Last month, in my post Allowing Myself to Shop, I told you I was planning to write about some of the struggles I have had since Aspen’s birth 4 months ago. I did write about healing from a c-section, but this post isn’t about my physical well-being. It’s about something much more difficult to heal from…because it is inside my head.
I knew I wasn’t dealing with depression. I’d been there before. This was different. This was outright fear.
I was:
*standing over my child, convinced she was going to die any moment.
*not letting anyone else hold her in case she stopped breathing and no one noticed.
*not sleeping because I was watching her breathe.
*keeping the light on all night so I could watch her breathe.
*fearful that my other children were sick and I wouldn’t realize it until it was too late.
*spending copious amounts of time on the internet searching all sorts of “symptoms” I thought I was seeing in my children.
*unable to stay by myself with the children without someone there to distract me from my thoughts.
*wanting to run away from my responsibilities at home so I didn’t have to think about all the things that could go wrong.
Every time I read or heard about something happening to another child, I would internalize it. It would consume me, and I would make it “mine” – as in, I would become petrified that it was going to happen to one of my children.
In order to sleep at night, I would put on a movie or listen to music on the iPad next to my bed so I could shut my brain off.
I could sometimes hold it together during the day, but by nighttime, I was a wreck.
It started when I was pregnant. I had a feeling this was a girl, and while I had always envisioned myself being excited to finally have a girl after all this time, I never expected to be so scared of having a girl. I guess I figured after 7 years, I would have worked through Emily’s death. I guessed wrong.
And then we got a call telling us Aspen needed to be checked for Cystic Fibrosis.
We were told her first test was inconclusive (it was right below the line of “negative” and “maybe”), and she needed a second test. Thankfully, that test was definitively negative, but the 6 week process only added to my anxiety.
Add to all of this the fact that we experienced nearly every major life event all within a few months, and I was drained. I didn’t have much fight left in me.
Right before my 6 week checkup, I decided I had to do something. I couldn’t live like this. A friend, who knew I was struggling, suggested a high-powered B-complex. That’s where I started.
I ordered the exact one she suggested – Seeking Health B Complex Plus – from Amazon with Prime shipping. I was desperate. She thought I’d see results within a few weeks (ugh), but after 4 days, I was feeling MUCH better!
I continue to take this supplement faithfully. I can tell if I’ve accidentally missed a day or two. I knew I had a B deficiency from some blood work I had years ago, but I hate taking pills, and I never felt bad enough to stick with a regimen of taking supplements. Seeing the difference this particular supplement made gave me the incentive to keep taking it!
NOTE: This is currently unavailable. I have decided to take the Active B12 Lozenge from the same company.
Another friend gave me some Peace & Calming from Young Living. I put it on my wrists at night. It seemed to help my brain from tumbling about at night. I’ve also heard Valor helps with anxiety. (note: I am not a YL distributor, nor do I endorse any specific essential oil company.)
Additionally, I learned about bergamot. It isn’t a sedative, so it can be taken any time of day, but it also helps with insomnia, and it is anti-viral, so it is great to have around for cold/flu season.
I purchased this diffuser to use in our home:
It had good reviews, and it is pretty. I needed a little “pretty.” 😉
I also needed to get more sleep. I don’t think we fully realize how much our bodies need sufficient sleep. It’s as if our brains go haywire with a lack of sleep. We get more and more irrational, as we get less and less sleep. The problem with anxiety is that you often can’t sleep, or in my case, you don’t want to sleep.
I really can’t explain why I didn’t want to sleep (and I am still struggling to WANT to sleep), but it isn’t because I’m afraid something bad will happen if I sleep. It’s more a feeling of needing to keep busy.
I know a lot of people suggest melatonin to help with sleep issues, but one thing I learned from the Botanicals class is that melatonin is a hormone and shouldn’t be your first choice. I’ve chosen to use teas to help me sleep. Teas like Earl Grey (which contains bergamot) and Chamomile have a relaxing effect on the body. The Bulk Herb Store sells a Fast Asleep Tea that is safe for nursing mothers (something you need to look out for).
(If you are using a loose leaf tea, brew it in your Keurig using a Reusable K-Cup, or use a tea ball or tea strainer.)
They also suggested valerian, so I’m looking into that too.
To help with my anxiety, I have to be VERY careful what I read and watch. Facebook, blogs, movies, or the nightly news can all trigger fears for me. Prayer requests for sick children can send me spiraling. Movies with certain subject matter can be overwhelming. When faced with someone else’s pain, I have to pray my way through it lest I get caught up in it.
The last thing (which really should be the first thing) I am doing is learning to deal with what is causing my anxiety. Americans like bandaid fixes. We like to treat the symptoms without treating the cause. It’s easier. But, if I’m ever going to fully work through this, I HAVE to face the fear.
I fear what I know. I know what it is like to lose a child. My heart and mind tell me I would never survive it if it happened again. But, the Lord knows my fears. He knows my future. He knows the steps I will be taking on this journey. I have to stay soaked in the Word. I have to keep my eyes fixed on Christ and the Cross.
I’m not through the storm yet. Writing this post wasn’t easy. There is no magic cure-all because we live in a fallen world. But, as I said yesterday, I have hope. Praise the Lord for hope!
