Category Archives: The Grieving Mother

Ask Amy – Fear and the Healing Process After the Loss of a Child

healing after child lossIt seemed appropriate on the eve of the 5 year anniversary of our daughter’s Home-going that I should answer this particular question.

Two readers submitted questions that, while not entirely similar, were of the same topic…life after the loss of a child.

One reader had lost a child at 7 months (the same age our Emmy was) and wanted to know what we had done to heal from her loss.  The other reader lost a son due to complications of childbirth and was pregnant again and wondering how to deal with the fear she was feeling.

For me, the fear was one of the most ongoing things I needed to heal from.  In fact, it continues to be something I must give to the Lord over and over again.  Just this past week, I sat up late into the night praying through my fears as I held my newborn son.  I know I will never fully conquer this fear this side of Heaven, but I do know God is big enough to handle those fears and walk me through them.

The past 5 years have been wrought with ups and downs in the grieving process.  Here are a few of the things we have done to help us heal and gain victory over our fears.

*Write, write, write.  On my Grieving Mother page, I have a lot of links to articles I have written, many of them typed out through tears.  I grieved through my writing and I encourage every grieving mother to do the same.  It doesn’t have to be a public blog.  It can be a quiet journal tucked away by your bedside.  Mothers need a place to write their deepest thoughts and feelings without judgement.

*Cling to the Lord and each other.  I wrote Psalms for the Grieving Heart because I knew grieving families needed to cling to the Lord during their grief, but they more than likely couldn’t handle lengthy Bible studies and/or devotionals.  Music was very important in our healing as well.  Songs like Blessed Be Your Name and Be Unto Your Name brought us to tears, but helped us praise the Lord in the middle of it all.

We also grew as a family.  We never hesitated to speak of Emily.  Even our children who were not born when she passed away know of her and speak as if they remember her.  And Ty and I clung to each other.  We often found that when one of us was weak, the other was strong.

*Grieve how you need to grieve and say what you need to say, but do it in a safe place.  My husband and a select group of friends are my safe place.  I know I can say anything to them.  I know I can grieve and they will listen and hug me and pray for me.  Unfortunately, those who grieve often hear rather thoughtless words spoken to them that can cut like a knife.  Don’t open up to those kind of people.  Even if they do not mean to hurt you, it is best to only grieve openly with those who understand.

*Don’t do anything hastily, but do keep working through those difficult things.  It took me several weeks to take Emily’s clothes out of the closet and put them in a box.  It took me 2 years to finally go through them all and tidy them up.  There are still places we do not go and things we do not do.  We’re just not ready.

There came a time when we felt ready to go back to the city where Emily died.  It was hard.  We cried.  A lot.  But, we did it.  And sometimes I have been ready to take a step forward before my husband, but I have chosen to wait until he is ready.  We do this together even though we heal differently.  I have to respect his difficult things just as he has to respect the things that are more difficult for me.

*Focus on serving others.  Once the brunt of the storm is passed, it is so very important we begin to serve others with the same comfort and love we were shown.  I have sadly watched women cling to their grief as a security blanket, never letting go and reaching out to others.  It is okay to find joy.  It is okay to live again.  It is okay to heal.

I’m not going to lie to you and say that I never cry and I never miss Emily and I never feel like my heart is going to break in two.  When you’ve lost a child, there’s never an end to your grief.  But, I can attest to the fact that with the Lord’s infinite mercy, you can heal.  Ask Him to fight the fears for you.  Ask Him to steady your feet on this path.  Ask Him to show you what He wants for you.

And thank you, my dear readers. for allowing me to share my precious daughter with you.  It is my hope and prayer that her life and her death and how her daddy and I have walked through it all has glorified the Lord and encouraged others along the way.  She was such a blessing to us and we will never be the same because of her.

Daddy holds Emily for the first time after her first surgery in December 2007.

Daddy holds Emily for the first time after her first surgery in December 2007.

10 Questions Christians Need to Ask Themselves – Our response to the Connecticut shootings

I don’t usually write about current events here on Raising Arrows.  I leave that to other blogs to deal with accordingly, not because I don’t feel like current events should be addressed, but because the focus here at Raising Arrows is more on the little things that make up the big things that affect our world, rather than the events of the world itself.

Even today, I don’t intend to break down the events of Friday in Connecticut, but rather offer a focus in the form of some tough questions and eternal Truths.

The Truth is that human beings were made in the image of God and were created with purpose, but the humanism of our modern age ignores this Truth and creates an environment of devalued life and a purpose that thinks only of self.

