Category Archives: Child Training

Ask Amy – Play Dates and Parties

How to Handle Bad Influences | RaisingArrows.netToday’s Ask Amy comes from a reader who asks:

How do you say no to a play date with a child whom you’d consider a bad influence? And what do you when you are at a birthday party where the theme is in opposition to your beliefs?  Can you avoid appearing self-righteous or snobby?

First, let’s get the last part of this question out of the way…

Any time you stand up for what you believe when it directly opposes those around you, you will appear self-righteous to someone.  Sorry, just the way it is.  And always remember…

“If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you.”
John 15:18

These situations are tough.  You wonder how “in the world, but not of it” are you supposed to be.  You wonder if you can be a good influence in the other child’s life without sacrificing your own child.  You wonder what God expects of you when it comes to ministering to others.

In the matter of play dates, there are a couple of things you can do.

1.  Always say no until they eventually stop asking.

2.  Occasionally say yes, but on your terms.

What I mean by #2, is to be the one in control of the play date.  Don’t create an environment where your child will be off alone with the other child.  Make it a play date that is family-oriented.  Make it a trip to a museum or zoo with the children near you at all times rather than a playground or home where the children run off and play outside your direct supervision.

If you do encounter something during a play date or party, you again have a couple of choices:

1.  Address it right then and there either publicly or privately.

2.  Address it later.

You first need to decide if it is bad enough that something needs to be said right then and there to the host or to your children.  Often, the matter is not so dire it needs to be publicly called out and you can get by with explaining quietly to your children why the other child’s behavior is unacceptable or why they won’t be participating in the current activity.  Sometimes you might need to explain to the other family why you feel the way you do, but the fewer words you use, the better.  Remember:

When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.
Proverbs 10:19

Before you publicly say anything, be sure you are clear why you believe what you believe, and it is not merely a matter of personal preference that is better off addressed later with your children or the other family.  Be discreet and be kind.

And please, please, please…be humble.

No family is perfect.  Not even yours.

Your turn!  How do you deal with bad influences when it concerns your children?

Got a question?
askamy

Ask Amy – Sleep Training Babies

Sleep Training Babies? | RaisingArrows.netToday, we have this question from a reader…

What is your take on sleep training babies?

She goes on to say she enjoys rocking and nursing her 8 month old to sleep, but she is tired and feeling pressure from well-meaning Christian friends who fear she will reap bad fruit from her methods.  She asks what my take on sleep training is, how I encourage my babies/toddlers to sleep, and how I get enough rest myself.

First of all, this question is quite controversial.  Everyone seems to have an opinion about what does and does not constitute spoiling a child when it comes to sleep habits.  I’m going to tell you right off the bat, I don’t think this issue is so black and white that you can definitively say one method is superior over another or that one method is pure evil while another is pure perfection.  Every situation is unique and generalizations that condemn or elevate one method over another are rarely helpful.

All that said, I’ll give you my experience and opinion, but remember, I have only my set of circumstances to take into consideration.  You need to look at your own set of circumstances and do the very best you can with what you have been given.  And above all, try not to stress and agonize over your choices.  This one issue is not going to make or break your parenting.

So, what is my take on sleep training?

I don’t do it.

That is, I don’t do it until they are older, and even then, I don’t do it the way the “experts” tell you to do it.

I don’t like the idea of trying to force an infant into a schedule.  They find a natural rhythm and that rhythm typically includes a couple of middle of the night feedings.

So, the next question is how do you as a tired mommy deal with middle of the night feedings?  Personally, I bring my babies to bed with me when they wake up that first time and there they stay.  It’s what has worked for us, but it’s not the only answer.

With one of my babies, I had a super comfy chair near where she slept and I would put on some soft music and sit in that chair and doze off while she nursed.  Eventually, I would wake up and put her back in her crib, and head back to bed.  I have very fond memories of listening to the music and my baby suckling in the stillness of the night hours.

But, there does come a time when I begin to feel my babies need to start working toward longer stretches of sleep at night.  However, there are many factors involved.  You have to make sure baby is ready to sleep through the night.  You have to make sure their tummies are full enough to make it through the night and they aren’t actually waking out of true hunger, rather than habit.  You have to make sure it isn’t their diaper or the temperature of the room or Daddy snoring (yes, I’m serious!) that is waking them up at night.  All these things can factor in and that is what makes Cry It Out (CIO), also known as the Ferber Method, less than ideal.