Magan says
I know exactly what u mean Amy. We almost lost one of our sons when he was one year old from a febrile seizure. I went in and found him unresponsive and not breathing. That was 2 years ago. But it changed me from being a happy go lucky type person to an all around worry-wart! Checking on all of our kids constantly, panicking anytime any symptoms came up! It was exhausting! And I would convince myself that they automatically had the worst. Thru a lot of prayer, and B vitamins too 🙂 the fog is slowly lifting. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone”
Reggie says
Oh, those febrile seizures are terrifying! Our nearly 3 year old (at the time) experienced one last summer and the presence of our other children is the only thing that kept me from having my first full-blown panic attack. I still watch them all like a hawk when running a temp. My little one had thrown up prior to the seizure and my normal course of action is to have them lie on the cool bathroom floor so they are near the commode should they need to vomit again. However, that day, something about having the two year old off by herself didn’t sit right with me, so I had her lie on the kitchen floor instead. Praise the Lord for motherly instincts! Had she been in the bathroom, I wouldn’t have seen the seizure until it had progressed significantly. Praising the Lord that your little one was found in time!!!
Rebecca says
Try Magnesium too Amy. Studies have show magnesium deficiency also causes that feeling of not being able to relax or wind down. I have that particular problem and I have to FORCE myself to sit down or I would do and “piddle” and stay busy all-day-and-night-long. I think it’s a form of anxiety, honestly. Insufficient magnesium cause a HUGE amount of other symptoms as well (constipation, heart racing, immune deficiency, there’s a pretty big list and most of America is deficient). I am glad you are also not forgetting the Lord and what He can do through prayer and His Word. What do people do who do not have the Lord???
Amy says
I have no idea, Rebecca. Ty and I are talking about buying some trace minerals to put in our water because I think the water where we live is pretty deficient. I’m also getting ready to make my own magnesium lotion because the place I buy it is out of stock.
Amanda says
A really good magnesium is natural Calm. I appreciated this article a lot! When my first child was born I really had this. my husband and I joke now, but I can remember at one point looking at his newborn eyes and being sure he was blind. I was bawling over this. And when I realized that was fine, it was something else. I have a CD called Scripture songs overcoming anxiety and that was a huge help! As was Linda Dillow’s book–Calm my Anxious Heart
Amy says
I had a friend suggest Dillow’s book – glad to hear a second recommendation!
Nikki says
There is also a product called Trace Minerals you can add to your diet.
Tara says
I second magnesium. This mineral is actually best absorbed through the skin. It comes in sprays and gels available through Amazon if your local health food store doesn’t carry it.
Coby says
Oh Amy, I can relate all too well to the anxiety (for different reasons though). About 4 years ago I started suffering panic attacks, and the devil preyed on my greatest fear and I
agreed with that fear (especially when I saw that what I feared happened to someone I knew) and, as you said, “made it mine.” To encourage you, The Lord set me free as I took the anxiety to Him and prayed through it! He showed me the root causes of the fear, and I fell out of agreement with it and agreed with His word instead! I don’t remember the last panic attack I had! Every so often fear will try to creep in again- just yesterday, in fact. I had to rebuke it, go to The Lord, and pray through some more “roots” that I didn’t even realize were in there! All of the things you’re doing to help yourself are fantastic things! The thing that has helped me the most is exercise! It just helps me to rule my thoughts and get out nervous energy. Please know that I am praying for victory and healing for you in this area! God’s got this!!!
Amy says
Thank you for the encouragement, Coby! I have been trying to get more exercise in too.
Julie says
Amy..thank you so much. I am going to keep this post so that I can reread it as a healthy reminder. I can relate to SOOO much that you said in my own personal life. I especially love what you said in the last paragraph: “There is no magic cure-all because we live in a fallen world…….Praise the Lord for hope!” I need this engraved on a sign in my home, you know? We all do 😉 Sending love and blessings your way– May you be abundantly blessed as sure as a child of God is..and, just for being such a blessing to others and Mom’s like me too who need that encouraging word to start their days!!!
( Oh, and I have a dear friend who has been telling me about EL oils for more than a year now and how they have helped many of her loved ones. I think I’ll make the jump and try that diffuser and some bergamot too. It might really help my husband as well.)
Love and Happy thoughts from MO!
Julie
Amy says
((HUGS))
Christa says
Thank you so much for sharing your truth and your heart. So many of us have had the same struggles and you have encouraged and given us hope in Christ.
Diana says
Amy, I’ll be praying for you!! Thank you for sharing.
Kathryn says
Amy I’m thankful that you shared this. You are not alone! I can’t help but think, praise the Lord, He is doing a greater work of healing in you. I’ve heard that healing is like peeling back onion skins. Once you think you’ve been through it, the gracious Lord will surprise us by doing a more complete work. I trust that these things are surfacing so that you can be free of them. Anxiety is so hard to deal with (& harder to express to others who haven’t dealt with it, seeing as anxiety is irrational fear). I have been blessed by seeing a counselor. I searched psychology todays’s website, and they have a very thorough listing of therapists that you can search by location/speciality/religion/license/gender/etc. I found a really great licensed psychologist in my area, and she helped me SO much. It’s like what wouldve taken me a year to search my heart on my own, it took one or two sessions to uncover. Just wanted to mention it, I think everyone can benefit from a listening and enlightened ear!
BIG BIG hugs, Amy!! The Lord will pull you through!!
Amy says
Thank you, Kathryn!
