing the kids probably evoked more of an emotional response from you than the thought of her squashing my dreams. I believe that the most important relationship we have after our Creator is that with our spouse. This builds an important balanced foundation upon which to raise our children. While the article is directed toward a woman’s role as wife. Please consider how this affects your role as mother (and teacher?). Squash my dreams, I can take it. But, be careful what you do to your children.

    “Silence is dream squashing” Yep, I agree with the author. My wife is now in that mode. The silence hurts and separates us further. I understand that my wife would agree with the author; “I don’t dream with him because I’m afraid of encouraging him…fear of the unknown…hardship…not having my way. They all frighten me… how I control the situation…keep the upper-hand…be the one in charge.” Wow, that sounds like my independent wife! Abba12 makes an inciteful comment “My husband knows he goes to an extreme in his thinking when he is first formulating an idea…” I do this too and I wouldn’t mind if my wife helped me find where the dream meets reality. What she doesn’t understand is that when she squashes my dreams she kills my motivation to do many things that are not dreams. It is an evil circle that provides her the necessary ammunition to continue to be disappointed in me. The circle could be broken by me not reacting to her squashing my dreams. I try not to react, but frankly, How about not squashing my dream in the first place. Isn’t that a better way to break the circle?

    Not all dreams become reality, but many memories begin as dreams. Consider how our memories define who we are as individuals and define our relationships. We should be making memories together.

    And, yes this was a little therapeutic to write.

    • Thank you for your perspective! Oddly enough, I don’t squash my children’s dreams, but I can definitely see how it could translate to that and be doubly disappointing for a husband. I’m sorry your wife is squashing your dreams, but please know, she may not be able to see just how it is affecting you. I was so into self-preservation I couldn’t see how devastating it was to my husband. Praying for your marriage right now.

    • I have some practical advice for biblical wives on this topic. My husband like all husbands dream big and have crazy ideas. Orion you make good points. I am tired of being disappointed in my husband. I want him to have motivation and be able to do things. I sat down with him and admitted I was wrong for always discouraging what he wants. Our big thing was he wants so many different things! So, in our heart to heart I said, “Look I want to support you and help you and encouarge you in x,y,z – but lets be 100% honest we just can’t have every single thing. Instead, lets focus on just a few.” One of his big things is “making” he likes to make things of all sorts and even things that don’t really have a purpose their just cool guy toys. Soooo, we actually sold our house and bought a bit smaller home with three car garage to accomidate his work shop. I allow him time everyday to be in his workshop working on his projects. During that time I work on stuff I need to get done (that I don’t need his help with). In the end, he walks outta that shop with a smile on his face and a kiss for me! He’s so happy to be in his workshop, its worth the bit of time away to have a good attitude in him. So we actually downsized our home to have extra money for him to buy “supplies” for his projects etc. However, he still has a lot of dreams that I wish I knew what to do about and how to handle it. Some of them don’t seem ‘reasonable’ or ‘resonsible.’ Like the “living off the land” Alaska dream: my advice for women caught in this dream tangle: say, okay honey I love you to the moon and back and think that might be kinda cool and all but lets just bloom where we’re planted! Lets give this dream some wheels right here where we do live and shake it up a bit. We’ll get a woodstove in stalled so you can cut wood; we’ll get chickens and compost bins; we’ll grow our own food etc etc etc. Just try to have a heart to heart and say how much you love him and do want to try to help his dreams become true but perhaps God has a different way for those dreams to come into our life. Lets bloom where we’re planted….

  22. Our roles are reversed, as some have mentioned. I’m a dreamer. I love my husband but when he squashes my crazy dreams, it hurts. I’ve talked to him about it. If given time, I usually float back down to earth. Just dream with me….for a little while. :-( I like the way you recognize it and want to do something about it!!

  23. I am so this kind of wife. Until I read your post, though, I had no idea. Thanks for opening my eyes. As I think about it, it’s been years since my husband has shared any outlandish dreams with me, and I’m sure it’s because I used to squash them. I will have to work on this.

    And yes, my husband has had the same dream about a cabin in Alaska. And a whole weekend of hunting.

  24. That can be hard when we are operating out of fear. I use to be more like that when we were younger, but even now it isn’t always easy.

    After ten years of him going through seminary during our married life, I…really…..was….DONE with any more mention of schooling…..EVER.

    But then the PhD kept coming up and I was dragging my feet about even giving a smiling nod. One day, when he was at the crossroads and was discussing getting another job (because he is a pastor of a small church and we could use the money) or go for his doctorate, I knew it was time to stop the loathing silence and tell him he should go for it, especially since the work prospects had been scarce.

    That was hard, but he is already into the program a year, and might be teaching soon. A teaching ministry is what He believes God is calling Him to transition into and he simply cannot do it without his doctorate.

    It isn’t always easy, is it?! But I do believe that God blesses our desire to honor Him.

  25. WOW! I don’t know when was the last time my husband shared his dreams with me. I know it’s been YEARS!! Thank you for sharing this! I really needed to hear this today.

  26. I am the dream squasher! You just described me and my husband. As a matter of fact, I believe I have heard the “buy a cabin in Alaska and live off the land” dream. haha! I have been working on being more positive and not so pessimistic. And if any of his dreams do end up coming true, I know we will all be fine because he does not make a move with all of us unless we have prayed it through (a comfort I have recently taken hold of) :) Thank you for sharing, I thought it was just me!

