I imagine some of you are confused by the title of this post. Allow me to bear my soul for a moment…
Giving birth to our first baby girl since Emily’s death in 2008, brought to the surface a lot of emotions. Feelings and fears I never expected rose to the surface and clouded my sense of reality and rationale. One of these was a fear of shopping. To be more exact, a fear of shopping for things Aspen would need in the future.
Until recently, I would only purchase clothing and other items Aspen needed right now. No 6-9 month clothing. No spring jacket. No shoes. Nothing that would be for the future because I was afraid there would be no future.
Grief and trauma do strange things to a person’s mind. Sometimes we don’t even know we are reacting to it until something happens that brings it to our attention. I had thought I would probably go crazy buying all sorts of girly things if I ever had another girl. Instead, I did the opposite.
As I’ve worked through the emotions of Emily’s death and Aspen’s birth, I’ve begun to allow myself to look forward. And I’ve allowed myself to shop.
Last week, I used some credit I had through ThredUP and made some purchases for Miss Aspen. I’d like to share a few of those things with you here as a way of rejoicing! (The links to ThredUP are affiliate links that give me credit through their site if you choose to order anything.)
Ralph Lauren soft sandals – $8.99
Rare Editions Special Occasion Dress – $10.99
Old Navy Dress (new with tags!) – $8.49
I am hoping to be able to share more of my journey through this new layer of grief, not because I am looking for your sympathy, but because I hope to provide comfort and insight. Comfort for those who grieve and are dealing with a changed reality, and insight for those who are near someone who grieves but does not always understand this changed reality.
I would like to ask your prayers as I share. Many times writing through these things creates some anxiety. I can think I have processed through certain things, only to realize there’s still more to it. I pray daily that the Lord will give me peace of mind and heart, and protection from the fiery darts of Satan. I don’t want to miss a single moment of Aspen’s life looking back with fear.
Rébecca says
Thank you for sharing. Learning about what lies ahead in the grief process, and that even years after the trauma there are still things to deal with, is scary but helpful. Right now I feel the most anxious about having future children… on one hand there is nothing I want more than having another baby, on the other hand it feels like the scarriest thing in the world. I have always loved babies and especially the more I have the more I wanted the baby stage to last as long as possible (please don’t grow up to fast !) but now ? Now I wonder how I will ever enjoy that stage, I feel like I will want those days to go by really fast so we get over the “dangerous and scary times” (although rationnally I know one can loose a child at any age…)… I feel so torn…
Amy says
I do find myself just wanting her to be a little older. I stop myself from wishing these days away though. It is a struggle, and there are many layers. Typically, you have to deal with something new when you go through a “first”. Most of your firsts will come sooner rather than later, but I did not have to deal with these emotions until now because I had not had another girl, so this was my “first girl since Emily’s death.” And I totally understand knowing something rationally and trying to make that what you dwell on rather than the irrational thoughts. ((HUGS)), Rebecca.
Charlotte Moore says
She is such a pretty baby. Precious indeed. Even though I haven’t experienced this type of grief I can see how it would be horrible to go through. I am sure the ones that have would greatly benefit from reading your blog about it.
GOD BLESS!!!
Christine says
You are such an inspiration and your godly perspective on grieving might one day save another mom. Thank you for being open and willing to let others in.
Jess says
I completely understand your feelings. We have a 7 month old and I did not even buy her car seat until 2 weeks before she was born. We have lost 5 babies at various stages of pregnancy and I was so fearful that if I bought things for her, I would loose her. Grief does strange things to our minds! So very happy for you and your family as you cherish this sweet girl!
Blessings!
Cecilia says
I am praying, Amy. Love to you.
Adina Campbell says
Thank you for your honesty. I will definitely be praying for you.
Courtney Lemon says
Thanks for this post. I’m in a different spot, but connect so much to what you’re saying. I just delivered a 35 week baby with some significant health challenges. It is hard to look forward to the hopes of the future, but I do trust in the goodness of The Lord and know that living in the fear or what ifs isn’t the answer. I’m encouraged to rejoice in our daily steps forward.
Amy says
((HUGS)) I want to learn to cherish every day without constantly dwelling on what might be. I will be praying the same for you, Courtney.
Courtney Lemon says
Just wanted you to know our baby girl had some big victories today that I found out about not long after commenting. Thank you for the prayers! Praying for you too. Your blog has blessed me greatly before, during, and now after this pregnancy. It’s the one I’m still reading during this unique season we’re in. Thank you for letting The Lord use you.
Amy says
Wonderful!!!
Jenni says
Thank you so much for sharing this struggle – it is so insightful, and I imagine that more people struggle with some version of it than you think. I have not gone through what you have with losing a child, and yet with my 4th, my first baby girl, I struggled at first with letting myself be excited about all the girl clothes, etc. because people would say, “Well, you would have been happy if it were a boy too, so . . . ” and then I would feel bad about being excited about all the girl stuff, because of course I would have been okay with a boy too. Slowly I have let myself enjoy the fact that my daughter is a girl and not feel guilty about it.