You have to take into account that your baby could be waking from something other than habit and those needs have to be addressed.  To use the snoring example, we realized our 7th child, who slept in a crib in our room, was waking up in the night because Daddy was snoring.  We moved him into another room and suddenly, he was sleeping through.  Another one of our children was waking up in the night because he was hyper-sensitive to wet cloth diapers.  We put him in a disposable for overnight and the problem was solved.  It would have been ridiculous for me to ignore these things with the assumption that my child was just being willful.

So, how do I encourage my babies/toddlers to sleep through the night?  Well, I don’t expect it at all until they are 10 months or so.  And even then, I know a stray night here and there is going to happen.  I also know that some children just don’t sleep as well as others.  My child with sensory issues didn’t sleep through the night until she was 5, but I did find many wonderful suggestions that helped her in this book:


The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley
(she also has a toddler version I have not read)

The biggest thing I took away from this book is having a bedtime routine that is calming, as well as having something that is associated with sleep (toy, blanket, etc).  Play relaxing music at night.  Turn down the lights and speak quietly.  Read devotions together and say prayers as a routine thing that triggers little one’s brains to know it is time for bed.  Have a special pillow or stuffed animal that comes out at night as they begin to unwind.

Even with babies, we do these things.  I swaddle our babies at night.  The house slowly winds down and becomes darker and quieter.  Eventually, baby falls fast asleep and we take him to his bed.  He has a routine that is relaxing for both of us.

If nursing and rocking your baby is relaxing for both of you, it is a win-win situation, but if one of you isn’t relaxed, then it’s time to rethink what you are doing.

Personally, as my babies get older, I stop rocking and nursing to sleep.  If possible, I nurse them and let them be up a bit longer before laying them down awake.  This encourages them to learn how to fall asleep on their own which translates into how to get back to sleep when they wake in the night.

When I have had an older baby who either fights going to sleep or wakes in the night out of habit, and I know they simply need to learn how to go to bed or how to soothe themselves back to sleep in the night, I follow a routine that looks something like this:

*Take care of all their nighttime needs (ie diaper changes, nursing, jammies).
*Follow a calming nighttime routine that includes the rest of the family.
*Carry baby off to bed, preferably at the same time each night.
*Lay baby down awake, with lights off and give them whatever “lovies” they are used to (doll, blankie, etc).
*Speak quietly and soothingly and do not linger.

If I have to help them a little more to get to sleep or sleep through the night, I go into their room without the lights on and often without speaking.  If I do need to say something because they are crying or jabbering, I speak very quietly and soothingly.  I don’t linger and I don’t pick them up unless I have to.  If they are standing up, I lay them back down gently and calmly.  I pat their backs and smooth their hair and hand them their lovie and I leave (again, not lingering).  I will do this over and over and over again until my little one realizes mama isn’t a lot of fun in the night, but she sure is quiet and calming.

This reader also asked how I get enough sleep.  Frankly, there are seasons in a mama’s life when sleep is a precious commodity.  Sometimes you get it.  Sometimes you don’t.  Besides co-sleeping with baby through the night, I also like to take baby to bed with me for a nap during the day if I can manage it.  I also institute Rest Time during baby’s first year where all my children are required to lay down for 1 hour during the afternoon.  My olders can read a book or draw, while my littles take a nap and mommy dozes.  If I have a toddler who might get into trouble while I’m sleeping, I bring them to bed with me or hold them in the chair while I sleep.  You can also sequester yourself and your children in a bedroom that is free from hazards and ways to get out and roam the house.  This way, you can doze a bit without worrying (too much) about the little ones.  Eventually, you will have older kids who are able to hold down the fort while you catch a few ZZZ’s.  Hang in there, mama!

Now it’s your turn!  What sleep advice do you have?

Have a question?
Ask Amy

Disciple Your Children {Free Resources!}

Last week as we started back to school, I refocused on discipleship as an integral part of our homeschool with several free resources I’ve picked up along the way.  You’ll find some really great, meaty, FREE content out there, but I don’t dare pretend I came up with stuff all on my own.  My friend Jill sends me emails full of great links and articles and I file it away on my computer.

