Category Archives: Ask Amy

Ask Amy – Play Dates and Parties

How to Handle Bad Influences | RaisingArrows.netToday’s Ask Amy comes from a reader who asks:

How do you say no to a play date with a child whom you’d consider a bad influence? And what do you when you are at a birthday party where the theme is in opposition to your beliefs?  Can you avoid appearing self-righteous or snobby?

First, let’s get the last part of this question out of the way…

Any time you stand up for what you believe when it directly opposes those around you, you will appear self-righteous to someone.  Sorry, just the way it is.  And always remember…

“If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you.”
John 15:18

These situations are tough.  You wonder how “in the world, but not of it” are you supposed to be.  You wonder if you can be a good influence in the other child’s life without sacrificing your own child.  You wonder what God expects of you when it comes to ministering to others.

In the matter of play dates, there are a couple of things you can do.

1.  Always say no until they eventually stop asking.

2.  Occasionally say yes, but on your terms.

What I mean by #2, is to be the one in control of the play date.  Don’t create an environment where your child will be off alone with the other child.  Make it a play date that is family-oriented.  Make it a trip to a museum or zoo with the children near you at all times rather than a playground or home where the children run off and play outside your direct supervision.

If you do encounter something during a play date or party, you again have a couple of choices:

1.  Address it right then and there either publicly or privately.

2.  Address it later.

You first need to decide if it is bad enough that something needs to be said right then and there to the host or to your children.  Often, the matter is not so dire it needs to be publicly called out and you can get by with explaining quietly to your children why the other child’s behavior is unacceptable or why they won’t be participating in the current activity.  Sometimes you might need to explain to the other family why you feel the way you do, but the fewer words you use, the better.  Remember:

When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.
Proverbs 10:19

Before you publicly say anything, be sure you are clear why you believe what you believe, and it is not merely a matter of personal preference that is better off addressed later with your children or the other family.  Be discreet and be kind.

And please, please, please…be humble.

No family is perfect.  Not even yours.

Your turn!  How do you deal with bad influences when it concerns your children?

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Ask Amy – Sleep Training Babies

Sleep Training Babies? | RaisingArrows.netToday, we have this question from a reader…

What is your take on sleep training babies?

She goes on to say she enjoys rocking and nursing her 8 month old to sleep, but she is tired and feeling pressure from well-meaning Christian friends who fear she will reap bad fruit from her methods.  She asks what my take on sleep training is, how I encourage my babies/toddlers to sleep, and how I get enough rest myself.

First of all, this question is quite controversial.  Everyone seems to have an opinion about what does and does not constitute spoiling a child when it comes to sleep habits.  I’m going to tell you right off the bat, I don’t think this issue is so black and white that you can definitively say one method is superior over another or that one method is pure evil while another is pure perfection.  Every situation is unique and generalizations that condemn or elevate one method over another are rarely helpful.

All that said, I’ll give you my experience and opinion, but remember, I have only my set of circumstances to take into consideration.  You need to look at your own set of circumstances and do the very best you can with what you have been given.  And above all, try not to stress and agonize over your choices.  This one issue is not going to make or break your parenting.

So, what is my take on sleep training?

I don’t do it.

That is, I don’t do it until they are older, and even then, I don’t do it the way the “experts” tell you to do it.

I don’t like the idea of trying to force an infant into a schedule.  They find a natural rhythm and that rhythm typically includes a couple of middle of the night feedings.

So, the next question is how do you as a tired mommy deal with middle of the night feedings?  Personally, I bring my babies to bed with me when they wake up that first time and there they stay.  It’s what has worked for us, but it’s not the only answer.

With one of my babies, I had a super comfy chair near where she slept and I would put on some soft music and sit in that chair and doze off while she nursed.  Eventually, I would wake up and put her back in her crib, and head back to bed.  I have very fond memories of listening to the music and my baby suckling in the stillness of the night hours.

