I imagine some of you are confused by the title of this post. Allow me to bear my soul for a moment…
Giving birth to our first baby girl since Emily’s death in 2008, brought to the surface a lot of emotions. Feelings and fears I never expected rose to the surface and clouded my sense of reality and rationale. One of these was a fear of shopping. To be more exact, a fear of shopping for things Aspen would need in the future.
Until recently, I would only purchase clothing and other items Aspen needed right now. No 6-9 month clothing. No spring jacket. No shoes. Nothing that would be for the future because I was afraid there would be no future.
Grief and trauma do strange things to a person’s mind. Sometimes we don’t even know we are reacting to it until something happens that brings it to our attention. I had thought I would probably go crazy buying all sorts of girly things if I ever had another girl. Instead, I did the opposite.
As I’ve worked through the emotions of Emily’s death and Aspen’s birth, I’ve begun to allow myself to look forward. And I’ve allowed myself to shop.
Last week, I used some credit I had through ThredUP and made some purchases for Miss Aspen. I’d like to share a few of those things with you here as a way of rejoicing! (The links to ThredUP are affiliate links that give me credit through their site if you choose to order anything.)
Ralph Lauren soft sandals – $8.99
Rare Editions Special Occasion Dress – $10.99
Old Navy Dress (new with tags!) – $8.49
I am hoping to be able to share more of my journey through this new layer of grief, not because I am looking for your sympathy, but because I hope to provide comfort and insight. Comfort for those who grieve and are dealing with a changed reality, and insight for those who are near someone who grieves but does not always understand this changed reality.
I would like to ask your prayers as I share. Many times writing through these things creates some anxiety. I can think I have processed through certain things, only to realize there’s still more to it. I pray daily that the Lord will give me peace of mind and heart, and protection from the fiery darts of Satan. I don’t want to miss a single moment of Aspen’s life looking back with fear.