If you look at the titles of the topics here on Raising Arrows, you will quickly see

I am a mother.

The minute I wake up (and often long before I wake up), I am mothering in some way.  I nurse the baby, I homeschool the children, I change diapers, cook meals, and wash laundry in copious amounts.  I hug, kiss, and snuggle from sun up to sun down.  I love it and wouldn’t change it for the world, but…

It would be easy for my entire life to become child-centered.

I was blessed to be raised in a home where my parents’ marriage was a priority.  I knew I was loved, but I also knew I didn’t belong in every conversation and every situation.  My mom and dad were strong parents because they had a strong marriage…not the other way around.

Many husbands feel they play second fiddle to the kids.  Many moms feel they could parent a whole lot better if Dad would get out of the way.  They aren’t in this together because they don’t do much of anything TOGETHER.

Our homes are not to be child-centered.  They are to be family-centered and that starts with a marriage that is grounded and focused.  The marriage must be a priority.

Not every moment of the day should be child-filled.  Not every conversation need involve the children.  Closed doors are good.  Locks are even better.

I want my children to know that mommy and daddy love them because they love each other.  I want them to know that the covenant between us is of the utmost importance and when the going gets tough, mommy and daddy stand united…not because we are their parents, but because we are of one flesh.

Here are a few ways you can help make your marriage a priority.  I hope you will see that it is often the little things that speak the loudest.

Have the children go to bed a little early, so you and your husband can have time to unwind together.

Make a special treat for him every couple of days.  Make sure you tell him you made it with him in mind.

Hang out in the bathroom while he takes a shower and chit-chat through the curtain (or surprise him by joining him behind the curtain!)

Have him call you on his way home from work so you can meet him in the driveway for a little “alone time” in the vehicle.

Keep him updated on the happenings at home (not always the bad stuff, please!) via phone, text messages, or email.

Pray together.

Share a pillow.

Don’t be afraid to lock the bedroom door…in the middle of the day.

Have him read the Bible to you.

Laugh together.  A lot!

Dance in the kitchen.

Kiss in front of the kids.

Teach the children not to interrupt conversations.

Don’t always choose family activities based on what the kids want to do.  It’s okay for the kids to spend the weekend doing what mom and dad want to do, going where mom and dad want to go, and yes, even eating where mom and dad want to eat!

May your marriage be blessed and your parenting a testimony to that love!

Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
Matthew 19:4-6

I’m almost certain every married couple has their own newlywed cooking disasters stories.  Here are the two most common stories we tell visitors when the topic turns to cooking and early marriage.  Have a seat in a comfy chair and prepare to be entertained!

Story #1
“Ty Loves Albacore Tuna”

As a newlywed, I did not know how to cook much of anything.  I had wooed my unsuspecting husband with some tummy tempting treats I had eeked out of a cookbook in my mom’s cupboard.  I looked brilliant!

Fast forward to a few months into our marriage and you will find me cooking out of boxes and cans.  One such can was an albacore tuna can.  You see, Ty’s mother had informed me that Ty loved albacore tuna!  In fact, she bought several cans for me and I was cooking Tuna Helper several times a week, despite the fact I HATED tuna.  I would nibble politely on the meager helping on my plate whilst serving up a heaping helping onto Ty’s, knowing he loved it so much he would never notice how much I had to scrunch up my nose to get the stuff down.  I even began to branch out from the boxed tuna helper and come up with my own casseroles centered around my new husband’s beloved albacore tuna.

One day, as we sat at our little dining room table (better recognized as a card table with folding chairs), my husband looked over yet another lovely tuna dish and into my eyes and said,

“I appreciate your cooking and all you do, and I’m sure you must love tuna, but I don’t know how to say this…”

Oh no!  My cooking really was atrocious!  Something was burnt?  It didn’t taste like his mother’s tuna noodle casserole!  Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear…..

“It’s ok.  What’s wrong?” I replied, bracing myself for the worst.

“Well…I don’t like tuna.”

“WHAT?!  But your mother said you loved tuna!  She even bought me your favorite kind!”

