Everyone seems to have a point where the number of children you have brings you to a Crisis Point. It is that moment you realize NOTHING will ever be the same. It is that day you wake up and come to the conclusion life cannot go on the way it has been. For many, it is the day you become a bonafide MOMYS (Mothers Of Many Young Siblings–th what seemed like an insurmountable number of children and could go on to have an indefinite amount of children without batting an eye. (Well, maybe an occasional bat here and there, but definitely not an eyes-closed-fumbling-in-the-dark kind of bat of the eye!)
For me, this number was number 4. I was so excited to finally be achieving true MOMYS status (I had been dreaming of the day for 5 years!), that I never really grasped the REASON there is a MOMYS digest and forum in the first place.
Running a household with 4 small children is a whole different ballgame. It is twice the number of children that most Americans have. Most cookbooks are written with the typical family in mind. Most appliances are built with the typical family in mind. Most organizational websites/books/magazine articles are written with the typical family in mind. When you have 4 children you are suddenly FAR from the typical family.
With 3, you can still pretend you are a small family and make most recipes work and not tax your appliances too much and even find the average organizational tips helpful. But once number 4 is here, things that worked for years suddenly no longer work. Recipes are just too small. Appliances can’t handle the workload. Organizational tips become laughable.
For a time after I brought number 4 home, I wondered what I had done. I wondered if I would ever find a groove. I realized NOTHING I had done before was working. I couldn’t possibly wash one day a week and get by with it. I was scared to go out of the house even with my husband along to help, let alone attend a homeschool function ALONE with all 4! I couldn’t even get dinner on the table without a series of minor crises. I was stressed and scared.
To quote my friend Sarah, I “disappeared for a while.” I laid low, waiting for the storm to pass because I had no idea what else to do. Survive, Survive, Survive became my motto. When baby K was about 4 months old, I finally realized I had to Live, Live, Live. I knew the way I was doing things had to change, but every time I assessed the running of the household, I would become overwhelmed.
And then I became pregnant with number 5.
What once was a crisis became a turning point. No longer could I sit in indecision–I had to stand up and get moving. Even if it turned out to be the wrong direction, at least I was heading somewhere. I could always turn around or take a different path if I saw that what I was doing wasn’t working. I had to start asking questions of other mothers who had been there and done that. I had to find what worked for them and try those suggestions out. I had to stop digging my heels in to keep from sliding backward, and actually start putting one foot in front of the other and move forward.
By the time number 5 was born, I had not only moved from life as a LARGE SMALL FAMILY to life as a SMALL LARGE FAMILY, I had moved from SURVIVING to THRIVING.
I doubt I’ll ever feel as if I’ve “arrived.” I don’t know that anyone truly does “arrive.” {My friend with 10 children continues to pick the brain of her friend with 12 children.} I will always find something new to learn. There will always be little tidbits of information to gather from those who have been in the trenches. {Speaking of trenches, check out the 4 moms, 35 kids series!} However, I’ve apparently arrived somewhere since I now get calls and emails from other moms wanting to pick my brain!
So, I say…”Pick away!” There’s not much there, but what is there, I’ll gladly share!
Sara Louise says
Thank you for summing up exactly what I have been feeling with the arrival of my #4. The term “overwhelmed” seemed to be an understatement in my book. Growing up an only child myself, I thought having 2 kids was a big deal. Ha! It is a blessing to be a mommy to all of my children, but a humbling experience as well.
I never thought I could handle more than what I already had until I lost my fourth in utero (at 17 weeks). God seemed to ask me then whether I was going to trust Him to tell me when I was done, or harden my neck to what He wanted for my life. By the grace of God, here we are.
Thank you for The Grieving Mother page. It has helped to heal and strengthen my soul. May God bless you and your family.
Amy says
You are so welcome Sara. I’m sorry for your loss, but never cease to be amazed how God can use such difficult and sad circumstances to bring glory.
And hopefully, the crisis point will turn to a crossover point soon!
Julia says
For me that turning point was 2. The trasition from one to 2 was so hard. Add ppd and money trouble and I was a wreck. #3,4 and 5 have all been a breeze. Now if only I could get a laundry room like the Duggar’s LOL.