Cindy says
God bless you, Amy! I don’t know you & you don’t know me, but you & your family are so close to my heart. I’m praying for you! 🙂
Kirsten Pankratz says
I will be praying for you, Amy. God bless you and your beautiful baby girl.
Jeannie says
She is beautiful, I know where you are at.Give yourself some time!! I am praying you find peace!!!
Stephanie Tucker says
In 2008 I delivered our first baby girl, and she was stillborn. Things happened so quickly I did not buy her any clothes or dresses. We are blessed with two boys, and God blessed us again with a baby girl 1 1/2 years ago. I am finding it really hard to give away or sell any of her dresses. I know it stems from the grief of loosing my first baby girl, but was also taken by surprise when I found myself way more sentimental and protective about my second daughters dresses then all my children’s baby clothes. They are stacking up and I can’t imagine ever parting with them. You are right, grief does funny things.
Thank you for sharing your journey, and prayers are with you along the way.
Amy says
((HUGS)) Stephanie.
Katrina Brooks says
I think its amazing you are sharing this!! I thought I was the in my only who went through this. When I gave birth to one of twins and the other passed away I felt the same way I wonder if she was going to die to. I wouldn’t even go in thier room or use the clothes we brought cause I thougt she was going to die at any moment. It truly hard process to go through. Thank you for sharing such raw emotions. Prayers to you and hope the anxiety will fade and joy will replace it 🙂
Amy says
Wow…thank you for sharing, Katrina. I wasn’t sure anyone else had felt like this, so it actually helps me to know I’m not alone. ((HUGS))
Meg @ Cracking an Egg says
Amy,
Our first daughter was born just months after you lost Emily. I rode the waves of hormonal emotions thru your grieving posts, and it brought me to tears daily. I appreciated my daughter all the more, each day, by watching you live thru your loss. Thank you for letting the Lord use your story to minister to so many others, even those who have never experienced similar loss.
We are now on daughter #3 ???? and I still return to your posts when I feel I need a stark reminder of how precious these little lives are. May you continue to be blessed by your new little one. ????
Amy says
Thank you, Meg.
Leah says
Thank you for your transparency during this difficult and wonderful time. I completely agree that grief is very unexplainable and unique. My husband’s birthday last week marked the third year since conceiving my first child which we lost weeks later. Last year I had no grief or pain as I was celebrating my new infant, but this year I was strongly affected and did not handle it well. The emotions and thoughts that swirled through my mind were so overwhelming and unexpected. So, thank you once again for your transparency and my thoughts and prayers go out for you. Congratulations on the progress with your shopping. The dresses are adorable.
Amy says
((HUGS)) Leah.
Kathy says
Wow, thank you for pointing out what I’ve spent the last year going through without realizing it. I just assumed that I was losing my mind! Our first daughter since losing our baby girl Sariah turned one in January. I have suffered from MAJOR anxiety over the last year and reading your post helped me recognize what the source was. God bless you in your journey! Thank you for helping me understand myself through sharing your experience.
Amy says
Oh, Kathy ((HUGS)) to you tonight – praying for healing too!
Kelly says
hugs….& prayers first of all..& I hope u are doing better.
I’m glad U are reconize that U need to continue to grieve… It never goes away….& I’ve only lost a sister…not someone who I welcomed into this world. I appuald U continuing to move forward.
karri says
Thank you for this post. I am currently pregnant with my 2nd daughter. This past summer I lost my 4th child (2 living sons) to stillbirth. We just received news this too is a daughter. We are having the hardest time not living in fear. Thank you for the reminder to enjoy and cherish each day we have with her. Many blessings to you and your family!!
Amy says
((HUGS)) Praying for you tonight!
jayme @ No Regrets Living says
That dress! Oh my! So beautiful.
I’m 35 weeks pregnant with our 3rd boy and I keep saying that if I ever have a girl….well…little girl clothes are just so cute! And I’m not even a girly girl myself. Maybe that’s why I’m the mom of soon-to-be-3 boys and my sister has handed me down about 80% of our clothing! Cause…man…baby girl clothes!
Danica says
I understand. My son was stillborn right before Christmas 2013. I immediately got pregnant with a little girl and was terrified the whole time. I didn’t buy othes til I was about to pop. I still have fear and have to lean on God through every day. I pray right now that God brings you comfort and peace. I pray health and joy for your sweet little girl.