Jillian says
we’ve been there with the Cystic Fibrosis scare too. My little guy had to do a sweat test. Is that what Aspen did? And yes, guarding what you see/hear is so important when you deal with anxiety. After my 6th was born I had the anxiety that you spoke of, only my trigger was different. I was convinced we were heading into an economic collapse (I still do, but I can compartmentalize it much better now) and I was ready to sell everything we owned and buy lots of gold and silver and move to some remote part of the country. I worried CONSTANTLY about the world I was raising my kids in and for their safety. One of the things I realized was that I had to stop watching Glenn Beck and Doomsday Preppers. They were a really bad combination given the state I was in. It may sound funny, but I was truly a wreck. Then I heard a sermon by John MacArthur that really helped. It was tilted “Jesus, Worry and You.” He has a lot about anxiety that maybe you’ll find helpful. Hugs. <3
Amy says
Jillian,
I can definitely relate. I haven’t had those fears, but I am sure they are very similar to what I’m feeling. Is that sermon on his YouTube channel by chance?
Jillian says
I’m not sure if it’s on Youtube, but it’s on his GTY website. The first half is about financial worry, but he goes on to cover other areas too. Here’s the link: http://www.gty.org/resources/sermons/80-193/jesus-worry-and-you
Btw, you can download his app which makes it really easy to listen to his sermons. It’s what I listen to while washing dishes or doing laundry. 🙂
Amy says
Thank you!
Amy says
And yes, it was a sweat test.
Jeannie says
The same here, our son was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma cancer, when he was 13 months old, after our 6 month hospital stay, from Colorado, which we live in Oklahoma, I couldn’t sleep for months. I couldn’t imagine death, but death is around you in a cancer ward full of children. In this process of 7 years of treatment I had my 4th, & only daughter, I worried about genetics because somebody told me cancer comes high in families with childhood cancer, the feelings are so over whelming, but through family, God’s grace we have made it, he is 25, he is living proof God is our helper through everything, lean on his Grace dear, he is watching over your family, & that sweet baby!!! Trust him, keep reading his word!!!
Amy says
Wow! Wonderful story, Jeannie! Thank you!
amy d says
wow! thank you so much for your raw honesty. i know it is encouraging to everyone who reads your blog. i experienced sleeplessness several years back (before kiddos) and tried valerian. it made me have hallucinations of jellyfish and spiderwebs. we did some research and found that native americans used it on their spirit journeys or vision quests, so i would caution you that hallucinations are a common side effect.
Amy says
Gah! Thank you for telling me that because I actually have a history of certain medications giving me hallucinations!
Shiloh says
Amy thank you for this post and for sharing your heart. I have been looking for natural remedies for anxiety. I am starting to feel like I could handle more kids, but 3 kids has been a struggle for a while now.
Amy says
I understand. (HUGS)
Chris Waughtal says
Amy
You are really a blessing for being so open=painfully open, and honest about your struggles. And so many of us mamas have our own triggers-me, its 4 with cognitive and developmental delays that send my world into a tailspin almost daily-and then my emotions are out of whack,and I am not a good mom to the other 3, or all 7, for that matter-sigh!!
I am definitely going to try the B-I use valerian once in awhile, but cautiously, as it gives me weird dreams if I use it more than a couple days in a row-but it does help, quite a bit-I also use Natural Calm-a powder magnesium that you mix with a bit of water and drink before bed-that REALLY helps me sleep, although too much and I feel very sluggish getting going in the morning
Keep looking to Him-He will give the victory!!
love you for your realness:)
Amy says
I had heard of Natural Calm – thank you for jogging my memory about it!
Pamela says
Thanks for this post. I dealt with postpartum anxiety after my second son was born and I understand what it is like to not want to sleep. I however, didn’t even realize that was what I was dealing with until after it had faded away. I coped by staying busy and cooking constantly.
With the next baby I was so worried it would happen again, but I prayed about it a lot. I had a traumatic birth, but I prayed the 23rd Psalm daily and the Lord took care of me. I gave Him all my worry and He just carried it for me. Keep praying, and trust in His will. It is the best thing you can do for yourself!
Amy says
My prayer right now is that I will be carried through to a place of normalcy…still waters and green pastures for sure!
Mystiqua Kimble says
I fully understand what you are talking about as I am experiencing the same PPA that you are. I just gave birth to baby number seven…3 months ago. I just bought St Johns Wort and will be looking at those B-Complex vitamins as well. Just know that I am praying with you and we will get through this. ((HUGS)) I also use chamomile tea and am fully utilizing my nutribullet for my green drinks. Drinking 2 teaspoons of Bragg’s apple cider vinegar with honey in water 3 times a day has been a huge help too! I am praying that the Father heals and restores both of us. Be BLESSED!
Amy says
Thank you, Mystiqua! Praying for you too!
Laurie says
Wow, have I been there! I have struggles with (sometimes debilitating) anxiety, off and on for 8 years. Feeling scared (I think terror is a better word) for reasons you know on one level are irrational can feel imprisioning. It is so good that you are able to acknowledge the fear and not just try to pretend it doesn’t exist. That never helps! For me sometimes I notice that hormone fluctuations factor in with my anxiety levels. Taking care of yourself nutritionally and otherwise can make all the difference. It is hard to admit that we have but there is also freedom in admitting our struggles. Then people also know how to pray for us! Satan loves to use fear to attack, but we can overcome. I applaud you Amy!! It will get better as you continue to take care of yourself and face your fears. It isn’t dangerous, just uncomfortable (sometimes very uncomfortable if you have a panic attack). I overcame agoraphobia with the Lords help, and now I can thank him for allowing my anxiety because it is what drew me to him in the first place. It also serves as an indicator when I need to spend more time with him when it starts to creep up. I will be praying for you! 🙂
Amy says
Yes, I have noticed how dependent I have become on the Lord’s daily provision. I needed to be weak.
