Keeping Dad the Head of the Household While He’s Away

Ty deployedOur oldest was almost 3.  His younger sister had just turned 1.  It was January 2002 and my husband, their father, was leaving as a deployed Army Reservist for Operation Enduring Freedom.  What we did not know that night was that he would return nearly a year later, only to be called up for Operation Noble Eagle for another year.

When he was finally a permanent resident of our home once again, our children were 6 and 3.  A lot had happened in those 2 years.

  • I miscarried a baby.
  • We started homeschooling.
  • The refrigerator broke.
  • I got rid of the TV.
  • I learned to sew.
  • My son learned to read.
  • My daughter was potty-trained.
  • Our son played T-ball for the first time.
  • And a whole host of other things!

All of which my husband missed.

Deployments aren’t easy no matter how you slice them.  But for the Christian family it creates a whole new set of issues that other families don’t necessarily think about.

How can Dad stay the head of this household when he isn’t here?

In fact, this issue arises for any family that has a Husband and Daddy who is away a lot, the difference being a deployed head of household doesn’t often have the direct contact via electronic devices and phone lines that traveling fathers have.  {During the first deployment, we could chat via internet web cams about once a week and via phone for 15 minutes every 2 weeks.  And of course, it was all monitored. ;) }

So, how can you as the wife and mother and sole caregiver of the household help to keep your husband in his rightful place while he’s away?  Here are a few ideas:

What would Daddy say?

This isn’t an idle threat, it’s an attitude.  Yes, the chaplain (if he’s a good one) will say at Mobilization that if the refrigerator breaks and mama buys a new one, it’s ok, but mama, you best be thinking about what your husband would want you to do.

And when it comes to the children, think about how he would handle certain situations.  Don’t suddenly become a totally different family the second Daddy is out the door.  Daddy’s words and advice should still permeate the atmosphere.

Stand united!

Even though I could not ask Ty about every situation that arose, I still used the words, “Ty and I…” to show a united front to the children and to outsiders.  Don’t leave your husband out of the equation simply because he is not there.  You are still a married couple and a family unit and everyone should be able to see that clearly.

Save up questions for him.

I would obviously tackle the major issues as they happened and report to Ty later, but anything I could save for my 15 minutes that involved household decisions I wrote down on a piece of paper and brought to him for an actual decision.  This made him feel useful to us and it kept us connected through the little things.

Talk Dad up.

When Blake learned to read, I said, “Daddy is going to be so excited!”  No, Daddy wasn’t going to get to hear him read for quite a while, but I knew Daddy would be excited and I knew the next time we talked, I’d be able to tell him the news.  I wanted my son to know that his accomplishments were important to not just me, but his father as well.

You also have to be careful not to belittle Daddy while he’s away.  Even if you are struggling in your marriage, your children will in no way benefit from you airing this fact to them.  He is their father.  He is the head of the household.  No matter how you feel.  Show him his due respect in his God-given role and let the children see you offer that respect in word and deed.

If you are a military wife, I would like to recommend an online magazine for Christian military wives called Wives in Bloom.  Carlie, one of the contributing writers, who also blogs at So You Call Yourself a Homeschooler, let me know about this wonderful resource and I wanted to pass it along to all of you.

Ty is no longer in the military, but his job does take him away on frequent business trips, none of which could ever compare to those 2 years he was deployed.  When he first took this job, someone said to me, “You know he’ll be gone a lot of nights and weekends,” to which I replied, “It isn’t 2 years.”  Perspective, my friends…perspective.

So, how do you keep Dad at the head of the family while he’s away?

Slow Summer Mothering {Welcome Home Link Up}

I must admit, Summer is not my favorite season.  I don’t know if I became this way due to marrying a man who would rather vacation in Alaska in February than head to the beach any time of year or if pregnancy in the summertime pretty much ruined my taste for the heat.  No matter the reason, from the moment the temps head over 90, our family is ready to lay around the house drinking lemonade and panting like dogs while we dream of vacationing in the mountains.

Unlike many American families, summer around here is a time when we slow down.  Sure, we have our fair share of Boy Scout Camps and horse riding lessons and such, but we do not run a break-neck pace through the summer.  We sort of simmer through summer.  Slow-cook, if you will.