.-= Julia´s last blog ..It’s Monday =-.
ali says
“{My friend with 10 children continues to pick the brain of her friend with 12 children.}”
I love that- I have 7, and I’m often chatting it up with my friend who has 8, lol! I know I don’t have it all figured out, and I often find myself learning from someone with 4, 5, or 6 children 🙂
Amy Matthews says
Thanks for this post. I am there! My fourth is 7 months and my oldest just turned 5. I am in the trenches for sure. Some days I thrive in them and then I have a bad day and it takes a whole week to recover! We are beginning homeschooling in the fall and my hubby is quite concerned that I can’t “do it all” he is toying with hiring a haousekeeper! Not that we have alot of money, but he says better a housekeeper than paying for a private education. How did you keep your house not out of control and homeschool and care for the other littles? Did you have help? Oh how I could question forever! Did you have a blog then? How in the world did you find time for that? I gain alot from reading others blogs but have found myself being oh so selective and only reading what will benefit my family and mostly only readig when I am nursing. I would say that my own blogging is my ME TIME. Yes, I read your Me Time article, its eye opening to say the least! Thanks for that. I am enjoying the 4 Moms 35 Kids series, thanks for that too. Also where are these MOMYS forums? I got to find one of those!
.-= Amy Matthews´s last blog ..So Sweet Accessories Review and Giveaway =-.
Amy says
Amy,
First off, the link to MOMYS are in this post. There is a .net (the digest that comes to your email) and the .com (the forums).
And yes, I did have a blog. I blogged at Homeschoolblogger back then, but not very often. Blogging is cheap therapy! 😉
As for housekeeping and homeschooling and such…it fell under the “ask others and try new things til you find something that works” category I mentioned in this post. FLYlady was what I used to use and it did not work anymore. So, I moved to Large Family Logistics and tweaked it. Here’s a link to a post where I talk about our homekeeping schedule and such:
https://raisingarrows.net/2010/03/to-do-list-beyond-basics.html
That’s what I had to go to when K was born. It’s worked every since. May not always, but for now it does.
Slow and steady wins the race…just keep going and trying new things until you find your groove. God is very gracious when it comes to raising all these littles. 🙂
Amy Matthews says
I still can’t find the link in the post. Maybe I am super slow? I am looking forward to reading all your homeschool stuff as soon as I carve out the time 🙂 Thanks again.
.-= Amy Matthews´s last blog ..So Sweet Accessories Review and Giveaway =-.
Amy says
http://largefamilylogistics.lifewithchrist.org/index.html
That’s the exact site I used to help me w/ cleaning. The post I wrote is more of a general idea of how I made it work for me. To see how Large Family Logistics does it, scroll down on her sidebar and on the left she has a whole list of each thing she does.
Let me know if that makes sense. 🙂
karyn says
Thank you so much for this post! I’m reading it with my number four in my arms (she’s two weeks old) and I’ve been thinking everything you wrote. My husband and I have decided not to use birth control but at this point I’m a bit terrified of having more because I feel so overwhelmed right now. It helps to know others have traveled this path…
Grace Wheeler says
Amy~It’s like you always read my mind…or maybe just that you read MOMYS? lol! I just posted about this on MOMYS, so you’re post this morning came in perfect timing for me! This REALLY blessed me this morning!!!
.-= Grace Wheeler´s last blog ..Why Am I Looking At This? =-.
Amy says
I’m hardly on MOMYS these days, so I must have read your mind! lol Just kidding! 🙂
Jenn says
Thanks for this post! It is always good to hear from those who are walking this road a little before us! Even when it’s not specific tips it’s still very encouraging just to know that one can survive & thrive during these crazy days!
I was just mentioning to my husband the other day how it’s interesting that we have already instituted a “large family mindset” even though we only have 3 right now. Our desire is for a large family though so we already train our children a bit differently and manage our home with our large family days in mind. I think my “crisis point” was with #3(but maybe that was because my oldest was not yet 2.5yrs) but I won’t really know that until we see how adding #4,5 etc. goes. Hopefully some of the large family things we have already set in place will make those additions much easier! 🙂
Thanks again!