Angela says
We lost our 6th child ( 4th son) at birth last month. We knew ahead of time that we would probably only have him for minutes, but God was gracious and we had him with us for 2 hours! Knowing during the last 20 weeks of my pregnancy was difficult, but it gave me much needed time to adjust to the thought of what would likely happen. That was my hardest time. Once we had made it through I’ve had some hard times, but having all the “unknowns” known now helps so much. Once the daily physical reminders were gone, now I just have those milestone missing moments.
I do fear having anymore children…. or not having anymore…. We don’t believe in permanently taking our fertility away, But I am just not sure I could do it all again. I also worry that all those old emotions would come in full force if we did have another. It is such a hard balancing act. I have so much faith that HE will carry us through anything that comes our way, yet part of me wonders if this is His way of showing us its time to prevent and end that season of our lives.
~Anyway sorry for the ramble 🙂 Thank you so much for sharing your heart with your blog readers! It is good and freeing to be “real” with people.
Amy says
((HUGS)) – I am so sorry, Angela. The thing I take great comfort in is that the Lord knows exactly how I feel. There’s nothing to hide or pretend about with Him. You can let it all out and He still loves you. You are in my prayers.
Momto4!! says
Hi Amy!! I am so very sorry for what you’re going through. To tell you the truth I have NO idea what it is like to loose a child 🙁 I know though what it is like to fight against their illnesses.
I just wanted to share something that may help you a bit — when my first Baby was born (14 yrs ago) I remember I didn’t want to sleep either. I was afraid of everything and anything happening to him while I slept, so on my very first night with him, I remember being very tired and sleepy, so I prayed ( really hard) asking the Lord to “PLEASE help me stay awake…” I have to tell you, as soon as the words came out of my mouth I realized it was the most ridiculous prayer ever — I mean, the Babe wasn’t even mine, he was His 0_0 so I just said, “I’m sorry, you what? He is yours, You made him, You love him more than I do, so I’m just gonna sleep, you watch him, Amen.”
Amy guess what? I have no idea how, but my Father gave me instant peace about that. I learned that I had to (really) let him go, and (really) hand him over to the one who doesn’t sleep (psalm 121).
I really hope my “story” helps you. I know how much you love your Babes, but remember our Abba loves them SO MUCH MORE.
: )
Amy says
Thank you so much! 🙂
Adina says
Wow Amy. Thank you so much for sharing. It must be very hard for you to share your struggles with all of us.
Amy says
It’s definitely not my favorite thing to do, but I felt like I was supposed to talk about this.
Mandi Green says
I have faith that this season in your life will pass and the Lord will use it for His Glory and for your benefit. May the Lord restore to you the joy of motherhood and may He cast your fears and anxiety as far as the East is from the West. You will be okay. I am. I share your in your grief and your struggle. I know the Lord has a reason for allowing trials into our lives – even ones that seem almost impossible to bear. In my experience, God used a season like yours as a purifying time for me to eliminate the fear that I was holding onto and trust Him completely. As hard as it was, and as much as I pleaded with the Lord to remove it, I can look back and be grateful for it. He humbled me and taught me so much about His grace and His mercy. May He give you the mind of Christ. And remember, the Lord doesn’t make problems – He makes plans.
Amy says
This is my prayer as well, Mandi – thank you!
Christine says
I tried commenting earlier but my computer started freezing and I don’t know if it went through. I think when we go through a tragedy we lose our innocence and no matter how much grace God provides, no matter how much faith we have, that innocence never returns. We know firsthand that God can and does allow horrible pain in our lives, and even though we have a testimony of his help through it, that doesn’t mean we feel equipped to handle torment again. All we have to hear is one story of someone going through horrific tragedy twice, and our minds just go–almost a post traumatic stress thing–delayed. As much as we know God works all things together for our good, that doesn’t always help us in the short run. We don’t welcome walking through something that might, many years down the line, be for our good. We want it to be okay now. We want to feel good now. We want a happy ending to a short tragic story, not a long drawn out story of healing being a process. Just the word “process” can be discouraging and even depressing if you are suffering right now.
We have anxiety disorders in our family and I have learned that there are two components–one is the inherited tendency to have this problem at all (or the hormone tendency), which we can’t fight against. Then there is the very real truth that we contribute to our anxiety by our thoughts. Just like anger control is really thought control (controlling the feeling that “it’s not fair”), anxiety control is really thought control too. It is our thoughts that put us on a train bound for anxiety and the ride just makes us feel worse and worse. We have to consciously jump off the train and reject the thoughts, replacing them with praise music, scripture memory, devotional sessions, and edifying activities such as keeping a gratitude journal. (In cases of OCD it’s not about rejecting the thoughts, but allowing them to exist (accepting them) and learning not to interact with them.)
It is definitely hard to catch the thoughts and before we know it we’re on that train again, bound for no where good, and unable to really see the blessings all around us. It takes experience to step back, look at what’s happened, and jump off the train.
I think it helps to remember that our lives unfold as stories…His stories. He wants us to welcome each chapter with an open, thankful hand. We can’t fight him as he writes our stories. Because we are bought and paid for they are his to write, not ours. But even as we lose all control over our lives when we become Christians, we gain his presence. We have to remember that trade. We gave up control so we could have his presence and it is worth it.
Dear sister in Christ, I will pray for you! This sounds so heavy and I hope you feel the prayers of those who love you. Thank you for allowing us to come into your sorrow.