Samantha Hatcher says
My sweet friend, I know we have only met one time, but I feel in some ways like I know you by reading your blog. My heart aches for the pain that you feel. While I have never lost a child, I have a fear of dying young like my aunt and cousin did leaving very young children behind. With my aunt, her husband died not even a year later. Leaving my cousins as orphans at 6 and 8. My aunt was 42 when she was diagnosed with a brain tumor and she died before she turned 43. I will be 40 this year, and I am scared. I’m more scared of not making it past 42 like her. My youngest is just a month younger than Aspen. And my next youngest is just a little younger than Creed. If something happens to me, will they remember me? Will they know I loved them? I know my fear is irrational, but it is there. I told my husband I want a big birthday party when I turn 43 instead of 40.
I don’t mean to compare my pain to yours, because that is ridiculous. I’m just telling you this to know you are not alone, because the feeling of being alone is Satan’s greatest weapon next to fear. He is after you, because he knows if he can make you feel alone and filled with fear, then he will have greater access to your precious children. He wants to destroy you, and by you talking about it and sharing your story he loses. He not only loses you and your family, but every family of the people who read your story. He loses those who pray for and with you. Through the strength you have found to face your fear, cry for your loss and keep going, you are being a light to the world. Your words are salt, my friend.
Today I will pray for peace and comfort for your tender heart, BUT I will also praise and thank God for the gift you have given us by sharing your heart and for giving me the gift of “knowing” you. (((HUGS)))
Amy says
Samantha, thank you! I was just talking to a friend today about these feelings, and she said something that helped me tremendously that I think might help you too. She said when you know bad things happen, someone telling you “the odds are you won’t die” doesn’t help because you know odds don’t really matter, so what she prays is for the Lord to help her handle whatever may come (pray for your children) and then pray for the Lord to help you not dwell on what could be and help you to live in the moment. It really is a day by day, moment by moment thing. I don’t know why women seem to be given to these kinds of attacks from Satan (our position as main caregiver?), but it helps me know I’m not alone. And I’m blessed to “know” you as well!
Esther says
Thank you for sharing this. I just had my second miscarriage in February. We have 7 beautiful, wonderful, children. I have felt guilty when I mourn because we are so very blessed. My youngest son turned 1 last week and I wept. If God allows us to have another it will be the largest gap between my children. I am fearful looking to the future but I know that He is good and has a purpose in all of this. Thank you for your encouragement to move forward and not remain stuck in fear!
Jess says
I can see how that your birth of Aspen would definitely bring up the grief again 🙁 I hope you are all doing ok, Aspen is a beautiful little girl <3
Angie says
Prayers and Hugs
Dana McGowen says
Praying for you dear sister. My heart hurts so much for you and your families loss.
Kay says
I get this. So much. I’ve been there. I did the “scared to shop” thing too. You made me cry. I said a prayer for you. Hugs. You’re a great writer. Thanks for sharing your heart! Aspen is absolutely adorable. Keep hugging her tight!!!
Strong in The Lord says
Thank you so much for sharing these things. I truly believe that grief is a life long process that will only end when we see Jesus face to face are reunited with all of our loved ones, in that perfect joyous world that is to come. I have not lost a child, but I lost my mom at 47, I was 22. 10 years later and it is still so hard to live without her, but I am finally able to let God start healing my shattered heart. It’s a complicated process for sure.
Your baby daughter is beautiful.
Edi says
Hugs, big hugs. And I’m praying that He makes you able to live each moment in His perfect peace.
Amber says
Sweet Amy,
Praying for you and your beautiful daughter. May our Lord comfort and heal your grieving heart. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I completely understand the fear of shopping. After having lost our last baby, I have only just allowed myself to buy anything for the baby we’re expecting in May.
Amy says
((HUGS)) Amber – Congratulations.
Amy Sparks says
I’m so glad you have been able to move forward. Grief is strange. I always want to wait to tell our kiddos I’m pregnant till after 15 weeks, because that’s our latest miscarriage. Unless you’ve a child, you don’t understand how a person’s mind can get stuck on something simple. Praying for you as you work through all this.
Amy Sparks says
*lost
Amy says
Isn’t it strange how as we pass those “milestones”, we begin to relax?
Louise Masson says
I will pray. I only read a couple of websites now regarding homeschool etc. Your website is one of the truly genuine and entirely unselfish ones. I appreciate all of the work you do and for sharing parts of your life with us as an encouragement. I begin to fathom the grief that you feel but I rejoice that we come in prayer to a loving Father who truly understands and has every available resource in abundance to bring you comfort and peace. May you know His loving arms surrounding you and Aspen and His kisses wiping away your tears. I pray also for more of his joy and peace for you in the next few months. He has you and your tiny little baby in his hands.
With much Scottish love, Louise x
Amy says
Thank you so much, Louise! I have really felt the prayers this weekend.