But, there does come a time when I begin to feel my babies need to start working toward longer stretches of sleep at night.  However, there are many factors involved.  You have to make sure baby is ready to sleep through the night.  You have to make sure their tummies are full enough to make it through the night and they aren’t actually waking out of true hunger, rather than habit.  You have to make sure it isn’t their diaper or the temperature of the room or Daddy snoring (yes, I’m serious!) that is waking them up at night.  All these things can factor in and that is what makes Cry It Out (CIO), also known as the Ferber Method, less than ideal.

You have to take into account that your baby could be waking from something other than habit and those needs have to be addressed.  To use the snoring example, we realized our 7th child, who slept in a crib in our room, was waking up in the night because Daddy was snoring.  We moved him into another room and suddenly, he was sleeping through.  Another one of our children was waking up in the night because he was hyper-sensitive to wet cloth diapers.  We put him in a disposable for overnight and the problem was solved.  It would have been ridiculous for me to ignore these things with the assumption that my child was just being willful.

So, how do I encourage my babies/toddlers to sleep through the night?  Well, I don’t expect it at all until they are 10 months or so.  And even then, I know a stray night here and there is going to happen.  I also know that some children just don’t sleep as well as others.  My child with sensory issues didn’t sleep through the night until she was 5, but I did find many wonderful suggestions that helped her in this book:


The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley
(she also has a toddler version I have not read)

The biggest thing I took away from this book is having a bedtime routine that is calming, as well as having something that is associated with sleep (toy, blanket, etc).  Play relaxing music at night.  Turn down the lights and speak quietly.  Read devotions together and say prayers as a routine thing that triggers little one’s brains to know it is time for bed.  Have a special pillow or stuffed animal that comes out at night as they begin to unwind.

Even with babies, we do these things.  I swaddle our babies at night.  The house slowly winds down and becomes darker and quieter.  Eventually, baby falls fast asleep and we take him to his bed.  He has a routine that is relaxing for both of us.

If nursing and rocking your baby is relaxing for both of you, it is a win-win situation, but if one of you isn’t relaxed, then it’s time to rethink what you are doing.

Personally, as my babies get older, I stop rocking and nursing to sleep.  If possible, I nurse them and let them be up a bit longer before laying them down awake.  This encourages them to learn how to fall asleep on their own which translates into how to get back to sleep when they wake in the night.

When I have had an older baby who either fights going to sleep or wakes in the night out of habit, and I know they simply need to learn how to go to bed or how to soothe themselves back to sleep in the night, I follow a routine that looks something like this:

*Take care of all their nighttime needs (ie diaper changes, nursing, jammies).
*Follow a calming nighttime routine that includes the rest of the family.
*Carry baby off to bed, preferably at the same time each night.
*Lay baby down awake, with lights off and give them whatever “lovies” they are used to (doll, blankie, etc).
*Speak quietly and soothingly and do not linger.

If I have to help them a little more to get to sleep or sleep through the night, I go into their room without the lights on and often without speaking.  If I do need to say something because they are crying or jabbering, I speak very quietly and soothingly.  I don’t linger and I don’t pick them up unless I have to.  If they are standing up, I lay them back down gently and calmly.  I pat their backs and smooth their hair and hand them their lovie and I leave (again, not lingering).  I will do this over and over and over again until my little one realizes mama isn’t a lot of fun in the night, but she sure is quiet and calming.

This reader also asked how I get enough sleep.  Frankly, there are seasons in a mama’s life when sleep is a precious commodity.  Sometimes you get it.  Sometimes you don’t.  Besides co-sleeping with baby through the night, I also like to take baby to bed with me for a nap during the day if I can manage it.  I also institute Rest Time during baby’s first year where all my children are required to lay down for 1 hour during the afternoon.  My olders can read a book or draw, while my littles take a nap and mommy dozes.  If I have a toddler who might get into trouble while I’m sleeping, I bring them to bed with me or hold them in the chair while I sleep.  You can also sequester yourself and your children in a bedroom that is free from hazards and ways to get out and roam the house.  This way, you can doze a bit without worrying (too much) about the little ones.  Eventually, you will have older kids who are able to hold down the fort while you catch a few ZZZ’s.  Hang in there, mama!