Kara says
I know what you mean! I had a 2nd trimester loss and my next baby was 8 months old before I finally made myself quit expecting him to die at any second. I just knew every morning when I woke up that he’d be dead. I just couldn’t shake the “waiting for the other shoe to drop” feeling. I also had anxiety about driving and letting my older kids go anywhere
I realized that I had PTSD from his death, birth or combination of the 2. I also realized that I had survived losing my first, as horrible as it was and I knew God would be with me even if I had to go through it again.
Infant loss has so many instances where you think that what you feel is totally crazy and inappropriate, but I learned that it’s those times that are totally normal! Thank you so much for sharing. I know it’s hard, in the baby loss community it’s almost taboo to talk about having these feelings after having your “rainbow”…..
Amy says
I’ve had 4 children since Emmy’s death – but this was the first girl. There are just so many layers of grief, and I’m not sure you ever truly get to the end of them. I am prayerful that I will get to a place where the fear does not rule me.
Amanda says
Amy, have you considered testing for MTHFR gene SNPs? I recently use 23andme and learned that I have one of the MTHFR mutations (and some others that affect neurotransmittors/serotonin, depression, and anxiety). It affects the way you process folate and should not supplement with folic acid or eat fortified foods. The doctor that formulated that B vitamin you’re taking (with a methylated folate and B12) has a whole site on this issue: mthfr.net.
-Amanda
Amy says
I need to look into that!
Tiffany says
I have awful post partum anxiety with all of my babies. But the lack of sleep, and my mind never shutting down to be able to nap (I have never napped after having a baby), and taking forever to fall asleep after feeding the baby…I understand where you are coming from. My third child died at 3 months old from SIDS. I went on to have 2 more babies…1 almost exactly 1 year after my 3rd child’s birthday (both boys). I remember watching my 4th so much more, and with so much fear. With my 5th child, every time I would start to worry during nap/bed time (it is the sleeping times that did it for me), I would recite scripture and cry out to God. Through my tears, He brought me to Him in a closer way, but it was still hard. I will be praying for you! Hugs!!!!
Leah says
Thank you so much for writing this. I am currently trying to process some similar issues and it is very helpful to know that I am not the only Christian mom struggling with intense anxiety. I have never heard anyone else talk so honestly about anxiety and the intensity that with which it can grip. I too have to be careful what I hear, watch, or read. I am thankful that you talked about the physical and spiritual aspects of this. Sometimes the conventional world ignores the spiritual side and unfortunately frequently Christians deny the physical aspects. Sometimes I even struggle with dealing with the issues because they seem too overwhelming to deal with and it seems better to try to ignore them and just live with them as they are.
I will be praying for you. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Amy says
((Leah)) – it is such a difficult subject. I used to be one who thought you could just push through it, but now I realize there is so much more to it than “pushing through.”
Christine says
Read this yesterday and as will many of the thousands of saints who read your blog, my children and I will have our devotional time shortly and your name and situation will be lifted up. It is a privilege to pray for you.
I have these printed out and we use them whenever we are suffering anything heavy:
For Strength: Joshua 1:9, Matthew 11:28-30, Deuteronomy 31:8
For Hope: Romans 5:1-5, Romans 15:13, 1 Peter 1:3-5
For Peace: Philippians 4:6-7, Romans 5:1, Isaiah 26:3, Isaiah 54:10
For Joy: 1 Peter 1:8-9, Isaiah 12:6, Isaiah 35:10, John 16:22, Psalm 30:5, Hebrews 12:2, 1 John 4:10, Romans 8:35-39, Ephesians 3:19, Jeremiah 31:3, John 15:9, Psalm 103:11, Zephaniah 3:17
Praying joy, peace, hope and strength for you, and for a return to normalcy. With Much Love, Christine
Amy says
Thank you, Christine! I will print these out!
Vicki says
After being trapped in anxiety for years God has given me freedom. Here is how it happened…after my 6th baby I started to feel paranoid that something must be wrong with her and then my own health began to concern me. I would blow everything out of proportion, the smallest symptom would be cancer in me or a disability in my daughter. Then with my next pregnancy I was convinced that I might damage my baby if I used chemical cleaners in my home or if I forgot to take my vitamin or many other things. After the baby was born it got worse, I decided I had cancerous moles and became obsessed with it. You see my mum died when I was a child and I guess I am frightened I will do the same. Anyway the fear was getting out of control and I prayed for freedom. A picture came into my head of the Amish women and I thought, I bet they would handle this better than I would, but why, and I felt the call to wear a head covering. I am an Anglican in a traditional church, this is wieird for me! But within 24 hours my fear had gone and that was 3 months ago and it has not returned. As I read the Bible I realised that symbols are often used for spiritual protection, for example Samson’s hair and the blood over the doors for the Israelites. I understood that the covering showed the angels, both from heaven and hell that god was protecting me through my husband. My husband is a strong man and when I share my fears with him he takes them and deals with them rationally. I wonder if more women would be freed from anxiety if they covered their heads as a symbol of protection from spiritual attacks. I also understand that if we leave open any of our ‘gates’, the devil can attack, we must fill our days with prayer and Bible verses and not the internet, as fears can come in when we look on things and think on things which are not of God. I pray for freedom for you.
Amy says
Thank you, Vicki – I’ve actually been researching headcovering lately, so it is interesting you would mention this.