Disciple Your Children with Free ResourcesIf you are anything like me, you have lists and Pinterest boards, and files and folders all over your house and computer.  Well, today, I’m going to add to your lists!  These are wonderful resources and all things we are using in our own homeschool…

My Bible Resources Pinterest Board:
Bible Resources BoardFoundations Bible Study
I have a hard copy I picked up at a conference, but you can download for free.  This is what we are using for morning Bible Study.
foundations_englishFantastic message from Paul Washer
I had my oldest two children (ages 12 & 14) watch this.

Cross TV video excerpts
These are part of a playlist from LaneCh’s YouTube channel

Hymn Study
Hymn-Study-for-Homeschoolers1-600x442

If you are Pinterest fan, I’d encourage you to start your own Bible Resources board and several times a week, refer to it and choose activities from it.  If you aren’t a Pinterest person, keep a file folder or a computer file with links and ideas.  Discipleship is the number one thing you should be focused on as a parent.  Make a plan and do it!

Teaching Character with a Habit Chart

Teaching Character with a Habit Chart |

In my post on homeschool burnout, I mentioned how character was an important part of educating your child.  While I believe character is quite often more “caught than taught,” I also believe children are inherently foolish and need guidance and reinforcement.  That’s where a Habit Chart can be very helpful.

Habit Charts are a simple tool I use whenever I want my children to learn a new skill or work on a certain behavior.  (They are even helpful for moms to work on habits of their own!)

habit chart example

The easiest way to work on specific character traits is to focus on one at a time.  Write the character trait you feel your child needs the most help with at the top of the Habit Chart.  Give the child a solid definition of that character trait (see reference section at the end of this post to find links to character studies and definitions)  Tell them every square on the chart equals a day and you are looking for ways they show that character trait.

Every day they display that trait – even once – you mark with a sticker or a check-mark or other such notation.  Remind them often about the character trait they are working on.  You will probably find they will come to you and proudly tell you of things they have done to display their character trait.  That is ok too!  Encourage them to actively seek ways to live out their character trait.  Practice, practice, practice!

I’m going to state the obvious here – you don’t want to teach one character trait to the exclusivity of all others.  Continue to infuse your child’s life with all honorable and godly traits while you steadily work on the ones they struggle with the most.

Also, I would encourage you to have each of your children work on a different trait (which shouldn’t be difficult considering every child is different and will have unique struggles).  I’ve found that things become too competitive and soon miss the point if everyone is trying to display the same trait.  And of course, don’t feel compelled to have every one one of your children using a habit chart at the same time.  This could be a bit overwhelming for mom!

Resources:

Download My Habit Chart Set 1
Download My Habit Chart Set 2

fruit of the spirit pinterest
Fruit of the Spirit Devotional for Little Ones from Raising Arrows & Mama’s Learning Corner

Character Traits with Definitions & Verses from IBLP


Character Sketches from IBLP
Volume 1
Volume 2
Volume 3
(we own this set and love the Audubon-like drawings as well as the lessons from nature and Scripture!)

10 Days of Character Studies from Confessions of a Homeschooler
Character Study Lapbook from Homeschool Share

Biblical Character Training Resources from Doorposts
KONOS Homeschool Curriculum (their original Elementary 3 book set is based on character traits)
Joyful Heart Character Curriculum for 4-6 year olds
Character Study Notebooking Set from Notebooking Pages

What good character habits are working toward in your home?

10 Questions Christians Need to Ask Themselves – Our response to the Connecticut shootings

I don’t usually write about current events here on Raising Arrows.  I leave that to other blogs to deal with accordingly, not because I don’t feel like current events should be addressed, but because the focus here at Raising Arrows is more on the little things that make up the big things that affect our world, rather than the events of the world itself.

Even today, I don’t intend to break down the events of Friday in Connecticut, but rather offer a focus in the form of some tough questions and eternal Truths.

The Truth is that human beings were made in the image of God and were created with purpose, but the humanism of our modern age ignores this Truth and creates an environment of devalued life and a purpose that thinks only of self.

Every single person killed on Friday, gunman included, was created in God’s image.  Every single person on this earth, no matter their faith (or lack thereof), their skin color, or their political affiliation were created in the image of God with purpose.  Not all see themselves or others this way, not all work toward fulfilling a purpose rooted and grounded in the Word of God; however, the fact that people do not see purpose in their lives or the lives of others does not null and void the fact that they have been created by Design.