Now it’s your turn!  What sleep advice do you have?

Have a question?
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Ask Amy – Fear and the Healing Process After the Loss of a Child

healing after child lossIt seemed appropriate on the eve of the 5 year anniversary of our daughter’s Home-going that I should answer this particular question.

Two readers submitted questions that, while not entirely similar, were of the same topic…life after the loss of a child.

One reader had lost a child at 7 months (the same age our Emmy was) and wanted to know what we had done to heal from her loss.  The other reader lost a son due to complications of childbirth and was pregnant again and wondering how to deal with the fear she was feeling.

For me, the fear was one of the most ongoing things I needed to heal from.  In fact, it continues to be something I must give to the Lord over and over again.  Just this past week, I sat up late into the night praying through my fears as I held my newborn son.  I know I will never fully conquer this fear this side of Heaven, but I do know God is big enough to handle those fears and walk me through them.

The past 5 years have been wrought with ups and downs in the grieving process.  Here are a few of the things we have done to help us heal and gain victory over our fears.

*Write, write, write.  On my Grieving Mother page, I have a lot of links to articles I have written, many of them typed out through tears.  I grieved through my writing and I encourage every grieving mother to do the same.  It doesn’t have to be a public blog.  It can be a quiet journal tucked away by your bedside.  Mothers need a place to write their deepest thoughts and feelings without judgement.

*Cling to the Lord and each other.  I wrote Psalms for the Grieving Heart because I knew grieving families needed to cling to the Lord during their grief, but they more than likely couldn’t handle lengthy Bible studies and/or devotionals.  Music was very important in our healing as well.  Songs like Blessed Be Your Name and Be Unto Your Name brought us to tears, but helped us praise the Lord in the middle of it all.

We also grew as a family.  We never hesitated to speak of Emily.  Even our children who were not born when she passed away know of her and speak as if they remember her.  And Ty and I clung to each other.  We often found that when one of us was weak, the other was strong.

*Grieve how you need to grieve and say what you need to say, but do it in a safe place.  My husband and a select group of friends are my safe place.  I know I can say anything to them.  I know I can grieve and they will listen and hug me and pray for me.  Unfortunately, those who grieve often hear rather thoughtless words spoken to them that can cut like a knife.  Don’t open up to those kind of people.  Even if they do not mean to hurt you, it is best to only grieve openly with those who understand.

*Don’t do anything hastily, but do keep working through those difficult things.  It took me several weeks to take Emily’s clothes out of the closet and put them in a box.  It took me 2 years to finally go through them all and tidy them up.  There are still places we do not go and things we do not do.  We’re just not ready.

There came a time when we felt ready to go back to the city where Emily died.  It was hard.  We cried.  A lot.  But, we did it.  And sometimes I have been ready to take a step forward before my husband, but I have chosen to wait until he is ready.  We do this together even though we heal differently.  I have to respect his difficult things just as he has to respect the things that are more difficult for me.

*Focus on serving others.  Once the brunt of the storm is passed, it is so very important we begin to serve others with the same comfort and love we were shown.  I have sadly watched women cling to their grief as a security blanket, never letting go and reaching out to others.  It is okay to find joy.  It is okay to live again.  It is okay to heal.

I’m not going to lie to you and say that I never cry and I never miss Emily and I never feel like my heart is going to break in two.  When you’ve lost a child, there’s never an end to your grief.  But, I can attest to the fact that with the Lord’s infinite mercy, you can heal.  Ask Him to fight the fears for you.  Ask Him to steady your feet on this path.  Ask Him to show you what He wants for you.

And thank you, my dear readers. for allowing me to share my precious daughter with you.  It is my hope and prayer that her life and her death and how her daddy and I have walked through it all has glorified the Lord and encouraged others along the way.  She was such a blessing to us and we will never be the same because of her.

Daddy holds Emily for the first time after her first surgery in December 2007.

Daddy holds Emily for the first time after her first surgery in December 2007.