Nikki says
Oh how I know this anxiety all too well. Not for the same reasons, but I know how it feels. Like I’m spinning out of control. I also have to be very mindful of what I see, all the same things you mentioned. Sometimes I feel guilty, but I’ve accepted it as my boundary to protect my wellbeing. I even had a hard time reading your post because I can relate so much. And I can’t talk about it too much or it puts me right back there. In addition, that anxiety leads to trigeminal neuralgia attacks for me, which is horrible pain. I’m recovering from an acute attack that has lasted over a month. I’ve been basically non-functional. I teach online so I’ve managed to keep up with that. Thankfully, my hubby has been a tremendous help and very gracious about taking up the slack.
Amy says
((HUGS)) – I’m glad you are feeling better!
Alison says
So good to read your post. I totally saw myself in some of the things you described. It is comforting to know I am not alone (although it feels like that most of the time). My last born is 19 mos old. He was our “surprise” (our oldest is 20 and I’m 44). My emotional roller coaster has really taken me off guard and at times incapacitated me in my roles as wife and mother. I tried reaching out to a doctor and a counselor, but to no avail. I will try to take advantage of some of your remedies. I need to get better.
Amy says
((Alison)) I hope you find something that helps. A note on the EO’s – My understanding is you need consistency – it helps to condition your brain to respond positively when you smell them. It’s been a huge help.
Jenni says
I went through something like this after our 4th, though I suspect I dealt with it after the 3rd as well. Basically, I get really overwhelmed when I have a baby plus other kids to deal with. I also think that with the last two pregnancies we were in a stressful life situation anyway, and that my reserves to deal with stress were already maxed out.
This time I struggled with deep guilt over past failures that felt normal most of the time, but all of a sudden I would see something on the news about how someone had made a mistake but to a much greater degree and internalize it, thinking, “I’m just like that person, I am so bad . . . etc.”. It didn’t help that I already felt bad because I couldn’t keep up with the housework and homeschooling and struggled with breastfeeding (I’ve always had a low supply) – I just felt like an all-around failure and deeply inadequate and guilty – utterly condemned. I felt like I didn’t deserve my new baby.
Anyway, talking with my husband helped as did reading about hormones/sleep deprivation/diet and its effect on mood (I found “The Mood Cure” to be really insightful, by the way). I also think God has spoken to me in ways where I could hear Him to assure and comfort me. I haven’t added a super B-complex to my regime, but I will after reading yours – vitamin D definitely helped, though. I am doing much better now – I often get better once I wean my baby and they start sleeping through the night, which is unfortunately not usually until 9 months (I also get better once I put them on some formula so that I don’t worry about the weight gain issues or feel like the whole world is on my shoulders). But I have to say that the last two babies were so rough emotionally that we don’t plan on having any more.
Thanks for sharing. I haven’t really told people other than my husband or close family about how hard it was, or the thoughts I struggled with, but it helps to hear that others have struggled as well.
Amy says
((Jenni)) – I will be praying for you tonight.
Melinda says
Thank you for sharing this. I struggle with anxiety too, I have for years, but it was worse (and different) after my first and second children were born. My middle son has some special needs, and when his diagnoses started coming, I started having anxiety about my own health. He was born with positional clubfeet, had an anaphylactic reaction at 15 months (he’s anaphylactic to peanuts, tree nuts and eggs), pneumonia 5x in one year, was diagnosed with asthma and immune deficiency. That was all before his 2nd birthday. Following that, he was diagnosed with a neurological speech disorder, Apraxia. I worried what would happen to him, if anything ever happened to me. I think it’s wonderful that you put your story out there, for those that are struggling but afraid to say anything to seek help. For me, I started using a product that a friend of mine developed with a friend of hers called Maddie’s Magic. The company is With Love. It has made a huge difference for me.
Amy says
Is this it? – http://www.naturalwithlove.com/product/maddie-s-magic-calming-salve
Amber says
Thank you so much for admitting and writing this. I too am dealing with an extreme case of anxiety and it is so difficult. I have always been an anxious person but it was always something I could deal with- then in August it hit big time and it has been getting worse and worse. Just like you during this time I have been hit with number of things during this time including my daughter passing away when I was 20 weeks pregnant with her. I have three other kiddos and although my anxiety hit an all time high in August it has been like the mole game – I hit the one thing that has me anxious and think I have it under control then more “moles” pop up. I too put myself and my children in other people’s shoes and become a sick wreck were its hard to breath at times. I am starting to see a therapist to work through these issues because having anxiety to this degree is so unhealthy and everyone suffers! Thank you for posting this – knowing someone else is dealing with the same thing doesn’t make it easier but it’s always nice to know its not just me. 🙂
Amy says
((Amber))
Kim Chaffin says
Hi Amy, I have a 5 month old and 5,4, and 2 year olds. I have post-partum thyroiditis and I am very hyperthyroid right now. I have had it with all my pregnancies and was diagnosed with anxiety the first time because the doctor didn’t know what was going on. I started feeling significantly more irritable and anxious at about 2 months postpartum when I became hyperthyroid and then it swings back about 5-6 months postpartum and I get very depressed as I get hypothyroid. The hypothyroid I have to take levothyroxine for, the hyper phase I just have to get through. It stinks because our household kinda falls apart during this phase and it is difficult for me to act normal, let alone feel normal. Cognitive therapy has helped me deal with the anxiety part along with b vitamins. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and that if you haven’t had your thyroid levels checked, you might want to, especially if you start to feel tired and depressed in coming months. The good thing about my condition is that I know it will end. By about 8 months postpartum with all of my pregnancies I have felt fairly normal again. I will probably have to take levothyroxine the rest of my life but that is a small price to pay for 4 beautiful children. Your blog has been a huge blessing to me, Christ will see you through this, see all of us through this. Hang in there, Kim
Amy says
((KIM)) I have had my thyroid checked and all is well. It helped me tremendously just to get these words on “paper”. 🙂
Tanya says
Thanks for your post Amy! It’s a real encouragement to read your blog. So often it has helped me be able to cope. We had 3 children in 2 1/2 years, we moved in that time and almost lost our 2nd child. Some days it’s hard to keep going, but somehow we make it through each day.