Every single person killed on Friday, gunman included, was created in God’s image.  Every single person on this earth, no matter their faith (or lack thereof), their skin color, or their political affiliation were created in the image of God with purpose.  Not all see themselves or others this way, not all work toward fulfilling a purpose rooted and grounded in the Word of God; however, the fact that people do not see purpose in their lives or the lives of others does not null and void the fact that they have been created by Design.

We have to start seeing ourselves, our children, and everyone in this world as created in God’s image.  We have to speak purpose into our children’s lives.  We have to stop seeking self and start seeking God’s perfect will.  We have to raise up a new culture.  Only then will anger and lawlessness be stopped.  Only then will men cease to do what is right in their own eyes. (Judges 21:25)

Many people will try to control what happened in Connecticut with pointed fingers and stiffer laws.  There will be blame laid all over the place, but few will take the time to dig deep into what really happened.

We have created a culture where every man is out for himself and few seek the One True God.  We don’t acknowledge life as God-given and we don’t respect much outside of our own thoughts and opinions.  We take more than we give and we demand more than we defer.  We are so focused on the here and now and the culture of self that we have no need of God and no need of a Savior.  After all, we’ve done nothing wrong…or at least, nothing as wrong as that other guy.

Our church service last night was spent breaking down the truth of what happened on Friday.  We looked long and hard at the value of human life and the role of humanism in our modern society.  I walked away from that service with a heavy heart, one that grieved over my own part in this crisis.

I began to ask myself some tough questions.  Questions I believe every Christian should ask themselves…

1.  Inside and outside my home, whom do I serve?  Am I busy self-preserving or serving others in Christ’s name?  Is my heart inwardly or outwardly focused?

2.  Do my children know they are created in God’s image, not just by my words, but by my actions as well?  Do they know they have a God-given purpose.  Do they know we see each and every one of them as blessings and that we gladly accept these gifts from the Lord?  Do they know that Mommy and Daddy rejoice in being able to raise them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord? (Ephesians 6:4)

3.  Am I spending my time as a mother training my children up in the way they should go (Proverbs 22:6) or am I guiding them toward a humanist worldview?  Do they know that life is not about living for yourself and doing the things that make you happy, but that life is about loving and knowing God so that you can love others?

4.  When I see sin in others, do I become self-righteous or do I grieve over a back turned on God?  Do I love others enough to not want to see them go to hell?  Do I love others enough to take the time to be a beacon of Light and Hope?

5.  Do I spend a lot of time complaining?  Am I upset over my current situation or at the people in my life who bother me.  Am I living a life full of “poor-me’s”  or am I striving toward the joy of a life lived for Christ?

6.  Am I living as salt and light?  Do others see a life steeped in the Word of God?  Do I point others toward Christ?  Or am I too focused on myself to keep focused on Him?

7.  Am I striving to do the Lord’s will faithfully?  Am I content with where He has placed me?  Am I content with His timing?  Am I content with His purpose in my life?  Am I searching for what benefits me or am I seeking and waiting upon Him? (Psalm 27:14)

8.  Do I truly love others?  Do I believe every life matters?  Do I believe every life is God-given?  Not just the ones who do no harm, but also those who do?

9.  Do I know how to condemn the sin, but grieve over the sinner?  Do I know how to love the hard-to-love?

10.  What is the biblical response to sin and evil?  Where does my hope lie? (1 Peter 3:15)  What can I do to proclaim this hope, not just when tragedy strikes, but every single day of my earthly life?

Dear readers, I know what it is like to lose a child.  I know what it is like to try to cram everything you want to say about your child onto a piece of stone.  I know what it is like to always feel as if a piece of you is missing.

And I know my daughter’s life and death had purpose and meaning.

Now is not the time to find blame and point fingers.  It is time to offer hope.  It is time to outwardly live a Gospel-centered life that reaches across this land and beyond.

It’s time the Salt became salty once again.


Grieving Through the Holidays

For many of you, this year will be the first year without someone at the Thanksgiving table or around the Christmas tree.  There will be a blank spot where your loved one used to be.  Amidst all the festivities, there will be pain.

It will be one of many firsts.

Emily’s first taste of turkey.

In 2007, we spent Thanksgiving at home with just our immediate family for the first time ever.  We had a wonderful time cooking up all our favorite treats and letting Emily taste her first ever bite of turkey.

In 2008, Emily was no longer with us, but I could see her everywhere we went that holiday season.  Even today, her stocking still hangs on our mantle, empty.  Her first Christmas ornament still graces our Christmas tree.  Her memory is everywhere in our holiday festivities.  And yes, sometimes there are tears because I miss my little fuzzy-headed baby girl.

This year, it is my Grandpa who will be missing.  I’m sure we will all laugh and remember as people do when they grieve, but there will be a sadness too because our memories never quite feel like enough.