“Oh no, I HATE tuna!”

“I HATE tuna too!”

“WHAT?!  You mean all these months we’ve been eating tuna this and tuna that and neither one of us liked it?”

Yep, that’s right…we had both been politely choking it down, thinking the other one loved tuna.  And that, my friends, was the last tuna dish cooked in our house.

For the record, my mother-in-law really DID think Ty loved albacore tuna.  We’re not entirely sure how this misconception came about, but it sure made for quite a story!

Story #2
Hominy Casserole

Around this same time, my beloved husband informed me he really liked hominy.  Well, I made no bones about the fact that I seriously hated the stuff (I mean, come on!  It looks like blown up corn and tastes like mush…no thank you.)  But, I am a good wife and I scoured my Betty Crocker cookbook to find a recipe that would make my husband happy.

The only recipe in the book was one that called for jalapenos.  Remember me…the young wife who doesn’t know how to cook?  Well, I had never in my life cooked with jalapenos, but the recipe made it seem simple enough, so I purchased all the ingredients (including the disgusting corn-on-steroids in a can) and headed home to make my husband something he would rave about for years to come.

Alone in our apartment kitchen, I dug into those jalapenos like I’d been doing it all my life.  I sliced and diced, threw them in the casserole (seeds and all) and then it happened…

A hair got in my eye.

I brushed it away.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I fell on the floor, writhing in pain.  My eye was burning, my whole face was burning!  I couldn’t see.  I could only roll around on the kitchen floor begging for mercy!

Finally, I managed to get myself propped up to the kitchen sink and get my hands clean and my eyes open once again.  I finished the dish with love because, after all, this was for my husband and no amount of pain could deter me from bringing him a lovely meal.

That night, I proudly displayed my hominy casserole.  It really was quite beautiful with its golden color and flecks of green jalapenos peeking out.  And even though I had no intentions of eating it, I served it up with love to my wonderful spouse.

“Oh, it looks wonderful, ” he said as he lifted the first bite to his mouth.

Next thing I know, he’s croaking out something about needing water as his face turns red and he starts hiccuping.  Instead of waiting for me to decipher what in the world he’s talking about, he jumps up and runs to the refrigerator and grabs the milk jug and begins chugging.  When he can finally breathe again, he politely explains to me that the seeds of the jalapeno are the hot part and perhaps I put too many in.

Um…perhaps I put them all in.

Good times.

and yes, that was the last time I made hominy casserole.

Your turn!  Favorite newlywed cooking stories, line up here…

I started noticing it several years ago.  It seemed every child’s cartoon, every television show, every movie featured men who were downright stupid and fathers who were worthless to their families.  The families of the sitcoms and popular movies were driven, not by strong father figures, but by moms who could juggle everything, including the occasional dumb male.

Because we don’t watch a lot of television and have been pretty choosy about the movies we watch and own, I had all but forgotten my disdain for the typical big screen family.  That is, until my children, who had been watching clips of PBS kids cartoons online, mentioned the stupidity of a certain father on one of the shows.  As I sat down to watch this show with the kids to see what they were talking about, I noticed that he wasn’t just ignorant, he was a buffoon.  His only purpose on the show was act like a child and refer his son to his all-knowing mother.

What was this teaching our children?  And worse yet, what was this teaching our young boys about the role of husbands, fathers, and men in general in today’s society?

I know it is comical to watch the antics of Fred Flintstone and the like, but when our entire culture is saturated by this stereotype, is it no wonder that we begin to see the real flesh and blood men of our society, our community, and our own home as stupid and useless?

We cannot, as Christian families, perpetuate this stereotype because it is in direct contradiction to the Holy Scriptures.  God’s order for the household is

God – Husband – Wife – Children

This isn’t about women’s rights or defeating the male chauvinistic pig, it is about an order that brings glory to the Lord and blessing to our lives.  Men aren’t supposed to be wimpy doormats any more than women are.  Men need to get up off the floor and women need to stop wiping their feet on their men.

