I sat down to write this morning, but could not. All I could do was cry. Today was the first day where I had to have some semblence of a routine. Not a full routine, but something that resembled some sort of “normal” for my children’s sake. My husband convinced me to leave the bedroom and try to start my day, but shortly after breakfast, I was back asleep on the couch. When I did wake up, I sat and cried. Everywhere I turned were memories of what would never be. An empty swing where she used to sit while I fixed meals…an empty bassinet beside my bed where she slept…soap and lotion and diaper cream bought especially for her.
This was also my husband’s first day back at work. I no longer had him to lean on when I couldn’t stand anymore. He came home for lunch and ended up having to finish re-heating it for me as I was completely lost and kept staring over at the swing. I wondered how I would get through the day. I cried out to God to help me.
And He did.
A friend called to tell me she was on her way over. I got dressed.
I received several gifts/cards from the MOMYS. I cried, but felt comforted.
My friend came and we drank coffee and talked and talked. I smiled.
A friend called. I talked some more, and cried some too.
I received an email. I cried tears of joy, and felt excitement for the first time since my child died.
This mass email from a friend of a friend, contained a request for br**stmilk from whoever could help out. I couldn’t believe it! I had not been able to throw out all the milk I had pumped while our daughter was in the hospital. I kept thinking I should, but I kept avoiding it. Even today, I had looked in the freezer and thought, “WHY am I keeping this?” I reached for one of the containers to start throwing all of it away, but was stopped by one of the children needing something, so I gently closed the door and purposefully chose to put it off a little longer. This email brought joy to my heart again! I could help another baby. I could bless another family. I could give life-giving milk to another child!
So, while today started w/ tears of sorrow, God kept lifting me up until I was on solid ground. He brought me to a place where I could cry tears of joy.