Today, as one who knows what it is like to grieve through the holidays,  I wanted to offer you just a few ideas and resources to ease the pain and create some special traditions that include the memory of your loved one in the holiday festivities.

- Say a prayer.  Start your holiday meal with a prayer, thanking God for the life of your loved one and asking for comfort through this difficult season.  This acknowledges the hole left by the death of your loved one, but also keeps your heart focused on the Lord as you grieve.

- Remember your loved one by remembering some of the things they loved best about the holidays.  Did they have a favorite Christmas hymn?  Sing it!  Did they have a favorite dish?  Make it!

- Create a special ornament for your loved one.

Emily's star

When Emmy passed away, someone made a contribution in her name to AgapeCare Cradle. This ornament was given to us by AgapeCare Cradle to honor our daughter.

Many companies make ornaments to honor loved ones, like the star we received from AgapeCare Cradle, but you can also make your own. It can be anything from an ornament that is a special color or design that reminds you of your loved one to a small frame with their photo and an ornament hook glued on the back.

- Put a holiday wreath on their grave.  Wreaths are our favorite thing to put out at Emmy’s grave.  We change them out with the season.

- Read through my free eDevotional Psalms for the Grieving Heart.  There is so much healing and comfort in the Psalms.

- Start a new tradition.  This is so difficult for grieving families who don’t want to do anything new that does not include their lost loved one, but I have experienced firsthand how good it can be to do something different.  It might be something like doing a new Advent devotional or changing where you go for the holidays.  Try not to see it as a sad thing, but rather as a way of moving forward (not “moving on”).

All of you who are grieving this holiday season, you have my deepest sympathies and my heartfelt prayers.  May you find comfort and peace and hope…blessed hope.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Funeral Program and Flower Collage for the Grieving

One very precious piece of decor in our home is this framed collage from Emily’s funeral.  Earlier this year my step-mother-in-law and I put this together and then took a step back and cried.  I wanted to share with you a little bit about it as this may be something you would like to do for a friend or for your own grieving heart.

The daisies were ones I purposely pulled from Emily’s casket spray so my step-mother-in-law could dry them.  She ended up forgetting about them until she was cleaning out a dresser one day and found the books they were kept in to dry.  She was afraid to even open them just in case they were ruined and she would feel terrible about it, so she brought them to my house for us to open together.  They were beautiful!

I had kept several funeral programs, but really didn’t know what to do with them.  Seeing these daisies gave me the idea that I should put together a collage and add the daisies to the outside of the collage.

I used two funeral programs so I could have all four sides and took them to Hobby Lobby to the frame shop there.  They helped me arrange them and choose a frame and mat.  My step-mother-in-law and I decided we would add the daisies ourselves, so Hobby Lobby left the frame where we could get into it.

Once the frame and programs were finished, we got together and opened up all the daisies so we could chose which ones would look best in the frame.

There were two that were near perfect and then there was the one you see in the top right hand corner that had petals falling off.  I wanted that one specifically.  I wanted it to represent my tears falling.

We used a cold heat glue gun to glue all the delicate daisies onto the mat and then glued the loose petals down the side of the mat.  The finished product took our breath away.

If you have a friend who has lost a loved one and you think you would like to do something like this for him or her, don’t hesitate to ask if you can have a couple of flowers from the casket spray, but be aware that it is very necessary you tell them you are wanting to make something for them from the flowers and also don’t be hurt if they say no.  If they would rather you did not take any flowers from the casket spray, take note of what flowers are in the grouping and purchase them to dry yourself.

I truly believe this is a remembrance any grieving family would be honored to receive.

Helping Friends Through Difficult Circumstances

walkingafriendthroughthefire

My friend Kim at Not Consumed is hosting a series aimed at helping you be a friend to those who are hurting from life’s trials. Today, I am sharing how you can help your friend through the grief of losing a child.

I hope you will visit Kim’s blog and read all the posts in this series because the Lord has called us to comfort and share the burdens of others.

walkingafriendthroughthefire

The Fear of Losing a Child

Emily December 2007If you have spent any amount of time here on Raising Arrows, you’ve noticed the little girl in the sidebar and the section at the top labeled The Grieving Mother.

That is Emily and she is part of my story.

This is the path God put our family on.  I would never have asked for this, but I realize now, His plans are greater and wiser than mine and it is my responsibility to be His hands and feet to others who are grieving.

Over the years, I have had many people tell me that losing a child is their worst nightmare and they just cannot imagine living through such horror.  My answer to them is not to live in a world of fear.

Even though my mind occasionally wanders into the darkness of the fear of losing another, I know I don’t belong there.

That is why I am sharing at The Better Mom today on the topic of not letting yourself fear something that may or may not be your reality, but to live each day as a worship offering to the Lord…no matter what path you are on.  Join me there.