“It doesn’t matter if the baby is a boy or a girl, as long as it is healthy.”
Those words make me cringe.
You see, I know what it is like to have a baby who isn’t healthy at birth. I know what it is like to watch my child struggle into this world because she isn’t healthy. I know what it is like to not only not care if my baby is a boy or a girl, but to not even care if he or she is healthy.
All I cared about in those moments between birth and NICU was if my baby could breathe.
Please, breathe.
I also know what it is like to have a child suddenly die from a congenital defect after a seemingly normal birth and newborn stage. She wasn’t healthy either. But, would I wish her 7 months away just so I could have a healthy baby? No, because she was my baby. She was the one I was given. And even though I only had 7 months with her, I would not trade those 7 months for the world.
We aren’t always given healthy. Sometimes we are given sick. Sometimes we are given a long road ahead. Sometimes we are given only a short one.
So, it doesn’t matter if it’s a boy or a girl…
Period.
No health disclaimer. No what ifs. No wishing things were different. Because the moment that baby is born – yes, even before that baby is born – that baby is mine – to care for, to love, to cherish – in sickness and in health.
And that is all that matters.
Charlotte Moore says
Oh my, how she is growing and changing. That hair!!! Precious indeed!
Lea says
Yes! Mark Shultz has a song that describes this perfectly – https://youtu.be/COuQ8y2Adns . Thank you for saying this Amy, we always pray that God would give us the grace, courage and strength for the birth and the baby, no matter the outcome. The end goal is that He is glorified and we are more like Him. You and Ty have shown this both with Emily and Mercy.
Allison says
When I was pregnant I had a coworker excitedly ask me if I wanted a boy or girl. I looked at her for, what seemed to me, a long time, before I realized she didn’t know my story, and I said I didn’t care. Because it didn’t matter to me. After 13 years of marriage and no babies I finally decided to face my fears and see a fertility dr., knowing full well it wasn’t going to work, but I didn’t want it to be 10 years later and say to myself I should have… So I bit the bullet and went. And after a while treatment started, I was the patient with the 2nd longest cycle they’ve ever had, and after the first try I was pregnant. So no, I didn’t care. But she didn’t know my story so I just smiled and said it didn’t matter to matter.
My twin girls were born at 36 weeks and were in the NICU 9 days, I was in the hospital 8 days. It wasn’t easy. That was 14 and a half years ago now. They are thriving. They both have issues (nothing major), but they’re mine and I love them and can’t conceive my life without them now.
Diana says
Amen. I hear a lot of people say this, even Christians, and it needs correction. Thank you!
Rebecca says
Yes, Yes, Yes! It’s so easy to let something like that slip from your lips but when you really think about it, you realize that you would take them no matter what.
We’ve had 3 with skull issues (craniosynostosis). They all need operations to fix it. The first two had theirs at 3 months. The third one diagnosed with brain cancer and hydrocephaly at 2 months when we went in for his pre-op for the cranio. It was a long hard road but he’s now a healthy 7 year old.
Mercy looks wonderful! Love that last picture!
Samantha says
I’m so glad Mercy is able to come home. I’m so thankful she is better. I know it isn’t going to be easy, but you are amazing. God has taken you this far and won’t leave you now.
DANA k. says
Someone in my family that I dearly love seems to always say this when I’m pregnant, and I cringe inside. While all my babies have been healthy at birth, I wonder if his love is conditional on that health. Mine’s not.
Laura says
I believe that we as Christians DO pray for a healthy baby. Does God grant us all healthy babies no He does not. We have four beautiful children. Did i have a preverence for a boy or a girl…no. Did i say i just prayed that they were healthy? Absolutely! But to me it is the same a boy or girl healthy or not i thanked God for a precious child. We have all boys and each one is precious. Our second child was
Born with Down syndrome his bronchial tubes were not fully develpoed and he had a tracheostomy for almost 4years. And he is just as special as his brothers. But i do know when i was pregnant with number 3 i said those words that make you cringe. Would we every ask for our son with Down syndrome to not have it? No absolutely not because that makes him who he is today.
Clarissa West says
Yes, amen!!
I’ve always felt this way, since my first child was born with birth defects and rushed to the nicu (he still has health issues at (11). Then my 2nd child was seemingly healthy at birth, but we soon discovered she wasn’t (she is globally developmentally disabled and has chronic medical issues). Then baby number 5 was diagnosed in utero with a terminal condition and lived just 88min after he was born. And finally, our 8th (and last) child has the same debilitating illness that our 2nd child has… it has a terminal diagnosis, but our 2nd child will be 10 this December, so she outlived the doctor’s prognosis by 8 years so far!