Here are a few more facts about my slow summer style…

*I like to get up earlier in the summer – Back when Ty was deployed, I would get up early on those summer mornings and read my Bible and watch the sun come up on my front porch before my two little ones would rise for the day.  Those are precious memories for me.  Since early morning is the only time of day that is not hot in the summer months (for the most part), I like to drink it in!

*I keep my little ones out of the sun – We typically do not head outside for the day until after 5pm.  We do occasionally go out in the morning (especially to do school), but for the most part, we stay out of the direct sunlight.  I have fair-haired, fair-skinned babies, so no sun-bathing here.

*Meals become what I like to call Amish Lunch.  In my early married years, I read a syndicated newspaper column called The Amish Cook.  She would write about what they had for meals and I was struck by how often lunch would consist of assorted garden produce (some pickled, some not), cheese, bread, jams and butter.  In the summer months I adopt this Amish Lunch with our own flair!  We’ll often be found snacking on cheese and crackers, carrot sticks and pickles.  We’ll eat tortillas rolled up with whatever I can find in the refrigerator or crackers and dip.  Cold, practical and so-not-fancy!

*We school year round. It just makes sense for our family since our major vacation of the year is not in the summer months (off-season is a beautiful thing for a large family!) and I never know when the next baby might be joining our family or we might need to loan a big kid out to a grandparent.

*Running through the sprinklers beat public swimming pools any day.  Public swimming pools and beaches can be a nightmare for a large family with more littles than bigs.  (Not to mention the rather scantily-clad young ladies you see there), so we prefer to stick close to home and play in the sprinklers.  We also have a hot tub at our new house that has the ability to be a “cool” tub in the summer, so we turn it down and use it as a pool of sorts.

*I like my skirts and sandals in the summer.  There is just something lovely about a long-flowing skirt and a cute pair of sandals in the summertime. I feel as if I’ve stepped out of a painting of ladies walking in a flower garden in England.

If you are looking for more skirt ideas, check out the She Wears Skirts series I did with Caroline from The Modest Mom and also see her store for lovely summer skirts like this Ruffled Skirt.  You get 10% off your entire order when you use the code

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*I’m slow-paced by nature.  I am naturally a Mary, not a Martha.  I’m pretty laid back and would rather have a long conversation than clean a kitchen any day.  Since I know this about myself, I have learned to clean first so I can be a Mary without detriment to my home all summer long.

So, what kind of Summer Mother are you?  Slow-paced or super-busy?  I’d love to hear about what makes your summer tick!


When You Know You’ve Messed Up {Welcome Home Link Up}

go to jailA facebook reader recently asked how a mother should handle knowing she has messed up when it comes to her children.  You could hear this mother’s heart breaking from guilt and pain.  I promised her I would address the topic here on Raising Arrows.  I would also welcome any loving Truth-abiding input from you, my dear readers.

The very first thing you have to do any time you realize you have done wrong is repent before the Lord.  Humble yourself and say you are sorry.  Then, go to your children and ask their forgiveness as well.  It’s hard and no one likes to do it, but it is oh so necessary.

We have to take responsibility for our actions as mothers.  I’m not allowed to yell at the kids just because I had a bad day.  Yes, it happens, but it’s not excusable…ever.  I’m not perfect, nor do I expect others to be perfect, but when you mess up, you say you’ve messed up.

And no matter if your children are young or old, you start at the same place to repair the damage…Scripture.  What is the root of your troubles with your children?  Is it anger?  Is it inconsistency in your own life?  Perhaps it is bitterness or discontent.  Scripture speaks to it all.

But knowing what the Bible says is not enough.

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Years ago, while reading Teri Maxwell’s Homeschooling with a Meek and Quiet Spirit, I realized that you cannot possibly PRETEND to be a Spirit-filled mother.  You cannot try harder and do better for very long without falling flat on your face…again.

For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.
Matthew 12:34b

You can’t just read all the passages about the particular issue you are dealing with and then put those into practice as if they were a formula to live your life by.  You have to be living and breathing God’s Word…day in and day out.  The abundance of your heart has to change before the overflow will reflect that change.

So, that is my advice to moms who know they have messed up.  Repent, tell your children you are sorry, get into God’s Word and beg Him to fill you up with His goodness and mercy so that you can do nothing but overflow the love of Jesus to your children.

