I still find myself wanting to be pg despite the fact that I’ve resigned myself to pretending I’m not so I don’t have to suffer anymore. I removed the due date from the calendar. I feel like I’m just waiting for it to be over.
Why don’t I feel more relieved? I asked God to break the news to me gently with this last blood test. God is sovreign over all and able to make my pregnancy any kind He wants. He’s even able to knit a child not expected to make it a little tighter. I want this baby, but I’m afraid of getting attached and then losing him/her. How do I survive this, Lord? What should my attitude be? Should I rejoice for the life you’ve given and leave it at that until I know otherwise? Or do I hold back emotions so I can deal better if it happens. It will hurt no matter what. Lord, what do you want?
Tomorrow is 13 wks…The fear is still very real and the feeling that disappointment and agony are lurking at every corner is at times numbing. I pray a lot for God to remove these fears that must be the work of Satan…God is NOT a God of FEAR. He is the Great Comforter. This is a testing time for me…I cannot determ
ine life and death simply by feelings. God is Lord of ALL–even this tiny baby…Went to Revival tonight and he talked about having a stillborn daughter and how months down the road they had to rebuke the fear they held.