Each of my children were perfectly designed by God for His glory and purpose!! I wouldn’t trade any of them for anything!!
Praying for you all!! God’s peace be with you!
Melinda says
Amen, all children are a gift from the Lord. Many times we say things we shouldn’t. Thank you for gently bringing correction to some tender subjects. I’m sure I have said that before honestly, so I thank you for sharing your wisdom. Blessings on you and your family!
Beauty full Slow says
~amen
Jodie says
I understand what you are saying – from the moment of conception our baby is ours to love, cherish and nurture to the best of our ability, a true gift, no matter what the obstacles, heartaches etc.
But I think when people say “…as long as it is healthy.” they are meaning that we don’t wish or pray for a boy or a girl, we are simply praying for a safe delivery and a healthy baby. It doesn’t mean an “unhealthy” child is a consolation prize and loved any less, just that we wish that the child will enjoy a life of good health as most of us do.
With regard to my little two year old with Down Syndrome, we had a fair idea he would have DS before he was born, so I prayed hard that he wouldn’t or that if he did, he would be healthy. I wished this mostly for his sake, but admittedly for my and our family’s sake too. God gave me a wee chap who needed surgery at Day 1, IV nutrition til Day 16 and 7 weeks in NICU/Special Care. Over the next few months we gradually learnt that he had no other major health problems associated with Down syndrome and I thank God every day for that. Strangely, like most, I wouldn’t change the Down syndrome as it is part of who my son is – a whole perfect package.
Mercy IS a perfect little package – and the miracle of her survival and time in NICU is all part of her unique story, and your family’s story. No more, no less than that of a baby born with no issues at birth or later.
Jodie says
So glad you and little Mercy are now home. Everything falls into perspective when you get your wee one home. Good job everyone! Have a breather for a bit Amy, and relax. You’ve walked a long, hard road this year. Best wishes to you all.
DAnielle says
Mercy is so beautiful! I cringe at that saying as well.
Samantha says
Your baby is gorgeous and perfect. I feel the same way. My son was born with fewer fingers and toes that most of us ( Ectrodactyly ) and I cringe at the comments about counting babies’ fingers and toes and that meaning everything is alright. Everything is alright here too! Because our Father created our son this way, so we know it will all be used for good. And I am beyond blessed he is my son.
Susan says
Hello Amy,
I’m so happy for you all to have this newest blessing in your lives. And it sounds as if she is trooping along. Woohoo! If I might humbly offer my spin on the imperfections we each face here on Earth and particularly what it can be like for a family who experiences health or developmental issues, I would have to add just a little piece.
I believe that God creates each of us perfectly. We are perfect. Period. Sin comes onto us and into us during our time here on Earth, but it doesn’t define who we are. He defines who we are. God doesn’t place sin (such as disease, birth defects, developmental delays, genetic or congenital disorders, accidents, illnesses or intentional harm) into anyone’s life. I believe that although He is in charge of everything and nothing happens outside of His knowledge, He still does not choose for these things to happen. I believe they come from sin. They are a part of our fallen world and are the result of His offering us free will. The way I see it, we could have skipped a great deal of suffering, but we wouldn’t have been able to choose Him. It just wouldn’t have been the same!
Sometimes, It feels so sad and discouraging to go through these hardships, but I choose to remember that He thinks it is all worth it. I’m worth it. My girls are worth it. And you and your children are worth it. Even though it’s hard. I think you reminded us all of this message today with your post and adorable pictures of Baby Mercy. How precious. How loved. How perfectly imperfect and still chosen she is. Blessings to you and yours.
~Susan
Nola says
Every time I see your baby I can’t help but think she is gorgeous!!!
Marita says
You are right. The Lord doesn’t promise us health. He promised us His Son, salvation and life everlasting with Him.
He gives us children to raise for His glory, with our faults and our childrens faults. So we rely on His grace, His provision, His care, His love.
Katie says
I am right there with you on this sentiment! 2.5 weeks ago I delivered our seventh child at 26 weeks and 4 days. He is in a hospital three hours away from our home. It doesn’t matter boy or girl, healthy or not, each child is a gift!