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We Time {guest post}

Amy's Great Grandparents

Amy's Great Grandparents

Dear Readers – I asked Anna from Learning Littlebits to guest post after I read a lovely comment she left on my post Caring For Yourself – The Me Time Myth Revisited.  I loved what she had to say and wanted her to share her heart here.  She told me she had intended to write a fun little post about what We Time looks like in her family, but as she prayed over the post, it took a very different turn.  I love it when God works like that and I pray you will be immensely blessed by what Anna has to share.

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The beginning of 2011 brought my family some difficult challenges.  We found ourselves in a place we did not want to be.  This caused me to ask, “how did we end up here?”

God’s word tells me that “I do not have, because I do not ask.” (James 4:2)  So, I asked God to show me why my family was so disconnected, why were we hurting so badly, and why were we falling apart?

God is faithful and He answered, with this:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

  •  Was I patient and kind with my husband and my children?
  • Was I arrogant and rude?
  • Was I irritable and resentful?
  • Did I delight in seeing my husband or my children do wrong?
  • Was I bearing all things, believing and hoping for the best for my husband and children?
  • Was I enduring all things for my family?

God showed me the problem; the problem was me!

I was shocked because I love my family!  I take care of them everyday.  I cook, clean, educate.  I kiss boo-boo’s, change dirty diapers, wipe runny noses. How could I not be loving my family?

As I continually meditated and prayed over 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, it was clear I was not loving my family.  I was going through the motions.  I was taking care of my family out of duty and obligation; not out of love.  I woke up every morning not looking forward to the day ahead.

I was impatient and rude to my husband and children. I was rude if my husband was late home from work. I would snap if I had to keep addressing the same behaviors over and over in my children.

I was irritable and resentful.  I resented the fact that my husband would get to leave everyday and go to work (okay, in my mind it was more like a vacation at the office), while I slaved all day at home.  I basically made my family feel guilty for being alive.

I did delight in seeing my husband and children do wrong, because I could use it as a weapon against them, to make them feel more guilty.

I spent my days trying to find ways to escape and when I didn’t get time to myself I would become bitter.  I felt my husband should do more, my kids should appreciate me more.  I became all about me.  I thought only of myself, not God, not my family, just me.  My focus was not on serving others, but on how others could serve me.

I was not enduring for my family.

ENDURING Lasting; continuing without perishing; bearing; sustaining; supporting with patience, or without opposition or yielding. (Webster 1828 dictionary)

Every wise woman builds her house, but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands. Prov. 14:1

The notes for this verse in my ESV Study Bible state, “Sinful people sometimes become highly irrational and foolishly destroy the fruit of many years of work.”

That was me.  I was the foolish woman tearing down my own house.

I had forgotten to love;  I forgot that I rise each morning to care for my family because of love.  Not because I expect something in return.

Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.  Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.

You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Philippians 2:3-5

I must have the same attitude as Christ Jesus…..Jesus died on the cross for my sin because He loved me.  Sacrificial love…keeping no record of wrongs….no resentment…just love.

Amazing!

It’s been a year since God taught me this lesson and our lives are changing for the better.   We are a family being transformed by love.  I rise every morning with the same goal in mind… to love my family well.  To love cooking for them, cleaning up after them and educating them.  To love kissing boo-boo’s, changing diapers, wiping noses.  Just to love, no score keeping, no resentment just smiles and love.  By God’s grace it is getting easier everyday to break the old patterns.

The desire to love led me to “We Time”.  This is time to connect with my husband and children.  A time they have my attention to share what is on their hearts.  It is the desire to spend time with others instead of myself.

So what does “We Time” look like at our house?  It’s very simple really.

Marriage “We Time”

  •  Go out for lunch or dinner.
  •  Take a walk in the park.
  •  Talking over morning coffee before the kids wake up.
  •  Pick an interest and enjoy it together like fishing, target shooting, hiking, cooking etc.
  •  Crawl in bed early so you have time to snuggle, pray together and dream together.
  •  Keep a journal in the nightstand filled with questions to get to know each other better and fill in the answers.
  •  Ask your husband how can your pray for him, or what can you do to make his day better?
  •  Couch Time, spend 15-30 minutes together on the couch together.  The kids can play quietly, but they are not allowed to interrupt this time between mommy and daddy.
  •  Send love notes.  I like to send little emails to my husband throughout the week to let him know how much I appreciate him.

