Our oldest was almost 3. His younger sister had just turned 1. It was January 2002 and my husband, their father, was leaving as a deployed Army Reservist for Operation Enduring Freedom. What we did not know that night was that he would return nearly a year later, only to be called up for Operation Noble Eagle for another year.
When he was finally a permanent resident of our home once again, our children were 6 and 3. A lot had happened in those 2 years.
- I miscarried a baby.
- We started homeschooling.
- The refrigerator broke.
- I got rid of the TV.
- I learned to sew.
- My son learned to read.
- My daughter was potty-trained.
- Our son played T-ball for the first time.
- And a whole host of other things!
All of which my husband missed.
Deployments aren’t easy no matter how you slice them. But for the Christian family it creates a whole new set of issues that other families don’t necessarily think about.
How can Dad stay the head of this household when he isn’t here?
In fact, this issue arises for any family that has a Husband and Daddy who is away a lot, the difference being a deployed head of household doesn’t often have the direct contact via electronic devices and phone lines that traveling fathers have. {During the first deployment, we could chat via internet web cams about once a week and via phone for 15 minutes every 2 weeks. And of course, it was all monitored. 
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So, how can you as the wife and mother and sole caregiver of the household help to keep your husband in his rightful place while he’s away? Here are a few ideas:
What would Daddy say?
This isn’t an idle threat, it’s an attitude. Yes, the chaplain (if he’s a good one) will say at Mobilization that if the refrigerator breaks and mama buys a new one, it’s ok, but mama, you best be thinking about what your husband would want you to do.
And when it comes to the children, think about how he would handle certain situations. Don’t suddenly become a totally different family the second Daddy is out the door. Daddy’s words and advice should still permeate the atmosphere.
Stand united!
Even though I could not ask Ty about every situation that arose, I still used the words, “Ty and I…” to show a united front to the children and to outsiders. Don’t leave your husband out of the equation simply because he is not there. You are still a married couple and a family unit and everyone should be able to see that clearly.
Save up questions for him.
I would obviously tackle the major issues as they happened and report to Ty later, but anything I could save for my 15 minutes that involved household decisions I wrote down on a piece of paper and brought to him for an actual decision. This made him feel useful to us and it kept us connected through the little things.
Talk Dad up.
When Blake learned to read, I said, “Daddy is going to be so excited!” No, Daddy wasn’t going to get to hear him read for quite a while, but I knew Daddy would be excited and I knew the next time we talked, I’d be able to tell him the news. I wanted my son to know that his accomplishments were important to not just me, but his father as well.
You also have to be careful not to belittle Daddy while he’s away. Even if you are struggling in your marriage, your children will in no way benefit from you airing this fact to them. He is their father. He is the head of the household. No matter how you feel. Show him his due respect in his God-given role and let the children see you offer that respect in word and deed.
If you are a military wife, I would like to recommend an online magazine for Christian military wives called Wives in Bloom. Carlie, one of the contributing writers, who also blogs at So You Call Yourself a Homeschooler, let me know about this wonderful resource and I wanted to pass it along to all of you.
Ty is no longer in the military, but his job does take him away on frequent business trips, none of which could ever compare to those 2 years he was deployed. When he first took this job, someone said to me, “You know he’ll be gone a lot of nights and weekends,” to which I replied, “It isn’t 2 years.” Perspective, my friends…perspective.
So, how do you keep Dad at the head of the family while he’s away?
A facebook reader recently asked how a mother should handle knowing she has messed up when it comes to her children. You could hear this mother’s heart breaking from guilt and pain. I promised her I would address the topic here on Raising Arrows. I would also welcome any loving Truth-abiding input from you, my dear readers.
About a year ago, we taught our then 10 year old daughter how to make coffee. She loves coffee and we figured it was something she could easily learn to make and then, in turn, use to serve others (she also makes a mean pitcher of lemonade!)
The Christian mother has an opportunity to die to self daily as she learns to love her husband and children. The Christian homeschooling mother of many often finds this opportunity amplified. She may even feel as though she is forced to die to self because of all the needs that cry out for her every moment.