Jess says
So so true, thanks for sharing your words and feelings. My Godson Josiah wasn’t born healthy and we spent 9 beautiful painful months willing him to breathe every day in various hospital units. He taught us more in 9 months than we could ever have imagined. He rests now in his makers arms and we are so grateful his parents shared him with us, wouldn’t trade a moment. Stand tall for your babies, every day Xoxoxoxo
Lisa mauritz says
Amen, enough said!
Deb says
I couldn’t agree more! Thanks for sharing your thoughts! So happy that your sweet baby girl is home. We will continue to pray for health, healing, and peace for your family.
Tristan says
Yes! This hit me most during my pregnancy with my 7th child. We learned he would be born with serious medical needs that are lifelong. He’s almost 5 now and has had 18 surgeries. He uses a wheelchair. He’s always going to have daily medical needs to take care of and will likely have more surgeries over the years.
We also have faced the comments and condescension of others who said, “Surely you are done having children now. You don’t want another one that is broken. Right?” No, not right. Every child is a gift from God. Every child. We’ve had 2 more babies since his birth, as well as losing one during an ectopic pregnancy (and had 3 miscarrages along the way before him). I feel blessed by every moment of pregnancy or life together. Healthy is optional. God doesn’t care about the state of our body so much as the state of our soul.
Hang in there momma! You’ll have days where you are emotional and stressed, hurting for you little one, but also glorious days and perfectly normal days. You are doing a great work!
Melissa Hux says
Oh! Those words … please, breathe. Been there, in the NICU with those exact words. Lots of love, hugs and prayers. <3
April Ann Wofford says
She’s beautiful. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
Christina Weight says
Amen. I love your posts.
Donna says
This! My youngest was diagnosed with Spina Bifida in utero, but her health problems multiplied upon her birth via emergency c-section at 34 weeks. I remember laying strapped to that table holding my breath as I listened to them counting. Though I couldn’t see it and no one said a word, I knew they were performing cpr. When we finally heard a tiny cry, oh the relief…but it was only the beginning of a hard road of long hospital stays, feeding tubes, a tracheotomy and dozens of surgeries. She’s almost 5 now. She’s in multiple therapies and in a cute little wheelchair that she pushes around like a champ. Every day she amazes and blesses me and every single person she meets. To know her is to love her, and I wouldn’t trade her for 10 “healthy” babies.
Sheila says
I totally get the point of this article as I have had several nicu babies and one with heart defect ect.. from another perspective I think when people say I don’t care if boy or girl just healthy it’s more of a wish or hope that what ever it is its healthy not that they won’t love it if it’s not healthy.
Jessica Cooper says
Yes! I simply respond, “And even if they’re not” which makes most people uncomfortable but truly expresses our desire to treasure whatever God gives us.
Stephanie Fidelak says
My daughter was “healthy” till she was two months old and then she was diagnosed with failure to thrive. Then at 3 years was diagnosed with cerebral palsy and microcephaly. You’re right… even if they’re not healthy, they’re still our baby and we will love them regardless of gender, size or health issues.
Lindsay says
I have always cringed at that phrase, but even more so when we were told our 3rd baby had markers for genetic defects and had a 30% chance of not living more than a day past birth. The doctor didn’t feel it was prudent to do more invasive testing and so we just prepared ourselves for the worst. At that point, I didn’t want anything more than for her to live. She was at risk for Downs and I can tell you that I would have been praising God forevermore if that meant I could keep her longer. I would have taken ANY illness if it meant she had a chance at life.
By God’s great mercy, my child was born perfectly healthy. But once you have been face-to-face with that fear, you realize that really, you can be thankful for every gift no matter how ‘imperfect’ it may seem to everyone else.
Rebe says
Amen! Just had my fifth at 44! I heard those awful words too and I believe just as you do. “In sickness and in health”. Baby Mercy is beautiful!!!!!
Laura says
Look at that little smirk! 🙂 So happy to see it. Been thinking of you all.
Amen, sister! A mamma’s love knows no bounds.
Natalia says
I have lost a child at birth due to a birth accident, and very nearly lost another as a toddler due to long term undiagnosed heart failure and emergency surgery, and am extremely sensitive to the thoughtless things that people say. I guess I’ve even lost a couple of distant friendships over that and my responses to them! I have one thought about the “as long as they’re healthy” thing that people say. I feel that, depending on the person speaking, the phrase doesn’t necessarily have to imply horrible things people aren’t saying. It may, but perhaps not. For example, say a friend says to me, “Are you one of those homeschoolers whose children excel at everything they do and graduate at 12 years old?” I might say, “No, I don’t mind when they graduate or how good their marks are, as long as they love the Lord and their family, and do their best at their work…..” the end of that sentence for me would be, “that’s what I’m working for/hoping for/, that’s what I would wish for them”, etc, not I won’t keep them, accept them, they aren’t worth it, etc. I know my example is a different scenario, but I think that is more what many people mean. It DOES matter to me whether they’re healthy, but only in the sense of the worry, concern, whether it will affect their lifespan or cause them pain, etc.
