I sat down to write this morning, but could not. All I could do was cry. Today was the first day where I had to have some semblence of a routine. Not a full routine, but something that resembled some sort of “normal” for my children’s sake. My husband convinced me to leave the bedroom and try to start my day, but shortly after breakfast, I was back asleep on the couch. When I did wake up, I sat and cried. Everywhere I turned were memories of what would never be. An empty swing where she used to sit while I fixed meals…an empty bassinet beside my bed where she slept…soap and lotion and diaper cream bought especially for her.
Today is not an easy day. After nearly a week of people crowded in my house and around me, I feel numb. I am hiding here. I am so lonely for Emmy, but I want to be alone w/ my memories of her. I went and hid in my mother-in-law’s office last night, so I could have a moment alone w/ my thoughts and a pen and paper. Here is what I wrote:
I would not move forward if it meant leaving Emmy behind. I don’t know how anyone can pretend a child never existed, take down their pictures, remove their things.
I have 5 children. I will always have 5 children, until the Lord blesses us again–then, I will have 6. It grieves me, though, to think how others will look at our family and not see Emmy. They won’t know someone is missing. But, she is there…a beautiful, precious piece of her lives on in each member of my family.
You’ve probably heard the saying, “Eat to live, instead of live to eat.” Well, that has always been one of those anecdotes I thought sounded cute and catchy, but one that I definitely do not live by. However, today, something we heard in church caught my attention, and I believe my world is about to change in a big way.
The Lord has brought people into my life throughout the years who have taught me new and healthier ways of eating. Starting about 4 years ago, my husband and I researched a few different things we were hearing from some friends of ours, and took the plunge into sea salt and fructose. A little while later, we abandoned the fructose for honey and raw sugar, and added in whole wheat. In the past 4 years, we have slowly made subtle, healthier changes to what we eat, but still many of the things we eat make us unhealthy.
(**Blog notes** Yet another “blast from the past!” This entry comes from the final weeks of my pregnancy w/ our 4th child. Looking back, I see now where God was preparing me to stay at home more. I laugh at this post, because I now truly desire to be home much more than to be out, and I cannot believe I joined that many homeschool groups!)
Sleep alludes me. I am 34 weeks pregnant today and have begun that uncomfortable stage…the stage that makes you more than happy to endure back-breaking labor if only for the utter relief of no longer being pregnant!
I do not go out with all the children during the day because I just CAN’T. I know, Zig Ziglar would be terribly disappointed in me, but thankfully, I’m not out to impress anyone. However, my homebound status has forced me to reflect on a simple, yet profound piece of wisdom I received earlier this year at a homeschool conference…
To be a stay at home mom, you have to be home and in order to be a homeschooler, you have to be home.
(This is the very first entry I made on my very first blog on Homeschoolblogger. It is a quick look at how my vision of homeschooling has changed since I started in 2002.)
For many years I had visions of the big yellow school bus sweeping my children off their feet and taking them to the quaint old red brick schoolhouse whilst I stayed behind baking cookies to delight them upon their arrival home. Now, 3 years later, I realize how faulty my vision was, and here I sit, forever grateful, that God saw fit to give our family a clearer “vision!”
Oh, don’t get me wrong, there are days when MY vision is still a little hazy. Thankfully, God’s isn’t! He takes my foggy, less than resourceful, downright unproductive days and turns them into lessons in patience, thankfulness, and faith.
His birth was the most fun I have ever had in labor! Yes, you read that right…I actually had fun birthing this little 10 pounder! He was my first, and so far only, fully unmedicated birth. It was a beautiful experience that I truly hope to have again.
He’s not much for words…at least not real words. His varying intonations of “uh” serve him well, though. Occasionally, he says a real live word. We give him a shocked look, ask him to repeat it, to which he replies, “UH!” So, we take his surprise vocabulary as it randomly makes its appearance.
I realized this afternoon I needed to make Extended Butter, so I thought I’d do another tutorial.
The reason I make Extended Butter is not so much because I need to extend my butter, but b/c I have been on a quest for how to make butter more spreadable straight from the refrigerator. I wanted the convenience of a tub of spread w/o having to use margarine. For those of you who regularly use butter as a spread, this recipe will prove to be a money saver, I am sure!