I asked Ty one day if I would ever stop missing her.
And as I sit here still waiting to miscarry, other thoughts plague me. When I wrote Enjoying YOUR Quiverfull, it was something I needed to hear. I still need to hear it. I still find myself wanting more children in an unhealthy way. A way that seeks to “replace” the one I lost.
Because I never will stop missing her.
And I will NEVER have the right amount of children. (<— and that post still makes me cry)
And truthfully, I don’t feel like a large family. I am facing my second miscarriage in a row and I wonder if the Lord will ever bless again and I know I can never bring the one back that would bring my number of living children to 7 (which somehow sounds so much “larger” than 6) and I wonder am *I* enjoying MY Quiverfull? And do I have any validity when it comes to talking about being a large family. There are multitudes out there with many, many more children than I have who could give you much better advice on running a large family household. Who am I? But, there I go again…playing the numbers game.
It’s been a rough few months leading up to the 4th anniversary of Emily’s passing. Some days I am an emotional train wreck. (I can say that and know that you will all still love me.) But, the moments of wreckage come and go and for the most part, I am fully sane and mostly functioning (although the pregnancy hormones have done a number on my sacroiliac joint and my blood sugar).
And I refuse to live a life of wreckage.
Emily’s life and death are not the end. Everything that happens to me while on this earth is not the end. It makes no sense as a Christian to spend my life looking back and considering all that is behind me as wreckage. All that is behind me has created the path that is before me. And it is a good path…God says so.
I just have to keep walking.