Ask Amy – Older Moms

Being an Older Mom | RaisingArrows.netA reader asked:  I am 38 years old and we are trying for number 5. I am a little nervous about being 39 at delivery. If you don’t mind my asking, I was wondering how old you are? How have your pregnancies/deliveries changed with age? After delivery, about how long to you take off before starting back with school?

Now, I want to start this post by saying, I don’t feel like an “older mom” at all!  I will be 36 shortly after this baby arrives and I’m really not sure that qualifies me as older, but since I have quite a few lovely streaks of white dappling my hair (and I’m starting to notice them in my husband as well), I guess perhaps it is time for me to face the facts that I am getting “older” and some day I might be an older mom. ;)   The day someone suggests I am my own child’s grandmother is the day I know I’ve arrived!  For now, I’m still getting the, “You look too young to have 8 children.”  To which I reply…THANK YOU!!!!

So, for this post, I’ll give you my own personal experience along with a mix of experiences from friends of mine to give you an idea of what being an older mom is like.  (For a point of reference, it also might be helpful to know I had my first child at 21.  I had 4 children in my 20′s and this will be my 4th child in my 30′s.)

Is pregnancy harder?
My answer:  Not particularly.  I do think I’m slower and weaker physically, but for me difficult pregnancies have had very little to do with my age and very much to do with the time of year I’m giving birth.  Summer babies are very hard for me.  I have heard a lot of people say pregnancy in their 40′s was more difficult than in their 30′s, so I might just not be “old enough” yet.

Answers from some of my “older” friends who did feel it was harder:
Morning sickness was harder and longer.
Had to watch carbs/sugars more.
Fatigued easier during pregnancy.
Dealt with Gestational Diabetes for the first time.
Dealt with high blood pressure for the first time.
Pre-pregnancy weight being higher was a factor.
Felt weaker.
Body ached more.
More pelvic and rib pain.
3rd Trimester was harder.
Took longer to recover.

However, nearly ALL said the trade-off was that they were more laid back, knew their bodies better, and were less stressed with a newborn.  I can definitely vouch for that!

Several of my friends also said while the pregnancies were harder, the deliveries were not.  I agree with this statement as well.  My deliveries have definitely gotten easier.

I also want to quickly address the “risks” so many older moms hear about.  According to my OB, many of the “risks” are skewed by studies that do not take into account other factors…like abortion.  The latest statistic I heard on abortions due to a baby being diagnosed with Down Syndrome was 92%!  These are NOT all women in their 30′s and 40′s by any means.  Thus, the data ends up skewed.

The one risk my OB said does go up with age is the chance of developing Gestational Diabetes.  However, she said everyone’s risk toward diabetes goes up with age, pregnant or not, because our bodies have a harder time metabolizing sugars.

So, when am I ready to jump back in to my “regular life”, including school?  Usually within 2 weeks.  But, that is me and not necessarily the “norm”.  My body quickly realizes it is no longer pregnant and everything normalizes.  If I don’t get back to my regular routine, I feel a little cagey.  However, many women need way more time than that.  You have to listen to YOUR body and decide what YOUR body is telling you.  There is no “right” answer.

I want to leave you with something our pastor said this past week at church.  He is a 46 year old dad of 7 who was recently told he was too old to keep having children.  While he acknowledges his body is weaker and achier and he can’t do some of the things he did with his older children, he said,

“If God had intended our youngest child to be raised the same way our oldest child was raised, he would have given him to me first, rather than 7th.  God knew Z____ needed to be parented in the way I parent now and T____ needed to be parented in the way I parented then.”

I love this!  God is sovereign over all.  Even the order, gender, and number of children He gives us is by design!  So, if the Lord blesses you with a child when you are older, there is no need to fear.  He knows what He is doing!

Have a blessed weekend and take the time to hug all your “babies” and let them know just how loved they are!

Ask Amy – Boys and their Attitudes

When a reader emailed me with a question about boys’ attitudes, I was actually excited to be able to address this topic because it gives me the opportunity to share with all of you wisdom that was passed on to me many years ago.

Here is the email…
“I have a constant struggle with my struggling 10 year old boy. His attitude stinks, he is rude to others and mostly has a lack of discipline when it comes to doing school. I struggle with consequences for not getting work done…What have you found useful for motivating/ or disciplining your boys? Thanks for some creative ideas!”