{I would not recommend watching movies or TV often this is to be a time for conversation and bonding.}

“We Time” with Children

  • Take a child or two shopping, treat them to lunch or ice cream and talk.
  • Take a walk or bike ride as a family or play kickball together this is cheaper than joining the gym *smile*.
  • Learn a craft or skill together.
  • Have a child help you prepare supper, this is a great time to talk with older kids as sometimes they open up better when busy doing something.
  • Keep a journal for you and the kids too.  They can share their favorite bible verses with your and their prayer requests.  You can share special stories with them from your childhood or any special memories you have of them when they were little.
  • Look through family scrapbooks together.
  • Study the bible together.  Share with the kids what your learning.
  • Saturday morning donut breakfast, my kids personal favorite.  We get donuts from a local donut shop and sit around the kitchen table talking.

{This of course is not an exhaustive list.}

“We time” will look different for each family, it’s just about relationships and spending time together.  It’s about creating marital oneness, family bonds and being an example to my children on how to put others first.

Because of we time my family enjoys being together again.  Our house is filled with laughter and my teenagers don’t hide in their rooms anymore, they like to hang out with mom and dad.

Here is the great paradox, when I became purposeful about “we time” I became a better “me” and became less interested in escaping my family.  But, my family now wanted to give me some time for myself.  Now, my husband brings me a cup of coffee and says, “go spend some time setting your goals for the month, I’ve got the kids.”  Or my kids will clean up after supper so I can relax in a bubble bath.  This is the best kind of me time because it is given to me in love as a gift.

Ann from Learning LittlebitsAnna is happily married to Brian, her middle school sweetheart and spends her days laughing and learning with their 7 kids.  She loves a good cup of coffee with a piece of french silk pie and is obsessed with cloth diapers, books and office supplies.    She shares her thoughts at Learning Littlebits.

Let Them Make Coffee {Welcome Home Link Up}

About a year ago, we taught our then 10 year old daughter how to make coffee.  She loves coffee and we figured it was something she could easily learn to make and then, in turn, use to serve others (she also makes a mean pitcher of lemonade!)

Last week, our 6 year old decided he wanted to be “big” like his sister and make coffee too.  Thankfully, I caught him before he just dove right in and I helped him get started (and finished).

He donned an apron (because that’s what all good cooks do) and got down to work.  By the time the coffee was brewing, he had actually done very little of the work involved, but he felt like he had truly made the coffee.

Having eager youngsters can be a difficult thing for a mama.  We hear how we are supposed to let them help in the kitchen and we really want to do that, but we have a distorted view of what that looks like.  We envision waist-high kiddos measuring and stirring and grabbing ingredients for us in a way that is truly helpful.  However, more often than not, it looks more like this:

Mom:  “Can you get me the sugar?”

Child:  “Sure!”

3 minutes later…

Child: “MOM!  I can’t find the sugar!”

Mom:  “It on top of the flour bin.”

Child:  “I don’t see it.”

Mom:  “I’ll come get it.”

Mom finds sugar on top of flour bin.

And this goes on and on and on.

I once had a young woman tell me that her mother was very good about letting the children in her family help with things in the kitchen and whenever they would ask, she would say in her sweetest voice with a smile on her face,

“Oh good!  It only takes me twice as long when you help!”

This woman had a correct view of children helping in the kitchen.  She knew it was not going to be easy, but she also knew it was a step in the right direction and one that needed to be taken not to actually have a “helper” in the kitchen but to instill in each child a sense of worth and belonging and to spur them on to even greater things.

So, let them make coffee…or think they did.

This is the LAST WEEK for the Norwex Party, so please, take a look at the catalog, and send your order to my friend Renee, by emailing her at:

drposchen at cox dot net

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This weekend, I was blessed to attend and speak at the most God-honoring blogging conference I have ever attended.  It was the 2:1 Conference in D.C. where the focus was Christian homeschool blogging.  I have come home very tired, but so excited to see what God has in store for the world of Christian homeschool bloggers who use their platform for His glory!

Speaking of blogging as a Christian homeschooler -

In case you missed it, I launched a site last month called Homeschool Bogging.