Tonya says
I don’t think I hit the crisis until my 5th. We moved while I was in the 3rd trimester, got in our house at 36 weeks along. I’m still in survival mode. She’s 18 months old! How do I get from surviving to thriving? Argh! Oh, and only once I was having her did I recognize that we are a large family. 5 kids and the 12 passenger van have done me in. 🙂
Sandpiper says
The turning point for me was going from 2 children to 3 children. I had a 3yr old, a 2yr old and a newborn. I was constantly exhausted. Now I’m expecting Baby #7 and I can’t wait!
Yesterday a lady at church said “You’re going to be a busy mommy!” I smiled politely, but the truth is, I’m already busy-that’s what life is! You have to grab it and go!
Blessings!
.-= Sandpiper´s last blog ..Bits & Pieces =-.
Desi says
My Crisis Point came one night while I was sitting on my bed nursing one newborn while my husband rocked another and our three toddlers were tucked away in bed as those two blue lines I was eying on the bedside table slowly got darker and darker!
Going from 3 to 5 was a blur, with all the moving (four times!!) we did during my pregnancy and then the TTTS and then my brother and his family PLUS my mom having to move in with us. But once it settled down… I was pregnant again and was going from 3 to 6 in the space of a little over a year! I still don’t think that I’ve fully acclimated to a family of 8, although I thoroughly enjoy each and every time a friend with 1, 2, 3, or 4 calls me asking “WHAT DO I DO?!?” (Like I would know! LOL, I haven’t even gotten mine figured out!)
Oh, Amy! I am SO glad I’m not the only one who’s reached that point of no return, and realized when I got there! I’ve thought many timest that I was the only crazy one!
.-= Desi´s last blog ..Show Us Your Life: Cleaning Tips!! =-.
Amy says
I imagine that WAS a little shocking! 🙂
Heather says
Thank you for this lovely post! I really needed to hear this at this point of my motherhood. With 4 little girls ages 7, 5, 3 and 20 months, I am just starting to feel like I am getting into the groove of a “bigger” family. If we are blessed with another child, I do not think I will have so much doubt or fear since I think we have crossed over!
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Spring Cleaning and Dreaming of My Summer Garden =-.
Brenda says
My cross-over point was #5. And, we haven’t had any more children since. My husband took one look at me one day and said, “We’re done.” I think he feared losing me to insanity. I’m glad he put a hault on our baby making (not to be confused with the way babies are made) to allow me time to catch up. I still haven’t caught up, and have never returned to the way I was with four. But, I love all five of my children and don’t care to ever go back. We’ll see if I’m meant to be a mother of six some day. The Lord will have to override hubby’s decision. And, we know he can if he wants too!
MamaK says
I’ve got my 2 littles and holding out for more. though we had committed to having however many God wants we felt the grace for a break due to the hernia. anyway, we’re planning on homeschooling our kids. any advice on getting started? our girl’s only 2 1/2, but i really feel the need to get the mindset of teaching her throughout the day and maybe collecting curriculum. A girlfriend recommended Rod & Staff books. i know there really isn’t a lot of need for new, expensive curriculum. advice??
Amy says
I have a post on how we homeschool preschool and kindergarten here: https://raisingarrows.net/2009/10/how-we-homeschool-preschool-kindergarten.html
We use the Rod & Staff ABC series and LOVE it! It gives them something to do without being too intensive. And yes…spend your days in a lifestyle of learning. Point things out, keep a running dialogue, read, read, read!
Hope that helps!
Ashley says
Amy, at the risk of sounding a bit silly – I think I recently reached this point. But I only have three, with one on the way. Does it count if they are all very small? LOL
Just recently I was telling my husband, I go to cook a familiar recipe, in the usual bowl, and then I have to scrape it all out into a bigger bowl, because it’s so hard for me to wrap my mind around the bigger portion sizes. Nothing I used to do is working anymore! I have to do laundry every day! If I want to eat an orange, I can’t just share mine anymore. I have to peel another AND share mine …
… it’s a bit unsettling. I mean, I like it, my family is growing and that is so thrilling. But mentally I’m a bit staggered by the challenge of the logistics of it, everywhere, all at once. It is an adjustment…
Maybe I still have another cross-over point coming, but it’s nice right now to think that’s what I’m going through! ~smile~ Great post!