  27. I needed to hear this. This is how it is in our house. My husband and I are both dreamers. However, I am the one who usually tends to jump on the practical end of his dreams whether it’s a big dream or just a small one like expanding the sound system or upgrading the truck. He isn’t so likely to pounce on my dreams as I do on his.

    I need to be more supportive of him.

    Thanks for your posts.

  28. Thanks for sharing your heart! I, too, am a dream squasher. May the Almighty give us the courage to not only submit to our husbands but to conform our will to his.


  29. I could have written this post :)

    Last year at our homeschool convention Todd Wilson spoke on this very thing. He was talking about our kids, but I was very convicted about my husband. My husband too for a long time talked about moving to Alaska. There have been lots of other dreams as well, all of them way out of my comfort zone! I have learned to listen to his dreams, give a few positive comments, and then pray that whichever dream does come true, that God will not only give me the strength to go with my husband, but for it to become my dream as well.

    One thing, when I told my husband my convictions after the homeschool convention last year, he said that agreed that I had been quick to squash his dreams. Ouch, I thought I had hid it better! We had a great talk about both of our dreams and now I feel like I can handle listening to his dreams and leaving it in God’s hands.

  30. I recognise myself in this post so very clearly, and it is the first time I have really thought properly about what I am doing when I feel the need to give the practical/negative side of things to my husband’s ideas, BUT I don’t know where to go from here. I see that you are saying you will begin by asking to talk about Alaska. I am too scared to even take that step! I don’t want to talk about it, in case it makes him feel that YES, this dream really is a possibility, because I am willing (he will read: eager) to talk about it! And I really really DON’T want to follow the dream he’s dreaming! But I see that I *must* because he is my husband and I need to submit to his leading… I feel so conflicted and sort of paralysed in my ability to move forwards in this knowledge now. What do I do?! :/

    • Dear Alice,

      First thing you do is PRAY! Pray for your attitude, pray for your fear to be gone, pray for wisdom for your husband as he makes decisions for your family. Remember that God is in control and He doesn’t give us the spirit of fear!

      I commented earlier today and am still feeling the ouch ~ but I’ve been mulling this all day and also starting to feel the freedom it brings to completely rest in my husband’s decisions for our family. He loves us and I don’t believe he would do something detrimental to any of us willfully …. and again ~ beyond that God is in control ~ even if he makes a mistake.

      • Sorry …. too many pronouns in that last sentence so let’s try that last line again …

        even if my husband makes a mistake.


  31. Wait, wait! This posting doesn’t address the “my husband has a crazy idea and he’s really planning on doing it – what am I suposed to do!” I am not sure how many wives face this real issue of their husbands crazy ideas but its true, how can we as biblical wives support our husband but not encourage wild out backwoods ideas?

  32. Hi Amy~
    Great post! I know what you mean……I think sometimes when we have many children, as mom’s we get to practical and forget to dream. I am always working on this!


  33. I agree that silence or dishonesty isn’t good either. I don’t think it’s wrong to say, “This sounds really scary to me, can you please help me understand what you are thinking?”

    By the way, I’m hooked on a new show, “Buying Alaska,” on Discovery Channel, about couples bying homes in Alaska, so the Alaska part made me chuckle. Some of the homes don’t have indoor bathrooms or electricity, while others are beautiful and modern. It is VERY pretty up there.

  34. I have to say this isn’t quite my husband or my trouble spot….since we’re both dreamers. I do highly encourage to keep trying! I find some of our best conversations start off with “dreaming” and if you keep talking it out and “planning” it, other topics almost always pop up and it becomes a great rounded conversation. I suggest a date night ( or just carving out time) that is for dreaming and a good time for him to talk about them ( and you!). It’ll be easier to learn to dream about that Alaskian cabin and living off the land when you are ready for a big idea not when you are side tracked with kiddos. It just a good practice time to start off.

  35. Wow! 70 comments so far….this post must have hit a nerve.=) It did for me too. VERY convicting. If only I could/would turn the conviction into a changed reality as easily as I have felt the sting of realizing how much I must be hurting my husband. This is one of those areas where, after you’ve done it for so long (dream crushed your husband) it changes him and the dynamic of your relationship. At least I know mine doesn’t even come to me with his dreams anymore as he has dubbed me “the dream crusher.” Pitiful, I know. God can do anything though. I will pray and I will try. Thank you for this.

  36. Oh, how I needed this! What a sweet word in my inbox yesterday. I have such a loving, godly man as my husband who leads our family so beautifully. He shares his ideas, thoughts, and dreams with me. But my silence has been squashing his dreams, and I didn’t even realize it. I thought just listening to him was enough (and holding my tongue in the process!). Thank you so much for this post and for helping me to love my husband more deeply and excellently. Bless you sweet woman of God!

  37. This is so convicting! Thank you for writing this! I am such a dream squasher of a wife and I hate when I see it rising up in me :( My husband loves adventure and thrives in challenges. Me, I prefer the comfort of my home and routine! I am learning to encourage and not squash, though! Thanks for these words!