Danielle Wagasky says
I absolutely agree! Every baby is precious. End of story. Your little one is gorgeous and I love seeing the updates on Instagram.
Sarah says
She is beautiful and precious. And no, it doesn’t matter if they are healthy. Enjoy those baby snuggles!
Kristina says
As a mother with a chronic illness caused by a genetic disorder, I very much hoped that my children would not have inherited this disorder.
“As long as it’s healthy” is just a bad phrasing. I don’t think it means that we would wish to trade an unhealthy child for a healthy one….it means that we hope that this child is healthy. I wish I were healthy. I wish my children had not inherited this condition. I would never trade them away. I love them as they are. If curing their conditions meant changing who they were, of course I would never change them. But if I could make them healthy, I would. I don’t think it’s wrong to pray or wish for health.
But this is a very good reminder to be careful of our phrasing. You never know how people receive such claims moments, and we don’t wish to hurt anyone.
Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful baby. I have been following along on fb, and praying for your lovely family.
Kristina says
whoops! That should say “comments”, not “claims moments.” Autocorrect is not my friend.
Amy says
I agree – and I’m not offended when someone says this. It just stings a bit because I know, as do you, that you wouldn’t trade your “sick” child for the world.
Shannon Winfield says
I have a severely autistic child. Though I wish he were neurotypical, I would not wish that I never had him. He is a sweet, happy child. Every life has value, no matter how small, no matter how short. Every life can be a testament to Jesus Christ.
Amy Sparks says
So true! Glad your sweet girl is home. Praying for your family as you find your “new normal”.
Kristine Barr says
She looks comfortable now. How is the screw turning going? Does it seem to hurt her? Is she still having breathing problems?
Amy says
The screws are no longer being turned, and she actually had surgery to cover them over until her surgery to get all the hardware out. She is very comfortable and happy! And no breathing problems at all! 🙂
Lacey S says
I’m so glad to read this! I have thought this but never been able to voice it correctly. Our first baby was born at 21 weeks and only survived an hour. So every pregnancy since then (all boys by the way) people say “are you hoping for a girl?” and then follow up with “it really doesn’t matter as long as they are healthy, right??” and I think: Nope! I don’t care if they are male, female, sick, healthy, blonde, brunette, I’m just thankful for every day the Lord gives me with them, in the womb and out! Its all part of their precious life. Thank you for sharing Mercy’s journey with us and giving us the chance to come along side (from a distance) and pray for ya’ll!!
Brandi says
Yes, all of this.
Petal says
I don’t see the issue. A wish is not a demand. I might wish for a boy. I might wish for a girl. I certainly would wish for healthy. I might get or not get a boy. I might get or not get a girl. I might get or not get healthy. If I didn’t get what I “wished” for…would I not love or accept my child? NO. But, if wishes Could by granted, I’d certainly want to spare my child pain, distress, and any sickness if I could.
Jodie says
I came across this quote from Joan Ryan’s book, The Water Giver. I think it sums up how every mother feels when a cherished baby is born “unhealthy” or by society’s standards “not quite perfect”. I don’t think I have come across a mother of a baby diagnosed with Down syndrome, myself included, who hasn’t, sooner or later, felt this and risen to the challenge. Little ones who have a harder road do teach us, and they do it by the ease in which they accept their challenges with grace and determination. Priceless lessons for all of us.
“Motherhood is about raising and celebrating the child you have, not the child you thought you would have. It’s about understanding that he is exactly the person he is supposed to be. And that, if you’re lucky, he just might be the teacher who turns you into the person you are supposed to be.”
? Joan Ryan
Amy says
That is beautiful! Thank you for sharing!
Jennifer says
Beautifully said Amy. They are a blessing to us boy or girl, healthy or not & for the long haul or a few precious moments.