Amy says
Ashley,
Honestly, that sounds like a crossover point to me! It comes at different times for everyone and I think that has a lot to do with the ages of the children and the particulars of your circumstances. What you are saying sounds SOOOOO familiar! 🙂
Laura says
Amy, This post was exactly what I needed. My 5th baby is almost a year old and I have been trying to find me since? Where did I go? I reached the “Crossover Point”! You will never know how much good it did me to read that someone else has felt the way I have. It has allowed me to let go and start over with the new me–the one who can’t be detailed about everything.
Melaney says
I well remember going through that crisis/paradigm shift! I didn’t know how to describe it at the time, but you hit the nail on the head!
I had four as well when I vanished from the face of the earth, and also became pg with baby 5! Nothing was working for me either, and I thought I had made a terrible mistake and was a rotten housekeeper..etcetc.:)
When the panic stopped, and I stopped trying so hard, and let God change things HIS way…it became much easier to handle. I still tweak constantly..but at least I know tweaking is a normal everyday part of life now, and don’t think it means what I am doing is broken because it isn’t written in concrete! thank you for the insights- well written and encouraging!:D
Christy says
My #5 is 6mos now and I am feeling the same way. I’ve been trying to get my feet on the ground and figure a new way to get things running smoothly. I think I experienced PPD with this baby. Honestly, the past few years have been “off”. My husband is a reservist and was gone for part of my pregnancy, birth, and the first 6mos of #4 and deployed overseas for pregnancy/birth of #5. He came home 4 days after #5 was born. I also “disappeared” for a while and I’m just now starting to get back into the world. My blog is part of my effort. I’m sure my husband doesn’t fully understand but he’s been mostly patient with me during this time anyway. I’ve also felt the need to reach out to other moms of many for help. That’s why I’m reading your blog.:)
Amy says
My husband was deployed for 2 years nearly back to back, during which time I had a 2nd trimester miscarriage. Being part of the reservist community, rather than the active duty community, was hard at times b/c we lack the full support we would get on post/base. Writing has been huge for me in healing from so many things…keep it up and keep connecting with others. The Lord gives us those relationships to encourage! God bless you! 🙂
Desiree says
Thanks so much for this post. I hit a crisis point at #4 also – it seemed like nothing I was used to doing worked anymore. It has been so, SO encouraging to read about the same things happening to others – it has taken me till #6 to really start to hit my stride again. (Slow learner, I guess.) Thanks for sharing this!
Emily M. says
I know this is an old post, but thank you, thank you, thank you for writing it! Our transition to four was smooth as can be. But now… I have 5 kids ages 7, 5, 3, 22 months, and almost 3 months. The baby has been difficult. She’s as precious as can be, but she is very fussy and high demand. I am in the middle of the crisis mode where I am in total survival mode. I’ve had difficult babies before, but not when I’ve had so many others and while I’m trying to homeschool. I already knew that one day life will get easier again (not easy 😉 but this was such a great reminder that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that I must keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Your blog has been a wonderful encouragement to me. Thank you for that!
Amy says
You are so very welcome!
Michele says
Thanks so much for this post! I know it’s an older one, and I’ve been following your blog for a while now, but somehow just came across it!
In God’s perfect timing, of course!
Our 4th child will be 3 months next week, & I cannot tell you how many times I have thought to myself over these last few crazy weeks, “Wow, life (& I) will never ever be the same.” Turing point!
So….just wanted to say, thanks for the smiles & tears!!!
Amy says
The wonderful thing is, you will find yourself on the other side of that crossover point and wonder how you ever did it any other way! 🙂 Many blessings to you!
Jessica B says
Pick your brain I just might do. I’m in shock. I really have been feeling like I’m in limbo since my 4th was born. I dread going out with all the kids, the house is falling apart, and I’m expecting again. I do have to say though, when I found out I was expecting something started up inside me again and I feel more of that do or die mentality starting. So glad I was able to stop by tonight. So many of your wise words are really hitting home with me tonight.
