Part 2 of 4
DH had quietly waited all those years for God to work in my life. I knew now that this was definitely God’s will. I firmly believe that God will ALWAYS convict your husband too when He wants something of this magnitude to happen in your family. Yes, you may feel convicted and really really really want to implement your convictions right away, but there is an order of household and you are not at the top. It may just be that God needs you to be ready to step up to the plate when the time comes. But, whatever you do–DO NOT NAG, DO NOT PLAY THE MARTYR, and DO NOT BAD MOUTH HIM TO EVERYONE because he isn’t as “good of a Christian” as you are.
So, back to my story…
From that point on, I searched and searched for other families like us. I couldn’t find any in the town we were living in. There were some large families, but none that were fully and completely leaving their family planning up to God. I found a large online community at MOMYS & Quiverfull. On MOMYS, there is a posting rule that you must have 4 children ages 8 and under to actually post, but you can be a Read-Only member. Since, my children were only 4 months and 3 years, I felt for sure it would only be a matter of a couple of years before I would be a real live MOMYS.
Meanwhile, I posted to the Quiverfull digest, but I often felt left out. Here were all these people with 5, 7, 10 kids and me, with my measly 2, had not a clue what life must be like logistically with all those littles! I began to be concerned only with making babies. How quickly could I get pregnant, so we could get this show on the road?!
As the months wore on, I still wasn’t pregnant. I slowed on how often I was nursing the baby and finally weaned her altogether at 1 year because I thought that must be what was “holding me back” from getting pregnant again. No one would ever know I was quiverfull if they didn’t see me with a ton of kids!!! I wanted the whole world to be able to SEE our convictions. I wanted the tactless comments, so I could pontificate upon the joys of having scads of children. Why wasn’t God working with me here?!
Shortly after the baby turned 1, Ty received a call from the U.S. Government. His unit was being deployed for what turned out to be a year long tour of duty. If anyone cares to do the math…I was convicted when baby was 4 months…Ty was deployed when baby was 12 months. Had I become pregnant right away, DH would have been out of the country, unable to come home for the birth. So, God does know more than me! ( Jokes aside, I am so very grateful God did not allow me to have a child during that time. Ty is a HUGE part of every pregnancy and delivery–neither one of us could imagine him not being there.)
Ty came home shortly before Christmas. 2 days on U.S. soil, and I was pregnant! 2 months into the pregnancy, Ty was deployed AGAIN. This time to a stateside post 2.5 hours from our home. 1 month after that, I went for a routine OB visit and the nurses couldn’t find a heartbeat. I was whisked to the sonogram room where I saw a tiny malformed baby with no heartbeat lying motionless in my uterus. I was 13.5 weeks. After waiting a few days, it was clear my body had no intention of letting go of this child any time soon and a D&C was scheduled for St. Patrick’s Day. The doctor checked via sono one last time to make sure baby was truly dead and then proceeded with the surgery. I was terrified and when I came out of the anesthesia, I had my first and only stress-induced asthma attack.
As I recovered in the little curtained-off room, I decided I wanted this all behind me. I wanted to pretend as if I had never been pregnant. I felt I had wasted my time with a baby that was never going to live. I was angry at God. I was angry at the world. I didn’t want to face the pitiful looks on people’s faces when I came home. I just wanted to be normal…not the girl who had yet another miscarriage. I also wanted to get on about the business of getting pregnant.
Ty was still deployed, but I was seeing him on a fairly regular basis. I made sure to time my visits with my most fertile time, but once again, pregnancy alluded me. The baby’s due date began to creep nearer and nearer and there was no new little life to help me cope with it.
September 2003 was a hard month for me. Both of the miscarriages had been with September babies. I felt as if September was jinxed and I had a distinct fear of getting pregnant near Christmas because of when the due date would be. I cried nearly every day of September and begged God for another baby.
I felt forsaken. I had given my family planning over to God and He had given me NOTHING in return.
(to be continued in Part 3)
Michelle says
June 13, 2010 at 8:41 pmHello…even old posts get hits, right! I have to say this. “I wanted the whole world to be able to SEE our convictions. I wanted the tactless comments, so I could pontificate upon the joys of having scads of children.”…was very convicting for me. I think the conviction comes from the pride. God is still working on us giving over to Him full control. I just finished reading your 4 part series here and really enjoyed it. I loved your statement about how quiverfull families can have 0, 1, or 14 children. It is all about trusting God. I want to be there. I have a 2 yr 9 mo old and a 14 month old. I believe I still have that fear of “what will life be like?!” I pray God will move us to trust Him…
Jessica says
January 5, 2011 at 11:38 amI have struggled with this too. I am quiverfull, but there is no visible evidence of that. I have two kids, fifteen years apart. I’ve had two miscarriages and one tubal pregnancy. I had been told that I could not conceive naturally after the tubal pregnancy, and really thought I was done having kids. At that point I had to realize that truly leaving my family planning to God meant accepting that maybe His plan was for me to not have a big family. And that was really hard to accept. Isn’t funny how we love to say how we are willing to accept God’s will for our family, yet are upset when His will isn’t what we think it should be? Yet in His infinite wisdom, His choices for us are so much better than what we would choose for ourselves.