We have to start seeing ourselves, our children, and everyone in this world as created in God’s image.  We have to speak purpose into our children’s lives.  We have to stop seeking self and start seeking God’s perfect will.  We have to raise up a new culture.  Only then will anger and lawlessness be stopped.  Only then will men cease to do what is right in their own eyes. (Judges 21:25)

Many people will try to control what happened in Connecticut with pointed fingers and stiffer laws.  There will be blame laid all over the place, but few will take the time to dig deep into what really happened.

We have created a culture where every man is out for himself and few seek the One True God.  We don’t acknowledge life as God-given and we don’t respect much outside of our own thoughts and opinions.  We take more than we give and we demand more than we defer.  We are so focused on the here and now and the culture of self that we have no need of God and no need of a Savior.  After all, we’ve done nothing wrong…or at least, nothing as wrong as that other guy.

Our church service last night was spent breaking down the truth of what happened on Friday.  We looked long and hard at the value of human life and the role of humanism in our modern society.  I walked away from that service with a heavy heart, one that grieved over my own part in this crisis.

I began to ask myself some tough questions.  Questions I believe every Christian should ask themselves…

1.  Inside and outside my home, whom do I serve?  Am I busy self-preserving or serving others in Christ’s name?  Is my heart inwardly or outwardly focused?

2.  Do my children know they are created in God’s image, not just by my words, but by my actions as well?  Do they know they have a God-given purpose.  Do they know we see each and every one of them as blessings and that we gladly accept these gifts from the Lord?  Do they know that Mommy and Daddy rejoice in being able to raise them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord? (Ephesians 6:4)

3.  Am I spending my time as a mother training my children up in the way they should go (Proverbs 22:6) or am I guiding them toward a humanist worldview?  Do they know that life is not about living for yourself and doing the things that make you happy, but that life is about loving and knowing God so that you can love others?

4.  When I see sin in others, do I become self-righteous or do I grieve over a back turned on God?  Do I love others enough to not want to see them go to hell?  Do I love others enough to take the time to be a beacon of Light and Hope?

5.  Do I spend a lot of time complaining?  Am I upset over my current situation or at the people in my life who bother me.  Am I living a life full of “poor-me’s”  or am I striving toward the joy of a life lived for Christ?

6.  Am I living as salt and light?  Do others see a life steeped in the Word of God?  Do I point others toward Christ?  Or am I too focused on myself to keep focused on Him?

7.  Am I striving to do the Lord’s will faithfully?  Am I content with where He has placed me?  Am I content with His timing?  Am I content with His purpose in my life?  Am I searching for what benefits me or am I seeking and waiting upon Him? (Psalm 27:14)

8.  Do I truly love others?  Do I believe every life matters?  Do I believe every life is God-given?  Not just the ones who do no harm, but also those who do?

9.  Do I know how to condemn the sin, but grieve over the sinner?  Do I know how to love the hard-to-love?

10.  What is the biblical response to sin and evil?  Where does my hope lie? (1 Peter 3:15)  What can I do to proclaim this hope, not just when tragedy strikes, but every single day of my earthly life?

Dear readers, I know what it is like to lose a child.  I know what it is like to try to cram everything you want to say about your child onto a piece of stone.  I know what it is like to always feel as if a piece of you is missing.

And I know my daughter’s life and death had purpose and meaning.

Now is not the time to find blame and point fingers.  It is time to offer hope.  It is time to outwardly live a Gospel-centered life that reaches across this land and beyond.

It’s time the Salt became salty once again.


Ask Amy – Boys and their Attitudes

When a reader emailed me with a question about boys’ attitudes, I was actually excited to be able to address this topic because it gives me the opportunity to share with all of you wisdom that was passed on to me many years ago.

Here is the email…
“I have a constant struggle with my struggling 10 year old boy. His attitude stinks, he is rude to others and mostly has a lack of discipline when it comes to doing school. I struggle with consequences for not getting work done…What have you found useful for motivating/ or disciplining your boys? Thanks for some creative ideas!”

First of all, it helps tremendously for mothers and fathers to know why boys often come to a point in their lives where they exhibit rude behavior and defiance toward things they never took issue with before.