Dondi says
I think I may be somewhat stubborn! I may have been trying to delay my crossover:) We are the adoring parents of 3 boys (17,8,4) and twin girls 2 1/2! Reading this was like an ah ha moment… My husband and I have these discussions about living down low… Church is our outing!!! There are not any large families in our circles, so I cant wait to read some of your tips on enhancing some systems!! Time management becomes critical to make sure love languages are quenched!! Thank you for forging ahead and taking the time to be an encouragement to others. It seems as if our friends with smaller families never quite understand. Dondi
Amy says
What a blessed family! How fun!
Jen Holm says
How do I say this? I am 29 with 2 daughters 20 months apart. I thought we would go ahead and do a bit of a longer space between the second and third baby, but she is one next week and I have baby fever. God has put it on mine and my husband’s heart to have more and close together. I see long term benefits to having children close in age, but the short term seems like A LOT of hard work and a huge loss of sleep! So I have been wrestling with God on this. Wanting him to be Lord over all areas of my life, but fearing that I will never ever have a good night’s sleep, never mot be spanking and dealing with a disobedient toddler, wearing a baby on my body, potty training, cleaning non stop, etc….well you get it : ) phew! I LOVE being a mommy and homemaker, but it is WORK! Just today I poured out to God to strengthen and encourage me and to bring sources of encouragement to me to do this. I just can’t bring myself to say “no” and wait longer to add to our family and yet I have been wrestling with some doubts of myself and fears of “handling it all”. I will need to check out the MOMYS forum. And maybe hear some encouragement from your way too?
Amy says
It IS hard work. I just wrote a post about this being hard work. Keep digging here. And the community is wonderful here as well – they love to help out and give ideas and tips. 🙂
Jen Holm says
Where on your site can I find that post? I’d be glad to sign up to get the e-mails too so I can see your new posts. It’s been fun going through your blog and the 4 moms, 35 kids series. I only have two children, but I have this new obsession of studying motherhood from Christian women of large families! I’m so glad this doesn’t scare my husband! Lol!
Amy says
Here is the post: https://raisingarrows.net/2015/05/this-is-supposed-to-be-hard-work/ 🙂
Tina Tracy says
We call a family of less than 4 a hobby family!
Four was also my struggle number! Now we have 8 bio babies and have adopted one, and hope to adopt again! I am loving reading your post, we certainly have alot more than a large family in common!
Jen Holm says
I just had my 3rd baby (within 3 1/2 years) and came back to revisit this post because this is quite the juggle right now. Plus I am still readjusting to the new way of life.
He is 5 weeks old and in some ways that first month went by fast and in other ways it didn’t because of how demanding the newborn weeks are. When we had our second we were so sure of having a third and possibly a fourth.
Now that we have our third child I sometimes struggle with the idea of doing all this newborn stuff again! My husband wants a fourth….but he gets better sleep than I do so that’s easy for him to say!
I also know that we don’t have to be decided now, and having a newborn and sleep deprived is not the best time to land on big decisions like this.
Any words for a tired mama for continuing on with growing a family and doing the newborn thing over again? In my heart I want to say yes to having a fourth and allow God to give me the grace to do so, but also just physically and mentally feeling like I just can’t (or don’t) want to. A part of it is feeling the guilt of giving a newborn baby so much care and attention and having my “older” ones sacrifice that extra time with me. It is hard for me to watch them adjust and see mommy be with baby so much.
Cat says
Oh my goodness! I could have written the same. My #4 just hit 10 months and it felt like it took FOREVER to feel like I was getting anything close to life back together till he was about six months. Now at 10months with the possibility of getting pregnant again sooner rather than later I feel like I need to kick it up a gear so to speak and get into a better zone in terms of house and homeschooling. (It’s our first “official” year reporting to a very strict district which doesn’t help the mommy stress.)
Celina says
I know this is a super old post but it is applicable to me so I wanted to share anyway. I have six at home and this is my crossover point where I’m really having to learn how to do things differently. My oldest is 9 and my youngest 7mo and one is sleeping. Thanks for sharing. I understand better what is going on now!