I know what you mean about B vitamins, I have started taking them as well with good results. I take B6, stress B, and regular prenatal vitamins. The brand I have used with good results is Nature’s Sunshine. You can order that on Amazon, or sign up with their company.
Another good place to check for vitamins is beeyoutiful.com . They have a very nice company that is family owned, with lots of amazing products.
Valerian is a good product, but I have always been very hesitant to use it when I am breastfeeding, because it can make baby very sleepy. I used it once because I needed something desperately, but it made my baby so sleepy for the next day that I had a hard time waking them up for their feeding. Something else you could try is RescueSleep from Bach Flower Remedies.
Thinking of you!
Amy says
Thank you, Tanya!
Rebecca says
Wonderful post, and I feel I relate so much to your experiences! I commented to a post of yours last week about our cystic fibrosis scare, but I can’t imagine how awful it must have been to have to wait and go back to redo the sweat test. The week we spent waiting to be tested was awful, feeling like we were in limbo, really. I would’ve probably gone crazy if we’d had to go on for weeks with that uncertainty.
Also, while I have never lost a child, praise the Lord, I have a daily struggle with anxiety. Mine began, I think, when I was about 9 yrs old. My baby sister, who was only 1 month old and never came home from the hospital, died at that time. It was very unexpected, as my parents thought she was going to be healthy until she was born. I only have 1 older brother, and no other siblings, so this was my experience with pregnancy/childbirth.
After that time, I began worrying that my parents were going to die too, or that if I didn’t do certain things I would too, I was kind of OCD for a while. After a few years, I didn’t worry as much, until I had children. I never went through my pregnancies with that blissful ignorance that so many people have, that everything would be fine, that bad things only happen to other people. Because I knew that sometimes it isn’t OK. Sometimes babies die. That is a scary realization.
I too, worry about every lump and bump my children get. I have never taken anything for anxiety, I have always tried to manage it by staying busy. I pray for my children and their health daily and am trying to trust the Lord for their future. That’s really all mothers can do.
Amy says
((HUGS)) – Sounds like you too fear what you know. You are right, though – we have to just pray and hand them over to the Lord.
April says
Just an encouragement to continue pressing into the Lord. I recently had a very difficult trial in my own life where my faith was tested in the exact category of fear. There was something that I had to face, that I knew was coming and I had already experienced and I knew how awful it was. When the time came, I was a wreck. But God showed me that ultimately, it was Him I wasn’t trusting. The enemy had gotten in and was having a field day, and I didn’t even want to confront it because the potential was so painful. (I by no means am calling you out on this, I am just sharing what was revealed in my own situation). So, I had to sit. And repeat scripture to myself over and over. Be still and recognize that He Is God. And He was so gracious and merciful that I got through the situation. It didn’t go as I had hoped. In fact, it was worse. But that didn’t matter because the God of the Universe reached down and touched me, and I knew it. I was not oblivious to the fact that things weren’t perfect, it hurt, it was hard, and frankly, should the situation present itself again, I am still afraid. But, “perfect love casts out fear” and I know that having gone through this, I can look back and remind myself that my bedrock is solid. And persevering through that has encouraged me. So, I in no way preach at you or say just get over it. But I send a message as a fellow sister in Christ that you are loved. Blessings to you. May the Lord shine bright in your time of darkness and may that light bring the healing that your soul needs. You can do this. I know because I know the God we both serve. There are those whom you have never met that pray with you and stand with you in your battle. When you overcome, it might be your turn to strengthen the rest of us. 🙂
Amy says
Thank you, April! 🙂
Lori says
I have never read your site, but it has to be a God thing that your post on anxiety was the first post I read.
I have dealt with debilitating anxiety since I was 22. It literally started on my wedding night, and I have since learned that it is my reaction to stress and not listening to God. You mentioned going through a lot of major life events within a short amount of time. Looking back, I honestly believe that is what kicked mine off, and stress is the root cause. I have a bottle of B-12 in my cabinet, but I will admit to not being great about taking it daily; I will have to remedy that. I have since started using essential oils (Bergamont, Lavender, Peace & Calming, and Cedarwood) to help as well. I was reading the other day that Vetiver has been studied to have positive effects on helping children focus when they have problems settling down. I wonder if it might help you too…kinda like a way to turn your thoughts off. Exercise is another huge thing for me. If it is nothing more than taking the dog for a walk around the block…it helps. Getting back into the habit of reading helps too…not for work or for ways to get rid of my anxiety, but literature, magazines, whatever I find entertaining. I used to read myself to sleep each night, but having kids changed that. It should not have; I should have just arranged time to do it. Now that they are 15 and 17, I just need to do it.
Praying peace for you as I pray it for myself.
In Christ,
Lori
Amy says
Hello Lori & welcome! I am doing better about getting exercise, and totally concur with that thought. And yes, stress is definitely a big part of it. When you are running on empty, one more thing sends you into a tailspin.