The world will tell you this is just the “normal teenager” but that’s a somewhat hopeless answer; a throw-my-hands-up-in-the-air sort of answer.  Not acceptable.

What’s really going on is actually quite simple, but not something we moms readily realize…

Our boys are growing up.

That’s right.  That attitude you see is your son growing up and trying to figure out who he is, where his place is in the family, and over whom he has authority.

If your son has younger siblings, you might see him trying to exercise authority over them by barking orders or lashing out when they don’t do what he wants, when he wants it done.

You might see your son grouching over school work and giving you guff or even pouting.  He might seem moody and off kilter.  One day, he’s super man, the next, he’s totally unsure of himself.  (Sounds a bit like our daughters, huh?)

Boys go through hormonal changes, but they also go through dominion changes.  Honestly, I think all boys have an innate sense that they are supposed to conquer something.  Often, the first manifestation of this need to conquer starts with those closest to him…his own family.  In boyish foolishness, he sets out to be in charge.

So, what’s a mom to do (or a dad, for that matter) with this child who is looking to become a man?

1.  Lay ground rules about who is in charge.  Your son needs to know he cannot treat his family/friends/strangers with disrespect.  He needs to know what type of behavior you expect when it comes to family interactions and school work.  You have to set a standard and then hold him to it.  We’ll talk more in just a moment about one of the best ways to discipline when a standard is blatantly ignored.

2.  Give responsibility.  You’ve probably been watching your son’s behavior and thinking, this kid doesn’t deserve any responsibilities!  But, that will backfire on you.  Your son needs to know you expect him to become a man and he needs to be given man jobs, little by little.  Mom, you are going to have to let him grow up and let him try new things…hard things.  Praise him for the heavy lifting he does for you, praise him for diligence in completing a “man-sized” task, praise him for showing himself to be a workman approved.  When he does well, give him more responsibility and also more privileges.

3.  Revoke privileges as punishment.  Because he is beginning to have man-sized responsibilities and man-sized privileges, you now have a way to discipline your son when he has an attitude or tries to take over your authority or blatantly disrespects you.

Let me give you an example:  Suppose one privilege your son has acquired is the ability to shoot airsoft guns with friends in the field behind your house.  Suppose he chooses during one of his airsoft battles to yell at his little brother.  Because one of his man-sized responsibilities is to take charge of his younger brother and protect him and he did not do that job properly, he has now lost the ability to shoot airsoft guns with friends in the field.  He hasn’t lost the responsibility of caring for his younger brother, but he has lost the privilege of playing with friends.  In fact, for the next several weeks, he must take his little brother out to the field to shoot, lending him his own gun and giving him lessons on how to safely use an airsoft gun.

4. Point toward Christ as an example.  Guiding our son toward Christ provides him with 2 things:
A standard of godly living
and
Much needed humility.
Our sons need to see their faults and they need to see their need for a Savior, but they also need to see hope and approval in Christ.  Don’t let your son never be good enough.  Spending his growing up years harping on him over every little thing will not make him stronger, it will make him resentful.

5.  More time with Dad (if possible).  Mama, it’s time to start cutting the apron strings.  Your son needs to know what manhood looks like (yes, even imperfect manhood).  He needs to spend less and less time being your buddy and more and more time being about the things of men…preferably with his dad.

6.  Male role models are a must.  If Dad isn’t in the picture, then you’ll need to start here, but if dad is in the picture, this is not the place to start.  Wait on this one until your son has a well-established relationship with his father.  As he ages, he will naturally begin to seek out men who fit into his picture of role models.  Help him find these men and be involved, rather than defensive.  My son is 14 and this transition has not happened yet, nor do I anticipate it happening until he is several years older.  So, unless you are needing to help him find someone because of an absentee father, don’t push the issue of finding male role models outside the family.  And never, ever assume a man who appears to be safe and godly truly is.  This is one area where you should be protecting your son by being involved.

However, I would highly encourage you to start watching videos and reading the books of godly preachers with your son.  These men are role models too even if you do not know them personally!

I hope this sheds some light into the reasons why boys reach a certain age and start firing away with larger than life attitudes, as well as offering you a way to guide them toward manhood.  May you and your sons be blessed in the journey!