The Defensive Doing Too Much Mommy Syndrome

the most unbecoming photo of me I could find

This has to be one of the most unbecoming photos of me ever, but it sort of looks defensive, doesn't it?

I told you it was coming!

When we as moms are on the receiving end of the judgement passed by others, we can be quick to cry,

“But you don’t understand!”

never stopping to consider that there may be some constructive in that criticism.

God can and does use others to refine us.  Iron sharpening iron is not always pleasant and we must be willing to hear the words of others despite the sting.

If someone suggests you need to be home more or you might not be managing your finances well or you need to discipline your children more, don’t immediately jump on the defensive – or at least try not to blurt out what you are feeling.  Instead, take a deep breath, a few steps back and consider these things…

1.  Give people the benefit of the doubt.

Don’t assume their motives in saying something that stings is to judge you and hurt you.

I once had an older woman suggest I was either not sleeping or neglecting my family in order to blog.  She had no idea that I only need about 6 hours of sleep a night and that I type 85 words per minute.  Computer-related things have always come easily to me and therefore, I can get a lot done in very little time.  But rather than quickly defending myself, I decided to remain quiet with all my reasons and take some time to assess whether I truly was balancing blog and life in a God-honoring way.

I decided I could find even better ways to manage my time so I wasn’t blogging during hours when I could have been spending time with my husband.  I only worked on blogging when he also had work to do and I made sure to sit beside him as we worked.  I also started scheduling my social media promotions to cut out the 30 minutes in the morning I was on the computer before breakfast.

Her words, though not fully informed, had merit and did afford me the opportunity to do an even better job of managing me.  I also know for a fact, she was speaking out of concern for me and not in hopes of hurting me.

2.  It isn’t always necessary to defend yourself.

When my father was struggling through his last year with Alzheimer’s, I had someone reprimand me for “running up and down the road” from my home to my hometown 3 hours away.  This person had not had a parent die and did not know what it was like to be forgotten.  I had determined, with my husband’s blessing, not to be forgotten by my father for as long as I could manage.  Gas prices and wear and tear on the car do not even compare to the time I spent with my dad.

But there was no need for me to defend myself for making the most of what time I had left with my dad.  If this person had taken a few moments to think through the situation, they would have realized what was more important.  Additionally, I had my husband’s blessing.  There was no need to defend something that would not have changed no matter how much someone tried to convince me otherwise.

3.  Listen and discern. 

When someone says something that cuts us to the quick, it is hard to listen.  Sometimes it is even harder to discern if it is truth or lies.  No one wants to be criticized, but sometimes the very things we need to hear come wrapped in pain.

But, there is a flip side as well.  Sometimes the attacks we feel are just that…attacks.  They break us down and make us question ourselves over and over again.

Both of these require us to get on our knees before God and ask for His guidance.

We need discernment from the Lord to know if what we are hearing needs to be taken to heart or if it needs to be flung far from our hearts.

So, my dear mamas, perhaps you are doing too much.  Perhaps you aren’t practicing self-control.  Or perhaps you are right where God has you and in that you can rest.

The Self-Righteous Mommy Syndrome

You look at her and your first thought is,

“How in the world does she have time for that?”

Your second thought is,

“She’s probably sacrificing her marriage or her children or her time with God.”

Whoa!  That was a quick leap from time management to outright negligence!

As I was writing my post on me management (and also my post for Homeschool Blogging on Sour Grapes Blogging), I realized that all too often we project our own feelings and weaknesses onto someone else and sometimes we end up acting downright self-righteous.

I’m not going to lie to you.  I’ve done it.  I’ve looked at another mom and said in carefully-hidden jealousy (*cough*),

“How in the world did she find the time to do that?”

Maybe she took a gourmet cooking class or clipped coupons and paid $2 for groceries last month.  Maybe she wrote a book or had a speaking engagement halfway across the country.  Maybe she created a stunning scrapbook or manages to blog at Starbucks every weekend.  Maybe she took a shower without 6 little voices talking to her the entire time.

Whatever it is she did, the moment we pass judgement is the moment we elevate ourselves to a pedestal.  Just because MY time bandits are X, Y, and Z does NOT mean Susie Homemaker down the street is squandering her time if she is doing X, Y, and Z.

We tend to get a little self-righteous when we see someone else doing the very things we can’t seem to do without sacrificing a massive amount of our time.  It feels unfair and in turn, we become unfair in our assessment of the situation.

But, what if

  • God has that mama in the place He has her for a reason?
  • God has you in the place you are for a reason?
  • Her God-given giftings make it easier for her to do the things she does?
  • Your God-given giftings feel crazy-difficult to her?

God created us each differently and has us each in different places all for HIS glory.  It’s not my job to decide if you are or are not where He placed you.