We must do our best to offer our children a positive God-honoring view of the family.  We need to teach them about fathers who were and are heroes.  We need to be vigilant about what we allow our children to watch and be ever-discerning of the stealthy messages and attitudes brought into our homes through media and other methods.  We also need to keep our own attitudes and actions in check.

Women, start treating your husband like a hero.  Tell your children about this man you married and give them a healthy view of marriage and manhood.

Men, take your rightful place and take responsibility for the steering of this family.  Be strong.  Be courageous.  Be the kind of man you want your sons to be and your daughters to marry.

Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.
1 Corinthians 16:13

Our oldest was almost 3.  His younger sister had just turned 1.  It was January 2002 and my husband, their father, was leaving as a deployed Army Reservist for Operation Enduring Freedom.  What we did not know that night was that he would return nearly a year later, only to be called up for Operation Noble Eagle for another year.

When he was finally a permanent resident of our home once again, our children were 6 and 3.  A lot had happened in those 2 years.

• I miscarried a baby.
• We started homeschooling.
• The refrigerator broke.
• I got rid of the TV.
• I learned to sew.
• My son learned to read.
• My daughter was potty-trained.
• Our son played T-ball for the first time.
• And a whole host of other things!

All of which my husband missed.

Deployments aren’t easy no matter how you slice them.  But for the Christian family it creates a whole new set of issues that other families don’t necessarily think about.

How can Dad stay the head of this household when he isn’t here?

In fact, this issue arises for any family that has a Husband and Daddy who is away a lot, the difference being a deployed head of household doesn’t often have the direct contact via electronic devices and phone lines that traveling fathers have.  {During the first deployment, we could chat via internet web cams about once a week and via phone for 15 minutes every 2 weeks.  And of course, it was all monitored. }

So, how can you as the wife and mother and sole caregiver of the household help to keep your husband in his rightful place while he’s away?  Here are a few ideas:

What would Daddy say?

This isn’t an idle threat, it’s an attitude.  Yes, the chaplain (if he’s a good one) will say at Mobilization that if the refrigerator breaks and mama buys a new one, it’s ok, but mama, you best be thinking about what your husband would want you to do.

And when it comes to the children, think about how he would handle certain situations.  Don’t suddenly become a totally different family the second Daddy is out the door.  Daddy’s words and advice should still permeate the atmosphere.

Stand united!

Even though I could not ask Ty about every situation that arose, I still used the words, “Ty and I…” to show a united front to the children and to outsiders.  Don’t leave your husband out of the equation simply because he is not there.  You are still a married couple and a family unit and everyone should be able to see that clearly.

Save up questions for him.

I would obviously tackle the major issues as they happened and report to Ty later, but anything I could save for my 15 minutes that involved household decisions I wrote down on a piece of paper and brought to him for an actual decision.  This made him feel useful to us and it kept us connected through the little things.

Talk Dad up.

When Blake learned to read, I said, “Daddy is going to be so excited!”  No, Daddy wasn’t going to get to hear him read for quite a while, but I knew Daddy would be excited and I knew the next time we talked, I’d be able to tell him the news.  I wanted my son to know that his accomplishments were important to not just me, but his father as well.

You also have to be careful not to belittle Daddy while he’s away.  Even if you are struggling in your marriage, your children will in no way benefit from you airing this fact to them.  He is their father.  He is the head of the household.  No matter how you feel.  Show him his due respect in his God-given role and let the children see you offer that respect in word and deed.

If you are a military wife, I would like to recommend an online magazine for Christian military wives called Wives in Bloom.  Carlie, one of the contributing writers, who also blogs at So You Call Yourself a Homeschooler, let me know about this wonderful resource and I wanted to pass it along to all of you.

Ty is no longer in the military, but his job does take him away on frequent business trips, none of which could ever compare to those 2 years he was deployed.  When he first took this job, someone said to me, “You know he’ll be gone a lot of nights and weekends,” to which I replied, “It isn’t 2 years.”  Perspective, my friends…perspective.

So, how do you keep Dad at the head of the family while he’s away?