Imagine my surprise when I found myself pregnant with my now four month old baby, years after being told I was done. What a wonderful surprise blessing!
I do hope to have more, but that really truly is in God’s hands.
While the people behind me in the checkout might not see my “quiverfullness”, I now God sees our obedience, and I’ve realized that He is the only one who really matters. And who knows, even the we are getting a little old now, He may still choose to bless us with another. And then again, maybe not. But either way, I will treasure the two he has given me.
Amy says
January 5, 2011 at 5:00 pmYou have a beautiful testimony!
Shonda says
August 23, 2012 at 5:53 pm“I’d gave my family planning to God, and He had gave me nothing in return”….. You spoke my heart with that! In that single sentence I knew you knew just where I’ve been. God Bless you for sharing your story and holding nothing back!
Amy says
August 24, 2012 at 12:34 amShonda,
I am so thankful you found consolation here. God bless you!
Amy
Lindsey says
October 9, 2012 at 3:13 pmThank you for this series. I have been a reader for about a year now, as I’m a homeschooling mom to two children (11 and almost 4). Recently, God began working on me and my [lack of a] desire to have more children. I’m at a place where I truly feel that it is right for us to trust God in giving us more, but my husband isn’t there yet. In fact, he wants a vasectomy. Talk about being on opposite ends of the spectrum.
Then, I came across this… “God will ALWAYS convict your husband too when He wants something of this magnitude to happen in your family” This is just what I needed to hear. A woman reminded me today that I needed to submit to my husband in all things. I felt that was true, mostly, just not in this case because how could I be wrong??? Your one little statement has made my path clear to me now. If we are to go in the direction of more children or many children, then it must be a clear decision made by my husband and not to the tune of my nagging.
Thank you for being a blessing!
Kelsey says
September 8, 2013 at 9:30 pmQuit making me cry, Amy. I’ve had a miscarriage myself, in between my two boys. It definitely made me view my pregnancy with my last son as more of a gift and blessing (that could be taken away anytime) instead of something *I* had somehow gotten through ‘natural means’. *hugs*
Amy says
September 9, 2013 at 3:46 pm((Kelsey))
Lyndsi says
February 6, 2014 at 11:25 pmWhat a beautiful, honest story you have. My husband and I currently have two beautiful blessings, boys ages 8 and 5. I have been trying to convince him for sometime now to have a third child. So far I have not succeeded. He feels we aren’t financially capable of providing for more children, and he thinks that no child could ever “top” our younger son. (He really is rather special. :)) While I have been telling him I would be “okay” with stopping after one more, I am beginning to be drawn by God to be quiverfull. I feel as though if he won’t agree to even one more, how will he ever agree to allow God to make the choice for us of how many children we should have. I honestly want to turn every aspect of our lives over to God-including childbearing. Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. If I am willing to trust God to bless us with more children-or close my womb if that is His will-shouldn’t I be able to trust that He will intercede for me when it comes to matters such as these?
Leslie says
December 28, 2015 at 3:26 pmDear Amy, thank so much for this. I’ve only recently discovered your blog but I’m hooked! I have 3 baby blessings, sons who are 8 & 5 & my daughter is 18 months. I always thought it was normal & good sense to use the pill & though I’m very fertile, it’s always worked for me & each of my pregnancies were planned. However, last year I went through the bible study of Nancy Demoss’ “Lies women believe” which convicted me that children are a blessing, not a choice & of the importance of women being in the home. After a lot of prayer, my husband was willing to support me quitting my part time job & try homeschooling. I really needed to hear that if it is the Lord’s will, he’ll convict your husband too. I have wanted to leave it up to the Lord, but my husband says he doesn’t want anymore kids ????my heart is broken because even though I’ve had 3 c-sections & know I have a lot of work to be a more godly wife & mom, I would love more kids. I’m also concerned about continuing to use the pill. I’m interested in maybe doing fertility awareness method, because I don’t want to do anything permanent. Please pray us, I totally understand my husband’s reasons, it just hurts to have a different dream.