First of all, it helps tremendously for mothers and fathers to know why boys often come to a point in their lives where they exhibit rude behavior and defiance toward things they never took issue with before.

The world will tell you this is just the “normal teenager” but that’s a somewhat hopeless answer; a throw-my-hands-up-in-the-air sort of answer.  Not acceptable.

What’s really going on is actually quite simple, but not something we moms readily realize…

Our boys are growing up.

That’s right.  That attitude you see is your son growing up and trying to figure out who he is, where his place is in the family, and over whom he has authority.

If your son has younger siblings, you might see him trying to exercise authority over them by barking orders or lashing out when they don’t do what he wants, when he wants it done.

You might see your son grouching over school work and giving you guff or even pouting.  He might seem moody and off kilter.  One day, he’s super man, the next, he’s totally unsure of himself.  (Sounds a bit like our daughters, huh?)

Boys go through hormonal changes, but they also go through dominion changes.  Honestly, I think all boys have an innate sense that they are supposed to conquer something.  Often, the first manifestation of this need to conquer starts with those closest to him…his own family.  In boyish foolishness, he sets out to be in charge.

So, what’s a mom to do (or a dad, for that matter) with this child who is looking to become a man?

1.  Lay ground rules about who is in charge.  Your son needs to know he cannot treat his family/friends/strangers with disrespect.  He needs to know what type of behavior you expect when it comes to family interactions and school work.  You have to set a standard and then hold him to it.  We’ll talk more in just a moment about one of the best ways to discipline when a standard is blatantly ignored.

2.  Give responsibility.  You’ve probably been watching your son’s behavior and thinking, this kid doesn’t deserve any responsibilities!  But, that will backfire on you.  Your son needs to know you expect him to become a man and he needs to be given man jobs, little by little.  Mom, you are going to have to let him grow up and let him try new things…hard things.  Praise him for the heavy lifting he does for you, praise him for diligence in completing a “man-sized” task, praise him for showing himself to be a workman approved.  When he does well, give him more responsibility and also more privileges.

3.  Revoke privileges as punishment.  Because he is beginning to have man-sized responsibilities and man-sized privileges, you now have a way to discipline your son when he has an attitude or tries to take over your authority or blatantly disrespects you.

Let me give you an example:  Suppose one privilege your son has acquired is the ability to shoot airsoft guns with friends in the field behind your house.  Suppose he chooses during one of his airsoft battles to yell at his little brother.  Because one of his man-sized responsibilities is to take charge of his younger brother and protect him and he did not do that job properly, he has now lost the ability to shoot airsoft guns with friends in the field.  He hasn’t lost the responsibility of caring for his younger brother, but he has lost the privilege of playing with friends.  In fact, for the next several weeks, he must take his little brother out to the field to shoot, lending him his own gun and giving him lessons on how to safely use an airsoft gun.

4. Point toward Christ as an example.  Guiding our son toward Christ provides him with 2 things:
A standard of godly living
and
Much needed humility.
Our sons need to see their faults and they need to see their need for a Savior, but they also need to see hope and approval in Christ.  Don’t let your son never be good enough.  Spending his growing up years harping on him over every little thing will not make him stronger, it will make him resentful.

5.  More time with Dad (if possible).  Mama, it’s time to start cutting the apron strings.  Your son needs to know what manhood looks like (yes, even imperfect manhood).  He needs to spend less and less time being your buddy and more and more time being about the things of men…preferably with his dad.

6.  Male role models are a must.  If Dad isn’t in the picture, then you’ll need to start here, but if dad is in the picture, this is not the place to start.  Wait on this one until your son has a well-established relationship with his father.  As he ages, he will naturally begin to seek out men who fit into his picture of role models.  Help him find these men and be involved, rather than defensive.  My son is 14 and this transition has not happened yet, nor do I anticipate it happening until he is several years older.  So, unless you are needing to help him find someone because of an absentee father, don’t push the issue of finding male role models outside the family.  And never, ever assume a man who appears to be safe and godly truly is.  This is one area where you should be protecting your son by being involved.