Susan Geddes says
absolutely. I think people use the expression just without thinking… but our children are too important for such thoughtlessness. We had a 20 week miscarriage, back in 2001, and our amazing 12 yo wasn’t meant to be mobile at all after being born at 31 weeks but he only has a bit of trouble with writing and being highly strung – but it wouldn’t have mattered what the issues were. We’ve spent a lot of time around nicu’s, and we never met a parent who cared whether their child was healthy or not, they just wanted to take them home and love and care for them. Glad Mercy is doing so well.
Anne says
I remember one Sunday in the mother’s lounge at church when some mothers were gathered together chatting. Our conversation took the very “as long at the baby’s healthy” turn you’ve described. Then one wonderful mother who bore 2 perfectly healthy babies and 2 babies with serious health issues that will follow them their entire lives through said, “I don’t even care if they’re healthy, as long as they’re here.”
I’ve never forgotten that moment.
It was soul-changing.
I think you and she are absolutely right.
Terri says
Needed to hear those words today. Continued grace and peace to you and your family. Thank you for being so wiling to share your stories with us.
Genie says
This sentiment is spot on! When asked about a new baby’s gender, we’ve started saying, “We’ll welcome whomever God sends.” Thank you for sharing this post.
NIcole says
I know you have said this has stirred up controversy. I used to say this…not really thinking about it. But you are right!! No matter what every little life is precious 🙂 Mercy is so sweet. My husband and I have been praying and keeping up with how she is doing. I hope you have a great christmas. A baby is the best christmas present!!
Julie daniel says
I am so glad you and your baby were able to come home. You are an inspiration and she is gorgeous!!!
Katie says
Yes! Our third child spend 10 days in the NICU. It was the lowest point of my life! But we LOVED him – sick or not. I do ache when ladies add that health disclaimer at the end…as if if there baby were to be born and need medical attention they would reject him/her? That only a healthy baby is a blessing? That if your baby is not healthy God has made a mistake by not giving you a healthy baby? Only a parent who has gone through that scenario can understand. So I am thankful for our 10 days in the NICU. However harrowing…it can be used to comfort those moms and dads who go through the same thing in a way other parents cannot. And it can be used to try to STOP parents from adding that horrible phrase “as long as they’re healthy.” Because we KNOW that even when they are not, we LOVE them, cherish them, ache to hold them and snuggle amidst tubes, proves and beeping equipment. They are God’s gift no matter what.
Jessica Lee says
YES! Beautifully said!
Andrea Mansell says
The beauty and truth of this sentiment is overwhelming. Thank you for sharing.
Sara says
I have a special needs kid I wouldn’t change but I’d still say as long as it’s healthy. People would be lying if they said they loved watching their sick child suffer, their child being hurt by others for their differences. We love all of our children so we don’t want them to hurt and suffer. Unless we are mentally ill and like the suffering
Tara Vos says
Oh such beautiful truth.
Melinda says
I said that statement a little differently during my pregnancy. When people would ask I would reply “Right now, I don’t care if the baby is a boy or a girl, I do really hope, however, that they are healthy.”
I was born at 29 weeks with my twin sister 30-odd years ago with twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome. My parents were told there was a 40% chance both of us would make it home alive. It was a long haul – I was in the NICU for 6 weeks and Sis was there for 4 months – but we both survived and thrived with some workable disabilities. I have mild hypertonic CP and my sis had hypotonic CP and is profoundly deaf.
My next younger brother was born perfectly healthy, but died of a freak, diagnosed birth defect just before his first birthday.
Would my parents have loved any of us more if we were healthy? Of course not! But as a parent, you do not want to watch your kids suffer if it can be avoided.
My first son and only child so far was born at 26 weeks 3 days when I was diagnosed with pre-ecclampsia with HELLP syndrome; he’s spent the first 12 days of life in the most intensive NICU nursery and he’ll be hospitalized most likely for the next three or four months.
Do I love him any less because he came early? Of course not! He’s the child I’ve wanted to have my whole life and the joy of my life and my husband’s life. But it’s easier to be willing to take troubles on yourself then to be open to having them happen to your children – and I think that’s what people mean when they say “as long as they are healthy”.
Lyndsey says
I agree, that of course, the baby is to be loved unconditionally.. And that any baby born to me is mine whether healthy or not. I can’t agree that it is wrong for mothers to verbalize the hope that their baby is born healthy. I can’t imagine anyone not wanting their baby to be healthy. I don’t think that the phrase, “as long as they are healthy” is said to mean that if the baby is born unhealthy I won’t love it. As mothers, I think we always have he healthy if our babies on our minds….