Ladies, we don’t know the full story, but God does.  If you absolutely see outright neglect or sin, then by all means address it…in love.  But, the first step toward contentment in your own life is stop comparing yourself to others.

God didn’t make me a couponing queen or a scrapbooking diva.  He put me 30 minutes away from a Starbucks and gave me 7 beautiful children, several of which talk to me during my shower.

I blog.  It’s where He has me…for now.

I want to leave you with a beautiful quote from Jamerrill Stewart of Holy Spirit-Led Homeschooling, FreeHomeschoolDeals.com, and the recently announced co-ownership of The Homeschool Village:

{Jesus} answered my heart’s cry with a ministry right from my farm house kitchen. He also has only increased this passion, creative ideas, and opportunity…I feel the Lord’s pleasure when I blog. Despite what some may say about the energy I put into my blogs, I am in God’s will. He confirms it. He multiplies my time. Jesus is mixed up in the middle of this with me.

PS – There is definitely a flip side to this Self-Righteous Mommy Syndrome called the Defensive Doing Too Much Mommy Syndrome.  You’re not off the hook!  Coming soon…

A Little ME Management

At the 2:1 Conference last weekend Heidi St. John said something I had forgotten in the hustle and bustle of running a household and homeschooling.  She said there is no such thing as TIME management because time is going to do what time is going to do. 

The only thing we can do is practice ME management.

This hit home for me because here on Raising Arrows I often talk about Time Management.  I have an entire category on Time Management.  And even though, I am a huge advocate of balancing your life and managing your home, I’m know there have been times when I have blamed “not enough time” for my own laziness or lack of balance in my day.

Heidi suggested making note of your “Time Bandits.”  These are the things that if not kept in check will rob you of your time.  These are not things like changing diapers or cooking, but rather the “unnecessary extras” of life.

I want to take this thought a bit further and suggest your worst Time Bandits are those you actually LIKE to do, but that end up stealing time away from you if you don’t approach them caution and balance.

Now, I’m not one to say if it’s a Time Bandit, you have to stop doing that activity, because I believe God gives us talents and leanings and gifts and within those is where we often find our hobbies and pastimes.  So, I do not believe that if you are easily lost in paint and canvas for hours on end that you must never get out your paints in case you end up squandering an entire day.

So, what do you do when you lack ME Management in those areas of your life that tend to take over?

1.  Pray for God’s hand of balance.  I do this with my writing.  I can easily get lost in writing blog post upon blog post.  I have always been like this.  Words on paper (or screen) are beautiful to me and I enjoy the crafting of them.  But, they are also a weakness and the only way I can keep them in check is to ask the Lord to keep me in check.  He is faithful!  He keeps me balanced through my husband, my children, and sometimes even the entire shutting down of my computer!

2.  Have a plan before you ever get started.  Before you ever set foot in the sewing room or pull out the scrapbooking papers, give yourself boundaries.  Set a timer if you need to.  In many ways, it is freeing to know you are going to work this long on something you enjoy and then move on to something else.  Plus, you avoid the guilt of “overdoing” it.

3.  Give God the glory!  I have found that the more worshipful I am in an activity I enjoy, the more likely I am to keep that activity in balance.  If I am writing for Him, then the chance of ME getting mixed up in the deal is rare.  Praise Him for the things you do well, praise Him for the little things you enjoy, praise Him for the time He allows for you to do those things.  Everything you do in your day is worship.  Worshiping the right Person keeps your priorities in the right place.

So, what “unnecessary extras” do you enjoy?  Are you in a season that lends itself to being able to enjoy those things?  Do you see your hobbies as a chance to worship and give glory to God?  How has the Lord kept you in check lately?

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Caring for Yourself {The Me Time Myth Revisited}


Welcome back to 10 Days of Large Family Homeschooling
Start at the Beginning of the Series

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.
Romans 12:1

Years ago, when I wrote The Me Time Myth, I never expected the backlash I received.  I felt the ones who gave me a good tongue-lashing (even going so far as to suggest my children will hate me one day) truly did not hear my heart in the matter.  I felt terribly misunderstood, but chose to avoid strife and stand quietly by my message.  So, bringing up this topic again is something I do with trepidation and trembling before the Lord.

As I see it, most homeschooling moms of many fall into 3 camps when it comes to the all-encompassing term “Me Time”.  They either live for it, piously deny themselves of it, or feel guilty if they get it.  Very few seem to have a healthy view of this hotly debated issue.

Today, I hope to shed some light on my original intentions with The Me Time Myth as well what I see from Scripture as the way we should approach this topic.

Me Time shouldn’t be the air we breathe.

I once overheard a woman tell her friends she could not live without her daily excursions to the gym where she could be without children and in her own space with her own thoughts.  Suggesting you cannot live without Me Time is absurd and altogether frightening.