However, I would highly encourage you to start watching videos and reading the books of godly preachers with your son.  These men are role models too even if you do not know them personally!

I hope this sheds some light into the reasons why boys reach a certain age and start firing away with larger than life attitudes, as well as offering you a way to guide them toward manhood.  May you and your sons be blessed in the journey!

 

Ask Amy – Finding Rest

I get a lot of questions about sleep, like these 2 recent questions from readers:

I have three children 6 and under and am pregnant with my fourth. How
do you find peace and quiet to take a nap when you’re really
exhausted with pregnancy or a newborn? How do you teach your older
children to be quiet enough so all can get rest? My older two don’t
take naps anymore, but they aren’t quiet in their room during rest
time either.

and…

Sleep – how do you deal with sleep? I feel like I’m always so tired
between not sleeping well during pregnancy, during the newborn months,
during teething/illness/nightmares – and then starting all over again
in pregnancy! I haven’t slept well in ten years. Any advice would be
greatly appreciated!

I wrote a post a few years ago on how to get your children to sleep, but the essence of these two questions goes beyond simple sleep issues and into the realm of finding rest for mommy.

A couple of anecdotes from my own life to get us started…

1.  It is not uncommon for me to fall asleep while reading to the children.

2.  My husband bans me from driving in early pregnancy because of my tendency to fall asleep.

So, I understand exhaustion.  I also understand pregnancy to newborn to pregnancy again.  In September of 2010, I had given birth to 5 children in barely 6 years.  Normal is fairly relative in my world.

I want to first encourage all you exhausted mamas out there to avoid the guilt trip that looks like…

1.  I’m not getting a healthy amount of sleep if I don’t sleep 8 hours straight.
or
2.  I’m neglecting my children if I actually manage to sleep during the day.

Instead, let me offer you this:

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”
Matthew 11:28

“For I will satisfy the weary soul, and every languishing soul I will replenish.”
Jeremiah 31:25

If you are weary, languishing, heavy-laden, or laboring, you are promised rest in Christ!  It may not look the way you think it ought to look, but it is there because the Lord is faithful!

So, what can we mommies do to seek this rest and really soak it up?

Here are some ideas:

- Live like the temple you are.
I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.
Romans 12:1

We mommies are so negligent about this…myself included.  We do great at the sacrificing part and terrible at the living part.  Eat properly, drink properly, move your body, breathe deep, smile more, laugh more!  LIVE!

- Teach your children to respect Rest Time.  One of the most beneficial things I do when I have a new baby or when I am newly pregnancy is what we call Rest Time. However, you cannot declare one afternoon that everyone will be having Rest Time and then expect all to be quiet while you sleep soundly.  There has to be some training involved:

  • Lay down ground rules and expectations.
  • Set a time limit to Rest Time (set a timer if need be, so the timer is the bad guy and not you).
  • Give those who don’t nap something to do (i.e. listening to radio drama, coloring, reading, etc)
  • Don’t even try to sleep that first day or two or three.  Instead stand guard so you can catch anyone who isn’t “resting.”
  • Once you are confident they get the concept, find a place where you can rest and still be within earshot (and eyeshot, if need be) of the children.

(Note:  I have been known to rest in my husband’s recliner with a newborn in one arm and a toddler in the other while the other children rest in their beds.  Whatever works!)

- Consider how you are spending your waking hours.  Sometimes mamas are exhausted not because they are lacking sleep, but because they are cramming too much into their day.  While the Lord does not want you to be idle, He does not expect you to be Super Mommy either.  Often, rest comes with eyes wide open as we relax on a porch swing or slowly drink a cup of coffee.  Don’t fill your day so full, you miss life’s simple God-given pleasures.

- Seek the Lord.  Don’t forget to seek the Lord in all you do.  Work for Him.  Rest in Him.  Pray often throughout your day.  Expect answers.

Years ago, when I sang with a church praise team, this song was one of my favorites.  Christ should truly be the air we breathe…

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