Kimberly says
I found postpartumprogress.com to be immensely helpful. It helped me feel less alone In my fight and has some great resources. I hope you are fighting this battle not only with God and your husband by your side but also a good counselor. Trying to find our own solutions can be tiring. I found my counselor very good at keeping me from running in circles and she helped me wade through to find the source and solutions and coping skills. She told me anxiety is just the other side of the depression coin. So it makes sense that anxiety is a struggle when you have a history of PPD. Please continue to reach out for help and remember it is a real disease and not just a matter of “not praying the right way”.
Lizette says
Wow. It’s like you’re describing me. Except I have not had the traumatic experiences you have had, and my kids are 13. And at the same time I tell other people that fear draws more fearful situations…. Thank you for sharing.
Sue says
Wow, Amy. I really needed to read this. I had a baby a few months ago and have been struggling with extreme anxiety since. I’m averaging about 4-5 hours of sleep a night because I can’t “wind down” enough to go to sleep. I’m completely exhausted. My doctor gave me sleep meds, but I try not to take them because I’m breastfeeding. I am going to try the B vitamins and Bergamot.
I have dealt with the anxiety of fearing my baby will stop breathing as well. (I had one baby that did–thankfully it was caught in time.) I have used an angel care monitor since then with all my babies. It has significantly reduced my anxiety about that. They aren’t terribly expensive and can give you more peace of mind at night/naptime. Thanks again, Amy. I really enjoy reading your blog.
Kimberly says
Hi Amy-
I just came across this post and wanted to let u know u are not alone!!! Your descriptions are exactly what I have experienced as well as many others. You are not crazy. You are not losing it. You are capable and strong in the lords strength and he will give u all u need to have to get thru this.
I have tried b complex as we’ll and vitamin d in winter. My most recent success after experiencing all of what u have described in various waves for the last 10 years has been 2 things… Acupuncture and the book anxious for nothing by john MacArthur. I enjoy his readings a lot.
I went to an internal med guy after feeling tremendous muscle strains and head aches and self diagnosing and then feeling like I was in a fog all day… And he referred me to an acupuncturist who is also a doctor. She told me that along with going thru hard things, some ppl just need a little help with their nervous systems. We get out of balance in this imperfect earth. Where some ppls weakness may be diabetes or something else, ours may be a nervous system trigger. So I had acupuncture done and I feel so much better. mind isn’t going faster than I can keep up with, I don’t feel foggy. I am not confused or unfocused or catastrophising. She also gave me some advice on quieting the internal body so that your body can be receptive to what u already know cognitively.. Deep breathing, stopping ruminating,etc. so if u haven’t tried this and are still struggling w it, pray about it and see if this May benefit u 🙂 I’m so sorry- & I get it!!
Kimberly says
Here’s a link about acupuncture
http://www.healthcmi.com/Acupuncture-Continuing-Education-News/778-pmsaxiety
Kate says
I have dealt with anxiety beginning after my third child’s birth over 3 years ago. There have been times it was so bad I could barely cope with the kids and every little “behavior” I interpreted as a sign they were sick. Not fun.
I’m working hard not to let it happen again — I had to work all through my fifth pregnancy to discover my triggers and work to avoid them, and I’m having to work even harder now postpartum. The hormonal shifts and changes are a big deal.
I found I needed to avoid ALL food additives, nuts, chocolate (even organic/unsweetened), soy, corn, and any sugar (except honey and sometimes maple syrup — no cane sugar at all). Plus, I supplement with magnesium, liver pills (which contain B vitamins and iron), cod liver oil, and a tea made from red raspberry leaf, nettle leaf, and spearmint leaf. I’m aware that at this point, that’s STILL not enough. I mean, postpartum, your body is nourishing a rapidly growing baby and trying to heal itself. That’s a huge job.
I’ve slacked off before at this time, not eating enough and not focusing on nutrition and healing, just kind of hoping for the best. That led to weight gain and worsening anxiety. This time, with #5, I am determined that I WILL do it right, and give myself and my baby the best.
It’s not an easy puzzle to solve. But you can solve it, and you can get better.
Amy says
((HUGS)) Kate – thank you for sharing.
Kimberly says
Thank you so very much for this post! I know it must not have been easy to write but because you did, you have helped me. Thank you. My little guy was born 4 1/2 months ago and just in the last month or so have I had anxiety. I am seeing a therapist, but hope to also find some support groups in my area. I am taking high does of magnesium, Vit B, and fish oil, and sometimes inositol. Reading this helped me realize that I am not alone! Goodness what a great feeling to not feel so completely isolated! I have felt honestly identical to you as far as the fears! Everything is identical, I have deleted my Facebook app and stopped watching the news as well, really trying not to be on my phone helps. I truly need to pick up my bible again! I hope that you have found some peace as time has gone on. I wonder how you are doing now? Thank you and God bless you. -Kimberly
Reggie says
If you should ever find yourself in need of another B vitamin (due to discontinuing, etc), Shaklee carries a B-Complex which is excellent. They can have a higher price tag, but there is no one who begins to compare quality wise and their customer service is fantastic. No, I am not a distributor either. Another vitamin which can aid in sleep is Zinc. I learned this after needing to take it for thyroid issues. If taken too early in the day, it would cause drowsiness due to naturally lowering whatever hormone/chemical it is that aids in allowing your body to ‘shut down’ for the night. Just wanted to share my two cents as it was through a blog comment that I first learned of B-Complex aiding in the treatment for my geographical tongue. If you know what that is, the B vitamin combined with a multivitamin works wonders, and when used consistently, nearly eradicates all symptoms!