Tiff says
Wow this was so healing for me to read. I did not buy anything for my baby except the bare basics until I got her home from the hospital. After 5 angels in heaven, one held in my arms, I never thought I’d get to hold my daughter. She will be 1 next month! I had that same fear in a different way… fear that I would never hold her alive. Deep grief is not something we are supposed to have. God did not design us to endure sickness and death. Those were consequences of the fall. I think the enemy delighted greatly in my fear — I did not enjoy my pregnancy at all because I was so afraid. God has helped me get past this… I think more than anything realizing that fear is a lie from the enemy helped me. I call out to Jesus when I need Him to rescue me from that fear. Deep grief caused it but Jesus is triumphant over death. We will both hold all of our children in heaven. Its a better place for them than here… in the mean time thank you for sharing this. You really gave me great relief — I thought I was crazy having such a fear reaction and did not fully understand why it was so hard until spending the past days really reflecting on your post. I send your posts regularly to my homeschool group of 70 or more ladies. You have many fans up here around Boston Amy. Thank you again for sharing your insight. The things you chose for Aspen are lovely. I am so enjoying my Natalie at the ripe old age of 43! God knew just what He was doing in giving her to me at the last years of my childbearing time. Much love! Tiff Rule from Berlin, MA who you have helped so much 🙂
Amy says
Oh what a blessing your new little one is Tiff! Thank you for sharing your story! These feelings have really kept me on my knees day in and day out.
Chris Waughtal says
I so appreciate your openness Amy. It is a breath of fresh air in a blogging world where everyone is trying to show you how wonderful their life is!! Transparency is very godly, and will help you work through the layers of grief.
Blessings on your journey to total enjoyment of that precious little one:)
Amy says
Thank you, Chris!
Lisa W. says
Amy, I’m thankful that you share your process through the grief journey just a few years ahead of me. I knew during pregnancy that Annalise was a girl. I did not buy anything until the last few weeks before her birth, and even then, I would only shop at thrift stores because I could not bear the thought of returning more baby girl clothes to the store. I even refused to knit for her, with the exception of her coming home vest, because it hurt so much to look at Miranda’s hand-knit layette items that she never had the chance to wear. Grief has been such a ‘two steps forward, one step back’ process, but I’m so thankful that if I have to walk it, I can do it shoulder to shoulder with godly women like you.
Amy says
((HUGS)) Lisa – I am so thankful to know you. You walked this side of the story ahead of me. I feel like I can look to you and see the healing that comes from having another girl. It truly is a two steps, one step process…we just keep walking…
Shannon says
This is so good for me to read. I lost my 4th daughter nearly 2 years ago and now try to celebrate my 5th daughter without the fear stealing my joy. To grieve and rejoice at the same time is a feeling most do not know. Thank you for sharing. Your blog has helped redirect my life after losing our tin Josephine and your public grief made me not so lost.
Amy says
((HUGS)) Shannon.
claire says
Thank you so much for posting this, Amy. This hit such a spot with me this morning. My son is 4, he was diagnosed with a likely terminal brain tumor in November. We are praying for a miracle every second. In the past I have always shopped ahead for all of my children, this year I just can’t. Even looking just overwhelms me with anxiety and what-ifs. I read your post this morning as he is sitting on my lap, tears are streaming. I imagine clothes shopping being hard forever for me. Thanks for bearing your heart. It helps so much.
Amy says
((Claire))
Tara says
Your transparency is good to hear in a christian. As a fellow pilgrim in this world I have wept with your suffering and smile and rejoice with you over this new little soul God has put in your care. Thank you for your efforts to sharpen and encourage others.
Josi says
Thanks for sharing Amy. All these posts are a great reminder for us to show grace to one another. I desire for you to get to enjoy everything about this precious little girl, including the fun of shopping for her. I read your “3 months” post before this one and from the pictures it looks like you are doing a great job of finding pleasure in dressing her up with some very cute finds. I love those headbands! You’re doing well….you’re allowing yourself to grieve, yet you continue to find joy, taking each step forward, and with that you’re kicking Satan in the teeth!
Christina says
I completely understand what you are saying about dealing with fear as you move forward with your new daughter. I lost my little girl 7 weeks ago and fear threatens to steal all joy from my life, even though I am blessed with 7 sons. I will pray for you to let God put a wall of protection around you from Satan’s schemes while you enjoy your family. Enjoy His blessings today! Much love!
Reggie says
I can fully relate. I have lost two to miscarriage and after learning that the baby I now carry has a severe heart defect, I found myself unable to prepare. I normally was up all the tiny clothes the moment I learn their gender and then visit that drawer again and again to daydream. But this time I didn’t, at least, not until just his past week. I was finally ale to put into words what I was feeling regarding this little one-like a mother who knows that the baby she is carrying will be put up for adoption or raised by another so she doesn’t allow herself to grow attached. Fear of the unknown is so real and can be so crippling if left unchecked and unsurrendered. I still don’t know what God has planned for our little one, but I am now able to trust that no matter the outcome, it is HIS plan.