As mothers, we are called to love our husband and love our children. (Titus 2:4)  Some suggest you cannot truly love these people if you are not first loving yourself.  They talk of filling yourself first so you can fill others.  But nowhere do I see that precedent in the Bible.  In fact, I see the opposite.  I see Scriptures about giving of yourself and caring for others ahead of your own needs.

Me Time should never be our life line.  It should never be something we live for or try to get more of.  It isn’t commanded by Scripture and should not be taught as such.

Me Time martyrs

However, there are those who staunchly proclaim their superiority because they have NEVER done anything that even remotely resembles Me Time.  They decry anyone who goes to women’s retreats or on vacations sans children.  They rail against everything from bubble baths to curling irons to Starbucks coffee.

It’s not the denying yourself I have a hard time stomaching.  It’s the pride.  (Galatians 6:4)  If you have to tell everyone how noble you are, are you really noble?

The Guilty Moms Club

My heart goes out to these moms. They are trying to do the right thing. They truly love their families, but they are weary and need encouragement and strength to keep going. At the very heart of the matter, they love homeschooling, they love being around their children, but they have off-days, off-weeks, and yes, sometimes even off-years. They long for a better life. They long for a peaceful home surrounded by happy faces and cheerful hearts, but they just cannot seem to make it work.

So, they hide.

They escape into Me Time every chance they get.  But they know it doesn’t satisfy and they feel guilty…oh so guilty.

A healthy view of me

The Christian mother has an opportunity to die to self daily as she learns to love her husband and children.  The Christian homeschooling mother of many often finds this opportunity amplified.  She may even feel as though she is forced to die to self because of all the needs that cry out for her every moment.

The answer to her struggle for more time, more energy, more joy is not to have less children or to stop homeschooling or to immerse herself in Me Time.

The answer is worship.

Romans 12:1 – the verse at the top of this post – sums up why Me Time is a myth.  The sacrifices I make should never be about me.  The time I spend away from my family should never be about me.  The causes I support, the blog posts I write, the friendships I make should never be about me.  They should always be about Him.

I can carve out time away from my children for a coffee with my husband because I am there to rejoice in a marriage that daily shows the goodness of the Lord.  I can spend a weekend at a conference with friends because I’m there to proclaim the glory and honor of Jesus Christ.  I can even take a bubble bath with candles and soft music because I am there to pray.

In the Subscriber Pack is a daily checklist I call Mom’s Sacrifice List.  It is a list of things you can do to take care of yourself so that you are presenting to God a sacrifice that isn’t merely hanging on by a thread, but rather is a LIVING sacrifice.

Moms, I want you to know it is okay to take care of yourself.  It is okay to stay at home and it is okay to go out.  It is okay to exercise and okay to take a break.  The thing you must always keep at the forefront of whatever it is you do is that this is NOT about YOU.

This is worship.

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Not Just Intentions, Follow Through

planner

“Plans are useless, but planning is indispensable.” ~Dwight D. Eisenhower

God has really been working on me lately in the area of diligence…again.  I have fantastic intentions, but rather poor follow through.  However, my lack of follow through these days isn’t due to being lazy, but rather to lack of planning.

I was somewhat surprised by the responses when the question of lesson plans came up in a crowd of homeschool moms recently.  Most of the mothers there balked at the idea of planning and many of the moms readily admitted they just sort of fly by the seat of their pants most of the time.

A few months ago, I probably would have joined in the scoffing of planning, but not today.

All of you know how I feel about the unrealistic expectations homeschool moms put on themselves; however, I do believe planning is a crucial part of bringing a solid heart, mind and soul education to your children.

So, this past weekend, I put together a plan using these planning pages.  I wrote out one for each child including the toddlers since I had been wanting to give them more “face time” with mama and planning it made it more likely I would actually do it.

I realized two things as I wrote out these plans:

1.  I have many ideas swirling in my head, but when it comes to actually pulling them from my brain and implementing them, I fall flat on my face.

2.  I have way more ideas than I have time for, and seeing them on paper forced me to rein them in.

Once the lesson plans were complete, I tucked them into my School Binder and slept like a baby.

Monday morning dawned, we pulled out the lesson plans and got moving.  By Tuesday, we were behind.  Why?

Because plans are useless.

However, remember the second part of that quote?

Planning is indispensable.

I had done the act of planning.  I had created guidelines.  The lesson plans did not own me, so when my sons were presented the opportunity to visit a space museum on Tuesday that would require their school work be put off for the day, I didn’t fuss and fret.  I made a mental note and moved on.

Lesson planning doesn’t need to be a complicated process.  It can be as simple as jotting down a few ideas for the week on a piece of notebook paper or putting sticky notes with assignments in everyone’s books. Whatever method you choose will create more accountability and more focus.  Because simply put…

If you plan nothing, you might want to expect just that…nothing.