HomeschoolBlogging.comMy vision for this site is to encourage and educate homeschool bloggers and homeschool businesses to blog and work together in mutually beneficial relationships for the common goal of glorifying Jesus Christ!  If you are a blogger or homeschool business, please take some time to check out the site, subscribe, and grow!

And now onto the Welcome Home Link Up!  It sure is good to be home!


Caring for Yourself {The Me Time Myth Revisited}


Welcome back to 10 Days of Large Family Homeschooling
Start at the Beginning of the Series

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.
Romans 12:1

Years ago, when I wrote The Me Time Myth, I never expected the backlash I received.  I felt the ones who gave me a good tongue-lashing (even going so far as to suggest my children will hate me one day) truly did not hear my heart in the matter.  I felt terribly misunderstood, but chose to avoid strife and stand quietly by my message.  So, bringing up this topic again is something I do with trepidation and trembling before the Lord.

As I see it, most homeschooling moms of many fall into 3 camps when it comes to the all-encompassing term “Me Time”.  They either live for it, piously deny themselves of it, or feel guilty if they get it.  Very few seem to have a healthy view of this hotly debated issue.

Today, I hope to shed some light on my original intentions with The Me Time Myth as well what I see from Scripture as the way we should approach this topic.

Me Time shouldn’t be the air we breathe.

I once overheard a woman tell her friends she could not live without her daily excursions to the gym where she could be without children and in her own space with her own thoughts.  Suggesting you cannot live without Me Time is absurd and altogether frightening.

As mothers, we are called to love our husband and love our children. (Titus 2:4)  Some suggest you cannot truly love these people if you are not first loving yourself.  They talk of filling yourself first so you can fill others.  But nowhere do I see that precedent in the Bible.  In fact, I see the opposite.  I see Scriptures about giving of yourself and caring for others ahead of your own needs.

Me Time should never be our life line.  It should never be something we live for or try to get more of.  It isn’t commanded by Scripture and should not be taught as such.

Me Time martyrs

However, there are those who staunchly proclaim their superiority because they have NEVER done anything that even remotely resembles Me Time.  They decry anyone who goes to women’s retreats or on vacations sans children.  They rail against everything from bubble baths to curling irons to Starbucks coffee.

It’s not the denying yourself I have a hard time stomaching.  It’s the pride.  (Galatians 6:4)  If you have to tell everyone how noble you are, are you really noble?

The Guilty Moms Club

My heart goes out to these moms. They are trying to do the right thing. They truly love their families, but they are weary and need encouragement and strength to keep going. At the very heart of the matter, they love homeschooling, they love being around their children, but they have off-days, off-weeks, and yes, sometimes even off-years. They long for a better life. They long for a peaceful home surrounded by happy faces and cheerful hearts, but they just cannot seem to make it work.

So, they hide.

They escape into Me Time every chance they get.  But they know it doesn’t satisfy and they feel guilty…oh so guilty.

A healthy view of me

The Christian mother has an opportunity to die to self daily as she learns to love her husband and children.  The Christian homeschooling mother of many often finds this opportunity amplified.  She may even feel as though she is forced to die to self because of all the needs that cry out for her every moment.

The answer to her struggle for more time, more energy, more joy is not to have less children or to stop homeschooling or to immerse herself in Me Time.

The answer is worship.

Romans 12:1 – the verse at the top of this post – sums up why Me Time is a myth.  The sacrifices I make should never be about me.  The time I spend away from my family should never be about me.  The causes I support, the blog posts I write, the friendships I make should never be about me.  They should always be about Him.

I can carve out time away from my children for a coffee with my husband because I am there to rejoice in a marriage that daily shows the goodness of the Lord.  I can spend a weekend at a conference with friends because I’m there to proclaim the glory and honor of Jesus Christ.  I can even take a bubble bath with candles and soft music because I am there to pray.

In the Subscriber Pack is a daily checklist I call Mom’s Sacrifice List.  It is a list of things you can do to take care of yourself so that you are presenting to God a sacrifice that isn’t merely hanging on by a thread, but rather is a LIVING sacrifice.

Moms, I want you to know it is okay to take care of yourself.  It is okay to stay at home and it is okay to go out.  It is okay to exercise and okay to take a break.  The thing you must always keep at the forefront of whatever it is you do is that this is NOT about YOU.

This is worship.

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